It's been about 2 years

[mintblossom]

2 years since it ended. 2 years since I last saw him. 1 year since I even tried to have a decent conversation or apology from him. These 2 years have been the BEST years of my life since I met him.

 

He made my life a living hell. I made choices when I was stuck in that dead-end life that perpetuated the cycle and brought me down extremely low. I hit rock bottom. If I had not been lucky enough to get out and find out it was abuse, I would have ended up dead, homeless, or as a personal/financial slave.

 

I have NEVER regretted it. In fact, I regret the very moment that I ever first spoke to him. He brought nothing into my life.

 

What I got from the "relationship" was:

 

Abuse - Financial, Sexual, Physical, Verbal

Loss of self-esteem - hated myself

Dropped out of school - couldn't study or go to class with the barrage of abuse tossed at me daily

Depression, Anxiety, Extreme Stress - Due to always trying to please him and never being able to

Self-hatred

Landed in jail - he encouraged me to steal and always talked about stealing as if it was a great honor

Being used

A beating bag for everything that went wrong - it was all my fault

Completely Isolated - he cut me off from friends, family, classmates, EVERYONE, I was soooo lonely and distraught

Blamed me for all his abuse and then denied it and THEN said I was ABUSIVE

Constant mind games, manipulation

I was going completely crazy, my whole system was breaking down/being broken down on a daily basis

Stalked me

Controlled me

 

I will never regret getting out. Everyday I am still paying for this relationship. I am still trying to catch up to the people my age that are living their lives well. Everyday I pay the price for this nasty relationship.

 

2 years later, I'm still trying to recover, still trying to heal, still trying to finish school, recover my finances, find good friends to trust, 2 years....

 

still broken. But I getting out was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I felt like writing this, it is so hard to recover from abuse. It is really hard. But it is better to live life on my terms than to be abused like that.

[chantal]

well im glad to hear that you got out.

Maybe you should consider going to highschools and talking about this issue.

Lots of girls my age are staying in bad relationships and maybe they need an eye opener.

I dont know what is going on with men now a days but they feel they have the right to control their girlfriends. I HATE IT!!!

And I think girls need to know that they dont have to go through this and that there are better man out there.

But anyway im at school and i have to go now , lol

talk to you later

im proud of you

 

~chantal~

[flower99]

Maybe you should consider going to highschools and talking about this issue.

 

That's a great Idea!!!!

 

Congratulations for getting out of the relationship. I'm sorry for all you've gone threw....It's made you are stronger wiser person... you're an inspiration!

[mintblossom]

As you can see, the ups and downs have not gone away. For the period of time when I suffered abuse and placed myself and my life in the hands of an abuser I went through more pain than I ever had before.

 

Today is one of those days when I suffer from the aftershocks. I feel depressed. Emotional pain. I was foolish when I made a choice to even let him near me. I know I was not thinking clearly or even consciously.

 

I look back and I feel so horrified and terrified of the choices I made. I stole. I dressed raggedly. I fought with my family and gave them incredible stress. I was so depressed. I cried all the time. I aimed a knife at him. I was going completely crazy. I thought about suicide. His barrage of criticism, calling me names, putdowns, yelling at me, his mood swings, his constant anger, his inability to be pleased by anything I did, his blame, my self-esteem became nonexistent.

 

Whereas I once was a good student, I could no longer read a simple book or magazine without my mind wandering over the place. I was a total mess. Men picked me up that wanted to sleep with me. (Luckily I never gave in and never met a rapist) But it disgusts me to look back and see the vulnerable emotional state I was in and how exploitative people saw me as a potential victim.

 

His mental, emotional, financial, sexual abuse. Very sick person. I would never touch him or go near him for even a second NOW. That would be like taking a gun and shooting myself in the foot.....or even the head. I know my life would be over.

 

I regret the choices I made in the past. I regret the horrific condition my mental state and emotional state was in. I am sad for the girl I was. I am sad about the disgusting user men I met. It is sick. I was so sick.

 

Don't......don't ever let yourself near an abuser. Back then, I had no idea of the repercussions and consequences of being near an abuser. It lead me straight to hell.

 

No matter how I tried to fix him, I couldn't. No matter how I tried to help him, he never cared about me. Now matter what I did, I was wrong.

 

He would call me "stupid". I heard that enough times and I started to believe it. My mind tried to escape and protect itself but my body and mind were in a constant state of shock.

