What Is The Purpose/meaning Of A Relationship To You?

[jh1581]

In thinking about my own relationship, these thoughts ran through my head so I decided to post these thoughts to ask you all about your experiences in your own relationships....

 

Most people date to get to know someone before they decide to get into a committed, monogamous, exclusive relationship with that person. Once you decide to become "official" with someone:

 

1.) How long did you date before you became "official"? What were your reasons for deciding to be in a relationship and choosing THAT person as the one to be in a relationship with?

 

2.) Do you personally develop a desired outcome for the relationship once you're in it (i.e. do you hope this could be the person you marry, hope it will be long-term, etc) or do you have no expectations whatsoever?

Note: this may be your personal hopes and desires you have in your mind that perhaps are never even mentioned to your partner.

 

3.) How much time passed before you fell in love with your SO (in terms of weeks, months, years, etc)? Would you make the decision to be in a committed relationship with someone you know have NO capacity to eventually fall in love with? Did the potential to fall in love with that person play a part in deciding to be in a relationship with them?

 

4.) Would any of you say that you're with your SO because you have fun together, that you don't think about the future, and that even if you're with that person for years, that you'd be okay regardless of the relationship's outcome because it was amazing while it lasted?

 

5.) Do you all believe that women think more about a relationship's outcome than men do?

 

Feel free to answer some or all of these questions in describing what your relationship means to you (I hope the questions were clear, it was kinda hard to put my thoughts into words). Also feel free to contribute more questions.

 

Thanks everyone

[EvaGina]

1) he asked me to be his gf (I told him I was moving to his city) I said "we'll see" and he just considered me his woman from then... we had only been together physically a week or so

 

2) it depends, I normally HOPE it will be happy forever, but I know it wont be. THIS time, however, I have every confidence it will last the distance

 

3) I loved him still from when I was 15. I hadnt seen him in years, so its strange. I love him more now however.

I know straight away if I have the potential to fall for someone or not...

 

4) I am with him because we have HUGE amounts of fun together! I wouldnt be ok if we broke up, but unless he did somthing truly horrible to me, I wouldnt be bitter, I would still regard the relationship as successful.

 

5) Im not sure about that, I think perhaps we just voice it more.

[Batya33]

In all of my serious relationships, the man wanted to be exclusive early on - within the first month. I only date people I could see marrying - in the sense that from the beginning they have the qualities I am looking for in a potential mate. Having fun together is a top priority.

[EvaGina]

May I ask what the qualities you look for in a husband are?

Obviously smarts/humour etc, but do you have anything more specific? like... I dno... a 5 year plan or anything?

[isidore]

1) I habitually move too fast (and am attracted to women who do so as well). Not in the sexual sense, just we fall for each other quickly. 2 months is normal for me before we become official. Although I don't think I've been around the block enough to even know what "normal" is.

 

2) I go in forcing myself to try and expect nothing. But as the months pass I develop the expectation that things will go on joyfully forever. Then I constantly berate myself and think that I'll just mess everything up.

 

3) I fall in love completely quite quickly. Maybe I'm shallow. Then again I've only fallen in love twice, so maybe I'm picky. When I'm falling in love I'm so caught up in the beauty of the experience that I don't halt to actually make the decision, "I think I'll fall in love now."

 

4) I had loads of fun with my ex. When I thought about "our" future I would alternately have hopeful visions of growing old together that would send pleasurable shivers down my spine or else splashes of cold doubt and feelings of impending doom.

 

5) I think that in my experience women are more logical. But I thought about the relationship's outcome quite a good bit.

 

Gosh! That was tough. Did I pass?

[EvaGina]

2 months of dating before "official" would be too long for me.

I know within the first date if I could be with someone or not (to a certian point, anyway, any crazy tends to come out later) so I would be put off if someone took that long to decide about me.

[Batya33]

May I ask what the qualities you look for in a husband are?

Obviously smarts/humour etc, but do you have anything more specific? like... I dno... a 5 year plan or anything?

 

Ummm, in no particular order - my religion, wants marriage and family in the not too distant future, does not use illegal drugs (and has not since college -- I can deal with college stuff), does not drink excessively/have a drinking problem, passion/chemistry/healthy sex life, at least college educated, cultured (i.e. likes the arts, well read, etc.). Compatible moral and ethical values with mine - a kind and compassionate person. No "five year plan" per se but the men I seem to attract are fairly traditional and start talking about marriage and family early on.

[MissTee]

1) Around 2 months... But even though we weren't official before that, we weren't seeing other people.

