Second best

[Sprink]

I've been dating this guy long distance for over 4 months now. I've known him for a long time and I knew about the girl he previously dated (also LDR) for about 2 years before we ever got together. I know he was really into her and was ready to spend his life with her. But then she cheated on him so he broke it up.

 

Now he is with me and sometimes I feel like I am living in this girl's shadow. He and I do activities that he and she had done before (there isn't really an escape from that), and I feel like I am competing with a past image of her.

 

I happened to snoop into one of his conversations with someone talking about us. He stated that he is not over her even though he can never trust her again and don't intend to get back together. But it's just that he had felt something so strong with her that even I can't match.

 

That is so painful to hear! I feel like I'll never be able to compete with this girl even though she isn't with him anymore. Any sort of sporty things we do I think this girl was able to do better. But why should I be compared with her in the first place?

 

I know he likes me still, and he mentions about long-term with me sometimes, so I know he is for reals...but still...am I always going to have to be second-best?

 

What am I supposed to do? Tell him about my insecurities? We had a wonderful holiday together, but I kept feeling this kind of insecurity the whole time.

 

Advise please!

 

Sprink

[Northalius]

All I can think, is go NC until he is fully over his girlfriend, if possible. This is up to him to choose, really.

 

As I said to another person: Do not go out with someone if you still have feelings for your ex, it'll just clash in your new relationship, and cause more hurt for both of you.

 

This is sadly what you seem to be going through, and it's not your fault.

 

People sometimes rush into the next relationship to try and cloud the hurt feelings from their past relationship; this is not the right thing to do. Then, as said above, they come back and clash.

 

Tell him exactly how you feel about this; open communcation is the best thing in a relationship. Then, I'd personally let them know that I must not see them anymore, until they clear up their emotions about the other person, because I'm not into playing games, or being compared to someone else.

 

Hope things work out, and I'm sure you'll get some other tips from other posters on here that might be better, but that's just my opinion I gave you.

[J6hn]

Make every moment unforgettable.

He will, in time, begin to forget her. It may take ages, but if you're always there with and for him he'll fall desperately in love with you.

You're in her shadow, yes, but you're a light which will slowly make it disapear.

Perhaps if it bothers you too much, tell him how you're feeling. He'll probably be understanding.

[arwen]

I think four months is a short time to be together to assume you will always be second best. However, you may ask yourself if you want to be in this place NOW. Because I think you don't want to be with him because he needs to get over her-- like a rebound thing. You can't force love, he shouldn't try that and neither should you. I think you should tell him you read this-- that is difficult since you broke his privacy. If you feel too uncomfortable to fess that up, maybe ask him in a direct way how he feels about you. Doing the exact same things with you as he did with her is a red flag, I think in order to start a serious NEW relationship, both persons should step out of the past and be ready to start a new chapter in their lives.

 

Arwen

[mikeca]

Well sort've being in your boyfriends situation minus the cheating part. I know im not ready to jump in a relationship, I still truly care about my ex even if I dont see reconciling anytime soon.

 

You need to see if he has moved on enough to let others into his heart, if not it maybe better for you to look over the last 4months and see if your gaining any ground on this girl.

[EvaGina]

I wouldnt stand for it.

still having feelings for an ex is one thing... I think that if you feel strongly enough to commit to someone, then its a bit insulting if you ever really forget them... but that you are willing to be with someone that is just using you to fill a void?

 

Personally, I dont think you should commit to anyone if they are not the person you want above all others... Its unfair to both of you. You might love him and he you, but he feels more for his ex than for you, which is unacceptable.

 

him feeling for his ex is not wrong, its wrong of him to allude to a long-term reletionship with you if you are not the person he really wants to be with.

 

You need to stand up for yourself. Dont get angry at him or anything, but if I were you I would just tell him that I dont think I could be with someone who is still infatuated with someone else, and I would walk.

 

Everyone deserves to be with someone who dotes on them... Set this guy free and leave yourself open to someone who loves only you.

[Joneysnai]

You have to tell him about your insecurities and if he is emailing to someone about how he isn't over her yet, maybe he is just on the rebound? How long ago was the break up between him and his ex girlfriend.

 

You should never feel at anytime that he is comparing you to her and from the sounds of it, it does look like that is what he is doing. He may tell you he wants to be with you long term but I don't think he is ready to be in another serious relationship at this point in time if he is still pondering over his x girlfriend. That isn't fair to you at all.

 

Be honest and tell him how you truly feel, see what he says.

 

You said you snooped in his email, how come you felt a need to do that? Does he know about it? Can you honestly trust what he is telling you at this point? In the future you might feel the need to snoop again to see what he is saying to other people, leading to trust issues.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is he is not ready to be in a relationship with you, let alone anyone if he is still constantly thinking about his x.