Too young / professionally complicated?

[rosie76]

Curious about an age-gap question - not sure if this is the proper place to post. I am a post-doc in a University and have volunteered to supervise a 5th year student in a final year project. A guy I just met at a party and liked turns out to also be a 5th year student, though in a related department and not strictly my own. The age gap, I'm guessing, is something like 8 years. Don't think I'd ever ask him out because of that, but am wondering if other people also think this should be off limits. He seems much older and I'd never have any control over his academic life, but still seems shady to me somehow. Perhaps only because I usually only fancy older men and want babies within five years. Or perhaps because it's wrong to date people the age of your students, regardless of department. What do you think?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Can you wait until the project is finished and you are no longer "professionally" associated and then try dating.

 

The age gap isn't so bad if you get along and there isn't a big difference in maturity

[caro33]

I think that 5th year is vastly different to 1st or 2nd year, and for many courses this would actually be closer to ending the degree or post-grad. So the 5th year thing is not too much of a big deal.

 

I think the issue is more about power and any imbalance. I agree that if you had any control or influence over this guy's academic life it is worth staying away, in your interest as well as his. If it didn't work out and he was your student, he could make your life very difficult. However, if there is no overlap, then I wouldn't worry.

 

I don't think that dating someone who is a consenting adult and also happens to be younger should be an issue unless it's an issue for you. I do think that the babies need you have would be badly aligned with a 5th year student, but who knows. My advice to you is to look for men above 32 or so for the best chance, but this might vary per culture/country.

 

I assume your institution has no policy about students in general?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I worked as a grader for several semesters my first years of grad school, I avoided too much involvement with the students to avoid it looking like I was giving any favor to one or another. There was a few guys that would flirt with me a lot, but I kept my distance.

[annie24]

wait, are you actually supervising HIM? or just his colleague? If you are not supervising him (your love interest), I think it is ok, as you don't have any bearing on his career and if you are not his supervisor. I would keep it on the DL (down low), but I don't think you would be doing anything wrong by pursuing this relationship.

 

PS - Post-docs are usually called "Post-doctoral STUDENTS" (at least where I am). So.... you are still a student in a way.....

 

good luck

[rosie76]

Post-graduate students over here are called 'post-grads' while post-doctoral researchers are called 'post-docs', so I'm no longer a student. Haven't gotten the discount at the cinema for years now, boo hoo. He's not my student and I've no bearing on his career, but not sure about the age gap - or even if he fancies me! But thanks very much for the replies, all. Think we may be attending the same party next weekend and will see if anything still feels mutual and/or suitably mature.

[annie24]

lol - I don't think that their official title here is "Post-doctoral student." but I think a lot of professors know that they are still learning. (I do hear the phrase "post doctoral student" or "Post doctoral researcher" often). (I guess you are always learning new things, hopefully!) but if he is not your student, I don't think it is a big deal. does your university have a policy on it? I know some universities are more strict than others, and some, even if they don't have a rule, there is a "taboo." but, him being a 5th year, it is not as if he is a 1st year, straight out of high school. I can understand that rule if you are "taking advantage" of an impressionable 1st year, but I don't think a 5th year can be characterized as that.

 

good luck, just see what happens with him. I don't think the age gap is a big deal. 30 and 22/23, he is an adult, has been for quite a while, I think it is fine.

[Dara]

So 8 year age difference and you simpley attend the same school.

No problems that I can forsee.

But you say you don't even want to date this man anyway so whats the big deal?

[finewhine]

You poor thing. One of my best friends is in a grueling PhD student and rarely meets any men outside of school. She's 29 and, like you, wants babies in a few years. The guys she's dated recently have been younger than she, and they've gotten on her nerves, ultimately.

 

Anyway, elegibility aside, maybe he's not worth the effort? A marriage-minded twenty-two year old is a rare bird.

[rosie76]

You poor thing. One of my best friends is in a grueling PhD student and rarely meets any men outside of school. She's 29 and, like you, wants babies in a few years. The guys she's dated recently have been younger than she, and they've gotten on her nerves, ultimately.

 

Anyway, elegibility aside, maybe he's not worth the effort? A marriage-minded twenty-two year old is a rare bird.

 

Well put, and so true! Nice to have met someone vaguely fanciable for a change, but my guess is it's a non-starter.

 

Cheers for the laugh.

[rosie76]

So 8 year age difference and you simpley attend the same school.

No problems that I can forsee.

But you say you don't even want to date this man anyway so whats the big deal?

 

Nope, he attends the school, I work here as a fully fledged Dr. of my subject and part of my job is supervising people in his year (though in an - only slightly - different subject). No big deal, just curious if this would be considered a no-no by the knowledgeable folks here on ENA, which it apparently isn't. Cheers for all your comments, guys.