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Was I wrong to leave him?

Paperclip

By Paperclip
in Breaking Up Advice

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Paperclip Rookie

Paperclip

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I met this guy about 5 months ago. From the start he was very intense and would say things like he knew I was the one etc. Over time I started realising that he was very secretive and one day he left his mobile phone at my house. I could not resist and found a whole lot of things that were questionnable about his life..I also caught him out in a few lies and suspected that there were more but just could not prove it. I admitted to looking at his phone and explained it was because he was secretive and I did felt rotten afterwards and vowed never to do it again. Later on he went on an overseas business trip and when he left I had a strange feeling, I put this down to insecurity and let it go but while he was overseas he called me from a strange number from two different countries and because I smelled a rat traced it back to an internet service provider which gives out "virtual" telephone numbers. I was honest and asked him about this which he adamantely denied but never once did he ask to see the number or prove that I was wrong. I let it go.

Last week he admitted to checking my mobile phone and when I hashed out these issues with him, he started blaming me for the weirdest things like being dishonest etc. I have never lied to him or hid anything from him. I have opened my home to him and he always knows where I am.

The major problem however is his obsession/dependance on me. He literally moved into my house from day 1, he has no interests, hobbies or long term friends,has adapted my lifestyle and never invited me to his home for a dinner or just to spend an evening there! I have been there twice but very briefly and I know he isnt married or anything as I would have seen the evidence. He puts me on guilt trips when I want to see my friends or family and makes it known how much he misses me and he is always waiting for me to come home. In turn I feel guilty for leaving him alone and rush back so that he is not on his own. He will wait until midnight for me to finish dinner with a girlfriend and then arrive at my house. He stares at me intensly all the time and tells me he loves me about 10 times a day but its the intensity with which he says it that almost creeps me out/irritates me. I did discuss all these issues with him and explained that I was not ready to move in with him and that he should develop more independance so that we were balanced, I also requested that we spend more time at his house but it never happened. I broke up with him as I was so confused. How is it possible to love somebody etc but feel so resentful and get so cold towards them? Is it my instincts? Can somebody please help with some answers, I have hurt him so much and I know that he has had a breakdown because of this. I feel so guilty and heartsore at the same time yet I am not sure how to analyse this guy. How can a man be so obsessive/dependant yet be secretive and lie so much...any theories?

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chai714 Veteran

chai714

Posted
Posted

Paperclip,

 

You did the right thing. Who has time for shady people or people who make us feel we can't trust them? I know I don't and I doubt anyone would like a person who they feel couldn't be fully trusted.

 

Be wary of anyone who comes on too strong, too soon. They're either faking these emotions or masking deeper rooted issues in their life.

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BeStrongBeHappy Experienced

BeStrongBeHappy

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You did the right thing... this doesn't sound like a healthy love, and it sounds like he is NOT telling you everything about who he really is... and what you've found out about him cannot be ignored... he also sounds very obsessive and possessive of you, and tried to narrow your world... a huge red flag!

 

please trust your instincts... there are lots of things that attract us to people, and it is natural to want to be in a trusting relationship, but if he is not being open with you, then you should not be trusting him. and don't feel guilty, everyone has a right to choose what is right for themselves....

 

please read the book 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker... we need to trust our intuition about people who may not be as they present themselves, and can potentially be dangerous. since you serious doubts about him, do not let him back into your life and apt. alone.... stick to NC, and make sure he understands you are really broken up and intend to keep it that way.

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fridagrrl Explorer

fridagrrl

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Posted

He sounds just like my ex-husband too!!! These people are addicts and cling to different things at different times. Seems like he's "addicted" to you....addicts lead double lives. He is one guy, the secrective guy, and he is also the clingy needy guy, that wants to move in with you on day one.

It's NOT A HEALTHY person you're dealing with here. BE CAREFUL and I would agree with the others here....RUN!!!!

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Paperclip Rookie

Paperclip

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Thanks for all these responses. I honestly thought that I was going mad as I am missing him so much yet an invisible force keeps on stopping me from going back. I am so disappointed that things did not work out but am glad that my intuition has not failed me here. My gut feel tells me right now that there is something sinister here and I am afraid of what will happen when his grief turns into anger. Time to change the locks, move on and get over this...

Thank you I feel so relieved. If anybody has any more theories please write as I would appreciate other views. I have analyzed and driven myself crazy trying to figure this all out...

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