Another challenge

[drum4god]

Last night after band practice, my friend and I had a good chat. We were talking about the band, but then I starting to talk about my situation with my ex. It was good, but he said something to me that really hit me. He said "O.K, she didn't treat you right and you are hurting, but what are you doing about your life". It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize the past 2 weeks I have been obsessing over this girl, and she isn't even with me. He told me you can't walk around like a victim anymore. You can't give her any power. You have to get your life back. He told me the band is going to be busy this summer, and he needs me to be myself, but more importantly he wants me to be myself for me.

 

I have to admit the past week I have been pathetic. Moping around, not talking to anyone, thinking that I will never find love, and that my ex is so happy without me. It was probably the most unproductive week of my life, and this is over a woman who didn't treat me good.

 

Anyway, my friend gave me a combat plan, and I believe it will also help those here. Especially those who are employing SuperDave's NC Challenge.

 

Well here it is. First of all, for today do not talk about your ex. That means if you usually find yourself talking to your friends or family about them. Do not do it today. It may be hard, but it will be healthy. Focus on yourself, your job, your hobbies, your faith, and even other people. We have to realize there are other people besides ourselve that may be hurting. Taking time to focus on helping them will take your mind off yourself.

 

Now for the plan. Find about 5 things you really want to do. For instance here is what I want.

 

1. Become a better drummer

2. Learn Spanish

3. Get a betty body

4. Learn Guitar

5. Become better with my finances ie investing, getting out of debt.

6. Read the bible more

 

My friend asked me what do I do when I get home from work. I realize how much time I waste either on the phone, or the interenet, watching TV. I get home at 6 and usually go to bed at midnight.

 

He suggested that if I can devoted just a half hour a day to a few of the things I want to do it will do wonders for my confidence, help me forget about my ex, and more importantly it will help you achieve some of my goals, and dreams.

 

Here is my plan for tonight.

 

Get home from work about 6.

 

6 o clock - Work out

7 eat something

8 - Spend a half hour practicing my drum pad

8:30 - Start my online Spanish course (I started it way back in September but stopped)

9:00 - Read my bible

9:30 - 12:00

 

Now, I understand everyone's schedule is different, and there are time where you may not be able to do any of these things, but if you can at least commit to this a few times a week I think it will make a big difference.

 

People we need to get our lives back. We can't give our ex;s power anymore. They hurt us enough. Sitting home crying, moping will not get them back. Let's not waste anymore time. Get busy with your lives. You had a live before your ex's, and you have one now. I realize getting busy will not be the cure all. There will be times of sadness, frustration, and you may need to talk to friends, family and even come here. However, we can't let it consume us. We can't let those feelings rob us.

 

Like I said the past week I was pathetic. I didn't do anything, but mope and walk around like it was the end of the world, and what did it do for me. It made me feel worse. It made me feel hopeless. I put this women on a pedestal and it made me feel inadequate. Well, from now on she is coming down.

 

People we have to realize we are the prize, not them. Now, lets put some legs on that, and becoming the prize. Becoming the prize is not being the best looking person, wealthiest, or funniest. Its about being the best you, you can be. Being confident, and comfortable in your own skin despite your imperfections. It will not happen overnight, but it will never happen if you walk around like a victim, and wallow in self pity. Be commited to yourself. A better you will attract a better mate for you.

 

God Bless!

[samross]

Hang in there, man. I'm in the same boat going down what sounds like the same river. I posted the results of seeing my ex at band practice last night. It was painful but hey I'm alive, sitting here the next day typing this out. Life does go on. Next time hopefully will be a little less painful, and the next even more... Your suggestions are great ideas. I've decided to focus on ME for a while. Not to the point of being mean to her - - just take care of ME. Play more guitar, write more music, work out, read - - just for ME. Learn something new. I've been trying to learn the piano. Slow progress but I've noticed if I totally immerse myself in it I forget everything else for a while. The guitar has always had that effect on me. I started out on drums in high school so music had always been there for me. Like a dog that is always there for me. For ME...

