Bad Breakup and Heart Broken

[houdini]

Hello everyone,

 

Here's my story as it's a complicated one. I met my ex of 5yrs through a mutual friend. My ex was visiting her family here in california where I live but she lived in las vegas. We hit it off pretty good but at the same time we were each getting out of a bad marriage so I wasn't to sure if it was a rebound thing or not. We kept in contact and I'd go visit her often and she'd come visit me. that went on for about a year and then I learned she was pregnant, we were having a baby, the thought devistated me because I had just got out of a marriage in which I have two daughters from that marriage and I wasnt sure what to do because of the long distance relationship and the fact that she was pregnant. With all the stress and frustration and overwhelming pressure I distanced myself, we had an ugly breakup for during the first couple of months of her pregnancy. My family kept in touch with her and when my son was born my family went to las vegas to see her and the baby, I didnt go as I was still confused and scared. After a month I kept in contact with her, her pain and anger of me leaving her during her time of need had somewhat went away and she gave me a chance to be apart of her life again and my son's life. After a couple of months I made a big choice to pack up and move to las vegas and even though I was leaving behind my two daughters I knew that I would do what I could to maintain the relationship with my girls. I lived with my girlfriend and our son and her two daughters from her previous marriage for 2yrs and we had discussed moving back to calif. so we could all be a family but during those two years nothing ever came of our discussions on the move, in fact she would see that I was depressed and missed my girls also and would tell me to move back to CA. and we also had many arguments as I seen and felt she held alot of resentment and anger towards me for what i did earlier in the relationship. So after two years of living with her and the kids I did what she said to do and moved back, although it wasnt' a breakup we had decided she would move back to Ca in a few months. Well those few months came and went and it turned into two years trying to keep a long distance relationship going with lots of anger and resentment and lack of trust etc. but still had a plan, to be a family. Well two weeks ago I started to feel she was getting distant, not responding to emails, short phone calls cause she was tired and I finally asked if everything was ok. She said no that she was tired and couldnt do this anymore that we didnt nurture our love during these two years apart like we should have (even though we did see eachother occasionally) and that she was not in love anymore but loved me still. She said she needed space and wanted to be alone, she said it's not becaue of another guy ( I had asked her that question) and that another relationship was far from her mind right now. From that point on I did ALL the wrong things that I thought were right, I called, pleaded, begged, said I would change, did nice things..all the typical desperate things we do when we want someone back. And I could see it was pushing her away. After reading several posts from other websites and especially this one I've decided to do the "no contact" approach, so that I can take a good look at myself and try and be a better person but also to give her, her space. I took alot of things for granted and I know I should have done alot more to keep the relationshop going and at first I blamed myself for alot of things but I believe we both have alot of issues. I love her and miss her and of course I miss my son and her daughters....Like everyone here, I wish there was a quick solution and that we could work TOGETHER to fix our issues because it's not just about me and her it's about our kids too... My problem is now and I havn't read to many posts on this but how do you apply the NC rule when there are kids involved? and whats everyones opinion on my situation. I'm 35 she's 34 we both moved in with our parents to save money so we could buy a house and have the family but now thats all out the window...any advice would be appreciated!!!!!

 

 

Houdini

[Ellie2006]

Hi there, Houdini,

Welcome to ENA.

I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, though.

 

As you already read in the ENA forums, NC is generally advised for those trying to get over the pain of their breakup.

 

Nonetheless, NC is NOT right for all situations. And if there are children involved, NC is next to impossible to implement.

 

First, if I may ask: if you guys have identified the problem in your relationship as a lack in nurturing the love between you two, are YOU willing to do all that it takes to reconcile? Is she willing? If both of you are willing to work on the relationship to make it work this time around, would you two consider going to couple's therapy?

 

Second, if neither (or only one) of you is willing to work on the relationship and hence a reconciliation is *not* in progress at this juncture, LC (limited contact) is preferable to NC, in my humble opinion.

 

In doing LC, you would limit your conversation/contact w/ your ex to matters only concerning your children; all other topics would be off limits.

 

Just my two cents.

 

This must be a difficult time for your family; please hang in there and make sure to take care of yourself while you heal.

 

Best wishes to you,

Ellie

[houdini]

Ellie,

 

Thank you for your response as I've been waiting all day long for some advice so I appreciate you taking the time to give me some input on this matter. As usual the broken hearted one (me) has done what I could to reconcile, I've tried ot reason with her with the fact yes I have taken for granted our relationship in many ways and not one person is to blame for us letting 2yrs go by without putting forth a complete effort, I'm back with my old congregation and started with a weekly support group to deal with my personal issues and anger and of course I've tried to give her the attention she said she needed...her response to all this: "It's to late". When I moved back the main reason was to take care of my two daughters here in CA. because thier mother was off with her boyfriend and my girls were living and still living with thier grandmother. Although when I came back I didnt have a job but I had the skills to work from home and make ok income (I'm a graphic designer) I then landed a really good job with a clothing company designing for them so everything was pretty much a red carpet rolled out for my ex to move here after about 6 months into our long distance relationship. She always came up with excuses that she couldnt just up and leave, quit her job and move her kids so I think all in all her intentions were either not to move or just didnt have the trust in me to take that chance. (Sorry for the long response) At this point she's asked for time and to be alone but that I could call and check on our son, at my point in life (my lowest ever) I feel that contact with her is unbearable and knocks me back down to zero when I'm struggling to get to 1 and 2. Would contact with her mother be ok??

