AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 I'm not looking forward to telling her I'm sleeping downstairs... We've been interacting like friends around the house and on IM during work hours. My stomach is all in knots.. She's watching the OC now, only 15mins till it's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Good luck. Let us know what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 I'm just not ready to do it. I'm doing a great job acting normal/happy around her. No affection shown by either of us since Tuesday night. When she broke up with me, she said she didn't like who she had become. That is starting to resonate with me more as I'm starting to realize that I don't like who I have become. I don't want to be that weak and needy person anymore. I think this break is for the best. I think we will both benefit from time apart. Whether it leads to a reconciliation, I don't know. I do know that, at the very least, I will not initiate any contact with her after she leaves. I'm still struggling with whether to institute strict NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Alltornup, Sorry it took me a while to respond. I read your post and this is an easy one if you can stick with it. I can empathize with this girl. I really can. She moved probably against her will but wanted to please you. I know that the rumbunciousness of two boys could get the best of anyone. (ha ha) DO NOT ALLOW HER TO SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH YOU. You be a gentleman and sleep on the couch an dlet her have the bed. Two week is NOTHING. I am sure this woman is sweet and you do love her but I want you to be cautious about something. When she says she is going to move when you are out of town, make sure that she ONLY TAKES what is hers. In other words, do you trust her completely? In a situation like this, it is very viable that she maybe thought the relationship was "moving way to fast"....she got scared and wants away maybe NOT from the relationship....but from the reality of the relationship. My reasoning is, if she still sleeps in the same bed as you and doesn't have a problem with it....go figure. I don't have the answers but I deal with facts. What do you know about the situation? a) She didn't want to move in b) you pressured her to move in c) as soon as she moved in, things went sour In my opinion, let her move out, and maintain NC UNTIL she contacts you. I don't believe this woman is running away from you, she is just trying to find her independance. You be the judge. You know her better than any of us here. I woudl NOT sleep in the same bed, just because (friends or roomates) regardless the situation has changed. Hold your chin up and say, I respect you enough to let you have the bed. I will be in here on the couch. I am sorry I pressured you into moving in with me when maybe we BOTH were not ready but I am excited for you ande your new place. I hope that after you get settled, maybe you would invite me over so we could make dinner together. It's up to you. Turn your pain around and let it work for you rather than against you. Be loving WITHOUT PRESSURING. Smile, be confident! You are going to be fine. Stay Strong, SuperDave71 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Thank you so much SuperDave! You always seem to have the best insight for everyone. I will definitely take your advice tonight. (And LittleLion and Mavis, thank you both too! This board is fantastic. I wish I had stuck around during my divorce two years ago) One more question, however. She's on call this week and has to stay home because of this. Should I plan on being absent with the boys as much as possible? You know, to give her space. I can be casual about it so it's not like it's a "punishment" or anything. P.S. How is your book coming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Alltornup, You do what you WANT to do. It's your home and you shouldn't ever tip toe around it. Be respectful of her but the boys come first. If the boys want to go out to a movie for a while..go. I know you love this woman but do NOT lose who you are in an attempt to be loved by her. Desperation is a HUGE TURN OFF TO WOMEN ( back me up ladies!!) Just be you...smile...don't be down and love those kids like there is no tomorrow!! She will be fine regardess. Take care, SuperDave71 PS. the book is still going well....big project ya know..ha ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beec Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Alltornup, You do what you WANT to do. It's your home and you shouldn't ever tip toe around it. Be respectful of her but the boys come first. If the boys want to go out to a movie for a while..go. I know you love this woman but do NOT lose who you are in an attempt to be loved by her. Desperation is a HUGE TURN OFF TO WOMEN ( back me up ladies!!) Just be you...smile...don't be down and love those kids like there is no tomorrow!! She will be fine regardess. Take care, SuperDave71 PS. the book is still going well....big project ya know..ha ha AMEN. Well put SuperDave. If you can don't let it get to you. If she gets you down, act like she did not. Soon, she won't get to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Thank you all for your support. By the way, I trust her completely to move while I'm out of town. She is a very stable and trustworthy person and there is no animosity. In fact, I'm a little worried that she will leave her washing machine here since her apartment comes with a washer and dryer. The reason I say worried is because I would feel bad if she does and I don't thank her when I get back. I would also feel bad if I don't at least text her that I arrived in Vegas safely and that I've arrived back safely. Anyway, plenty of time to think about all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Yes SuperDave71. We (Ladies) are turned off by desperation! We find strong and independent men very attractive. Stop worrying about what to do when you get to Vegas etc. I don't think you should text her because if she wants to know she'll text you. Let her make that move, not you. And stop worrying about the washing machine too. I'm proud of you for recognizing that you don't like who you've become in the relationship either. Sometimes "breaks" are good just for this reason. Take this time to do some soul searching., and I think you have started doing this. PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE take Mavis,mine, and SuperDave advice and MOVE TO THE COUCH TONIGHT. That lonely feeling is only going to be ten times worse when she does move out and you spend your first night alone in your bed. So, do