hobnob18 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 My boyfriend and I began dating about six and a half years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. I became very attatched very quickly, but he seemed less interested. After my daughter was born, our relationship became more serious and I moved in with him. Most of the time we lived together I was pretty indifferent to his needs and concerns. I focused most of my time on friendships and work concerns and avoided any real connection with him. About a year and a half ago I left him and subsequently allowed him to be arrested and charged with domestic violence when he didn't do anything violent. I let the courts put a no contact order in place and destroy his career. I used the court order to punish him when his contact was unwanted, but I would contact him when I wanted to feel loved. I was sleeping with him and someone else at the same time. We eventually quit seeing each other and after awhile I began to feel incredibly guilty and began calling him. I recently got pregnant without his knowledge or consent. We both believe that I have BPD, but I don't know what to do to start getting healthy. I don't want our relationship to be over, but I'm afraid that I might have pushed him too far. How can I show him that I want to try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Are you in therapy for this apparent disorder, hobnob? That would be step #1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobnob18 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 I saw a counselor a few times....I didn't really know how to bring up that I thought BPD was the issue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Counselors need more than a few sessions to effectively work with our problems. For your own peace of mind, I recommend that you consider giving it a longer shot. You don't really need to bring up BPD yourself, since a properly trained professional will identify the causes of unwanted behaviors over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The only thing you can do is show him that you want to work on the relationship, then show that you are making steps to change. At that point it is his decision if he wants to take you back. Personally I think you pushed him too far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobnob18 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Alot of what I've read about BPD says that many counselors are poorly educated about it and it is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder or other problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Do you have a degree in psychology? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellbell Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Hey there, I have worked with clients with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not saying you are not suffering from it but from what you have described so far, it does not sound like you are. Perhaps you have some insecurity issues, self-esteem and attachment issues but it does not necessarily mean you have BPD. Borderline PD is a very serious personality disorder and very difficult to treat. Many Borderlines have threatened suicide, attempted suicide or engage in self-mulitating behaviors. There is also a very strong trend of abuse (i.e. sexual) among those whom suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes treating this disorder a enormous task. It is true that it is very difficult to tease out symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar Disorder because the symptoms overlap, such as the anger, irritability, irrational mood swings and unstable relationships with others. I would not go as far as saying counselors are poorly trained or eduacted in BPD. It takes very hard work on behalf of the patient to get better. But bear in mind, even though you may have this disorder, you still have to be responsible for your actions and how you treat others. I would further research this and try not to diagnose yourself. I would go see another counselor whom specializes in this area. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chai714 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Forget about the disorders - have you ever considered yourself to be selfish, lying, and manipulative? Quit looking for disorders. So what do you do to improve you, as a person? It would require you to change your values and who you currently are. That's not easy. Now you're pregnant (not sure who the father is?) and want to continue this unhealthy, (illegal?) relationship. I say illegal because you stated that there's a court order for him NOT to contact you yet you want a relationship with the very person you want to be protected against? Do yourself a favor. Don't worry about a relationship. Work on yourself for now. Once you begin making better decisions for yourself you should then seek a relationship but not until then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Forget about the disorders - have you ever considered yourself to be selfish, lying, and manipulative? Quit looking for disorders. So what do you do to improve you, as a person? That's what I wonder. How is being a not so nice person suddenly a psychological issue? Why does it need a label as a mental disorder to know you've done something really bad to someone? You obviously recognize that you are doing nasty hurtful things and you feel guilt, why wait for a shrink to tell you have issues. Start changing things yourself, like telling the court you lied about the domestic violence. Start righting the things you know were wrong. You destroyed his life and all you worry about is your own little label as to what's wrong. Get over the label, take responsibility and start fixing the things you feel guilty about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobnob18 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 My focus is not on the disorder, but on healing myself and repairing the hurt I've caused him. By the way, the court recently modified the no contact order, so our relationship is no longer illegal. I would like to be able to continue the relationship in a healthier manner, but my goal is truly to repair the damage I've caused. I would like to say that as much as I am not in a position to diagnose myself, no one here is in a position to say that I am just a bad person without any mental illness. I am not trying to blame my wrong doing on a disorder, but I believe that it would be unwise to not examine the possibility of a problem bigger than just being a bad person. True healing can only occur when the cause is accuratly diagnosed. Just as it does not make sense to treat a viral infection with antibiotics. I know that I need to take steps to right the wrong I have done, but I also need some help to heal the deeper issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobnob18 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 Forget about the disorders - have you ever considered yourself to be selfish, lying, and manipulative? Quit looking for disorders. So what do you do to improve you, as a person? It would require you to change your values and who you currently are. That's not easy. Now you're pregnant (not sure who the father is?) and want to continue this unhealthy, (illegal?) relationship. I say illegal because you stated that there's a court order for him NOT to contact you yet you want a relationship with the very person you want to be protected against? Do yourself a favor. Don't worry about a relationship. Work on yourself for now. Once you begin making better decisions for yourself you should then seek a relationship but not until then. Now you're pregnant (not sure who the father is?) and want to continue this unhealthy, (illegal?) relationship. I know who the father of my baby is. That was never a question for me. And obviously the relationship needs to be dealt with one way or another since we are having a baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chai714 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 How can you have a relationship when you call the authorities on him when you don't get your way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobnob18 Posted February 14, 2007 Author Share Posted February 14, 2007 Not to excuse my wrongdoing, but that occurred in the past and is something I would never do again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneConfusedGuy Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 The basic theme here is: Actions are Greater then words. Start doing rather then thinking. Could you have a disorder? Possibly... If you think this is a disorder, speifically BPD, then see a specialist in that area! NOW! While I'm sure the man's part in this whole story is not without flaws... it sounds like he got the brunt end of the deal. Show him that you do care by loving yourself AND him. If not for yourself, for your children... do it for your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobnob18 Posted February 14, 2007 Author Share Posted February 14, 2007 Thank you. I so often catch myself making him my motivation, but you are right my babies should be my motivation. My little girl has seen so much. I probably need to be getting her some help too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now