Should I tell him or not??

[linda5]

Hi everyone, I have been casually seeing this guy for about seven months. We see each other average once for every three weeks. Each time we’re together we had amazing time from going out for dinner, watching movies, going to the concert, to staying over at each other house. Lately he even made breakfast for me. I thought that was nice. We rarely talk to each other until the next time we meet. A couple months ago, I told him that I was ready for serious relationship and his respond was that he liked me but was not ready for it. Since I like this guy a lot…so decided to give him more time. We hung out again last Saturday. He saw a bruise on my arm and asked what happened. So I told him that my friend John pinched me. And he asked if John was my other boyfriend…so I said yes (I lied). He seemed jealous. Later on when I was talking to my brother, again he thought I was talking to another boy.

 

On Sunday morning before I left he told me that whatever happened make sure I use protections, so I just told him to do the same. Before I left his house he mentioned that he would like to go ice-skating with me and asked me to call him sometimes. On Monday, he sent me an email saying that he had a fun time with me. I replied back and mentioned the breakfast was excellent and wondered what will be on the menu next time. His replied was that next time it would be up to me and it’s my turn. I didn’t expect that he would write to me.

 

About the protection conversation, I’m confused why would he care since we’re not committed to each other. I’m not seeing other people beside him but I think he’s seeing other girls (he’s online everyday). Now it’s been seven months and it’s very difficult for me to act like IM okay with it. I’m falling in love with this guy. I wonder if I should tell him how I feel about him and that IM falling in love with him…or just wait to see what happens. If I do, will I scare him away?? Please let me know what you think.

[EvaGina]

Tell him...

if he mentions it again, look at him blankly and say "I WAS joking, you know..."

Ask him again if he is ready to commit, I would hate to see another broken heart around here

[Batya33]

It sounds like he has been honest with you from the beginning - he does not want an exclusive relationship with you - and it sounds like you are emotionally attached and want more. So, you tell him that you are not comfortable anymore with the casual status and that if he changes his mind he can contact you but otherwise he cannot contact you.

 

Given what he said about protection, I would not have sex with him anymore since he obviously is sleeping with others and/or discovered an STD and even condoms are not foolproof. I would ask him for details so you know what you are dealing with.

[Hope75]

Yeah- I agree that he's been honest with you from day 1 that he's not interested in a committed relationship, and trying to make him jealous is not going to change that or get you what you want.

 

The tough part is that he doesn't want the same thing as you- if he did he would never have made a comment like this:

 

he told me that whatever happened make sure I use protections

 

The bottom line is that if you are falling for him and you know he isn't on the same page as you- unless you are willing to be casual and know that he can see other people and that he doesn't want to commit- it's time to break it off.

[Locke2121]

We men are stupid, in a way, we tend to take things at face value. You told him that guy was your other boyfriend. He believed it because you simply said yes. I know this sounds a bit silly but its true.

 

If you want a deeper commitment, then your going to have to open up with him and talk about where your relationship is going. You may be ready for a one one one relationship, but judging from his reactions, he may not be. Good luck.

[i1dr]

So let's see if I'm reading this right? You want him to not feel like there is any bond possible between you so you tell him all of that. Now if you tell him the opposite - well I think I'd wonder what kind of strange game playing girl was if it happened to me. I would not know which side to trust. Men are not stupid (thought we take things at face value) it's women who play games expecting us to read their minds right - that make us crazy!

How could it be that he be one the same page as you. You aren't on the same page as yourself.

[linda5]

Well, I was being honest with him all this time except last Saturday. I didn't even plan to joke about the other guy until he brought it up and didn't think that he would take it serious. Deep down he knows that I like him because I told him so. Hey I thought I would be able to handle the casual dating and pretend to be okay with everything…but I couldn’t. Anyway I plan to tell him that I’m not comfortable anymore with casual status like Batya33 recommended. And if he's still not ready...then at least I can move on and don't have to go through emotional rollercoaster anymore.

[afonselaca]

It is a hard discussion to have with a man if you feel like you are risking rejection. You sound resolved to move on if he isn't on the same page, however, so that is good.

[Hope75]

I plan to tell him that I’m not comfortable anymore with casual status like Batya33 recommended. And if he's still not ready...then at least I can move on and don't have to go through emotional rollercoaster anymore.

 

I think this is your best bet- be honest and if he isn't on the same page as you let him go because you know that you want and deserve more.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[linda5]

Thanks a lot for your inputs. So last night I left him a message on his voice mail and he didn’t call back. I just don’t understand….he asked me to call him and when I called him and he didn’t call back. It’s so messed up. This morning I sent him an email, asked if he’s doing anything this weekend and again no replied from him. I just want to meet up and have the talk with him. But at this point I feel like he’s going to pull out the disappearance act again. Anyhow, if I don’t hear from him I’m planning to write him a letter letting him know how I feel about this whole situation, and I want more than just casual dating. I don’t want to waste my time anymore on someone who is not willing to spend time on me….and I want to give other guys who want to be with me a chance. Should I mention anything else? As you can see I’m not that good in writing. Thanks again.

[Batya33]

I would take silence as lack of interest and not write him anything - he is not worthy of the time it would take to put your feelings on paper. If you feel like writing it, write it and then don't send it.

[Jenny715]

You need to STOP playing these games. If you are not seeing anyone else don't tell him that you are ESPECIALLY if you feel hurt knowing he's with another girl. Don't you know doing things like that drives men away? He will have more incentive to sleep with another girl because he "knows" that you're sleeping with another guy, even though you're actually not. See how playing games can make the situation even more sticky?

