I really need help! I am Desperate

[kellbell]

"but how can I be so sure?"

 

By talking to him. Building trust, show him you are willing to work this out together, show him you are safe person.

 

This is NOT going to happen overnight. The floodgates have been open. This is something that is going to take much time, patience, understanding and TRUST.

[EvaGina]

I thought about it... but at the same time that I dont want to judge him.. I am afraid that if I encorage him it will start dominating our life.

 

Have you been throught it too? Oh... I thought I was the only one..... Do you mind sharing your experiences with me?

 

The horrible stories are of people who started like this.. and ended up being travestites.... and started having double lives... I just dont want this to happen. I know I have to trust him... but I am really struggling at the moment.

 

I was dating this guy, just casually, and he brought it up one day.

We never really got to spend much time alone, so it wasnt brought up a lot, but for xmas I got him wonder woman figurienes (thats what started it for him) and books and things. He really appreciated that I had taken the time to listen to his story and I made the effort to belight-hearted about it

 

The people who have double lives are the ones who cant be open with their partners.

 

It WONT start dominating your life.

You must have things that you like in bed, do they consume you?

We are more than just sex.... give him more credit than that...

[confused_lady]

I was dating this guy, just casually, and he brought it up one day.

We never really got to spend much time alone, so it wasnt brought up a lot, but for xmas I got him wonder woman figurienes (thats what started it for him) and books and things. He really appreciated that I had taken the time to listen to his story and I made the effort to belight-hearted about it

 

The people who have double lives are the ones who cant be open with their partners.

 

It WONT start dominating your life.

You must have things that you like in bed, do they consume you?

We are more than just sex.... give him more credit than that...

 

Looking through some websites that I know he has visited, it brings to mind that he is REALLY into RPG and fantasy, magic, spells. He does LRP (Live Role Playing) where thousands of people go to a field in the middle of nowhere and they create a complete different world. In this place you have a character (you create one... which has magical powers and stuff) and they go to battles and they dress up as medieval people. He took me to one of these... it was fun.... but it is not something I would start doing on a regular basis.

 

So I wonder, how much of the RPG has influenced him on this matter and vice versa.

[EvaGina]

Looking through some websites that I know he has visited, it brings to mind that he is REALLY into RPG and fantasy, magic, spells. He does LRP (Live Role Playing) where thousands of people go to a field in the middle of nowhere and they create a complete different world. In this place you have a character (you create one... which has magical powers and stuff) and they go to battles and they dress up as medieval people. He took me to one of these... it was fun.... but it is not something I would start doing on a regular basis.

 

So I wonder, how much of the RPG has influenced him on this matter and vice versa.

 

larping and gaming are fun... well, no, Im not into larping at all.. .but D&D and things are AWESOME

 

He is probably just that kind of person, who likes to imagine and pretend. Im hating how your trying to think of reasons and solutions instead of embracing him in totality.

[confused_lady]

larping and gaming are fun... well, no, Im not into larping at all.. .but D&D and things are AWESOME

 

He is probably just that kind of person, who likes to imagine and pretend. Im hating how your trying to think of reasons and solutions instead of embracing him in totality.

 

I am sorry to make you hate it.

 

However I am trying to deal with it the best way possible... and thats why I am here looking for advice. I want to embrace him in totality but something inside my mind just stops me from doing so... and thats what I am trying to sort out!

[kellbell]

"I want to embrace him in totality but something inside my mind just stops me from doing so..."

 

This is something you can only do which I am sure you have realized by now. Perhaps it is because this is a whole new world you are not accustomed to, do not know much about and perhaps taboo. It goes against what you may consider "normal" and "acceptable."

 

But what is normal anyway? Whom gets to decide what is normal? Perhaps build that trust and understanding of his world and what is normal to him, things will not be so fuzzy. We, as humans, have a funny way of being uncomfortable over matters we just do not understand or fathom.

[EvaGina]

I am sorry to make you hate it.