 

2)I try not expect much BUT I would never enter into a relationship without some hope that we would fall in love. I wouldn't be with someone for no reason.

 

3) 3 months? maybe?? I can't pinpoint exactly.

 

4) My SO and I are best friends. We live together and do most things together. We are in love. We talk about our future together. I definitely would NOT be ok if it ended. I would be too sad thinking about what I had lost.

 

5) No way! My SO was just as concerned as I was. He is older than me and is ready to settle down... He didn't want to just date randomly anymore. He wanted something real and special.

 

A relationship to me has to be a union of passion, love, trust, communication, shared interests, common goals and mutual desire.

[VeganBohemian]

1.) How long did you date before you became "official"? What were your reasons for deciding to be in a relationship and choosing THAT person as the one to be in a relationship with?

 

- I think almost a month before we started being "exclusive". There really wasn't a talk involved. The reasons: we liked being together, had fun, were both kind of weird, and we fit together.

 

2.) Do you personally develop a desired outcome for the relationship once you're in it (i.e. do you hope this could be the person you marry, hope it will be long-term, etc) or do you have no expectations whatsoever?

Note: this may be your personal hopes and desires you have in your mind that perhaps are never even mentioned to your partner.

 

 

- Yes. I start dreaming big right away and then I scare myself. I am irrationally insecure. I constantly want the guy to want to marry me without any reservations, however once that happens, I get scared. I want to be desired for marriage right away even if I don't feel quite the same way. My boyfriend took way longer to trust me. He didn't start thinking seriously about marriage, etc for a while, but for some reason right away, when we first started dating, he did keep saying that he wants to marry me. But, that was not in a serious manner. Now, he says it seriously whenever he does say it. However, we are both a little nervous I think.

- When I used to be in relationships, my personal expectations were things no one could fill. I still have issues though. Sometimes I desire to be the center of his world, but then whenever I actually feel as though I am, I feel either like an object or I lose respect for him. If he didn't constantly act attracted to me, I would assume I am ugly or fat. If he didn't want to always hang out with me, I would feel as though I did something wrong and that I was the reason the relationship was failing. However, with my current boyfriend, these things still nag at me, but since he fulfills most of my expectations, there are not too many more things I "expect" from him.

 

3.) How much time passed before you fell in love with your SO (in terms of weeks, months, years, etc)? Would you make the decision to be in a committed relationship with someone you know have NO capacity to eventually fall in love with? Did the potential to fall in love with that person play a part in deciding to be in a relationship with them?

 

- I knew I fell in real love with my boyfriend (not the initial honeymoon love) for a few reasons. One---when I spoke to other guys in our age group and I evaluated what it would be like to go out with them and I usually thought to myself "thank god I have my boyfriend". Two---when I stood by his side through anxiety attacks, sadness, issues, etc. When I let him be himself even though I didn't agree with him. Three---when we could be ourselves in front of the other. Fart, poop, etc. I know it sounds gross, but when you can fart and then have sex, it kind of makes it better. Four---when I cared more about his well-being than my own happiness.

- Took about a year. But, it was instant attraction, if you want to say "love" at first sight.

- I think I would be in a committed relationship only if I felt some kind of potential for love. Even though I used to have this "give anyone a shot" attitude, after being in love with someone for so long, my standards have risen a great deal. Not typical standards----just, I know who I like. I know what qualities I find attractive.

- I will only go out with someone if I feel chemistry. Why bother if it feels forced or too difficult?

 

4.) Would any of you say that you're with your SO because you have fun together, that you don't think about the future, and that even if you're with that person for years, that you'd be okay regardless of the relationship's outcome because it was amazing while it lasted?

 

- Yes and no. Would I be happy if we kept on in our current state forever? Yes. We still have fun together most of the time and don't argue much (although our arguments have increased in the last month for some reason). Most relationships cannot subsist on this alone. There has to be growth. Where there is no growth, there is no building of love. thereforeeee, in order to be truly happy, I would need to feel as though we are progressing and committing to one another in a more significant way.

 

5.) Do you all believe that women think more about a relationship's outcome than men do?

 

- Yes. But, like most stereotypes which are based in truth, there are always a number of exceptions.

[Batya33]

I enjoyed your post in general - specifically, what you said about comparing him to other men in your age group - I have done that with every serious boyfriend in exactly the same way but for me, I never thought it counted for much as far as the depth of my love for my boyfriend.

