Pregnant and broken up

[MyTeddyBear]

My boyfriend and I ended our two year relationship this weekend.

Yes, we broke up before, but this was different. We were different.

A little of the back story:

 

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and he wasn’t happy with it at first, then he seemed to accept it. Then a week and half ago he decided, he couldn’t do this.

He said, he just can’t. His doubts were so strong about himself and our relationship...

He didn’t want me like “that”. His love wasn’t strong enough to do this. That was painful to hear.

 

There are more details, but at this point it just doesn’t matter.

It was a heartbreaking break up. He cried like I have never seen. I felt and still feel like a thousand knives in my heart.

Here I am, pregnant with his child... alone... brokenhearted. My friend gone.

I wasn't what he really wanted and he wasn't what I really needed. If only we would have communicated better and used or minds instead of our hearts.

I did tell him in no uncertain terms, there is NO contact. He didn’t like this. But he understood.

I’m trying to get some perspective on this situation, but I can’t seem to.

Where do I start? I am really lost.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think since you will be having his child, you should have contact to the point that you get a legal agreement in place for child support and visitation etc. or does he just intend to walk out of your life and disown any responsibility for your child?

 

i know the breakup is very hard on you, but you do have a child to think about, and need to take steps to protect yourself legally and financially. he could also decide a few years down the road when he is married or with someone else that he wants to take custody or your child, or even leave the country with your child, since i think you said he is not from this country and his parents don't approve of your relationship.

 

please talk to some legal aid groups in your area to understand your rights, especially with a child fathered by a non-resident of the U.S. there are also many aid groups and support gruops for parents without partners, so please try to establish a social network for yourself and your future child, with people who will help you rather than abandon you like this guy did... really, it is better in the long run, than trying to continue with someone who will only continue to disappoint you and not take responsibility for his own child...

[rocio]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. This would be hard for anyone to handle, and then you throw in the hormones and insecurities that we experience in the first and trimester, and I can't even imagine how awful you must feel. Do you have someone you can lean on right now? A mother, sister, or friend?

[Hope75]

I agree with BSBH.

 

I can understand that you need some time and space to accept what's happened and begin to heal, but as co-parents of this child you are going to need to have some communication, even if it is just limited to talks about the status of your pregnancy and the baby.

 

Even though you are broken up, has he indicated that he wants to be a part of the baby's life?

 

 

I am sorry that you are going through this- it must be very difficult. We are here for you when you need to vent.

[Dilly]

Do you feel no contact is a good approach with this child? I mean, I understand if you need it to deal with your feelings of vulnerability. I understand. It's not for everyone, and with a child, sometimes Low-Contact is best. But ... this is your life... lead it the best way you know how. I don't understand the tears - you both sound mature and intelligent. Responsibilities abound and you both have to decide somehow how to take care of this child. If you deem him a fit father, hopefully you can articulate your needs and expectations and have an amicable interaction.

[MyTeddyBear]

I agree with BSBH.

 

I can understand that you need some time and space to accept what's happened and begin to heal, but as co-parents of this child you are going to need to have some communication, even if it is just limited to talks about the status of your pregnancy and the baby.

 

Even though you are broken up, has he indicated that he wants to be a part of the baby's life?

 

 

I am sorry that you are going through this- it must be very difficult. We are here for you when you need to vent.

 

He said, he thought it might be best if he were no part of his child's life.

but i don't think he was convinced of this. He seemed upset when I said no contact. Then I told him, you said you didn't want any part of this.

I'm not sure ... but right now I can't speak to him or see him.

[MyTeddyBear]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. This would be hard for anyone to handle, and then you throw in the hormones and insecurities that we experience in the first and trimester, and I can't even imagine how awful you must feel. Do you have someone you can lean on right now? A mother, sister, or friend?

 

 

Yes, thankfully. Everyone says I'm better off.... I don't feel better off.

[Ash]

Wow, what horrible timing. I would have hoped this was something he would have thought about somewhat more like 16 weeks ago.