 

He told you to use protection because if you two are having sex he does not want to catch anything from whomever you're sleeping with. If you want him to take you seriously telling him that you have another boyfriend is not the way to go about it. I don't know what guy thinks highly of a girl if she's sleeping with more than one guy. I'm not trying to be mean but its a nasty double standard for girls to play the field and you're obviously not 'playing the field' like you say you are so why lie abut it? Be honest with him and if he doesn't want to be with you then CUT IT OFF because a friends with benefit relationship only leads to heartache. I've had one of those and nothign good ever comes of it if there is a disparity in feelings/attachment.

[Jenny715]

Ok I didn't read this. My advice to you in this matter would be to NOT write him a letter. Actions truly speak volumes and this guy's actions shows that his is clearly not into you on that level. He's probably being occupied by another girl who he perhaps IS interested in like that. Who knows. Please don't write him anything. Just leave it alone and move on. Sometimes writing letters is not the best solution because it doesn't accomplish anything and just makes you look like an I think you are setting yourself up for rejection by writing him a letter. Just distance yourself from him and when he comes calling and hollering tell him that you're not into this friends with benefit thing any more and you're looking for a relationship. Just let it come casually. Until you speak to him again don't contact him. You called, left a voice mail and emailed him, don't you think that's enough? this guy does not deserve another letter. It's time he contact YOU. Just move on and if he comes around and wants to actually be "with" you then go for it but I don't think a letter will speed up the process or help things much.

[linda5]

Thanks for all your feedbacks. Its been more than a week now...I finally decided not to write to him. At first, I wanted to let him know that I was joking about the other guy and that I'm not sleeping-around type of girl. But at this point it doesn't matter anymore...I don't think he care. Anyway IM moving on and I feel much better now. Thanks a lot again.

[Altruist]

Give the guy a chance. A few days without communication and you are already moving on? Some commitment that is

[afonselaca]

I know what she means. A week is quite a while without any contact initiated on his part. He isn't actively interested so why should she stick her neck out at this point?

[Altruist]

He might have an explanation for the silence. What if he's seriuosly ill?

[afonselaca]

perhaps it comes down to who made last contact, then the other one has the ball? If he has ignored 2 or 3 attempts then the ball is definitely in his court.

 

What I am trying to say... if someone ignores you, why should you continue to try? Is it that important to define it? Obviously, no answer is his answer.

 

He is so cowardly that he disappears instead of coming out and verbally ending it properly. She is left wondering what to do. After 7 months she deserves straight up dealings even if it was only casual.

[linda5]

Tronix, I don’t think he’s seriously ill. He’s on line everyday. He contacts me only when he needs me. I like the guy but I like myself more and I’m not into the casual dating anymore. So until next time he’ll call, I would tell him it’s over unless it’s exclusive relationship.

[Hope75]

Tronix, I don’t think he’s seriously ill. He’s on line everyday. He contacts me only when he needs me. I like the guy but I like myself more and I’m not into the casual dating anymore. So until next time he’ll call, I would tell him it’s over unless it’s exclusive relationship.

 

Good for you. You will only truly be treated with respect when you first treat yourself with the same respect.

[Altruist]

Tronix, I don’t think he’s seriously ill. He’s on line everyday. He contacts me only when he needs me. I like the guy but I like myself more and I’m not into the casual dating anymore. So until next time he’ll call, I would tell him it’s over unless it’s exclusive relationship.

 

Well, in that case you are justified in taking whatever decision you make. It's either he's selfish and just using you or he has social anxiety and is unable to express himself to you. Either way I don't think you'd wan't to stick around for someone like that. You deserve better.

[blender]

It's important to be "honest with yourself"... and to learn that there is no reason to "play games" or to pretend that you are seeing other people when you are in fact not doing so... but I understand it's tempting sometimes to lie a little because you secretly are hoping the guy would respond with some jealousy, but this is in NO WAY a mature approach to finding out where a guy stands..

 

it's best to take him at his original word, which was, "he was NOT interested in a serious relationship"... plain and simple he told you upfront, but yes I know your heart put it's hands over your wise eyes and ears and made a choice to "ignore" the "facts" and go with your "feelings".

 

So right now you can make a choice to instead go with the "facts" and not the "feelings" and just believe it's a lesson learned so that you will no longer choose this "pretending there's another guy" attempt with the "right" guy who is in your future... perhaps that is why all this happened so that you might "learn" this about yourself for the future, and so you can be emotionally ready, secure for the "right" guy..

 

this guy just wasn't the "right" guy for you, this guy was a lesson, an opportunity to figure YOURSELF OUT, and it's not about him... you're doing the right thing by choosing to let go, do not contact him,

 

and remember for your future relationships that you can proud that you are a woman who is a "one man type of girl".. and from now on you can make that clear to any man whom you choose to give your energy, heart, and body to.... set your "standards/values" above all else and you will always make the mature, classy choice for yourself.

[linda5]

Okay...a quick update. So last Sunday he texted messaging me and asked if I was home so he could stop by to visit since he was heading through my area. I didn't get the message until he texted me the second time and assumed my answer was no. However, I was in Vermont, snowboarding with my friends at the time. So I wrote back and told him that I was in Vermont. He replied and wished me having a great time. I replied and mentioned that I was on the way to the top of the mountain and the view was wonderful. And then that was it. I don't plan to write to him until he writes or call me again. Okay so I have a pair of special guest VIP tickets to go to the investment conference and I want to ask him to go with me (he’s an entrepreneur) …but I’m not sure what to do. Email him or wait for him.

[Batya33]

Definitely call him and pursue him as long as you are ok with a casual relationship and nothing more and are willing to risk STDs. If you want a serious relationship he is not your man, in my humble opinion.