basic999 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Ok i dumped my girlfriend over a year ago, we got back together 6 months ago. she started seeing someone else for the first time, i freaked and begged her back. heres the thing, I got back into a relationship with her, and now i rarely find her attractive, some days i do, some i don't, i pick her apart, shes a beautiful girl, yet i don't feel anything sexual for her about 65% of the time, i don't even want to kiss her. She moved on after seeing no one for months after we broke up, had sex with some fat loser that was "so sweet to her" and she dumped him when i came back into her life. Ive always thought she was hot, yet now all i can think about is her and him, it makes me so angry shed give it up to someone like him and i get mad at her and dont want to do anything with "some fat, gross, douchebags leftovers" or at least thats how i see it sometimes, is there anything i can do to change this? i know its my fault she had sex with someone else, i dumped her, i realize all that, that still doesn't change the fact i see her as repulsive most of the time. I love her, shes a great girl, but how can i be with someone i don't find 1 bit attractive. Theres more to this really, when things with us are good, i start freaking about wasting my childhood, giving up the best years of my life etc. (im 21 btw), and i make the decision to end our relationship, then as soon as i do, i start freaking about losing this girl ive been through so much and made so many plans with, and i start worrying about never finding anyone again, and i really start worrying about her going out and acting like a ho and tarnishing everything we ever had and embarrassing me. Im being selfish, i realize that, but i cant help it. What do i do? i only want her when i dont have her, and when i have her i want someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 You need to stop toying with this girls emotions and let her be. Do some maturing and figuring out what you want you can't always have your cake and eat it to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
truevox Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 I have never been in your position before, so I'm not really sure what to say. I'll say this though: If you have feelings for her, any at all, you should really consider couples therapy. I wish my love and I could have done it before she left me (she didn't want to though). It *CAN* help. Also, don't worry about finding someone else. If you're just with her because you don't think you can do better, then you DO need to revisit your relationship. Consider couples therapy. It can't make things worse, I wouldn't think. Good luck, I'd give anything to be in your position (but then, I guess the grass *IS* always greener...). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 I have never been in your position before, so I'm not really sure what to say. I'll say this though: If you have feelings for her, any at all, you should really consider couples therapy. I wish my love and I could have done it before she left me (she didn't want to though). It *CAN* help. Also, don't worry about finding someone else. If you're just with her because you don't think you can do better, then you DO need to revisit your relationship. Consider couples therapy. It can't make things worse, I wouldn't think. Good luck, I'd give anything to be in your position (but then, I guess the grass *IS* always greener...). Here is my deal, i am afraid ill be in your shoes in a year if i break up with her. Im insanely jealous and if i broke up with her and truly found time to appreciate what i had, then came back and shed done anything with any guy during that time, i dont have the tools to forgive her and id be right back where i started, before we broke up my huge problem was what she did before we were together, now this happened i dont think about that other stuff so much, and i only think about what happened during our break up even though i did way more with more people. Im being crazy, but ive never felt that kind of pain so it really makes the good just seem mediocre to me. i lost all respect for her and she takes anything i throw at her and she never gets hurt, i dunno, maybe getting even with her is my motivation to be with her, to really make her pay, im a twisted person and i really wish i could change it. I could always live the rest of my life under the influence of some sort of drug, that always seems fix all my problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lifestream Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 You don't find her attractive because you're still jealous! Let go of your jealousy. She let it go to someone. Who the hell cares? It's her body and her mind, she can give it to whomever she wants. Stop whining and work on the relationship. You must work on yourself, and be selfless. This is NOT a healthy relationship. Work on love, not on jealousy. If the relationship is based on jealousy, then what kind of relationship is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 I think you need therapy. Not as a couple, just you. These are serious issues and if you don't see someone its not going to get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 I think you need therapy. Not as a couple, just you. These are serious issues and if you don't see someone its not going to get better. your probly right, I almost said "im a smart guy, a therapist wont help because he wont tell me anything i dont know already, i dont think anything can help my jealousy" But then again, i obviously came here looking for some sort of therapy so maybe i should suck it up and try it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 It would be a good idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 it sounds like you like the thrill of the chase and what keeps you bound to her is a sense of "ownership." what do you actually like about her? do you want to grow old with her? have her be the mother of your children? you are young, and she is not the only woman out there. If you don't feel that she is the one for you, do yourself and her a favor and find the people you are meant for. i find it a bit concerning that you talk about her "going out and acting like a ho." she is young and when she is single, it is her body and her life and she can do as she pleases. I don't think you can say that she is "tarnishing what you had" if you are the one considering breaking up with her. afterall, she was free and single when she had sex with "the fat guy." I think she should have stayed with him, it sounds like he appreciated her more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 the sense of ownership is there, and its bad, yes i could see myself growing old with her, yes i cant think of anyone else id ever want to have my kids, and also yes i feel like i own her, and she allows me to, she is wayyy to submissive, and thats the reason i am the way i am when it comes to her. theres nothing i can really do to change that, i cant just flip a switch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 do you not respect her because she lets you walk all over her? I mean, is she submissive in the sense that she doesn't call you out on bad behavior? what if she just up and left you tomorrow? how would you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