[AllTornUp]

Right on! Here's my list:

 

1) Spend more quality time with my kids

2) Excercise

3) Fix up the house

4) Take up a hobby, I think I will see if photography is my thing

5) Take a college or adult education class in something I'm interested in

[Lady Bugg]

Hiya D4G.....I think this was an awesome and inspiring post.

I like the timeline thing......and really a half hour is NOT that much..so it is very doable.

 

I am trying to think of a way to change my routine as wel.

It's easy to become complacent with pain, isn't it?

It almost feels normal after a while...and THAT is a very bad rut to get stuck in.

 

I think your friend gave you some great advice....thanks for sharing it with us

[SuperDave71]

D4G,

 

 

I like this idea as well... here is my list.

 

 

1. Start that SuperModeling career

2. By Microsoft for a Bazillion dollars

3. Learn the Lambada "The forbidden dance"

4. Become an "Iron Chef" and BEAT Bobby Flay

5. Go to FLA and teach Keefy guitar.

 

 

 

On a serious note, D4G...isn't it amazing when you ALREADY knew inside yourself all covered up with sadness that the "TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Lady Bugg]

LMAO SD.....that's quite a list there. Lambada huh????

[SuperDave71]

Lady,

 

 

The lambada is the forbidden dance....so why not...I already know how to Salsa!! WOO HOOO!!!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[drum4god]

D4G,

 

 

I like this idea as well... here is my list.

 

 

1. Start that SuperModeling career

2. By Microsoft for a Bazillion dollars

3. Learn the Lambada "The forbidden dance"

4. Become an "Iron Chef" and BEAT Bobby Flay

5. Go to FLA and teach Keefy guitar.

 

 

 

On a serious note, D4G...isn't it amazing when you ALREADY knew inside yourself all covered up with sadness that the "TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Yes, you are so correct Dave. I definitely owe alot to you. God used you to help me see things for what they are. The truth is despite what my feelings tell me, things are not that bad. Things will get better. Now I need to put things in motion to make all my dream a reality.

 

So about that modeling career, I am expecting you to send an autographed copy of GQ magazine when you make it. LOL

[Lady Bugg]

Hmmmm....why not strive to be a stunt double for porn movies Dave? LMAO

[Biffy]

Impressive stuff Drum, good for you.

 

I think having your evening structured like that is really helpful in the beginning - having a specific guideline to stick to.

[SuperDave71]

Lady,

 

*sigh* I did but they said I was too...um...er.....Well, let's just say I have a "world record".

 

 

KA Pow!

 

 

 

HA HA HA HA

 

 

 

D4G,

 

You don't owe me ANY credit whatsoever....God send people to help one another and you would have done the sasme thing for me...so thank you but NO credit is necessary.

 

 

You are going to be fine and end up shining when you pop out on the other side..

 

 

Keep the faith!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[tribecagirl]

Drum!

This is great! You're so right about this! Not talking about the ex amymore with friends or family has helped me out. I believe it's the one single thing that helped me get over the hump. If one of my friends mentions something and they question me about it, I tell them quickly that I don't want to discuss the ex anymore and I move on to another topic. So they know not to bring it up anymore. He is no longer up for discussion.

 

Here's what I plan to do...

1) Get a closer relationship with God

2) Grow the businesses I'm involved with further

3) By my first home

4) Have more fun in life

5) OUTBID SUPERDAVE ON BUYING MICROSOFT FOR A TRILLION JILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hang tough, Drum! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!!!!

 

Tribecagirl!

[drum4god]

Hiya D4G.....I think this was an awesome and inspiring post.

I like the timeline thing......and really a half hour is NOT that much..so it is very doable.

 

I am trying to think of a way to change my routine as wel.

It's easy to become complacent with pain, isn't it?

It almost feels normal after a while...and THAT is a very bad rut to get stuck in.

