wishing I could love you...

[Rosey]

I'm feeling somewhat confused, and wondered if anyone else had had this experience? My bf emailed me at the weekend basically saying that he's worried that I feel more for him than he does for me - he explained that he thinks I'm a good friend and a lovely person, and I'd be great to settle down with long-term, and that he has wished many times that he could develop stronger feelings for me. However, he feels he has nothing to offer anyone except his own confusion.

 

This has baffled me a bit, partly because I thought things were going fine, but also because I just can't imagine a time where I've ever really wished that I felt more for someone - I've either felt something for them or I haven't. He has eluded on several occasions to having had quite a traumatic upbringing, and has battled throughout his life with anxiety and depression. He's also told me previously that he rarely gets close to people for fear of passing on his unhappiness. One relationship that he really invested in a couple of years ago ended this time last year in a particularly painful break-up, which I know damaged quite a lot of his concepts of relationships in general.

 

The thing is, he never said he wanted to end things (we've been together a few months), and said that if I still wanted to see him based on his limitations, that he would be happy. I suggested that we chat in person, and he agreed that this would be a good idea, although we've not set a day as yet (there's also a bit of travel distance involved which makes things more tricky). I guess I'm just wondering whether anything positive is likely to come out of it - ie, whether it is possible that we could talk more and work through things, or whether this is a sign that maybe I'm just not the right person for him...? I know that no-one can really say one way or the other, but just thought it'd be interesting to have some other opinions!

 

Thanks

[cantexplain]

I'd say that there is some work which can be done.

 

What if he had some space to realize how much he does value you?

 

Perhaps pulling back a bit, while continuing to talk, and giving him some more time to heal might help.

[herewegoagain]

Well, if you can deal with his attitude of just hanging out, then keep on seeing him.

 

But if you don't want that, then you should look for someone else who wants a real realtionship with you.

 

A woman friend of mine was in the same situation as you. She hung around and hung out with him for a couple of months after he told her that he just wants to hang out (have fun, sex, etc) but not be a bf/gf.

 

Eventually, she got sick of it, and told him to take a hike. She wants to find someone who wants a "real" relationship.

[EvaGina]

He probably loves and values you as a person, but doesnt have that sick-in-the-tomach-engulfing LOVE that we all look for.

 

He probably loves you as a friend, and finds you sexually attractive, but just doesnt feel that extra "thing" that makes a couple work

 

hes not a bad person, I would say he is quite lovely, seeing as he told you his honest feelings.

[Rosey]

Thanks for your feedback. I guess now I'm in two minds as to what to do. Part of me thinks that maybe space and communication and things will come together, but the other part of me just wants to end things and be free of uncertainty.

 

The situation is a bit more complex in that we did go out initially for about 4months last year, but then we broke up (or rather he broke up with me) primarily because he was still dealing with his previous relationship breakup. We didn't see eachother/contact each other for a while, but when we met up again 4ish months later, there seemed to be some chemistry, and I know that my feelings certainly hadn't dimished in the time apart (much as I'd tried to stop thinking about it!).

 

Anyway, we got back together again in November last year, and things seemed to be going really well - lots more communication and openness etc, and I felt more and more able to drop my initial caution.

 

So now that this has happened I'm kind of thinking "okay, just forget about it", but also I know that I wouldn't be interested in giving things a third chance, so there's the flip side of wanting to make sure that it has been given a fair chance. Hmm, dilemmas!

 

Thanks for the tip about leaving space cantexplain. I can certainly do that whilst mulling things over!

[Rosey]

Ok, so it turns out he was just being a coward, and has now broken up with me. Via telephone no less.

 

It's kind of an insult really - first time he broke up with me was via text, second time via telephone. And during the telephone conversation he was being all counsellor-style rather than normal (like "well, you have a right to be angry with me..." etc).

 

Anyway, in a way it's helped me that he was cowardly about it, as it's shown to me a side to him that's pretty unattractive. So that in itself helps in the dealing with it phase. Hopefully...