[VeganBohemian]

Any time I feel as though I should give up on my relationship, I immediately turn to evaluting other guys. Whenever I look around and talk to other men, I instantly feel lucky to have my boyfriend. It is like medicine that works instantaneously.

[Batya33]

That's where we're different. To me it's not about comparison shopping - if I do that and it "works" it's a temporary bandaid - because I know that obviously there could always be someone out there who I haven't yet met I might be "more" attracted to physically, or who might be "even" more interesting, but it's not about a bunch of qualities - it's about the package - the person as a whole, his essense and his energy. That is beyond comparison.

[VeganBohemian]

I agree. What I meant was, since I know my boyfriend so well, I know he is beautiful inside, everything about the other men is almost instantly unappealing. I didn't mean it to say I "comparison shop". I am not looking for anyone else. I meant that let's say if I ever have nagging doubts, I will talk to other men and realize what I have had with me all along.

[Batya33]

No I understand- it is not an approach I like to rely on to remind myself of what I have - even though I agree it "works" - I'm more of a purist who doesn't want to have to be reminded by seeing how inferior other men are to my boyfriend. I used to do that - many years ago - until I realized that I couldn't possibly know who else was out there so to do that exercise with respect to the men I did know smacked too much of rationalization to me. It's just a personal thing.

[ScreenagerX]

This is actually kind of what I am going through at the moment, there are a couple of other factors involved but in essense very similiar.

 

1.) How long did you date before you became "official"? What were your reasons for deciding to be in a relationship and choosing THAT person as the one to be in a relationship with?

 

We didn't. We had known each other for about 6 months when we flatted together. She moved out but due to similiar social circles we frequented the same events & one night after a few too many drinks & some severe flirting we spent the night together. Neither of us actually made a conscious decision or announcement that we were in a relationship together, we just went with what we had but were exclusive from that first night. We've hardly spent a night apart since then although we both live in different houses now.

 

2.) Do you personally develop a desired outcome for the relationship once you're in it (i.e. do you hope this could be the person you marry, hope it will be long-term, etc) or do you have no expectations whatsoever?

Note: this may be your personal hopes and desires you have in your mind that perhaps are never even mentioned to your partner.

 

This is what I've been thinking about. After 3 months I am not sure where its going of if I should even be concerned about it. I've just come out of an 11 year relationship a year ago so I don't know if I need to jump back into one of those just yet............but then I'm not sure

 

3.) How much time passed before you fell in love with your SO (in terms of weeks, months, years, etc)? Would you make the decision to be in a committed relationship with someone you know have NO capacity to eventually fall in love with? Did the potential to fall in love with that person play a part in deciding to be in a relationship with them?

 

With my ex-wife it was only a couple of days, perhaps instant even. I still love her but its all different now. I think that may be why I'm know where near ready to tell my current GF that I love her. I think I may even be subconsciously stopping these feelings from actually developing. I now think 3 months is too soon to know whether you love someone or not, otherwise it can be mistaken for the intial 'buzz' of just getting to know someone

 

4.) Would any of you say that you're with your SO because you have fun together, that you don't think about the future, and that even if you're with that person for years, that you'd be okay regardless of the relationship's outcome because it was amazing while it lasted?

 

Two weeks ago this was exactly how I felt. I felt that I was with her because I enjoyed her company, felt that maybe I could fall in love with her. We did start to semi discuss the future (her plans to go overseas) yet I still felt (and still do now) that if it ended I would be okay with it, that is was fun while it lasted. But then I wonder if this is actually my unwillingness to get entirely emotionally involved with her?

 

5.) Do you all believe that women think more about a relationship's outcome than men do?

 

I think so yes but then that could stem from my own opinion having been evolved from other men & how little they discuss there own relationship future with other men, about the only time they say something is when the hits the fan.

[Momene]

I'd say once you were experienced in relationships, it's down to 3 months.

 

I agree that you shouldn't waste your life on maybes.

[ScreenagerX]

I'd say once you were experienced in relationships, it's down to 3 months.

 

I agree that you shouldn't waste your life on maybes.

 

Hence my 3 month itch. Does anyone else get the 3 month itch?

[EvaGina]

I get the three month itch

I get three everything itch

3 days

3 weeks

3 months

 

I havnt made it to 3 years yet... we shall see

[ScreenagerX]

I get the three month itch

I get three everything itch

3 days

3 weeks

3 months

 

I havnt made it to 3 years yet... we shall see

 

Yeah I got a 3 year itch once (only time I ever surpassed it) but we got back together a few weeks later anyway