Unrequited Love

[Nappy]

Hi there everyone. First let me say, this forum has been amazing. I have been reading many posts and replies and have learned a whole lot from all of you. It's strange how strangers can really help you through what you are going through. In my case, I am resisting letting go in the hopes that my bf will come around.

 

For some background: My bf and I were together for 3.5 years...wonderful years. At the end of last August I broke up with him. I was still very much in love with him, but I guess I was just sick of the boredom, and sick of not really having much to say anymore. He has always had trouble in social situations, and it became a burdon on the relationship in terms of him having anything to say. He spent his time miserable at his job and while at home playing video games...Basically, no creativity in his days and pretty much miserable aside from being very deep in love and happy with me....However, the latter part I did not quite know. I guess I just didn't know how to deal with it and just took the plunge and broke up with him. I truly wish I would have handled it differently...Just taken a break rather than a break up...But I suppose he wouldn't have started to make the effort to change should we have stayed together.

 

Anyways, we were broken up for 4 months. In those months we remained friends and spent a lot of time together on the weeekend...sleepovers and all. Since I was confused and didn't really know how to deal with what we were....Well, I suppose I pushed him away. Whenever he asked to snuggle, I responded with a "I don't think we should do that." I'm sure I broke his heart a million times in ways I didn't know it would. I made a new acquaintence, which happened to be a guy....and well my bf's assumptions flew and he figured I had moved on and was interested in this person. That could not be further from the truth...But my point is that I'm sure many of these instances happened where he interpreted it as me having moved on and fallen out of love. I always loved him...In fact, my love for him was turning into something even more beautiful...All the while, he was forcing himself to move on...And he did a bit.

 

I asked him to come back to me at the end of December....It was a long, painful, confusing 2 weeks for him as he had started to move on and was interested in dating a new person he had met. I could tell that he definitely struggled with it....He didn't want to lose me, but he also did not want to be in a serious relationship. In the end, he chose me. So, we've been back in our relationship for a month now...Though he is not whole-heartedly in it. He does not love me the way he did before..Totally, Completely, Without any doubts, and happy with his want to spend the rest of his life with me. And he is simply not ready for a serious relationship as he puts it. The thing I struggle with is...Should he have started to date that other girl...I can't help but think that he would easily move to a new stage where he was ready for a serious relationship with this new person...Even though she definitely was not a catch (is living with her current bf for one thing).

 

We had a talk last night. He says that he loves me more than a friend, but that he does not love me the way he used to. He says that he is not 100% committed to us; he says that he is waiting until he sees himself become a person that has something to say. Basically, he is trying to become a person that can carry a conversation with a person. He is already well on his way as he is happier at work and has taken up a hobby that has been great for his confidence and allows him to socilalize. But this hurts just as much as someone being broken up with. He fell out of love a bit, he doesn't want to love me totally and completely as he doesn't feel ready....I suggested that perhaps it is because he is afraid of being hurt, But he adamantly says that it has nothing to do with fear and everything to do with just not being in love with me the way that he use to. He said that his progress went from being deep in love to really becoming unattached. I guess you are all wondering, well then, what is he doing in this relationship. He told me that he does still love me and that he once wanted to spend his life with me so badly..that he's pretty much banking on that feeling coming back but that he's just not ready to let his wall down. He knows how much I love him, he knows how badly I want to spend my life with him....So I don't think his worry is that so much as worrying that he won't have anything to say again. Anyhow, he said that he knows that he is being selfish keeping me on a "shelf in his apartment" but that he is hoping that that feeling will come back.