 

I think your friend gave you some great advice....thanks for sharing it with us

 

 

Lady you are so right about getting complacent with pain. Its as if we feel we deserve it, and in someways that belief affects the partners we choose. For myself, I realize most of the women I have fell in love with, were cold, indifferent and selfish. These are very things that are like cypotnite to me. It as if I subconsiously believe I deserve these things and seek partners with those traits. I am no psycologist, but I believe a lot has to do with being abandoned by my Mother and Father as a child. I was raised by my Grandparents. Though they did a great job, and I have a great relationship with my Mom, I am sure it affects my relationships in some way.

 

Now its in the open, and I will let God heal me, and choose the right type of women. If I am kind, warm and giving, why should I not expect that back.

 

Anyway, I hope this challenge can help you guys. I know it will help me.

[harmonious]

This is a really good challenge. It's been two weeks since my ex broke up with me, and I'm still walking around dazed and mopey all day. It's hard because I'm on winter break and staying with my parents in a small town with not much to distract me, but when I get back to college this weekend I'm going to really try to work on putting my life back together.

 

My goals:

 

1. continue the dance classes I started last semester.

2. do more creative writing.

3. read more books.

4. spend more time doing things with friends.

5. apply for (and hopefully obtain!) an internship.

[Scout]

Hi, drum4God...I'm glad to see you're thinking about goals. The one thing I would suggest is you don't set yourself up for failure by thinking you have to accomplish all of them at once, or work on all of them at once, every single day. Or you will get burned out.

 

One thing that works for me sometimes is to set weekly lists, instead of daily. For example, you could say "study Spanish at least two hours this week."

 

Just my two cents, because like you, once I get those feelings of motivation, I tend to dive right in and set a lot of objectives for myself. However, I rarely get them accomplished if I set them to a daily schedule, it's just too much.

[annie24]

hey drum - what a great post! I am glad you are taking positive steps to improve yourself, that is wonderful, and a better way to pass the time than to mope over the ex! I know you will be successful in your goals, so stay at it. Yes, you will find love again and the new woman will wonder what kind of a dingbat let you slip away!

[drum4god]

Bump,

 

I did this last night, and was pretty sucessful. I went to the gym for about 1/2 hour. I cleaned up my apartment for about 1/2 (I am moving soon). I read a book about day trading for about 45 mins, and I prayed and read my bible. I can't believe how good I felt. I am not going to lie, there were a few moments I was thinking of her, but for the most part I felt alot better than I did the night before.

 

Tonight I will go to church (we have Wednesday services), and there is a chance I will see her, but I am not going to worry about it. I am strong, and confident. I will do everything in my power to project this. If I start to believe she missed out instead of me, I know I will feel better. But lets see the test will be tonight. I think I will be strong. I believe in me.

 

For those who employed this plan, let me know how it went for you.

[samross]

Drum4God:

Did you go to your party last night? If so how did it go?

[drum4god]

Drum4God:

Did you go to your party last night? If so how did it go?

 

No its this Friday. I am still unsure If I will attend, but I probably will. I will keep you posted. Thanks for asking.

[AllTornUp]

Its as if we feel we deserve it, and in someways that belief affects the partners we choose. For myself, I realize most of the women I have fell in love with, were cold, indifferent and selfish. These are very things that are like cypotnite to me. It as if I subconsiously believe I deserve these things and seek partners with those traits. I am no psycologist, but I believe a lot has to do with being abandoned by my Mother and Father as a child.

 

I can totally relate! My mother abandoned me when I was 5. So I get involved with women that are emotionally distant and it kills me.

[LLammas]

Awesome idea, d4g! I'll make it a point to try not to talk about the ex with friends today (may be rough since I've only just broken the news to everyone that our relationship is over).

 

Here's my 5 goals:

1. Work on a better body

2. Raise my grades

3. Start applying for internships

4. Become more sociable- start going out with old friends as well as making new ones.

5. Pick up guitar playing again

 

Even if I don't meet all these goals, working on them will help me maintain NC.

[drum4god]

I really didn't do much yesterday. I went to church, and she wasn't there. Its strange, she must be avoiding me. She usually attends on Wednesday, but this is 3 straight weeks she wasn't there. Anyway, I felt pretty good, but driving home I started to worry about her. It was strange, I had the feeling that she was actually regretting dumping me, and that she was really sad. Perhaps that was wishful thinking, because I have no evidence that is the case, but it was a real strong feeling that came over me. I really have to be careful not to let thoughts like that to get my hopes up. I have to focus on myself, so back to the plan. Here are some things I am going to do tonight.

