im tired..

[TraGicGoThJeSsy]

This is my first time here, For the longest i have been looking for a place to just vent it all out. I know it sounds stupid but if i dont get it out im really gonna go on the deep end. My whole life i have felt ignored and pushed aside by people so much that i actually went numb. I never felt understood noone understands me i really am a very good natured and loving person but the kicks i have took in my life has poisoned me towards everything. i really never had any friends it never worked out.They usually end up ignoring me without me doing anything to them in the end.. all i wanted was a little company and someone who would care but they never really care,, there all phoney.. Besides that i have family problems, we are a very big family where everyone used to be close but now everything is completely dead between us. we are not united at all.. the only people i do have are my mother dad and sis.... the other big chunk of my family that i once loved i discoverd are really horrible people and at every chance they get they turn and stab me in theback and of course i have a cousin whom, since we were kids was always favoured and put up on a pedastyle becauyse she is always so unlike me and perfect where as me im viewed as the ugly duckling and always so messed up. I hate them, i hate her.](*,) I hate me. ontop of everything all the pain ive been thru and the pains of rejection has made me so angry and so bitter im turned completely off to anything im so tired of being hurt time and time again i feel so afraid to put myself out there. If i let my guard down ill get hurt again and i cant let that happen. i dont think i could take another kick. i sometimes get so mad i wanna do things to myself, im so mad i brake things and carry on. Its so unfortunate really. Especially when you see some people who are perfectly happy with such simple things. They dont have to be rich, they may not own mansions and beautiful cars. But they are happy with themseleves and happy with there life. I am just not. simply put and sometimes the only reason i hang on is because i dont want to hurt my mother father and sister if not for them who knows what i would do?

 

I sometimes feel really alone out there... i keep wishing i was someone else.. i know i not ought to do that but i cant help it.. i dont like who stares in the mirror back at me ..

[EvaGina]

as weird as this sounds... you can always take another kick... you just keep your head down, pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

 

I find that cosing yourself off does nothing but push people away. Keeping yourself open, athough it makes you vunerable, is the only way to let people love you.

[onewithbooks]

Tragic~

 

Welcome to ENA! It sounds like you are going through pretty rough time in your life. When I was your age, I went through simillar circumstances. All I had was my mom and my best friend. My family (immediate or otherwise) wasnt very close and it was hard. The only reason I stuck it out was because I didnt want to hurt my mom.

 

Dark periods in your life will come and go. When they are here they feel like they last forever. My mom always used to tell me "give it two weeks" and usually in those 14 days I could find one or two positive things that changed my outlook a bit and made life a little more bearable.

 

Do you write or journal about your emotions? This might be a good way to chronicle your emotions, the good and the bad. when life gets hard it will be easier to look back on the good days to give you inspiration.

 

Take care and I am rooting for you!!

 

LeAnn

[crystal67]

You ARE a good person - dont let anyone tell you any differently!!

 

I feel for you and the pain and rejection you must be feeling, but good always shines though, whether you try and suppress it or not. You can try to be cold towards people all you like but your true good feelings of wanting caring and loveing relationships will come to the fore, and WILL be reciprocated.

 

Try and visualise the kind of friendships and relationships you would like in your life and keep visualising them - no matter what life throws at you. You control your own thoughts, and thoughts are real things. If we are feeling negative, often negative things happen to us.

 

Please try to call on your inner resources and try to see something positive about everyone and every situation in your life, and you will begin to see positive things happening to you - maybe just small at first, but as you continue to practise feeling positive, them positive situations will grow and grow - just keep visualising!!!

 

Take great care of yourself - I for one truly believe you can change things for the better

[TraGicGoThJeSsy]

I really apperciate all the helpful replys i have gotten so far and im thanking everyone here and anyone else who may reply thank you guys! it really helps me to hear that you are not alone as you may think! thanks!