 

My God does this hurt. The person that I love so much in this world has lost his love for me. The person that once thought I was so amazing has a cold place in his heart for me. I thought to myself, is this fair to me? The thing is, I forced him into this place. He didn't want to be here, but he got there out of necessity. I love him, but I know I have to think about myself too. I want him to love me so badly again, I want things to go back as they were to the days that we needed each other (I still feel I need him, but he has told me that he doesn't need me anymore), to the days where we were sooo close and attached to each other..I want to marry him, go through life with him, have adventures with him....So I guess my answer is that I want to be on the shelf. I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak as I get the feeling that it will take him a very long time to get back to where he was...But I can't stop midstride and wonder what could have been. I want to be with him and wait it out, no matter how much it hurts...Because should it turn out the way I want, It will have been worth it. And even if it doesn't, it will have been worth it...I love him.

 

My question is...Can that feeling come back? I hurt him so much, that I wonder if he can ever fall deep in love with me again. He says that now things don't hurt him the way they use to - Which I know is a terrible situation. Can he regenerate with me to a point where breaking up and moving on would hurt again? (Not that this will happen. It's just that the ability to be hurt by your significant other is extremely important and telling to the love they have for you) I wonder if breaking contact would work...But he says that as long as we continue to spend time together he will fall back in love. And I think I agree. I mean, should we break contact it wouldn't be very difficult for him to continue to move on.

 

I'm just very confused in all of this. He says that he wants to be romantic with me, but just not all the time. I really just don't understand this. If someone is in love...maybe not the way they use to but still in love....shouldn't they want to be romantic with you (as in affections, etc)?

 

This is just a very confusing place to be in. Any help, advice would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone ever been in his shoes, my shoes? Anything would really help.

[Dilly]

Hello Nappy, you are so fortunate in that you got him back into your life. But I wonder (possibly mirroring those unspoken doubts of your boyfriend) if you are not excited by the challenge that he has become. When relationships fade due to boredom, sometimes we push our partners away and then, once they finally stop trying to come into our zone of affectionate exchange, we try to lasso them back and the whole thing is this rigorous challenge that in no way resembles the boredom that preceded it. IF you got him back where you claim you want him, where he trusts you wholeheartedly and wants to be with you all the time and is able to carry on intelligent and intersting conversation, would you really find it all that appealing?

 

I hope you know what you are doing because it sounds like he lacks assurance that you know what you want.

 

I think all in all that there is no need for interventions of enforcing no-contact, unless one of you wants out, which neither of you do (thank goodness). My best recommendation is to relax, think positive, and take it one day at a time. You insinuate that you trust him and that he is honest with you and thus, I have no reason to think he's keeping options open with that girl (who is obviously entangled with her own boyfriend). But if you don't trust him, I would come right out and ask if he is considering other women. If not, GREAT, just let him develop his feelings for you at his own pace and let him pout about it a bit. You hurt him, he's allowed to complain. Let this pain process through your lives and be understanding and empathize with him over it. Give him a hug and reassure him that you love him and realize how dreadful it would have been to endure what he had to go through.

[samross]

I agree with Dilly. Relax and try not to analyze everything. We're all guilty of it. I can relate somewhat to him. Sometimes it is hard for me to carry on a conversation. One solution to that and both sides need to work on it is to increase the field of interests of both parties so that there are new things to talk about. Find a common interest - something new and out of the blue for both of you maybe. One things is for sure is that one person can't carry the conversation for both. If you both want to be together that's more than half the battle. Now RELAX and don't ANALYZE. Let life happen. Sometimes it's OK if there's nothing to talk about...

[Nappy]

Dilly and Samross,

 

Thank you sooo much for your advice and thoughts.

 

You are right. I need to try to stop thinking it over and analyzing it...That is only causing the pain that I feel and wearing me out more than energizing me for the relationship.

 

Dilly, yes I would find it appealing. The thing is, he is absolutely perfect in every way for me...The problem is in that he had difficulty finding things to talk about. That has changed a lot. He has taken up a martial art which he loves and enjoys very much. I have taken up my own hobby, though not as time consuming and socializing than his. We have our hobbies to talk about. I have been thinking of taking up a martial art because of the benefits for myself...But also thought it would be a good way to have something in common. We are very similar people, but also very different...And I think that is a good thing. I don't necessarily have trouble finding things to talk about, but a big part of conversating is bouncing off of others. And I know that I do need to help him bounce off of me as well....Thus the hobbies.

