Yet I still worry...somewhat

[the empty drawer]

(If a thread like this already exists somewhere please feel free to link me in the correct direction b/c I didn't see it)

 

(and this is long but I try to get to the point with the details that matter)

 

Last year in November I broke up with my, at the time, boyfriend. We had been going out for 4 years and had known each other as friends for 2 years previous to going out. I always thought of him as my friend more than my boyfriend which is just part of why I'm here now, for the person I was and hope I could be friends with again and help him with his denial-or just what is up with it.

 

He seems to be denying to himself that I have broken up with him. I tried to be very clear and told him, face to face, that I do not love him and I am now a single woman and we are not a couple and this is how things are going to be. To seal this deal I told him I would refuse to see him for a month so he could have time to comprehend with what I did to him, we were kinda living together so I hoped him being without me there would confirm the fact in his mind.

 

In small doses I tried to see if we could see each other in just a friendly manner, but he kept asking me if things between us were "okay now" as if just being in the same room suddenly means we are a couple again. I then refuse to see him again for a number of weeks but told him we could keep lightly in touch over the phone or email if he needed a friend.

 

That was a few weeks ago, just last week I again had to tell him that we are not a couple and I am a single woman and we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Each time I've told him this, now totaling three times, he has reacted like it was the first time I told him. Bawling, being depressed, isolating himself. I tried to help him out by contacting his best guy friend and telling him what was going on and that they should go for a guy's night out.

 

The point is he seems to suddenly and magically forget that we broke up every few weeks. I'd like to say he could go see a counselor of some sort but he has no job to pay for it or a ride to go see one, if one exists. Aside from his one guy friend I was the only other person helping him get through life as his family are dysfunctional drug pushers and users. Thankfully he does not drink or use any kind of drugs.

 

Part of this problem I think stems from I was his first in everything. He first kiss, first love, first time having sex. I didn't think about it when we first started our relationship but thats a lot of firsts to have tied all into one person. First and only girlfriend for him. How can I, as an ex-girlfriend, get it in his head for good that I do not love him? I'm at a lose for what to do, whether I do nothing or do something it doesn't seem to matter, he is in denial and part of me feels for this person who was a dear friend of mine. So its for the friendship we once had I want to help him, but to clear in no way do I love him or would ever pursue a relationship with him now. My problem is how to get him to completely comprehend FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL that we were not meant to be...help appreciated.

[EvaGina]

free councellors are available normally, it just takes a bit to find them. Check the back of your local paper.

 

I say call him on it. "every few weeks you seem to assume we are back together. Please realise that time wont solve this, I am not going to forget that we have broken up. If you keep acting like this I will have no choice but to withdraw my offer of friendship as well."

 

I feel for you, and I respect your desicion to not stay with him just to save his feelings

[the empty drawer]

You make a good point Eva at the present time I have no idea if he is in denial or making a conscious choice to "forget" we broke up. I would not to think he is making the choice too but I would be a fool to close off a possible explanation that you have presented to me.

 

Honestly I would like to completely cut ties with him for at least six months so he could deal with it. I've been dumped before so I know that it does take time to get over a person when its not your choice to end the relationship, as he would prefer to be with me I do not feel the same. And will not be with him. My offer of friendship is because aside from me he only has one other person in the world he can really count on, and he (the best guy friend) lives far away and so distance is a bit of a problem for them getting together. He has no family members he can count on and no other friends nor a job he can go too. The family thing is not his fault, but not having a job is his own fault. Yet, not having a job really isolates him from the world and with me breaking up with him he isolates himself. Basically I do not want him to be stuck like what happens to people who get dumped at times. If could get a job and get away from his family I think he could start to move on. But thats easier said then done and I cannot make him do it even though he needs too.

 

Well I was rambling there...if he does "forget" again there is a strong possibility I would say what you recommend, call him on it because I will not be manipulated in any way. I could check for a free counseling service and tell his best guy friend about it. We get along okay and he appreciates me trying to make sure my ex-boyfriend moves on from me.