 

He blamed me for his drug use. (I have never tried a drug in my life.)

 

I will never ever ever again allow an abuser, user, loser, druggie, addict, exploitative, manipulative, lying person, thing, entry into my life. No means no.

 

I just had to write this.....to pour out my pain and mourning. The side effects linger. I can only hope to forgive myself one day for the choices I made at the time.

 

I had a responsiblity to my life. But I was so sick I could not even realize it. But now I do. I failed myself but I will fail myself no more.

[mintblossom]

Just felt like writing some more. Regardless of whether another person will read this or not.

 

He made me sick to my stomach. This was a guy that I did everything I could for. I tried to help him, take care of him, protect him, be good to him. There was the time when he came home drunk and I brought him water as he puked in the bathroom. The times when I bought him a GED book to complete his degree. He was such a violent unpredictable person. There was no telling when he would explode even though I could sense the tension because he would blow his top off. He was vicious, cruel, demeaning, hurtful, and yelled at me and made me feel ashamed for the stupidest, non existent things. It was a horrible way and I regret ever living that life and for not getting out sooner.

 

The best thing I ever did was to get away from him permanently. The last time I spoke with him, I asked him "why did you abuse me?" and he denied it. He completely and totally denied it and THEN to top the icing on the cake: he accused ME of abusing HIM.

 

It absolutely shook me to my core to realize what I was up against. I could not wait to get away from him. The only thing that comforts me is that he realizes I am much more successful and talented than he is and my track record shows that. He has little to no chance of success. But even this is cold comfort to me.

 

Today, I read about Jason Kidd's allegations against his wife for abusing him. And his wife's counter filing that he was abusive, hit her, and cheated. I felt shaky because it brought it back to me.......that's what they do. I don't have much doubt that despite his basketball skills, he was abusive and felt entitled.

 

If an abuser spends years abusing a gf or wife, while all the while maintaining a charming facade to the public......he will turn it around on her and say that SHE did it to him.

 

It made me sick to my stomach that a person could be that cruel. One of the worst things from being abused by him was his outright denial of it and his calling me crazy, stupid, fat, ugly.....AND then to say that I was the abusive one. It was so disgusting for him to say this because I spent years trying to help him and take care of him at the expense of neglecting and not taking care of myself.

 

At the time coming out of the relationship, I was so afraid other people would not believe me. Afterall, what evidence did I have? I always tried to protect him. When he did mean horrible things, I never spoke of it with others. I only tried to give others a good opinion of him even throughout his abuse. I was so lucky that my family believed me and that I found other abused women who had been through what I had gone through. They validated me - they had experienced the abusive patterns and behaviors and "crazymaking" as well.

 

I hope that god in heaven will see and acknowledge the truth and may the truth prevail and always be more powerful.

[Aurian]

Yeah, my ex pulled that on me too. He provoked me over and over until I was a mess of tears and then had the nerve to tell me that I was overly emotional and was abusing him. Ugh!

 

I would recommend some counselling. Yes, I do have a few lingering issues still from my own nasty ex, but I have regained my faith in people, feel like a stronger person now (not only from during the abuse, but I feel stronger than I was before i ever met him!) and feel ready to find someone who really IS who my ex initially pretended to be.

[mintblossom]

Oh, I do go to therapy. I am so much better than I ever was before. After being completely broken and shattered I had to find a way to rebuild myself and to find a new life. If anything, I will not let him win and in that I mean I will not stay the same crazy, emotional, messed up, destructive mess that I became after years of his torture. I am more capable and accomplished than that.

 

But recently I feel more compelled to write about what happened. It hasn't been easy but everyday without someone like that is a blessing.

[cchurting]

Teardrops,

 

I read all your posts and I thank you for writing. Not only is it very insightful, but I think it will also give some warnings to potential abusers.

 

I have experienced a couple of things on that list. Fortunately, they happened at a time where I was still living with my parents so they witnessed some of it. Otherwise, I feel like I would have stayed and would be posting all of what you have here.

 

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It is a hard lesson of life, but you made it through! You are alive and now know what you will NOT ever put up with, ever again. Some people don't ever learn that lesson.

 

I agree with some of the posters that you need to take your experience and help others, such as a high school. You are a gifted speaker of thought. I feel your post already may help some people here at ENA.

[mintblossom]

I was happy to hear that my writings may help someone feel better or learn. If anything, I don't want to add any pain to this world because there is already too much suffering.

