The colour of a broken heart?

[imsoinlovewithher]

Hi, first I want to say I hope nobody is offended by this post in any way because I'm a girl in a relationship with another girl and if this is something you don't want to read about, then don't. But I need help.

 

I'm a girl in love with my best friend. She likes me too, I'm not sure how much. Basically, she found out I like her 'that way' about three months ago, and it turned out she likes me back. So since then when we are alone together we make out and other stuff.

 

We are extremely close. We've BOTH said we would die without eachother. We have to pick universities at the end of may and we both sat and cried one night at the thought that we'd be in different places.

 

But we never talk about our relationship. A couple of months ago I said to her "are we just friends who 'do stuff?'" and she said "you're thinking too much, I don't want to talk about it."

 

We never talk about "us" in that way. I have no idea if she sees us as a couple properly some time in the future. We act like friends around eachother most of the time. The only time we act differently is when we're alone and have been for a few hours.

 

The word girlfriend or date or going out or anything like that has not been mentioned.

 

I'm also insecure. I often get upset because I feel that she doesn't care about me or that im going to lose her. She knows this and has reassured me a lot that she couldn't physically leave me and that she cares about me too much to leave.

 

I've been very honest with her so far about my feelings. She knows I get upset and hurt when she gets bored at college and goes quiet and doesn't talk.

 

It happened today. She suddenly got bored and went all quiet and it was horrible. I asked her what was up and she said she wanted to go home. Then she went and talked to a couple other friends and seemed to feel a bit better after that and that made me feel like crap. I was hurt and jealous and upset and I started crying a bit. although I don't think she really knows. it was like a knife ripping through my heart. I was glad though that she was feel a bit better, I do just want her to be happy.

 

Tomorrow is going to be boring at college too and i'll feel so bad cos I feel like i should entertain her and not let her get bored. I feel so pathetic and helpless when she goes all quiet and doesn't talk. All I want to do is to help her and cheer her up, but even if I did know how to do it, I lose all rational thought and I feel so hurt and sad that I can't cheer her up at all. I'm completely useless. And then knowing that makes me feel even worse.

 

I feel depressed.

 

I dunno if it's because of her, I don't mean it's her fault, but cos I am so mentally involved in her that it's exhausting. I think about her all the time.

 

It's pretty * * * * at home too though, just me and my mam and we're not getting on great lately. I don't tell her much about college cos more often than not it reminds me of her and I don't like to talk about bad things that happened at college if they involve her cos I'll probably end up crying.

 

I've kinda lost other friends that I did have in a way cos I love spending time with her so much. But I never really had that many friends to start with.

 

It's a big loop and I don't know if it'll get better when I go to university.

 

If we both stay at home will I just be even more jealous and get even more insecure and get even more depressed because she'll make loads of new friends and I might not and she might get sick of me or think im boring.

 

If I move away for uni though, it would kill me because I feel like I can't live without her. I love her so much I really couldn't live.

 

I don't know if I would feel better if she was my girlfriend. If she said to me "be my girlfriend." I think I would but then i'd still probably be insecure and all that stuff.

 

I know I should just try and enjoy what we have, and some days I do, I honestly do. Some days im on top of the world and I have a few great things to look forward to.

 

But I'm hurt. I want to know where I stand with her.

I want her to need me as much as I need her.

 

i want to talk to her about "us" but I think it's too soon and it would freak her out and I don't want to freak her out.

 

I think right now she wants someone who can entertain her and look after her whilst she's going though all the stress of universities and exams. I've been doing my best to do that, but I'm starting to snap.

 

We're so close and so involved with eachother. We see eachother fridays and saturdays most weekends and I see her every day at college. But we miss eachother when we don't see eachother for a day. Honestly, and I know she misses me, cos she's told me. and this girl doesnt lie.

 

but there's always a but and I don't thnk I'll ever put my finger on it.

 

What the hell do I do?

 

Move away for uni and cut my losses and get over her n/c.

Or talk to her about us.

Or talk to her about everything I've just written.

