TonyMar75 Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Hello, all. I hope this finds you feeling happy! I've taken another step in the grieving process over my ex. I overheard a snippet of a converstation with her and another coworker this evening that leads me to believe she is seeing someone else. Confession time: I broke down and asked the coworker whether my ex is in fact seeing someone else. Let the ena flogging begin...now! SuperDave, you can be first. I deserve it. It was a moment of weakness. It broke major NC rules. Isn't it incredible what heartache and longing can lead you to do? The coworker is one of the nicest people in the world and she was so sweet and understanding even though I put her in a terrible situation. In the end, she said she understood what I was going through but couldn't betray my ex's confidence. But just have that feeling she is seeing someone. I've tried to steel myself for this moment, but damn, it hurts. I really loved this girl and she dumped me just after Christmas because she said I was too selfish. So I'm not only brokenhearted, but I have to live with that regret of what I could have done not to lose her. The kicker, of course, is that I have to see her five days a week at work. She is leaving in two weeks, though, so the real healing begins then. Just wanted to share this in hopes of getting some support. I'll admit it: I'm still weak and pathetic, even after six weeks, and I couldn't make it without you guys. Much love to all... Tony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I deserve it. It was a moment of weakness. It broke major NC rules. You are only human. Of course you would have an interest in knowing this. Re. NC rules. Don't replace one obsession (your ex) with another (NC). Sometimes information like she's seeing someone else, whilst painful, can help in forcing you to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvaGina Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 six weeks isnt that long its fine to still be hurting!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I didnt start moving on and begin my healing until I found out that my ex is engaged. Now, while in more pain than I have ever known, I have also found such incredible strength, more than I ever thought possible. What part of Florida are you in, Tony? Two guess what part i'm in and the first doesnt count. Orlander Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyMar75 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Thanks, all. I really just need her last day at the office to come. In the end, when I get bummed that's one of the positive things I focus on: that she only has two weeks left. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd have to quit. It fits into that it-always-could-be-worse category. Outta sight...outta mind Well, a little more outtamind. Orlander, I really hope it doesn't take an engagement on her part for me to really heal. How long was it from the breakup to her engagment? I really wonder about this (possible) new guy of my ex's. I kind of figured she might take time for herself. She's pretty much been in a relationship for her adult life. I was a rebound for her, which I knew was a red flag. And she is young, which I also knew was a red flag. But it just felt too damn good, and then I fell for her. I'm not very far from you, my friend: the bustling town of Brooksville, just about an hour west of Orlando, if that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Sorry Tony, you are just going to feel like crap for a while. Six weeks isn't that long! Also, no offence to you intended, but the whole "NC" thing is starting to get on my nerves - yes, the concept is right and I promote it. It's about doing whatever you can to process the overwhelming information you have already (eg "it's over") and not going out and creating more material to mull over. It's also about moving on and not looking desperate. Fair enough. But there are no hard and fast rules when it comes down to it. It's not a religion, it's a just a means for helping the heartbroken heal themselves. Really what are we talking here - having no, or limited, contact is just about staying away rather than chasing a whipping. I agree with melrich too that finding out information about the other person moving on can also help - tearing a bandaid off kind of help, but help nonetheless. What you did was completely understandable. I recognise it made the other person uncomfortable, but that's just life. She'll be okay! Two weeks left, that's great. You will get past this, try and be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself too harshly. You will definitely be happy again . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shikashika Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 caro... I COMPLETEY agree with you about the overuse of NC on this site ... as if its some sort of mantra... I think its a good idea for a while.. but everything is not so black and white NC is NOT always the best thing to do... it just prolongues the bitterness IMO i hope you feel better Tony! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyMar75 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Wow, Caro, thanks for that, and to the rest of you guys. Just what I needed on a rough day. The funny thing about my coworker is that she's so sweet, she tried to give me CREDIT for being weak by saying, "I'm surprised you didn't ask sooner." Then she told me she'd been there, too -- and didn't hold out for as long as I did before she asked someone about her ex! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caro33 Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Sounds like it's all okay then, from the colleague perspective at least. You've also been given some positive feedback there that you're doing well and exercising some admirable restraint. Keep holding strong Tony. It does suck to see the other person moving on, but the pain will subside more and more. Don't think she's forgotten you, she's just moving on in her own way. BTW I tend to think that having the time alone is a much better way to heal in the long term sense - I think you end up with less baggage about unresolved issues. I might be saying that because I was single for ages after my long term relationship ended though, it's a good rationalisation . If you want hope or positive vibes: I suffered terribly when it all went wrong for me and my long term relationship ended suddenly. It was a terrifying and rotten place to be and I thought I would be alone for life. After a little while, I went on to have some wonderful experiences I never would have had otherwise. I also got married to a wonderful man last year, and now we are expecting a baby. The universe does right itself in the end . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyMar75 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Whew, Caro, that's inspiring, thanks. Better believe I'll bring that to mind tomorrow when I walk in the office and see my ex and think of her with another person... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I personally dont see the point in reestablishing or maintaining some form of contact with an ex, especially when the ex is with someone else. I dont think it's fair to them or to the new person in their lives. When someone shows you the door, walk through it. You have to do what's best for you and only you can decide what that is. For me, it was taking every step necessary to leave my ex in peace and let her pursue her own life. Though, I did not begin healing until I learned she was with someone new. Sometimes you need that kick in the butt to get the healing ball rolling. Orlander Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyMar75 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 I hear you, Orlander. Once she leaves the office on her last day, I have a feeling it's going to be quite a while before I talk to her again. It's going to take months for me to heal and my goal is not to call until I have. The next phase, of course, is do I call her when I feel I can? I feel like I love her unconditionally and will want to keep in touch even if we're not together (though I still have a long way to go for that). My heart says it will be very difficult not to initiate that contact, but like you said, Orlander, SHE has shown ME the door. I tried to get her back. She knows I'm in love with her and wanted to try to make it work. She said no. But I know she still cares about me, and has said that she wants to remain friends. I feel like if she wants me in her life, though, she'll make the effort. That aspect has been debated again and again on here, and I tend to feel that it's up to the dumper to make that initial contact after some time has passed. Like SuperDave says, actions speak louder than words in that situation. I can't help but feel sadness when I think that she might never make that call. For now, one day at a time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 The next phase, of course, is do I call her when I feel I can? No. Loving unconditionally means knowing that you just have to let her live her life. If you were meant to be friends then it will just happen, but will be a natural thing that happens and will have nothing to do with any past/remaining feelings. It could be an action you take, or she takes or some random event that brings you two together, but you must be over her completely before you can ever be her friend. Just hang in there and remember that things will get better. Orlander Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pisces_Princess Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Hi Tony, Sorry to read this. You have been doing so well too. Just keep moving forwards, you still don't really know for sure that she is with anybody else BUT it shouldn't matter. All you need to care about now is your life and your future xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonyMar75 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Hi Tony, Sorry to read this. You have been doing so well too. Just keep moving forwards, you still don't really know for sure that she is with anybody else BUT it shouldn't matter. All you need to care about now is your life and your future xxx Hey, Pisces. So good to hear from you! Thanks for the uplifting words. You're right, it shouldn't matter, but it's funny how it can seem like the most important thing in the world. It really is a Zen trick to push the thoughts out of my mind... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pisces_Princess Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Hi Tony, Just replied to your PM... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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