AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Super Dave (or anyone!), Please give me advice. I have been reading a lot of posts here the last two days. Here is my story: I went through a very messy divorce that started during the summer of 2004. I was a total wreck. Did just about every wrong thing in the book. I was married for 8 years at the time with two little boys. At any rate, it took a long time, but I was finally starting to feel good about myself and get over her by March 2005. Then I started dating this great girl in April 2005. I was afraid, but I fell in love with her over the summer. Things were going great, so I started pressuring her to move in with me and she finally did in July 2006. That's when things started to fall apart. She was just unhappy there. Didn't like living out in the suburbs with all the soccer moms. Couldn't handle the cacophony of two grade school boys living in the house with us every other week (I have joint physical custody). There are other issues of course, there always are. Anyhow, she finally dropped the bomb on Saturday night. She needs to get out of there. She needs space. She needs to work on her. We cried all night together. She went out with friends the next night for New Years and spent the night at her friend's house. I did great by not calling or texting that night even though I would have loved to hear from her (Happy New Year or something). I finally broke down and texted at 2pm the next day. I was worried about her. Now I'm not so sure, I was probably just being needy, etc. I called and left a message at 3pm. She called back aorund 3:30 and was heading home, well, to the house. That night there was a bit more talking and crying, but she noticed that I was doing better than the first night. Also, she asked that I cancel her plane ticket to Vegas (we were all going in mid-January to visit my parents). Anyway, I started reading your posts yesterday and I decided that I needed to cut out the relationship talk and crying altogether until she moves out. Yesterday after work I beat her to the house (she had the day off). She said she had been out looking at apartments and had decided on one near her work (10min drive instead of 40mins now). I told her that it sounded really cool. She showed me the web site and floor plan, etc. I asked when the apartment would be available and she said she would move while I'm in Vegas with the boys. Even though all this stuff hurt like he11, I held my chin high and the tears at bay--I was very proud of myself. I said only positive things. Anyway, our situation is very strange. We're acting like roommates, but still sleeping in the same bed. She even wanted to hold me in the middle of the night and gave me a little kiss. I won't lie to you, it felt great at the time. It hurts now when I think about how that will all come to an end soon. Anyway, I have two weeks left of living with her and I wanted to know what you thought about what I should do. My current plan is to just get through it as best I can. Don't do anything stupid that will push her away. Just treat her with respect and let her make any moves (such as kisses/hugs/cuddling/I love yous, etc). I won't call or text her. I did email her an interesting article this morning and she responded, so I'm not sure if I fell off the wagon or if that's acceptable roommate activity. After she moves out, I don't really know what to do. I'm torn between LC and NC. I definitely won't initiate any contact, but I don't know if I should take her calls, texts, emails, IMs, etc. Please advise me. Please comment on my two week plan and give me advice on what to do after she moves out. Thank you so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavis VDSande Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Hiyah, I really feel for you - so here's a hug from me to you! HUG I think you're on the right direction - but does she want space from you and your relationship or is she saying that she needs her own personal space and to move closer to work (but still see you)? These are two different things. If she wants space from your relationship and she thinks it's not working I wouldn't try to push her to change her mind. If you do you'll seem needy and build a psychological conflict which will push her more. I would probably concentrate on yourself, but be kind and friendly to her. If she goes out don't blame her for things or begrudge her. The last thing you want is for her to think negatively of you these last few weeks. Also be happy, act happy, make her laugh, seem independent, agree with her and minimise conflict - show her that this is fine, you are not fazed by this and that you CAN LIVE WITHOUT HER. You can do it - we are hear to support you. If she still wants a rels with you but just wants to move out then be friendly too - it does not mean the end. I moved out of my ex's we were still going strong until we broke up later. And now we're back together. So her moving out does not mean it's the end. Sometimes people just need a bit of space, a bit of "me" time. It's natural. Let me know more about the situation, Hugs x 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I think you're doing the right thing right now by just getting through the next two weeks. However, I think you should really consider either you or her moving out of the bedroom and sleeping in different beds in different rooms. You're only going to make it worse on yourself after she's gone if you keep enjoying her little kisses and such at night. I know it will be hard and you probably won't want to sleep in different rooms but you need to make this move. I would also suggest doing the NC thing now and after she moves out. She's the one that needs "space" and to work on herself. thereforeeee, you making contact is not helping her. I know this will also be hard but you need to start now so that in two weeks it doesn't become even harder. Take the time during the next two weeks and even after she's gone to reflect on you. Reevaluate what you want out of life? What do you want in a relationship? What don't you want in a relationship? Be specific. Try writing down your thoughts. Then see how your relationship with her fits what you want and don't want. This might give you some insight into yourself and your relationship for good and bad. In situations like these it's really important to respect your partner's wishes and to reevaluate you too. It will give you perspective on what to do next and/or how to move on. I always say if it's meant to be it will find a way to work itself out. But you have to be patient. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thank you Mavis! I don't feel so alone anymore. I think she wants space from the relationship and I know she wants her own space and closer to work. I'm OK with her moving out because I know things were much better when we lived apart. Or maybe I'm just saying I'm OK with it because I'll do anything to keep her... She told me she loved me so much and that if it wasn't for all the other things, we'd be good together. I'm still trying to decide if that's true or not. As I mentioned in the book above, I know she pities me and is worried about me. So I can't let her see me cry anymore.. OK, I think I can be nice to her until she moves. The what? Should I commence NC or let her do all the contacting (if there is any)? Thanks again. BTW, the hugs made me feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 LittleLion, I will have to think some more about the sleeping in separate beds.. I think it would show her that I'm strong and get her started missing me, but it is a big move and no turning back. Does anyone else have thoughts on that? I would sure miss having her in my bed, but I can be strong and do it if it's the right thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavis VDSande Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I hope you feel a tad better! You're right - do NOT let her pity you. DO NOT Do NOT DO NOT. You must be strong - you can be strong. You have it in you, you really do. Be positive, act happy - even if