Pregnant by a Married Man

[Juliana]

As you read these responses, look at the variety of things you have said to describe your life, and your feelings. You want a ring, you anticipate that he will leave his wife, and you feel that this is a polygamous marriage of some kind. You obviously fully despise his wife. This is the voice of "the other woman;" jealous, lonely, insecure. We all know those feelings.

 

You now say that you are in a sexual, lesbian relationship, and that what you have with him is a business arrangement. This is the voice of a lesbian woman who is cooly detached from the emotional relationships of heterosexuals.

 

My dear, I say this with all the empathy I can muster, and no sarcasm at all: You are going insane. I don't mean "insane=frustrated." I mean, actually madhouse, crazy, insane. You are exhibiting cognitive dissonance, the attempt to hold two entirely opposing views at the same time. This happens to everyone at some point, but the depth of the conflict, and the stress you are under, makes this very dangerous for you, and it shows in all your responses.

 

Simply put, are you in love with this man? That is the question that will resolve your cognitive dissonance. Answer that, and you will know which reality is true.

 

Unfortunately, there are losses involved no matter which answer you make. But you must answer it. Or I assure you, and I do know what I'm talking about, you are going to lose your mind.

 

Might I add, as well, that it makes no difference that you see him leaving his wife in the future. The problem is, he hasn't given any indication that he sees that happening. For the time being, at least, he prefers her to you. You should see a lawyer and get something drawn up guaranteeing your child some income from him in the future. Do not stop working. You say you expect him to leave his wife, and that you do not want to go through the pregnancy without a ring -- well, that gives him six months. How's it looking so far?

 

You need to deal with reality, right now, both the reality of what's physically happening, and the emotional reality of your feelings.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you are simply trying to procreate why does his relationship with his wife matter so much? Business partners don't involve spouses.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There is always a possibility that once your child is born, he will sue for custody so that he and his WIFE can raise this child, on the grounds that they can provide a more stable and loving home and financial support. And in some very conservative states and countries, you living in a lesbian relationship could work against you for custody issues. not fair, but the way it is.

 

Has this thought occurred to you, that you might be an unintentional surrogate mother who will eventually have to surrender the child when the father sues for custody?

 

The man you are involved with is a liar and a cheater, and has already told you he is not going to leave his wife. If she is so terrible, they haven't been together long, and there are no children there, then he is staying with her because he WANTS to be with her, and perfers her to you.

 

Please try to step outside the fantasy that he is a good guy, the wife is an evil troll, and everything will end up the way you want... at a minimum this is a very messed up situation for your child to be born into. please get some counseling and straighten out your life for your child's sake, and have a lawyer's number on tap, you will probably need it.

[PregnantLesbian]

I did not ask to be judged by all of you. I simply stated my case and asked for advice. Obviously my situation is complicated and unconventional, and as I like to call it "Outside of the Box". It was clearly a mistake asking straight people for advice on a lesbian/hetero relationship.

 

You all seem incapable of understanding the fact that my relationship was not, is not and will never be, seen as "morally correct" in many people eyes. Thus the reason for my posting the tread in the first place. I see now, this was the wrong venue to choose, Most of you are too caught up in the circumstances of my relationship, how his wife feels, and how much of a creep this guy is, to give me sound advice for the sake of my child. Next time I want biased, emotionallyt fuled advice, I'll be sure to come here. My situation carries with it enough emotion given the parties involed. I'm looking for un-biased, un-emotionally attached advice. It's like you all don't think I've already considered everything you've said. I'm not crazy, I know about the real world. In the real world this is my life. I know about the judgement and the hate my situation causes. I didn't ask for that. I asked for sound advice.

[shellshocked]

Looking over the responses you've received, PL, it looks to me like

you HAVE gotten some good/sound advice.

Most, if not all, of the posters suggested that you contact an attorney on

this matter, which I believe is the soundest advise you can get.

 

From what you've written I can also understand how your situation can be confusing to people. One minute I hear you saying things suggesting that you want some type of relationship with this man...and the next you're saying that it was just a business deal.

 

Also, for some reason, you think you can get different responses/answers to your questions based on someone's sexual orientation. And for some reason you also assume that everyone that responded to you is "straight".

 

*waves hand and shows you my lesbian membership card*

 

Yes, PL, I am a lesbian.

Yes, I have lesbian friends who have had babies with their lesbian

partners using either donor insemination or jointly conceiving a baby

with a trusted male that she and her partner both chose.

Yes, I have friends who are in TRUE poly relationships and they

are NOTHING like the relationship you are describing.

 

So again....to answer your question and to reiterate my first post to you.

 

I believe that you should contact a lawyer.

THIS is the best (and only) way you can be SURE to do

what's right for your baby now....and for her/his future.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't believe people are at issue with the fact that you are a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship. The issues people are having problems with are the following:

a) the man is married and being disloyal to his wife

b) you are saying vicious things about his wife when it is really your behaviour that is morally questionable (having a relationship with a married man).

c) your conflicting statements as to the nature of your relationship with this man (want him to leave his wife and be with you....vs business arrangement)

d) your extreme sense of entitlement and lack of concern for others.

 

Perhaps there are other people in this world who think and behave as you do and you will find the emotional support from them with no judgements. The sound advice is simply to go get a lawyer...that's it. What else is there to say?