 

Here is the last email she has written me:

I'm glad to know that you are okay and that you are closer to God and

your family. Just because I don't call, it doesn't mean I don't care.

I pray for you every single day. I have prayed so much for me too, you

know I made up my mind about being done and trust me, it's hasn't been

easy. I've prayed and prayed for God to guide me to do what's best and

I feel in my heart that I have made the right choice. My heart feels at

peace now. That doesn't mean I don't love you. I do but I don't feel

that I'm in love anymore, I guess with the time, the distance; little by

little that feeling went away, maybe because we didn't nurture our love.

I don't want to give you false hope Mario. I need to be alone now. I

feel I spent too much time waiting around and lying to myself thinking

that we could make it after all I've been through, when in reality we

tried and we failed. You are welcome to call and check on Ayden because

he has no fault in what happened. I made so many mistakes too and I'm

sorry for that. I guess we never tried together and it's too late. My

heart is not in it to try anymore. I don't want to hurt you. Maybe

with time we can be friends for Ayden's sake. I hope you understand.

Please don't send money for me, I would appreciate it. Just take care

of Ayden and never turn your back on him. That is all I ask. Please

continue to take care of yourself for you and your kids. I'm proud that

you are making every effort to better yourself and your future. I am

trying to do the same. Take care of yourself and most importantly take

care of Janessa and Monae.

 

That pretty much sums it all doesnt it???? later that night after I called her crying again (this was this past monday) she said she needed time alone and space and that she felt stressed out and alot of pressure that if she down the road feels she made a mistake she will let me know and if it's to late and I've moved on then thats a risk she'll have to take.

 

Please!!! any input advice or smack in the face to wake up would be appreciated, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I'm fighting each day just to hang on!!!!!!

 

Mario aka Houdini

[Wandering_Sword]

From the email it sounds like she's committed to her decision. If thats the case respect it and just back off as much as possible. If you force the issue (being together) then you'll wind up pushing her even farther away. Take this time to step back and recuperate. If she decides to change her mind she will tell you, now whether you want to wait around for something to happen or go on with your life that's up to you. But I recommend that you take this time to continue healing and IF she comes back then you'll have much better onlook on the situation. Good luck and keep strong.

[herewegoagain]

Well I know it's hard, but do not mention to her at all again how you want her back, etc. Do not call and beg and plead ever again - all that will do is make you feel worse.

 

Please, Please - do not bring up the realtionship with her ever again. Give her the space she wants, and someday, she may want to reconcile. But for now, leave her be.

[Ellie2006]

Hi again Mario,

 

I agree with the others: it DOES sound like she's clearly communicated to you where she stands. Hence it might be best to give her the time and distance that she requested.

 

As she has given you the green light to call about your son, please do keep to LC and limit your conversations w/ the ex about issues regarding the children involved. I agree with the others that it will probably backfire on you if you take the conversation with her to topics about the relationship/breakup/reconciliation; so it would be best to stay away from those topics completely, IMHO.

 

Also, I would ask that, as hard as it may be, you disregard her final comment about how "she'll let you know when she realizes she's made a mistake and wants to come back." We should NOT hang our hopes on these empty words and put our lives on hold.

 

I would say continue on with your life as if she is not returning and focus on your healing and your children's well-being.

 

As for reconciliation, cross that road *only* when the natural course of events leads you to that direction.

 

Good luck and take care!

[houdini]

Thank you for the kind words, I've posted messages on other boards but i have to say this forum is the best!!!! not because everyone gives false hope but they give you a sense of direction, hope within ourselves and comfort. Other forums seem to brash and inconsiderate at times and that can really bring us down, you have to know how to handle a fragile person like us who are going through alot. I have given her, her space since monday and will continue to do so, Like I've said in my post earlier we do have a son so I'm trying to work around that so that I don't have to contact her during my time of healing so I'll deal directly with her mother whom she lives with, with my son and her 2 daughters. My question to you all and you've all been great, can a women get to a point where they're so overwhelmed they distance themselves from the one they love and try and convince themselves how bad the other one was to justify thier decision? the reason why I ask is because prior to not talking to her and talking to for the first week of our break up all i hear is everything I've done wrong in the relationship, every argument, every small thing to the biggest thing Ive done wrong.... and with that said,is it possilbe that she clears her mind through all this and realizes she made a mistake? that our problems weren't so bad and it was worth fixing for us and our kids...... I know it's questions that can't be answered but only by time but I just wanted your input and I'll continue with the NC or limited NC for my son's sake.....

 

Thank you all!!!

 

Mario

[Siro]

your issue sounds just like mine.except I get the not now Idon't know what the future holds Ineed a year for my self and I hang on it we split in sept

It's still rough going alot of good people to vent to