Regret...please read

[amylyn930]

Last August I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because I wanted freedom. And while doing so I was a total and didnt treat him how he deserved to be treated. We spent the summer apart and during that summer I had a lot of fun meeting new people and hanging out. As the summer moved on I started feeling very distant from my boyfriend, and when the summer ended and we started living together again I was hoping the feelings would come back...and it didn't and I just felt my self being very distant and wanting to be free. So I talked to him about it and told him that I want to break up.

 

He was torn and I guess in my head I already accepted it and didnt really feel that upset. Which only hurt him worse. He would be on our bathroom floor crying and basically making himself sick because he was so upset and I would tell him to stop and to be quiet because I was trying to goto sleep...

 

How could I have been so cold? He eventually moved out. We had our ups and our downs in the past few months since then. We had random hook-ups, lots of fights, dinners, talks, movies, hanging out time. In a way its like we havent tottaly broken up because we havent successfully hung out without acting like "just friends"

 

Over the past few months I would get upset and miss him and I would think I was sitll in love with him.. and I would tell him.. then a week would go by and I would be distant from him again..

 

I drove him crazy.. I would confuse him... and manipulate him.. without even really knowing I was doing it.. but when I look back on it.. I cant believe it...

 

The past few weeks I have really been missing him. It feels a lot different then in the past when I would tell him things and then change my mind the next day. This is way different... I can feel this in my heart..not just my head playing games.

 

We hung out last weekend.. and now he's the one "falling out of love" and "doesnt know how he feels anymore" and he's the one being a jerk and cold...

 

And I tottally deserve it...

 

I have been an emotional wreck... last night I barely slept and kept having nightmares.. I woke up at four this morning and couldnt fall back asleep and I just kept crying and thinking about him.. every minute I think about him... I constantlly look at my phone in hopes he would call or send a text message... and if he does butterflies fill my stomach...

 

I havent felt this feeling in a long time with him...

 

He said I have a lot to change about myself before we can ever even begin to fix things... and I know that this is true. I have a lot to make up for... but where do I start? How do I learn to apperciate life... How do I learn to not be so stressed out ALLLL the time? How do I learn to stop rushing life and to be able to enjoy it? How do I make it up to him? How do I prove to him that I am serious this time... and that he is the only person I will ever care about?

 

Please... any advice will be good...:sad:

[ladyspirit]

Hi there,

 

I find it odd that now that he's pulled away, you feel like you really want him back. I would urge you to really, really look deep into yourself and be honest, as much as you possibly can. Why now? Why now that he's pulled away? Is it ego? Are you afraid (selfishly) that he's no longer at your feet, and now is bringing back balance into your dynamic because the other way around is unbalanced and unhealthy?

 

This is not an uncommon story/ pattern. I, too, have been guilty of it. My ex boyfriend was also like that to me, and Oh, I'm still getting over his manipulative and selfish ways. It's really hurtful, you know? We don't act/ react like this consciously, I don't think, but a lot more than meets the eye is going on. Think hard. My ex had a power trip over me and over people in general. Self-esteem has a lot to do with it.

 

I think, honestly, that you enjoy his attention, but you are not in love with him (even if you do have some loving feelings for him). Am I wrong? You have been too often on and off with your feelings. Too inconsistent.

 

I don't mean to insult you, and surely, my words may be a bit harsh as I know that whatever is going on you are hurting nevertheless. But, if you truly love him like you do, you should remain platonic friends for a few months and build on that. Then, when and if you are sure ( both of you), perhaps you can meet each other half-way, instead of taking turns at running after each other.

 

Good luck

[EvaGina]

You said exactly what I wanted to, but in a nice way

I say just leave him to heal, enough damage has been done already

[amylyn930]

I have considered basically the same things as you have said. And I have been looking deep inside. I get attention from so many people so I really dont think that it is attention.. and we are still friends and talk so still get emotional support from him and other things that most people in the situation you mentioned would get. But I know that I am still in love with him... I know that its more then just a comfort thing.. more then attention... its a strong feeling of love.. like we used to have.. and its a feeling that I dont want to have with anybody else... and after living my life without him for about 6 months.. I realized that I cant do it without him.. I cant date other guys because deep inside I think it wouldnt be fair for me to date you.. i still love him.. but I would just push that feeling away and keep being free and meeting new people.. but never able to get close to anybody else.. because i just think about him.. and compare them to him..

 

when we first broke up i still pictued our future together.. but I figured it was just because I never pictuered anything else...

But even after being broken up.. and after having "crushes" and little "flings"... I still picture the future with him... and only him.. and I cant picture my life any other way...

[need2bme]

Always, ALWAYS, be careful what you wish for.

 

So, the ONLY thing you can do is 2 things...

 

1. Search your heart to be sure that this is what you want. It won't do you or him any good to simply get back together and you break his heart again.

 

2. You have to show him. Give him some space, but still call him (ONCE IN A WHILE). Ask him out to do regular stuff (not romantic yet). When you are with him, let him know you care without smothering talk about the relationship (things like, "I really like your hair that way" or "you always make me feel good when you do that"). Let him know, but don't smother.

 

Good luck and please make sure this is what you want.

[shikashika]

do you really miss him? or do you just miss the fact that someone who used to make you feel good about yourself, by loving and cherishing you is gone

 

I think many times, the dumper misses the fact that someone who boosted their ego is now not there anymore and they miss it.

 

Maybe you dont' miss him.. but just feel really badly about how you treated him during the breakup.

 

I can see why he would have fallen out of love with you. have you told him how sorry you are for the way you mistreated and dis resepected him?

 

i know many people who have been dumped.. would love to hear that.. because many times they don't hear it.

 

Even if he doesn't want you back.. I think it would be kind to apologise for that.