 

I think what may also be important is that I need to work on myself just as much as he is working on himself. I'm taking more time to read, I'm trying to find new people to socialize with (my closest friends don't live in my city), and basically just trying to find new things to fill my time up that will benefit me as a person.

 

And Dilly, I have to say, that no, I'm not excited about the challenge that he has become. Though I think the changes that he is making are wonderful, they instill insecurity in me....Will he find that he just doesn't love me. I think once he becomes 100% committed I will be excited about who he is becoming...For now, it just worries me. That sounds very selfish I know. I am proud of him...I'm just in an insecure place right now. He has always felt that I am too good for him...Well, I feel the same way about him but more so now.

 

For now, I will be as patient as can be. He is important to me, we are important to me...So I will work on me and us and see what happens I suppose.

 

I will keep your words in mind....Relax, Be Positive, Take One Day at a Time

 

Sounds like a much funner way to live....

[reasonablegirl]

Nappy,

 

This is a very crucial time in this relationship and could be the point where you completely screw it up or actually make it work. There are no guarantees at all but you at least have some of the ingredients that are needed to rekindle a relationship with your guy. He still has feelings for you, you have feelings for him and you both seem to be willing to do something to try and make things better.

 

Remember a couple important things - you cannot change him, fix him or force him to do anything. The only person you control is you and you need to focus on that if you want to have a chance of making this work. He clearly wants to work on himself and you need to respect that and let him do it. You were not happy with him being depressed and listless before so why do you want to go back to that now? The reason is because back then you were sure of his feelings for you and it was easy and now it is not. However, if you let him make the changes he wants, he may become the person you wanted in the first place which will solve your issues with him and possibly make your future relationship better. It may also result in the two or you (or one of you) realizing that the new guy doesn't fit with you anymore but in the end, if you really love this guy, regardless of the outcome, you should be happy if he gets his act together and can truly live a happy life.

 

Add to this, you feel guilty because you dumped him and caused him a lot of pain. Of course he is a little skittish due to the past and has a wall and can't totally abandon himself to fall completely in love with you right now. You probably broke his heart, especially since you may have been the only happy thing in his life at that time. It is going to take him a lot of time to be able to trust you again and that is understandable. You need to foster that trust by allowing him the opportunity to grow and become who he wants to be without you smothering him or freaking out on him all the time. Heck, you dumping him may have been the best thing that ever happened to him as he seems to have done a lot of changing for the better. Gently support him in his efforts to keep becoming a better person and he may come to realize that your dumping him was just the kick in the rear he needed!

 

Start focusing on being the person you were when you broke up with him and the person you want to become. I bet you loved hanging out with your friends, doing your hobbies, enjoying your life, etc. and you did it in a carefree manner with joy and independence. Now, you are probably an anxious wreck, spending each day worrying about whether he will drop the bomb and say he is done with all of this today. I can tell you right now, that is not a pretty sight and certainly not the way to rekindle his love for you.

 

Start coming up with goals for what YOU want to accomplish in your life and start focusing on working towards those goals with little regard to what he is doing or what he wants. Spend time with him at the pace he feels comfortable with (let him initiate time spent together) but don't cater completely to his needs. If you have plans, don't drop them just because he wants to spend time with you. Don't forgo doing something you want to do because he just might call or whatever. Don't constantly ask him to talk about his feelings or the relationship or where this is all headed or whatever - he doesn't know right now and constantly asking is not going to get you a satisfactory answer and will just make you more anxious.

 

Be the person he first fell in love with and he just might fall again once he feels able to trust you again. However, if you turn into a clinging, sniveling, anxious wreck that is constantly trying to analyze him, how he feels and where the relationship is headed at every given moment, you'll just drive him away.