langford Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 I also think you need to get help before you pyschologically damage this girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 End the relationship now, and probably try to work out these feelings. Does she have any idea that you're feeling like this? Or have you internalised it all, and it's buried deep down? I see there is a lot of rage and anger in your words - very strong language, and that shows (I think) that you are in a lot of pain, and it's sort of coming out in strange places. I think talking to someone would really help you, because it's almost like you're punishing yourself; there is disgust with your girlfriend, and fear that you won't find someone else etc. It's pretty unhealthy, as the other posters have commented. Maybe focus on yourself for the time being, and start to look at these issues, rather than trying to force yourself into a relatonship you dont' want, and potentially damaging yourself and your girlfriend. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 do you not respect her because she lets you walk all over her? I mean, is she submissive in the sense that she doesn't call you out on bad behavior? what if she just up and left you tomorrow? how would you feel? Yea, she lets me run all over her, i dont want to treat her bad, but when she allows is so much its hard, its hard to explain. ive had a talk with her, that if shed stand up for herself, do her own thing, respect herself then shed get treated a lot better, but it didnt do any good. And if she up and left tomorrow? im not sure how id feel, i mean right now i feel as if i wouldnt care, when we were broken up the last time we still dated and went out a lot and i was the only guy she was with, up until the end that is, and i never felt as though id care to much if she left. but then she did, and for a while she told me it was over, she really stood up for herself and that threw me for a loop and made me come running back hard. I never really know what im gonna do or feel until it happens, ive been ready to dump her tons of times, when i actually get her alone and start to do it, i freak and i cant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Granted she should be more respectful of herself, but it does not mean that she is responsible for how you treat her. Just because she lets you do it is by no means right for you to act that way. You should show her respect and then she may respect herself more. This sounds like an mentally abusive relationship, you continue to tear her down so it makes it harder and harder for her to want to feel anything good about herself. You most likely make her feel guilty for any dating or sex she's had that hasn't been with you, probably from even before she met you. You turn each things she's done into a big deal and pull it all apart. She may very well think that being quiet and unassuming is the best way to avoid more pain from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 well i did the only thing i knew to do, i told her how i felt, told her i was incapable of making a decision and told her to do what she thinks best. She said she needed time to think and will let me know. ideally this should work, but honestly, her being assertive and doing something for herself is only gonna make me respect her more and make me go nuts. This sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavis VDSande Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 If you can't look past what your gf did and chose to do freely with her own body then you shouldn't be in a rels with her. It's true that you can't have your cake and eat it and if you think that you'll find a perfect rel where everything is on your terms, you'd better think again! Having space from each other is def a good move - maybe she'll realise that there are better men out there for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 He was a coworker of mine, we used to carpool to work together and i helped him through a lot, he got divorced from his "mail order bride" and i was there to help him the entire time, i introduced him and her, his ex wife was her best friend before she jumped ship and became an illegal immigrant. she was also still having sex with me during there entire relationship that they both hid from me. You were still sleeping with her after you dumped her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Yea, she lets me run all over her, i dont want to treat her bad, but when she allows is so much its hard, its hard to explain. ive had a talk with her, that if shed stand up for herself, do her own thing, respect herself then shed get treated a lot better. You control how you treat her!! She may take it but that doesn't make it her fault. This is a dangerous line of reasoning... That said, no wonder you're so mad...she lied to you about the relationship and slept with you while seeing the other guy!! Now that is her fault and that is seriously messed up. She should not have lied to you, her ex, who she was still sleeping with. In fact, she should not have lied to anyone she was sleeping with. It just suggests she had something to hide and wasn't comfortable or happy in her relationship with that guy and that she is not honest with people with whom she is intimate. That's worrisome for someone trying to have a relationship with her. This doesn't sound like a very good situation for either of you. You dumped her, she was hurt and from the looks of it started seeing someone she didn't really care for all that much (seeing as she was still sleeping with you while seeing him) and now you are repulsed because she saw the other guy. I'm not going to judge your feelings towards her. I don't believe feelings are ever right or wrong....they just are. If you're not attracted enough to someone to be with her, then you won't be happy. Period. It doesn't matter how much you try to convince yourself of how hot or great the person is...it's all about how you feel...regardless of how you came to have those feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 This doesn't sound like a very good situation for either of you. You dumped her, she was hurt and from the looks of it started seeing someone she didn't really care for all that much (seeing as she was still sleeping with you while seeing him) and now you are repulsed because she saw the other guy. I'm not going to judge your feelings towards her. I don't believe feelings are ever right or wrong....they just are. If you're not attracted enough to someone to be with her, then you won't be happy. Period. It doesn't matter how much you try to convince yourself of how hot or great the person is...it's all about how you feel...regardless of how you came to have those feelings. I totally agree! This situation doesn't sound good for eiter of you. I really agree with everything lady00 said here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 27, 2007 Author Share Posted January 27, 2007 Well i officially broke up with her. Im going to do it for real this time, i have also figured part of my deal out. Breaking up with her is hurting her, and im so used to being the person for her to lean on that i instinctively run to her when shes down, and if i break up with her, i hurt her and cant help her. we will see how this pans out, thanks for your input Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 Don't sleep with her if you've broken up. That's just using her even more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 yeah, I vote "no" on continuing sexual relations with her. I think it will just confuse the situation more and make it harder for the both of you to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
basic999 Posted January 27, 2007 Author Share Posted January 27, 2007 By break up, i mean really break up, no more contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 27, 2007 Share Posted January 27, 2007 cool. yeah, in my mind, that is the best and easiest way to get over someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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