generalelectric Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Hi everyone. I have been reading posts for a while now, but this is my first time posting. It seems that everyone gives wonderful feedback on this site so I am hoping to get some advice for my own situation...My husband and I have been together 12 years, 7 married. We have been through very tough situations but it would take a bit of time and space so I am going to jump to the present situation. Just to give a little history though...Over the past few months my husband and I found out that he has a very poor sperm count and although we conceived once (miscarried) he probably would not be able to conceive again naturally. We went to a few appts about IVF to conceive; the day before we were to go to the doctor to fianlize plans, he fought with me about the moral issues regarding IVF (this was just his excuse but was BS). He then left and did not come home for a few days. A friend went to pick him up at a hotel after my husband called and begged me for help. He relapses on cocaine and alcohol. Had been in and out of recovery for about four years. He relapsed continued every couple of weeks after that night he first left in November. He left and did not return for Thankgiving. He left Christmas Eve when I was on my way to visit family and did not come back until the day after Christmas, even though he said he would come to see my family for Christmas. He excuse was that I left C-eve and he just left then too. Ultimately, he began so see his therapist again and came to the conclusion that he wanted to separate temporarily. Due to finances and a large mortgage he went to my mom's second house where she does not visit often. So here comes the double whammy...his cell phone bill showed obsessive calling and texting to another woman's number. I left him a message saying my heart was broken and that I found out he was having an affair and that the time had come for us to discuss detais and finance issues. My mother was infuriated and went to ask him to leave her house. He did politely and let her know he was the only one there the whole time (prob visiting his girlfriend in her apt I'm sure). He also told her he needed to talk with me about the situation and was going to come talk. Well-he never came and is now staying at his parents. I am sick to my stomach. Couldn;t even go to work today. Besides taking it one day at a time like everyone tells me to do I don;t know what to do. Do I just wait for me to come back to our house and give me closure? Do I file for divorce first? SOme people tell me I should call or show up at his parents and demand that he give me an explanation to my face. But that doesn;t feel dignified. Other people tell me i should fight for him and keep asking him to come home and get counseling but from the advice I've already read on this forum, I don;t think that would change his mind. Any help would be so very appreciated... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeffrey2095 Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Hello alivejp, I wonder if your financial troubles, (and maybe his sperm count) have something to do with his drug use. It sounds like things are on a slippery slope, and you have made up your mind to separate. Maybe that is a keyword: "separate". Do you think that maybe some time in a separation would help or hinder your relationship? The girlfriend situation seems to be the worst of it to me, I'm sure it is difficult for you and I sympathize. It would be hard to help and support him when he is away with her. My gut instinct is for you to lay down the law and separate until there are some profound changes on his part, maybe in lewe of impending divorce... sorry. Good luck and best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 alivejp, Welcome to eNotAlone. I read your post and first of all I am so sorry that you are going thru this. My advice is based on facts.... Facts: 1) He has a history of Cocaine and alcohol abuse 2.) He left and did not show up on Thanksgiving NOR Christmas 3.) He lied to you and your mother 4.) He is possibly having an affair based on the evidence of his phone bill. 5.) Has asked for a separation With these layed out..You must decide what your tolerance is and what your boundries are. Without boundries you will wait forever for someone who possibly cannot help themself. I suggest one of two things 1.) Stand up for you, your marraige and your husband. Ask him if he believes in you and the marriage..he needs to get help. NO EXCEPTIONS. and stop having a possible affair. 2.) Tell him you are through with is selfish ways and that you cannot go on living with him. Words to change are ONLY WORDS. Whatever you do...BACK IT UP! Stand firm..... I know its hard but Tough love can be hard BUT Worth it in the end... Whether the lesson is for you....or your husband...something HAS TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. i wish you the best and good luck Your friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 In my experience, working out your problems is not best served by seperating. This guy has the separate issue of addiction, which needs to be addressed first. If he is not clean and sober, he cannot make decisions that may alter the outcome of his life. The fact that he cheated in addition to repeated relapses recently has me thinking that this marriage is not a priority for him right now. Do you think that IF he came around and wanted to work things out, that you would honestly be able to forgive him for the cheating? What about the drug abuse? Is that something that you are prepared to handle, especially if he is not interested in recovery at this time? Is he a good candidate for a parent, honestly, with the drug addiction and relapses? What is he were to come back and admit that he doesn't want a child after all? Are you willing to give that up? Some pretty heavy questions. I'm not saying file for divorce right now, but definitely give these questions some thought and see what you come up with. I do think that we as humans can only withstand a finite number of insults like this before it is in our best interests to remove ourselves from an unhealthy situation.... but it has to be up to you what you want to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thank you for your responses so far. Hope 75. Many of your questions "hit home" with me...I do not think marriage is a priority for him and it hurts sooo much to know he is giving time to this other woman. I also found out that he was looking for apartments. He has not come home in two weeks so I have not had the chance to even approach him about