yourself a huge favor and do it now so that first night isn't as lonely as it will be if you don't make this move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 I will move to the couch tonight. I will hold it together. I was just thinking to myself that she hadn't IM'd me at all yet today (I'm not initiating any contact), when low and behold, she IM'd me. Now I wish she had not Her: I'm not going to be home until a little later tonight Her: dinner Me: ok, have fun Her: ok, thanks Now don't get me wrong, I don't think she is seeing anyone, nor do I think she will start seeing anyone anytime soon. I don't know why it's upsetting me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 It's upsetting you because you are allowing it to upset you. -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Anyone have any advice on how to break the news to my 6 and 9 yearolds? She's been in their lives for a year and a half now, six months living with us. Would it be fair to my ex to ask her to sit down with us while I explain it to them before she leaves? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Torn up, Just be honest with your boys. Explain, of course, it is NOT their fault and I would try NOT to make a big deal out of it. Year and a half or not, I think it woudl also matter what kind of role she lead with your children. Let us know will ya? -SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 I agree with SuperDave...don't make a big deal out of it. And the less information you give them the better. Maybe approach it like "Me and (her) think it's better if we live in different places for awhile," or something simple like that. And if they ask why, well you'll have to come up with a reason since I don't know the history between them and her. And do let us know how it all goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 SuperDave and LittleLion, Thank you both again for your advice. I hope you know how much it means to me. I think she is starting to notice that I'm not contacting her. She said I was quiet today and asked if I was busy on IM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beec Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 In response to stuff like this, you can even tell her that you just don't have much to say. If we need to take care fo something, let's talk, Otherwise, things are as they are, it is what it is, and there's not much reason to talk about it. It's a good vague and possibly aloof response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 I am pretty sure she had dinner with a good looking male coworker tonight (that I have met before). She didnt come right out and say it and I didnt ask and I wont ask. The next two weeks will be hard to get through. I am trying to plan things to keep me busy, but it'll be hard. All my friends are married Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in 3 months when my life will be better.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Here's the latest on sleeping downstairs: When she talked about going to bed, I told her that I was going to sleep downstairs. She asked why like she thought it was an odd idea. I said I respected her decision and I wanted to give her her space. She said if anyone should sleep downstairs it should be her. I said I wasn't going to let her do that. She said that if my kids wake up in the middle of the night, they'd be looking for me in the bedroom. I said they never get up in the middle of the night. We sort of let the subject drop and talked about other stuff for awhile. Then I said I was going to get on the net for awhile and then go to bed. She said she was going to read for a while and go to bed. I guess there will be no further discussion when I go to bed because she'll already be asleep, so that will work out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Well, I did it. Not sure how I feel about it. I guess I feel a little stronger and a little sad. I was able to sleep good--that was a little surprising. She's still in bed. I'm making coffee. Life goes on.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 She got up about 15mins after I did and said she slept like a rock. So much for thinking she missed me in her bed.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'm so proud that you finally had the courage to sleep downstairs! Both of you probably slept better because there wasn't that stress and tension between the two of you. Maybe she didn't miss you last night but eventually she will. Didn't I tell you that she would be surprised when you told her you were going to sleep downstairs? Keep doing what you're doing. Keep being strong. Don't you feel like a new person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 I do feel like a new person. Not in the way I thought feeling like a new person would feel. But I was able to do things rather than sit around moping etc. Made breakfast for the boys. Washed the dishes. The boys and I are going geocaching in a little bit (it's like a treasure hunt only with GPS coordinates). I'm still sad about the state of my relationship, but I feel like I'm better able to handle it. I still hope she sees the strong, independent man she fell in love with and eventually comes back, but if not, it won't be the end of the world. Another lucky girl will get me someday Thank you LittleLion, and SuperDave, and Mavis. You all give me hope and inspiration during a difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperDave71 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Alltornup, CONGRATS on what you did!!! I am soooooooo proud of you. What you do NOT see is underneath all that sadness and pity is YOU.. By sleeping on the couch last night, you took a babystep. You DID what you SAID you were going to do and STUCK WITH IT. You have NO IDEA what an inspiration you became last night. I will also promise you something....she may have been in that bed alone but I promise you....she was wondering "what's up". You stick with your guns.. When your feeling down...inagine on your shoulder is a little Sponge Bob... that will be me telling you "you are going to be JUST FINE!" I 100% agre with Little Lion..and I wish you a HUGE CONGRATS!! -Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beec Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 The best thing you can do is be independent, and try not to sho her that it is getting to you. Do whatever you need to do that. And the couch, thumbs up. Things should not jsut remain as they have been. She made decisions, there are consequences. Good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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