Or do nothing and hope that I can pull of being a happy/chirpy friend and hang on a bit longer before talking to her.

 

I'm worried that talking to her will make her think "god, what now? she's always got a probelm" (cos we've done a lot of talking about stuff like this lately)

 

i know i build little things up into big things sometimes, im probably doing that now but my heart feels like it's being dragged through a few bramble bushes and twisted into a knot.

[Cadence308]

First of all, you didn't offend me being a girl that dates girls. I am a woman who dates women myself and I don't think there's anything to be offended or embarrassed about.

 

Your friend seems like she really cares about you. I think the whole "but" that you are talking about is that she is probably scared of her sexuality and may just be coming out of the closet. It sounds like nobody knows about you two, neither of you are out, and you are both very young. I remember that I had a hard time grappling with my sexuality 3 years ago when I realized that I love women and want to be with a woman. I felt like I went through a grieving period where I was really depressed, sad that I might have to hide certain parts of my life from family and friends, and just dealing with it. There's a reason why people call it coming out of the closet.

 

I do think that you should and need to talk to your friend about where you stand with her. I think you should do this because if there's not a romantic relationship I don't think that you should continue to make out because you will only be more hurt in the end. Don't let her have all of the control and keep putting you off about your talk about the relationship. Stand up for yourself and be honest about your feelings.

[robowarrior]

I don't know whats up with everyone being insecure but its just complete and utter nonsense. Always go for GOLD in your life. Your actions speak only of absurd fear, what is needed in life is not fear, nothing can grow from that. Go forward, move forward ,Retreat and you will age, hesitate and you will die. Ask yourself how has insecurity ever benefitted to your life? Zero , so put it in the trashcan. Its always do or die in life, and if you notice it was the wrong decision, back out and make another one that will make you go into the right direction. Its like taking busses, if you notice you are on the wrong one, jump off and take the one that takes you where you want to be.

 

Well, so obviously you want to be with her, so emotionally you would choose for the university that she would be attending. However this is not the way to go, you see what you elementarily lack in your way of thinking is the foundation of your future.

 

Future first , relationships later. This because if you don't have a future then there can't be a relationship either. Let's think of the disaster scenario here. You both goto the same university , your flunk, and not only that your relationship goes down the drain. Meaning , no diploma, no relationship.

 

If you chose the uni that at least gave you a diploma, then you have a fundament to stand on.

 

So the question is not on wether you should be with her or not, the question is , am i building a house on sand or on solid ground.

 

You are an extremely emotional person which is ok but not to the extend that you can't see anymore what is right for you. The right choice is easy 'That what is most benefitial for you' = the right choice.

 

Besides who says that you will have to miss out on her if you are not on the same uni, you two could still see eachother in the weekends and do whatever you usually do.

 

You see there might be gray area's in life, but most of the time you can think black/white , this makes you a more decisive person which is needed in order for you to choose that what is right for you.

 

Anyway ,more about the relationship with your mom, i would try to put love and light in her life on a continues basis. Try to help her with things, and don't make your heart a murder hole, you know you might not be able to say everything to her, but i would give it at least a good deal into improving communications with her, and just post the things in here that you honestly cannot talk about so you can vent about your situation every now and then.

 

So go for gold in life, bring your life into calmer water by choosing for 'stability' first, relationships later. You'd better not have your life backflipped down into chaos, stop the constant questioning of yourself, there's nothing to be insecure of because your goal is clear? oh yes? yes, but why? Because there's a general picture, you can only go down,stay where you are or improve in life. Going down the drain only leads to death, staying where you are means that you move in circles, going up means that you are improving your situation. So the first two things are worthless, only focussing on improving your personal situation will make you improve and be happier. Happyness is a result of loving and helping other people.

 

So the obvious answer is to choose a university that is best for you, and just visit your gf in the weekends. Instead of doom thinking , start thinking that its not important on wether you win or lose , but having the courage to move on no matter what happens which is the really important factor.

 

In this minefield called life, we all sometimes make a wrong step , but the trick is reaching the finish line at the end of the field.