 

However I am trying to deal with it the best way possible... and thats why I am here looking for advice. I want to embrace him in totality but something inside my mind just stops me from doing so... and thats what I am trying to sort out!

 

So talk to him about it. Do somthing about it instead of scaring yourself with internet stories.

 

To be honest, I think your being a bit over-dramatic.

Its a choice:

a. you live with it in silence and you can both just keep quiet about it

b. you try to understand it, have a healthy communication about it

c. you leave

 

Talking it out and trying to gather your thoughts through here is fine!! but trying to seek a connection between games and sexuality? EVERYTHING is connected to sexuality, all our facets, as humans, are intertwined.

 

Instead of trying to fix him, fix the relationship, its about comprimise, understanding, communication and love.

 

So, pretty much, have a cuppa tea, try to relax and please dont freak, it will just make it worse for everyone

 

sorry if I sound harsh, I just get really antsy about things like this. I know its confusing for you and you are trying to make the best of it. but at the moment, its not about you, its about him

[confused_lady]

Thanks everyone for their comments and help.

 

It gave me some food for thought! Now I will have to try to sleep over it and see what happens.

 

Thanks once again for understanding me.

[CharLit]

Hey girl,

 

I can see how it would be a big shock, and I can totally understand that it will take you a while to get used to the idea.

 

While I think it's a good idea to research it, before you do, I think you probably need to further clarify what it is your boyfriend wants/enjoys. There is a vast spectrum of possibilities out there: there are people who truly feel trapped in the wrong body (transgenders) and who might eventually want a sex change (and become transsexuals). There are people who do not feel like they are in the wrong body, but still like to wear clothes generally associated with the opposite sex because it feels 'right'. There are those who wear clothes associated with the opposite gender because they find it sexually arousing, in this case it takes the form of a fetish. There are a million other variations. If you start researching this randomly, the things that will stick out for you are the stories that scare you, which may have no bearing whatsoever on your boyfriend.

 

I also wouldn't fixate too much on the stories he enjoys: speaking purely for myself, there are things in written erotica/porn (not interested in the visual kind) that are a massive turn-on to me, but which I would never ever ever in a million years want to do in real life. It's fantasy, and nothing more. My boyfriend would probably be quite shocked or even put off by what turns me on in fantasy, and I'd certainly be damn embarrassed if he knew! It might cause problems between us - much like what is happening between you and your boyfriend - even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with our relationship, sexual or otherwise.

I can't speak for your boyfriend or anyone else, but I'm fairly sure there are plenty of people who would like their fantasy to remain very firmly in the realm of fantasy.

 

Finally, though my discoveries have been of an entirely different nature, I've also found out things about my boyfriend that were surprising/ I didn't like. You get used to things like this (and I am referring to things like past drug use, i don't for instance go around telling battered spouses that they shouldn't worry, they'll get used to it after a while!): the news is very fresh to you, over time it may turn out not to be such a big deal.

I'm not saying that it absolutely will, this may also turn out to be something you decide you can't live with, but 2 months from now you may just realise he's still the exact same person you fell in love with, who happens to enjoy sneakily putting on a pair of your panties occasionally when you're out.

 

I think Eva suggestion (go up behind him, wrap my arms around him, kiss him on the neck/cheek and whisper "You know I love you, you can tell me anything, you know that. Im really sorry I forced you to tell me, if you ever want to talk about it with me, you know you can, right?" and keep cuddling him.) is a really, really good one!

 

Oh, and if you haven't already, watch Eddie Izzard's "Dressed to Kill" show. It's hilarious, and in part of it he explains how he feels about his transvestism in a very lighthearted manner, it might help put your mind at ease.

 

Take care hon!

 

C

[EvaGina]

Oh, and if you haven't already, watch Eddie Izzard's "Dressed to Kill" show. It's hilarious, and in part of it he explains how he feels about his transvestism in a very lighthearted manner, it might help put your mind at ease.

 

Now THATS a good idea!!

hes smart, educated, SEXY AS HELL and hilarious....

mmmm, Eddie

[CharLit]

Hehe, i think he's sexy too