anything at all...It seems that he has made up his mind to move on. And truthfully I probably could not forgive him for these past few months nor do I respect him. I think it is more the fear of being alone and the memories of our good time that makes me want to beg him to come home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bethany Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Don't beg a man like that to come home, he should be begging you. Hold your head high here, be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_chppr Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I agree with Hope's questions to reflect on. I also agree with Bethany. Finances tight, could it be from drug use and abuse or are they really tight. How much of your joint money is being spent on this other woman, because you obviously are paying the cell phone bill. I think on another thread a poster had said in a similar situation. A guy like that would have to be an incredible lover to put you through the hell he is dragging you through. But there are men out there that are incredible lovers that aren't on drugs and are committed to those that they love. Think of your survival. You don't know that the alleged affair is his only one. And when you have sex with him, you don't know how recent he has had sex with whomever and if he has an STD or not. You would have to have him take a weekly STD test to trust him. In fact, I would make a doctor's appointment to have yourself checked. Feel the agony and embarrasment and fear of the results and realize what the cause was... If you knew of the affair and still slept with him then their is blame on both sides, but if you didn't know all this was going on and you slept with him. HE has endangered your life! Lying is one thing, but infidelity.... you must be in so much pain right now. I say this hypocritically; I need to take my own advice. I need to go get checked. I want to believe Miss X has not cheated on me, but I feel cheated on. I want to know for sure, but I'm scared. You need to spend time on you. You have spent a lot of energy trying to take care of him. A miscarriage, I can only imagine the pain that must have caused you and the guilt he must have felt. It could be possible that he is screwing around because he knows his sperm are too week to get anyone pregnant. Maybe his drug use contributed to your miscarriage, i.e. "doped sperm." I don't think he owes you any explanation. It is your decision, and I think you should reflect on Hopes questions above, but I think all you owe him are some papers. Work on discovering who you are, how have you gotten entangled in this hurtful relationship. How have you encouraged or discouraged his behavior. How have you convinced yourself that this is the life you deserve. I think the tendency is to blame here. He cheated he left he's an addict, he's a looser, but the issue here is to not be vindictive, that gives him power. He can say down the road that my wife was a vicious ***** (I coded them for the moderator). And then you feed the viciousness to one another. He is imperfect and so are you. How do you use what you have been through to become a better person. You are not just developing an idea of who you want to be with, but who YOU want to be. Take Care, mike_chppr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thank you for your responses so far. Hope 75. Many of your questions "hit home" with me...I do not think marriage is a priority for him and it hurts sooo much to know he is giving time to this other woman. I also found out that he was looking for apartments. He has not come home in two weeks so I have not had the chance to even approach him about anything at all...It seems that he has made up his mind to move on. And truthfully I probably could not forgive him for these past few months nor do I respect him. I think it is more the fear of being alone and the memories of our good time that makes me want to beg him to come home. alivejp, I think this is a very honest response, and probably not an easy one to admit to. It would indeed be very hard to move forward in this relationship even if your husband did decide to get clean, if you felt you could no longer trust or respect him. You were together a long time, and it is easy to fall back on good times to justify staying in a relationship that may no longer be good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 You have lots going on here, but don't be distracted by any of it when it comes to recognizing that he has a substance abuse problem, and is willing to live off your mother/you etc. Your mother has the right idea, in that he is willing to take all the perks of being married to you (and your mother's hospitality), while going off cheating etc. You should NOT try to bring a child into a home with a person with both substance problems AND infidelity problems... If you want to try to explore whether the marriage is worth saving, i suggest that you demand he go to a marriage counselor with you... but really, please protect yourself first if he is cheating and using drugs... that can bring a whole range of life threatening STDs, and he may just try to play on your sympathies for his infertility etc., while being totally self-indulgent and using you and your mother to get the life he wants... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Thank you all so very much. Your responses are so on target and I know it because my gut tells me so as I read them. mikechppr: I never knew he was having an affair my mother actually asked me a few weeks ago. I said "No Way" because I never thought that would happen to me. I could never have had sex with him knowing that. I also know that I need to look at my issues and will be going to see a therapist. My drive is knowing that I have to be happy with me before I have a healthy relationship with a healthy person. I definitely wouldn't want to find myself in the same mess with someone else years from now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_chppr Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 alivejp, that is the spirt! I don't want to undersore the pain you are feeling. A therapist can help you immensely. But you are on track to a healthy recovery. Yay for you. mike_chppr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 I was feeling much better last night but this morning was really bad. I keep having these panic attacks. And this morning I really missed my husband, the good part of him I once knew. God when will I stop feeling sick to my stomach? It doesn' help that he hasn't come to confront me in two weeks, I am living in our home with his items all over,...do I put them in boxes even though he hasn't come home to formally tell me he isn't ever going to come home? As far as the grapevine has told me he is looking for apartments...This is awful... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff777 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 He needs to go to a rehab to get his life back in order. Its time for him to work on his issues. Back off (tell him the real deal of how you want things) and see if he is willing to do the hard work of getting help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike_chppr Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 alivejp, Panic Attacks are scary, you are going through tons of anxiety right now and these attacts although intense and disorienting, will go away. Realize that they are a normal process of the worrying and anxiety that you are experiencing right now and that you don't need to fear them, but sit down relax, cry and think about them. I can't recoomend the book I'm reading enough. link removed Take care of yourself, make sure you are eating and bathing and pamper yourself. You will be OK, you will get through this. Realize it isn't easy, but you deserve so much more than this. Peace be with you, mike_chppr 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radioheader Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 you sound like you are heading in the right direction with your response above...there is really too much going on with him to actually deal with it and try to make sense of it all....the first thing would be he would have to be clean b/f you could even start to address any issues. i say take care of yourself...get into therapy (it helps...husabnd has cheated on me and i've made it thru!) there is a book called love must be tough by jame dobson if you care to pick up something from your library...i found it helpful...i can sense you are going to make it thru this and end up much better...you don't deserve all this..you deserve happiness...hang in there! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 Thank you all. Everyone in my life tells me I am doing so well and I will move on, but I feel like I'm gonna die. radioheader-Two responders recommended that book so i am visiting Barnes and Noble tomorrow, its one o fmy favorite places anyway. You said your husband cheated too..I know that its different for everyone...but when does the gut wrenching crying stop? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hi Alive, Does your husband have family that you are close with? Maybe you can just put a call in to see if he has talked to them. If he has, than you sort of have your answer, "He's just not coming home but at least he is OK", vs. if he has talked to no one then I might be a bit concerned with his drug and alcohol abuse that something has happened to him. I think you mentioned he's taken off for a day or two at a time, but 2 weeks is a long time with no word- even if it is just to confirm that you are over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa1sttime Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Can you forgive him? I left my husband of 10 years of togetherness, 5 years married. He did not cheat but hurt me in other ways, verbally and physically. The last incident occurred on Nov 19th, 2006...we were in the same home the entire time, not sleeping together, not having sex, just communicating for the sake of our 5 year old daughter. All the while I contemplated forgiving him. He tried to get me to come around, but I just couldn't. What kind of woman would I be? What is my threshold for pain? They say once they do it, it will keep happeneing, for me it was the abuse, this was the third time he had struck me ..for you, the infidelity. Men will continue the same pattern because they see we do not do anything. it took me 10 years to leave my husband. Oh, I tried the counseling tidbit or tried to get him to go, he said, I had the problem..I needed to get 'over it.' I was disrupting the flow of our family. I was the problem. I moved out of our home Jan 5th, 2007. Was he surprised! He does not know where I live and he is trying everything under the sun to get me to come home. I refuse. I spoke to him yesterday regarding my daughter, he told me he had quit drinking and smokign and was in counseling I told him, " I'm happy for you, I told you you were always stronger than that stuff." He wants me back. But what is my guarantee 5 months down the line it isn;t the same * * * * different day..there is none.... Move on. It has been different, a new apartment, just me and my daughter. What you need to do is concentrate on you, take care of you. Respect yourself. It took me a very long time to realize this, but no one deserves to put up with * * * *....No One! You neither. If he doesn't care enough to explain himself to you, then your realtionship is not what you thought it was, like mine. It took me the final step of ending my marriage to get him to realize his mistake..No, I'd rather not teach men how to be better men, but I am worth more than that pain. If my mom gave me any kind of good advice in my life, it was, " You get what you settle for." Good Luck Melissa 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radioheader Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Thank you all. Everyone in my life tells me I am doing so well and I will move on, but I feel like I'm gonna die. radioheader-Two responders recommended that book so i am visiting Barnes and Noble tomorrow, its one o fmy favorite places anyway. You said your husband cheated too..I know that its different for everyone...but when does the gut wrenching crying stop? the emotions came in waves for me...at first i was relieved b/c my suspicions were confirmed..then i had to deal with the reality of it all...he moved out for 6 months and then he started to make amends and got to work at salvaging our relationship...we have been in counseling for over a year both together and separatley....that really helped! but back to the emotions...after the first month, i got in a comfortable routine of being by myself but i had 2 kids to keep me busy...and a great girlfriend and sister who listened...the first month was the hardest...i'm glad you are getting that book...and look for others too...i think i have read about 10 books on infidelity and they all have something to share...stay strong and let those emotions out when you need to...you will be able to move on with time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hope 75-I know right now he is safe. He was staying in my mother's second home but she paid him a visit and