 

Hope this helps and good luck - letting him go and focusing on yourself is extremely difficult especially if you are in continuous contact but it is possible to do if you have great self-control.

[itsallgrand]

It's perfectly natural to feel insecure where you are at. Think about it.

You broke up with him bc you were bored.

He starts to do the things that he perceives as the why you broke up with him, and then you come to ask him back.

 

He most likely is testing the waters to make sure you really do love him as he is (not for what he does or doesn't do), and won't bail out on him again if things are less than perfect.

He is feeling insecure in your love for him right now, too. And i think it is up to you, at this point, to be the strong one who re-affirms all the positives in this relationship. Show him with actions how much you love him, and that you can endure the ambiguity for a while.

 

I think you are already there -- at wanting to work really hard and willing to stick it out to the end regardless -- and that will get you far.

 

Relax is good advice. Just remember he is with you for a reason - he wants to make it work too. Warming and trusting again take time. Every little step is great.

 

I hope this works out for you. Don't forget to keep talking to each other. Don't let him forget how proud you are of him, and how much you care. And that you HEAR him.

[Dilly]

I think this is a brilliant post. And I agree with It'sAllGrand --- It's probably 100% natural, however, to feel insecure over this situation. That's fine. Just continue to develop yourself and show enthusiasm for the relationship and your involvement in it. I think you will be just fine!

[Nappy]

Yes, absolutely brilliant posts.

 

Thank you for making me see what the best thing to do right now is.

 

I've come to realize that I am doing a couple of the things that will drive him away...And I need to stop. Because of the fact that I am insecure and unsure as to what it is that he is thinking/feeling/doing I try to talk to him about how he is feeling. He has made it clear..He's sick of thinking about it, talking about it, Just sick of it. So, from here on out...No more feelings talk..Not even my own feelings. He knows I am insecure about it all...That can't be attractive. Afterall, one of the things he is attracted to is my confidence and self-worth.

 

What I struggle with is the showing him that I love him. How much is too much? I have those intense moments where you intensely tell someone you love them...Are these bad? They use to make him feel guilty..I dont' see that so much anymore..Should I stop showing it soo much? Okay, I think I know....Just make it natural, not desperate for reciprication hehe. And yes, he senses my anxiety.

 

The thing is, he wants us to spend our weekends together. I gave him a window to spend time with his friends on the weekend if he wanted to...Just to let me know and I'll find something else to do...But he pretty much refused. He said "No, I want to spend our weekends together, we can do it as a group." I did start to notice myself worrying about him meeting new people, worrying that he would develop an interest for someone, or just prioritize new people over us. And I'm trying to keep in mind...I cannot control him. I just worry that the new paths he takes will only take him further away and when he is ready to be in a serious relationship, there will be someone new in that path that he will want to be in that serious relationship with.

 

I would be happy for him if he gets his act together and can live a happy life. I would be very happy for him. The thing is, the thought of him being the happiest he has ever been without me makes me sad. Because afterall, he was happy with me, he was very happy with me...Just not himself. I would be sad not to be a part of something so beautiful as a person learning to love themselves and becoming a perfect man...my perfect man, who has moved on. I guess in the end, everyone who has someone that has had a past relationship gets that persons better self thanks to those before them. I just hope that doesn't become the case for us.

 

Ahhhhh...Too many thoughts!!!

 

Okay ReasonableGirl and Dill - I will read your post everyday to remind myself of what I need to do for ME. In the end, you are right, I am the only person I can control. So, I will work on me and my goals. Letting go is so difficult, I'm not quite sure how to do it. But I will start with occupying my time and meeting new people. I know that he will always be in my heart and my thoughts...These things will only be distractions. But distractions that will get me closer to being my best self.

 

ReasonableGirl...Your Post was amazing and something I really needed to hear. I will try to live by your advice, as I know it is what I need to do. Getting there will be difficult but I will get there...I have to.

 

Thank you again!!!