 

In a way, it's a blessing that my painful experiences may keep others from the same pain because no one deserves to live like that.

[Steelergal]

Teardrops...

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences so vividly.

 

My husband had an affair and left me...and now that I am out of the marriage (not by my choice) I am slowly realizing that I was in an abusive relationship. I am still in the denial stage but so many things that you wrote about I could have written as well. That really started to make things click for me.

 

For example, what you said about not being able to read a book or magazine....I had never related that to the abuse. But I had always been an excellent student and I used to love to read. All of the sudden it was taking me an hour to read one chapter of a book because things just weren't sinking in. I also started to have problems with productivity at my job because I couldn't focus and I was always checking over my work thinking I had done something wrong. I used to excel at that job but things just started to change. I thought I was going crazy or something (which is exactly what my husband told me) but now it is like pieces of a huge puzzle falling together. The abuse was destroying me from the inside out, wasn't it?

 

My family and friends said that I turned into someone they didn't even know anymore. I had no self-esteem or ambition left in me. Then he said he didn't like me anymore because I had become a weak person with emotional problems. I never had problems with anxiety and depression until after we were together. Maybe it was because he made me that way? He essentially made a mess of me and then threw me away when he was done. At least you were smart enough and strong enough to walk away. I never would have....

[mintblossom]

Steelergal,

 

It doesn't matter how he left or how the relationship ended, what matters the most is that you have yourself and you have your life. My "relationship" ended after 6 years because he walked out of my apartment and slammed the door. I remember walking along the streets crying, looking for him, thinking that he couldn't have left without saying goodbye to me...right? But I remember feeling an incredible sense of relief as well, that I was free. I never called him and a year or so later when he tried to come back, I found out that he had left because he had found someone new at the time. Only he said that it was me he really "loved."

 

But in that year's time..I had gotten stronger. In essense I told him, no, you abused me and the best thing that ever happened to me was your being gone.

 

He used to tell me I was crazy all the time. And really...with his constant emotional, verbal abuse, my whole being was destroyed. My soul....hibernating somewhere? I went from being an ambitious student to a straight F student in that time. I did things I had never done before in my life..like stealing!! And which I would never do again. I had no friends, no family, no job. I didn't even have myself. I had panic attacks, anxiety attacks, depression. I was a body without a soul.

 

So....I have faith that though you say I was smart and strong...I wasn't. I had to pick up the pieces from rock bottom. It was so hard at first.....finding a therapist (after trying many different ones), moving back home, reenrolling at school, interviewing for a job, trying to make acquaintances ('cuz I no longer had any!), grooming myself, oh man.......

 

Just realize.....being out of an abusive relationship is one of the best things a woman can do for herself. Also, try to read the book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It really clicked it for me....who he was and is.

 

And yes, at the time, I was at a point where I could not read a book for more than 5 minutes without my mind wandering all over the place. Like in a thick fog. And now....I can read clearly for hours and write.....I can sing and dance and laugh and feel a love for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I gained strength and clarity and I feel you will too.

 

Much Hugs.

[Gracelove]

Wow, I can really relate.

I haven't had all of your experiences but I can understand what you're going through.

I'm so sorry, so very sorry.

I know what it's like to feel behind all of your peers, it's hard, painful.

Relationships can do that.

Before I had similar experiences, I never knew a relationship could do so much harm.

People are dangerous, some people are. It'll get better, I honestly believe that.

I've had some extremely hard times, but I'm better now than before.

Congratulatoins on escaping the relationship. Believe it or not, a lot of people don't make it out alive.

Best Wishes

[mintblossom]

I'm sorry for all the bad experiences that we've all had as well. Relationships shouldn't be like. It's unfortunate that there are some people without empathy and feeling for others and who have purposeful intentions to hurt. I think that is what gets to me the most, that HE was doing it all on PURPOSE.

 

I never used to think relationships could be so damaging or hurtful or that it could drag me down so much. I thought relationships were about fun, just light dating, getting to know one another. My empty and meaningless relationship took everything away from me and robbed me of my dreams.

 

I felt lucky to get out alive without an STD and with my youth. I used to go on this forum with older women who had gotten out of bad marriages. These women were..40, 50, even 60+ years old and they had given decades of their life to "changing" these men.

 

I thought I had suffered and lost a lot....but I could not compare with the decades of their life and youth they had given up for someone who didn't even care.

 

I think we deserve to give each other a pat on the back...hopefully, we're all going to heal and be alright.