Parsley Posted January 28, 2007 Share Posted January 28, 2007 I don't know...possibly? It can be really difficult to avoid everything to do with your ex, sometimes something will pop up that you completely forgot about. I'm guessing that those emails also served as a rant? The number of times I came this close --> Sorry if it sounds like I'm judging you! I'm trying to word this the best I can, but I'm quite tired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaker Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 End of Day 7, third time's a charm I've been returning to the issue of trust today (thanks for the empathy, Parsley!), and I think the result of the break-up for me is that my faith in my ex is forever broken, but this doesn't extend beyond that relationship. I still feel secure in my friends, family, and the lofty ideas I have of what the future might be like for me. What it does imply is that although I'd really thought at times I would be able to be friends with my ex at some point down the line, I now know I can't do this. I have faith in my friends that they love me unconditionally, and are in it for the long-haul, etc. I'm sad, a little, but I also feel I have a better sense of what I'm grieving. It's the rupture of one possibility, not of my whole world view. Is that an upside?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boston23 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Shaker- you're definitely echoing how i've been feeling about a lot of things. It's hard to let go of something that was really important to you. I definitely feel like I've been grieving the loss of my relationship...but still have faith in lots of other things. Parsley- Thanks for your thoughts on that. I've decided not to look at them because it's obviously because I just want to see my last connection to him. As for the emails themselves...they weren't rants at all, stangely enough. Most of the letters I've written that I never plan to send have been huge rants with things like "I hate you" and "you are spineless". But if anyone is wondering how to get back power, the answer is you definitely kill them with kindness (as corny as that is). The emails were both extremely sweet and nice and honest. The first one said, "I can't be friends with you, you broke my heart and I need to heal," etc and the second was great because it basically said that he's not ready to be friends with me and that's fine and i'll be his friend whenever he's ready (oh, and that i'm over him...not true really, obviously). hhahahhaha. I mean, I'm not ready to be friends with him at all, and he's definitely not ready to be friends with me, but it's great that it turned out this way--before he was the one consoling me and now i'm the one who's basically saying he needs to be consoled. he broke up with me and the email made me (and probably him) feel like it was the other way around. haahahhaahhaha (evil laughter) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audrey28 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 start of day 22.... time flies. i am feeling ok about things. however, i had a friend who got into a snowboarding accident. went to the hospital, saw all the sick people, and now i'm feeling that life is really short....and rethinking the past relationship.... i guess i am ok and moving on (somewhat). at the same time, i am getting more and more unsure of how i feel now about the ex.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
breeze33 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I broke NC. Day 20. I didn't answer his emails the first time. Then today I opened up Messenger and he had written me 4 times about a week ago. I missed him badly over the weekend and I couldn't help it but asked how he was but I didn't mean to send it, I accidently pressed enter. Now I have that anxiety of waiting for a response. Geez. (hitting head) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfyshoes Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Shaker, Why do i thnk my heart won't let go? Because i still love this woman. Because when i think about the good times, i melt. What do i think it's saying to me? It's saying, 'you knew this was gonna happen. You knew when she moved from lesbian siberia into a liberal city she wa gonna be faced with options and a freedom that she had never had before. You knew this was gonna happen because she's all the way over there and you're all the way over here. You know she needs time to live out what she wants with her new found freedom, she's never had the chance to go meet girls in bars or anywhere but online. You know that she has come back to you so many times before because she loves you too. You know that she has things she needs to work on and, just maybe, flirting and picking up girls is something she needs to do to get there. You know there's a chance that she will meet someone who will replace you. You know deep down she misses you (remember the funny little story she told you the night you broke up, after she told you she was saying goodbye forever?). You know that you cannot win whatever you do. She told you it was goodbye forever, she had to break the cycle of feeling so close to you, being so in love with you then feeling distant and hurting you. She told you it was because she cared about you and respected you too much to keep doing it to you. You know that when you look past the anger and hurt you are feeling that you believe that too." that's what my heart is telling me. it's telling me to give her the time to do what she needs to do for her. to give her time to be able to trust herself with my heart (those were her words) and that you took her back too quickly for fear of losing her altogether which is what looks like may have happened anyway. I love her. It's that simple. shoes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsley Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 aw shoes *hug* I hate that feeling. You know that you are a lot better off without this person, but you know that you still love them. When I get that wave of helplessness I find it helps when I tell myself that I cannot possibly truly love him anymore - love isn't love without trust and respect, and there's no way I trust him anymore, and how can I possibly respect someone who dumped me with an email then ignored me? Hope you're having a good day! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaker Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Shoes, This is going to sound a little weird, or silly at best. Notice how your heart's voice is defending your ex, and practically speaking for her? So, it's like your ex is occupying this big, central space in your body! No wonder letting go seems impossible. I wonder if it's possible to train your heart to say "I've loved her and now I love myself more" or "I'm the kind of heart that doesn't want to be put on hold" or "I'm so capable of such great and deep and powerful love and I want to meet a heart just like me"? By the same token, I get your desire to wait it out. And I think your sense of unconditional love is fabulous. I just wish you sent some of it your own way, too. (Sorry, it's pre-coffee for me and I'm a little goofy)! Beginning of Day 8 for myself. This is typically the hard stretch for me, and when day 15 comes around without contact, I'll be very happy because that'll mean a new personal record. I'll post before I do anything rash this time, but have also taken measures based on past slip-ups so we'll see how well I've protected myself. Feeling: good. Doing what to feel better: drinking caffeine, sleeping, excercising, housework, contacting friends Goodluck this week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parsley Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Hey Shaker Stick it out! If you ever feel like you have to write out something and want to send it, you can always send it to me on here or email if you want. I know sometimes I feel like it's all very well writing out things and not sending them, but sometimes I need someone else to read what I've written. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahhh2jz Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Good morning everyone; Day 25 NC! Looks like I'm almost there to the home stretch of the day 30 mark. The thought of "I guess she really doesn't want to come back" is starting to creep into my mind a little bit; but I keep telling myself that I am doing this NC for myself and that I am showing her that I love her by not pestering her with my presense. Moreover, I remember reading by majord23 that NC is used supposed to be used for the long haul and I will stick to it. My buddy tells me though that my ex is asking how I'm doing and all of that stuff; granted that I changed my number so I'm guessing that she's curious to see if I'm really moving on. I won't take any of these crumbs/bait and act on it; she knows that my buddy would relay the message to me. But I won't bite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boston23 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 hey everyone... Today i'm feeling really good! I feel like whatever happens will be the right thing...with my ex, with my decisions about my future, with everything. About my ex, I'm recognizing that although I really do believe that he's a really good guy, I don't think he believes it and so he acts like he's not. And right now I've absorbed the fact that I shouldn't have anything to do with him until he does realize that (and he needs to figure that out on his own). And if he never does realize that, as sad as it would be, he wouldn't be pulling me down anymore. I've got the bright future, and I'm no longer feeling bad about the fact that his life is going to the dumps right now. Yay! Oh, and I've been studying for that test that I have tomorrow, so that's good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TijuanaJones Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Hi there! Day 9 NC, take two This weekend I flew to Guadalajara, Mexico, to a cousin's college graduation. It was fun, I drank lots of tequila, I danced a lot, went sight-seeing... and missed my ex a lot. I talked a LOT about her, everybody giving me advice, but basically they all said the same: Dont contact her! At least I know Im doing the right thing. A friend told me I should concentrate on smaller goals, for example: Instead of doing 30 days of NC, have my goal set at 1 week, or if I feel Im about to cave in, then set my goal to 1 day... I feel strong enough to make it past her bday and Valentine's day (those two are a day apart from each other). I know that NC during those two days is going to have a huge impact on her. Im sure she will expect me to call her... I just hope I can get thru this. I miss her terribly, but I am trying to do something I learned yesterday: A friend told me that there is this motivational speaker named Alex Day, who says that falling in love is relatively easy, as well as falling out of love or hating someone. He says that if I want to fall out of love from someone, all I have to do is just think bad things about that person for about 3 or 4 weeks, then, the bad toughts will be implanted in my brain and I will achieve to see that person's flaws.... Im trying it, I guess that is the easiest way to get rid of her. Because, to tell you the truth, Im afraid that the memory of her will haunt me for months to come, so I want to speed up the recovery process... I think Im doing well, I just have to let go of that last trace of hope I discovered I still have in my heart... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krnelson2 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Day ?... Not sure what day it is, but for me its easier not to count. I mean am i really going to count for the rest of my life?...PRobably not. Anyway, I have been doing so well lately, I rarely think about her in terms of our relationship. It has felt really weird not talking to her though. I mean when you talk to someone so much for 5 years and then its like they have died and you can no longer talk to them. Well today I receieved a message online. Its like clockwork, about a week after I go NC she sends me a message. However this one is different. It was actually really sweet. She just wanted to say hi and see how I was and how my family has been. Then ended by saying she hopes to hear from me soon. No in the past I have cracked and responded pretty much everytime, and I feel that she is being nice in seeing how I am, but its really only been a week. Her message made it seem like it was a long time. But anyway I would feel like kind of a jerk not responding when she is just seeing how I am. Am I wrong here? I have accepted the fact that she is with someone else and it hurts less everyday for me to think about that. I have moved on quite well, and have started to take an interest in a few girls that I have gotten to know since. So i feel that responding to my ex will have no hinderance on my healing. What does everyone think? Her motive for the message seems pretty genuine. Other than a few messages its been over a month since we have spoken face to face or even on the phone, so its not like I have been talking to her every week. But I dont want to look or feel like an ***hole if I dont resopond. Some help would be appreciated. Thanks Folks -KR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TijuanaJones Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 I wouldnt answer... but if I did, I would keep it short and simple, like: "Im doing fine, thanks! That's it, that way you don't make it into a dialogue asking her the same. It's a tough one, I have tought about it a lot also... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaker Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 KR, You are wrong. Let it go, if you can. If you can't ignore the note, at least give it a few days before replying. In terms of healing, the note is taking away from your time and mental space. Put the energy into the few girls you're getting to know. You won't look like a jerk. Just like someone who is moving on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
krnelson2 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks for the reply guys- I wouldnt say I'm wasting my time. If i did respond it would be very short to the point. Only answering her questions and thats it. No questions in return, maybe a "I hope all is well with you too, take care" Its obvious she is looking for a response, and it may be due to the girls that have been posting comments on my facebook wall. Not sure but that makes a lot of sense to me. But anyway, I am in no hurry to rush and respond right away. Maybe in a few days, maybe next week, maybe never. Who knows? Right now that is about #1452647 on my list of priorities -KR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rsxguy520 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 DAy 23, i think?! yeah...FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. it started off real great. but then, what do you know it i c my ex for the first time in like 4 months. reaction and feeling i got! was nothing...i felt absolutely nothing. kind of happy about that. i didn't feel sad or anything. kind of weird how you see people in the bookstore. but no i didn't break nc, i just walk away and avoid her. but the annoying part was i saw her again after about a good hour or so, i knew she saw me cause my homie was like "isn't that your girl (he didn't know we broke up) ?" i looked at him and just yeah looked at him for 5 minutes. once of those funny moments. from the way i preceived it was more like her facial was with what the heck look? confused what the heck is he doing here. i don't really think she recognize me, but whatever. well i just continue to walk my path and yeah continue life. anyways i then bump into her roommate, who was shocked to see me. she was surprise that i changed and looked so different. for the better! haha i guess its the hair or whatever. she talked to me for a good hour and in no way shape or form did i bring up the ex. i knew she wanted me to spit something out but i didn't. anyways she was just totally shocked that i got into SDSU and how my plans in life were coming together like i told her. never doubt me please! hahah. but today was a bit annoying considering the fact the ex in some weird way i kept seeing around the ex where i was most of the day whatever. but then i hung out with one of my close friends from h.s. who also goes to school with me. feels great to catch up heh? anyways i got another long day of school tomorrow, hopefully everything will go better this time. its krazy after the NC healing process you lose affection for some you thought you once loved. anyways hope everything was going well for you peoples out there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaker Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 End of Day 8 Today was great. No rollercoaster of feelings. No self-doubt. Just a good day. I feel like I'm stabilizing. I'm worried about when the next bump is coming. Fingers crossed. Good to hear tj, boston, and ahhhhh also had good days. Must be in the air. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahhh2jz Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Shaker, RSX, glad to hear both of you are doing good as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comfyshoes Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I think i'm losing it in a big way! she knows i was going into that chat room that she uses. her and her buddies had logged my IP address and pounced on me next time i went in. she's making all these comments to them about her stalkerish ex girlfriend (she's right i guess). so bottom line is that i've blown it. i've lost all respect that she ever had for me. she hates me. she's chosen these strangers form a chat room over me once again. bad mouthing me to everyone. i deserve it though. nothing left for me to do now except wait it out and maybe call her some day, maybe deny it was in the room or something. i'm just gutted but i have no-one to blame but myself. shoes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebylittle Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Day 21 (I think). Slightly bizarre but after lots and lots of progress I'm starting to feel as raw and pained as the day we split up. I've been more and more able to shake negative feelings and just cast aside "if onlys", but since last night I've been at rock bottom. ( ) I've got to face the ex next Monday at work and if I can't get myself back on track this week then I really don't know how well I'm going to cope come Monday morning. Advice or tips apprecaited! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honeyspur Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Advice or tips apprecaited! I think you may be feeling anxiety because you are reaching the end of your 30 day goal. People often feel a little like this as they are coming into the home stretch. A lot of getting out of the relationship pain is something you must choose. Try to consider how much you choose to think of her, choose to do things, go places and generally remind yourself of her. These are choices despite how automatic they feel. You may have to be strict with yourself and willing to switch gears a lot. Be willing to jump up and do something when you think of her. This can be done anywhere, even at work. Got a messy desk drawer? Time to do it when she crosses your mind. Ever wanted to learn a language? Pick up a cheap book and start practicing when she appears in your head during TV watching. The biggest, most powerful key you have is your will. This takes an effort to change - maybe change is what you truly fear. Don't lose this challenge! Think of how life will look like, once it's over and you start month two - you'll be an expert at this by then. Don't forget to jot down what new things you are trying, old things you are picking back up, that you once abandoned because of her and what objects, web pages you are giving up in order to move on. These are all integral parts of healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaker Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Shoes, The 'bottom line' is that you learned not to go in the chatroom. Look, I know it feels like whenever we (as dumpees) mess up with our exes (show anger, break NC, go into chatrooms!) it only 'proves' our exes were right to dump us in the first place. Or should hate us. What I think it really proves, though, is that we're human. We're vulnerable. We make mistakes. We make them because we care(d), and are hurt. These things should be understandable. How are you doing now? littlebylittle, Honeyspur's advice is great. It's all about creating new patterns of thinking and action. Hard, but possible. Day 9 for me: It's been far easier keeping NC when I don't hear at all from my ex (and I still haven't). Although cyber snooping on him isn't possible, with both know each other's schedules very well, and from the start I worked on revamping mine so there wouldn't be any run-ins. I go out to different places (good suggestions, HoneySpur!), socialize with different people, and stopped (long ago now) going back to the neighborhood he's still in. All of this helps. It feels so much better to be doing No Contact to improve my life for me, rather than doing it to be more appealing to my ex (which had been in the back of my mind when I started all of this). Good luck to everyone today! Sandy, hope all is well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebylittle Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Honeyspur / Shaker Thanks, I know exactly what you are saying, sometimes I guess I do actively allow myself to wallow rather than snapping out of it. Thankfully my house mate can always spot this and does his best to change things. I think my real problem is that the three weeks have felt easy because I haven't had to see her. Next week I'll be back to work and voila, there she'll be. It's not like we work in the same company but different offices - we literally sit 20 feet apart facing each other. I've been positive and picked up lots of new skills, and am generally really happy with where I have got to. In fact, in many ways I often think I'm glad I was dumped otherwise I wouldn't be discovering the new / old (?!) me. However, I simply can't do NC with someone that I walk past/walks past me 20 times per day. I know she'll start a conversation with me and whilst I'll do my best to be aloof, and my best acting head will be on to seem like I've moved on I'm worried that she'll see straight through it and feel nothing but guilt or pity - neither are emotions I want her to feel. I want her to feel regret, not because I want her back (although I do), I want her to feel regret because that is what I deserve, God damn it - the more I think about it the more clear it becomes that I had one issue (insecurity) and one issue only, despite that I know she'll never find anyone that comes close to me. BUT BUT BUT - even knowing and telling myself that I still can't help feel the same way - i.e. I'll not find another her. It's weird, round and round I go in some bizarre circle - Want her back, hate her, love her, too good, not good enough, nobody comes close, there are better out there, she really loved me and I couldn't accept it, I was right all along.....and straight back to "I want her back". Vey tiresome!!! Thanks for the advice guys. I'll stick at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honeyspur Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 It's weird, round and round I go in some bizarre circle - Want her back, hate her, love her, too good, not good enough, nobody comes close, there are better out there, she really loved me and I couldn't accept it, I was right all along.....and straight back to "I want her back". Vey tiresome!!! I just wanted to add here, as this is something everyone is going through, how much this list of feelings makes up the individual as a whole. And how wonderful you are feeling this full range of emotions - this is healthy! People are both at the same time. They are the best and the worst. They are wonderful and terrible. They are thoughtful and thoughtless. No one should be punished for being a real person. So ask yourself - how long does the punishment go on? How would things be if you worked on forgiveness today? Forgiveness is not really for the ex - it's for you. Because what would have to happen if you forgave them? You'd have to move on. So what's holding you back today? Gotta keep up that face? Gotta hold onto that pain? For what? So tomorrow you'll have to hang onto it again? Hmm...an endless stream of pain...sounds worse than being cheated on, if you ask me. Sounds like it'll last longer than being dumped took. For those working or living near their ex - is it possible you are faced with growing some serious courage? Would having that amount of courage and strength be a waste of time? Would it make you better or worse as a person? What would you be like, if you embraced change and power? What would you feel like if you knew you made it through an entire month without focusing on your ex? Maybe you are depriving the perfect person out there of your company. Maybe you have a true love - and it's not a person, but a career or a skill you gave up long ago. Maybe you meant for bigger things than your ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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