 

Take things a day at a time right now. Others are giving you great advice. I think Hazey's suggestion about finding somebody to help you through this on a very personal level is an excellent idea. Hopefully there is somebody you can trust, who you feel comortable knowing all the details about exactly how and what you're going through in your pregnancy (because it differs from person to person) and who can be there all the way through to provide some continuity.

 

You need that, and you also need to grieve and then heal over your breakup. Two things going on, no wonder you're feeling lost.

 

I hope he can respect your desicion enough to not contact you as you'll need the time to recover. Be selfish for a while and try to take care of yourself. It's particularly important that you try to eat properly at this point. Don't give in to sadness and lapse on this front if you can help it. At least eat comfort food if nothing else. Try to keep yourself occupied if possible so you don't dwell on the "might have beens" but instead move past this and forward. Perhaps think about how you're going to make this a great workd for your baby to come into and think about her/his new life instead. You're not losing somebody, you're adding to your famliy.

[rocio]

He said, he thought it might be best if he were no part of his child's life.

 

I don't think that's ever best. If you cut him out, your child may end up resenting you for that. You can have something like No Contact throughout the pregnancy if it will cause you to be less stressed and upset. But try to facilitate a relationship between him and your child.

[Hope75]

I don't think that's ever best. If you cut him out, your child may end up resenting you for that. You can have something like No Contact throughout the pregnancy if it will cause you to be less stressed and upset. But try to facilitate a relationship between him and your child.

 

I agree with HA on this one.

 

After you take some time to grieve and recover- do stay in contact with him and offer him opportunities to see the child and be a part of his life. It sounds like he is scared, but I don't think he's really sure that he doesn't want to be a part of your lives.

 

And if nothing else- I hope that you will establish paternity and file for child support payments. Even if he does choose not to be involved physically, he helped you make this child and financially he has a responsibility to help support him or her.

[kate111]

Wow. This guy is really something, leaving you at your time of need. How appalling.

 

If I was you I'd do no contact. He said he wants nothing to do with the child, so his loss.

 

No contact is better for you. You are what counts right now.

 

Don't do anything drastic yet, just withdraw from the situation.

 

Do you have some female support to help you? I'd be moving in with someone you trust to help you get through this.

[Dilly]

Wow. This guy is really something, leaving you at your time of need. How appalling.

 

If I was you I'd do no contact. He said he wants nothing to do with the child, so his loss.

 

No contact is better for you. You are what counts right now.

 

Don't do anything drastic yet, just withdraw from the situation.

 

Do you have some female support to help you? I'd be moving in with someone you trust to help you get through this.

 

What is she trying to gain by doing no contact now, though? I just want to know her goals. And why does everyone tell you that you are better off? As HazeyAmber and Hope have indicated, I too believe that your child is better off knowing the father and having involvement by that party, whether you have much contact or not.

[kate111]

I agree Dilly, if the man has indicated a desire to see his child then that needs to be respected for the child's sake. But what is the point of a kid having contact with a guy who doesn't want to have anything to do with it. Is that what is happening here? That was my understanding, but I just reread the thread and I'm not sure where I got that from. Apologies if it is not the case.

 

Whilst the poster is pregnant, there is no child yet so what is the harm in no contact?

 

I have never been pregnant though so perhaps I just don't understand.

[Dilly]

I agree Dilly, if the man has indicated a desire to see his child then that needs to be respected for the child's sake. But what is the point of a kid having contact with a guy who doesn't want to have anything to do with it. Is that what is happening here? That was my understanding, but I just reread the thread and I'm not sure where I got that from. Apologies if it is not the case.

 

Whilst the poster is pregnant, there is no child yet so what is the harm in no contact?

 

I have never been pregnant though so perhaps I just don't understand.

 

No, you're right, she said that the ex- doesn't want anything to do with the child - loser. But he may change his mind. A no contact approach may disallow that communication and ... I just think this issue is too emotionally-confounded to go NC just yet. However, maybe low-contact would be alright. But whatever gets Mom's mind in the right place. Dad doesn't sound so sensitive, loving, or worthwhile. Still curious why her pals tell her she's so much better off.

[kate111]

I'd tell him not to contact her until after the birth if he wants to get to know his child and then leave it at that.