 

Workout

Practice drum pad for half hour

Clean apartment (geesh its a mess)

Call a friend

Pray and read the bible.

 

Just curious, has this helped anyone. If it has, share it. If you haven't employed this plan, try it for a day, and see if it helps. This along with SuperDave's NC Challenge will make you (with a strong Russian accent) Strrrrrong like booull.

[SuperDave71]

D4G,

 

 

You can call me anyday my friend if you are feeling down!

 

 

I will PM the number.

 

 

I am proud of you! I really am. I know this is extremely tough and you can't help thinking about her...BUT you are slowly realizing that you have to let go to find yourself.

 

Alot of times...people do not realize "WE" are just below the surface of what we have become.

 

Jesus once said .."You must throw away your old wineskin"....

 

You are a man of God and I know you know what he was referring to.

 

 

I wish you the strength and faith to conrtinue what you are doing.

 

Kepp posting so we can check your progress.

 

 

 

Take care my friend,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[samross]

drum4God:

 

I do the same thing. I get a thought in my mind like - it's a beautiful day - I bet if I call her everything will be OK - and then reality sets in. I've been ready my Bible as well. Job, psalms, proverbs. It's all there. Nothing new under the sun. I'm struggling with not getting many responses to my postings but I guess there's only so much can be said about a situation.

 

I know your pain...

[littlebylittle]

I think this is a great idea.

 

I was dumped at the start of December and did the usual self-pity, drinking, staring into space, feeling sorry for myself etc etc. After hitting rock bottom I stood up and said to myself "you are worth more than this. You need to work on yourself and becoming the best person you can". I did what you are just starting to do, I set myself an initial 30 days (project happy) where I focused on me and my own development.

 

I think your idea is fantastic. I'm 3 weeks into my own plan and thought I could add a little value with some things that worked well and some less well.

 

1 - Set yourself an initial period to focus on, this seems to make it more realistic and achievable

2 - As others have said, do everything you can to stop discussing your ex with friends and family...it's incredibly hard to do but is worth it

3 - Reduce contact to a minimum, or stop altogether(preferable). I'm unforunate in that I work with my ex so it's pretty impossible for me to have no contact

4 - Excersize is essential. However little you do it improves your perspective almost immediately. It really is good for your self esteem AND mental strength

5 - It's incredibly hard but remove reminders of your ex from around you, I finally did that last night and it was perhaps the hardest day so far, but it really is essential. It WILL break your heart initially but will help you move on

6 - Eat sensibly - you may have no appetite at all but force yourself to eat healthily. This is essential to keep your spirits up, not eating will in itself make you depressed

7 - When setting goals use the following acronym - SMART - to ensure that the goals aren't just going to become 'something I was going to do but didn't manage'. Smart stands for Specific, Measurable, Agree, Realistic, Timely. If you can do those things then your chances of achieving your goals are much higher

8 - Others have said it in previous posts, but I think it's essential to do a little at a time, don't try and achieve everything at once. Even a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Sometimes it's hard to get started on anything if you have too many things going on. Just do one small thing to get you going and soon enough you'll have the momentum to add more goals

9 - Go on a negativity fast - everytime you find yourself having a negative thought try and change it. This is incredibly hard but is possible. Sure, you'll have negative thoughts but simply accept them and reframe them in a more positive manner. e.g. "why didn't I do X, then she'd still be with me" becomes "I've learnt a valuable lesson that has made me a stronger person". The negativity should be removed from all areas of your life, not just about your ex. you'll be amazed at how hard this is, but also how rewarding it is

10 - Smile. It sounds silly, but find a happy memory (not involving the ex of course) and put yourself back in that time, immerse yourself in the memory and then smile. Smile at people wherever you go, you'll be surprised at how many smile back and the positive effect it has on your morale

 

Hope that's of some use.

 

Be happy guys.