told him to leave since we found out he had been obsessively contacting this other woman. He told her he was leaving to go stay with his parents and then come and talk to me about the situation. Well, it has been three days and he never even came to explain himself. He is such a coward. His actions are screaming that he is incapable of caring right now. As for me I went back to work today. It was hard but okay. People are supportive and I'm good at what I do so that helps my self esteem. Still can't believe he chose someone else over me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radioheader Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 alivejp...how are you doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Not sure if the protocol is to start a new thread or keep adding to the old one? Anyway, here is where I am at-Husband called last night to tell me that the hundreds of calls with this other girl mean nothing. He said they met in class (He's back in school) and she was understanding of the issues he has bee having in his life. He said there was no physical contact and he is not attracted to her. I believe him. Am I an idiot? Today, I had to call him (I have not made the initiative to do that so I figured just this once...) and I asked if he was "in love with her." His exact words were "with me and her, there is nothing. I thought I made that clear." Why do I believe him? He also told me he was getting an apartment b/c he does not like being in his parents home and he still wants time apart. I know with his history of addiction, immaturity, and current rejection of me I should be moving forward to figure out my own feelings. BUT I miss him? And hearing his voice was sooo hard. Am I crazy to think he just may get himself together and try again wiht me? Am I crazy for even wanting to try again. He said if he came home now we would go back the same thing in a day and if we do get back together so much needs to change. When I thought for sure he was cheating it was easier for me, now I just feel all torn apart again. Has anyone ever hired a private investigator? For now I am breathing deeply and relaxing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelergal Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Alivejp... Our situations are very similar and I wanted to respond to your most recent post. I was in the exact same place as you only two weeks ago. The things your husband is saying about the "other woman" are the exact things that my husband was saying to me. I am an emotional wreck right now and I'm completely depressed so I am probably not the best person to be giving advice but I can at least share my experiences. First of all, it sounds like your husband has at least been having an emotional affair. My husband started out doing the same thing. No matter what they say, this is WRONG. He should not be going outside the marriage in secret for support and for someone to confide in. He should only be coming to you. No matter how much he insists that it is innocent, there is a bond being formed there. After I found the cell phone bill with the hundreds of phone calls, my husband kept using the just friends, not in love, etc. excuses. I foolishly kept holding onto hope and tried to believe him. BUT I hired a PI in the meantime and I am so glad that I did. No matter how painful it has been, that PI was worth every penny as I was able to catch him in his lies and find out the truth. He was actually on the phone with me, talking about reconciliation, insisting that NOTHING physical had ever happened with the skank....and the PI followed him to the apartment they are living in together and got pictures of them kissing passionately in the parking lot!!! He was trying to live a double life or something. He is just sick....trying to keep me hanging on but pursuing things with her as well. I have no idea why he was doing that. I felt like a complete idiot for starting to believe him. But everything he said to me sounds just like what your husband is saying...especially about needing "space" and looking for his own place. So I would not believe a word of it if I were you even though it is so hard I know. He has betrayed you already with the phone calls. Once that line is crossed it is easy to keep going. He does not sound committed to you. And, yeah, mine tried to convince me with the fact that he is going to counseling to help himself. For all I know, he is lying to the counselor just like he has lied to me, our families, and our friends and everyone else under the sun. I don't have any answers as to what to do about the hurt and betrayal as I am struggling with that right now. I just know that I have to close the door on him and us for good. Trust your gut and your instincts. Hire a PI. And never let your guard down. Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts. I will NEVER understand how people can be so awful to someone they claimed to love and cherish for the rest of their life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generalelectric Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Steelergal-Thank you. I needed to hear every thing you just wrote. Someone had to bring me back to reality. Just curious...My husband is still depositing money into our joint account which covers much of our bills and I am living in our home. He says he is going to pay for his apartment with extra money we have each month This bothers me. But I don't know what choice I have. We can't afford our house without both of our salaries and yet how dare he use "our" money to pay for a new apartment. He says he does not want to divorce. WHAT the hell! Also, about how much was your PI? I just sent him a message something like how dare he say he has no attachment to this woman and still talk to her five x a day. I said it was a emotional affair in my eyes. I also said he was NOT to use a cent of our money on an apartment while he continues to share his feelings with this woman. I have had enough Miss Nicegirl. I am sooo infuriated I am ready to send her a message too. Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Hi Alive, Woah. Before you send this girl a message stop and think for a minute. Who are you mad at? This woman has no loyalty to you- she doesn't even know you. If your husband is in touch with her 5 times a day and having an affair- it is him you should be mad at- he is the one who vowed to be faithful to you, and to honor you- not her. Think about that before you used misplaced anger to make a bigger mess than you already have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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