you're crying inside. Please do - whatever happens you want her to remember the good times and remember these next few weeks smiling. If she's decided that she can't handle the situation you're both in and feels that moving out is for the best (and possibly that she wants to hold the rels - not sure if she wants to break up for good or not...) DO NOT try to change her mind. It's made up already. Just show her that you respect this, also you can show her that you still care for her - not by saying it in words - but through your actions. Like you said she is showing you floor plans etc - so help her out in her move. I know it is painful but show her that you still care about her regardless of the situation. I'm not sure I would ask to sleep in different rooms unless she has said she def wants to break up. Moving out is not a sure sign of a rels breakdown - it just means that the timing is not right at this moment, that's all. If she def wants to break up then yeah I would say that you respect her wishes and think it's a good idea to move to separate rooms - but say it in a cheerful, nice and caring manner. I know you may want to say it with gritted teeth but you have to be strong. Right now, you need to make small steps towards working on yourself, being kind to her and helping out your kids. Don't worry about when she moves out yet, just digest what's happening now and give yourself a break. You're going through a lot - take it easy and just work to minimise conflicts between the both of you. Also I would limit my contact with her, so she is confident that you will give her the freedom to do this without clinging on to her. More hugs x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 AllTornUp---I agree with you when you say it will show her that you're strong but, more importantly, it will also show her that you're serious about your relationship which is the MOST important message you want to send. I also want you to think about your motivation for taking my suggestion. If it is to "get her to start missing you" then you're only going to be in pain more. What if she doesn't miss you? Then what? You'll be hurt and disappointed so don't make that the reason why you need separate beds. You need separate beds because yes, you need to be strong and show her you're serious about your relationship. I guarantee she is probably not expecting you to suggest different rooms and she's probably not expecting you to be strong and stand up for the future of your relationship. You never know this type of strength may be attractive to her and you don't even know it. That is why if you care this much about her and your relationship you'll do what it right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavis VDSande Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 You don't want the situation to be that she moves out and you're standing behind looking at her leaving, clutching at what's left. Or at least you don't want her to think that this is what's going to be the situation in a few weeks! You want to let her know that if she is shaking up her surrounds, that's cool. So are you - you're not going to sadly see her walk off. You are a busy man! Let her feel emotionally confident in you and feel that you are a strong and independent man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I've read many posts that talk about getting "crumbs" from one's ex. I think maybe the holding me at 2am is a crumb for me and a crutch for her... I guess that's what I meant by getting her to start missing me. If I let her have this "crutch", it'll just make it easier for her to leave and harder for me to be left. So maybe it really would be better to suggest separate beds. I think she is almost as upset as I am about the breakup. As for whether it's a breakup, I'm pretty sure that it is.. At least it was at first. Then she talked about needing time/space to work on herself, to figure things out. And that maybe we could start dating again sometime in the future. I don't know if that is legit or if she's just throwing me a bone to give me hope and hurt me less.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I agree with Mavis! You need to show her you are strong and independent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 You don't want the situation to be that she moves out and you're standing behind looking at her leaving, clutching at what's left. Or at least you don't want her to think that this is what's going to be the situation in a few weeks! You want to let her know that if she is shaking up her surrounds, that's cool. So are you - you're not going to sadly see her walk off. You are a busy man! Let her feel emotionally confident in you and feel that you are a strong and independent man. I think I may be inadvertantly doing that already.. I set up a lunch meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss compensation. I talked to a guy that I do contract work for halfway accross the country about potentially working for him full-time. I pulled the trigger on getting new flooring installed in my house (been working on pricing/colors/etc for a few weeks). I mentioned these things to her in casual conversation over dinner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 AllTornUp--Congratulations you have just come to an "AHH HA" moment! I'm so proud of you! Your "AHH HA" moment is recognizing "If I let her have this "crutch", it'll just make it easier for her to leave and harder for me to be left. So maybe it really would be better to suggest separate beds." That's exactly why I suggested separate beds. There's really no way to tell whether she is trying to make it easier for her to leave because she might not realize what she's doing either. But you have realized what this "crutch" could be doing and that is the important thing. So, now do you see why you need to be strong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 By the way, she's moving out over the weekend I'll be in Vegas with my kids visiting my parents. Also, I just realized she may never get to see the new flooring.. She helped choose the colors, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 OK, so telling her I think we should have separate beds will be the second hardest thing I've ever had to do after telling my then 4 and 7 year olds that mommy and daddy are getting divorced. There is a bed in the basement (finished, but always chilly). I would normally be chivilrous (sp?) and take that leaving her in the master bedroom. Would that seem weak or subserviant? If so, mayhap I should make her sleep down there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beec Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Be strong and independent, that's right and correct. ALOOF, if you can. To the extent you can give her support, etc., also do that, but do not risk breaking down emotionally to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 You're killing me here AllTornUp! Of course it's going to be hard but you know this is what you have to do. I'm not going to tell you which is better: leave her in the master bedroom or put her downstairs. That should be your decision. Come on, you're strong. You can make that decision on your own. Stop over analyzing your every move and just do it! I know you're strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 OK, thank you all for your advice. I will sleep in the basement from now on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vesper Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 sleeping in separate beds means absolutley nothing when you are both living under the same roof. The best situation here is for one of you to move out ASAP. other than that you are basically still together. just my 2 cents. and speaking from experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 I wimped out. Didn't sleep in the basement. Kind of wish I had now. No holding or anything. I guess she didn't need a crutch last night. Meanwhile I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Kept hoping she would roll over and want to hold me. I guess one good thing is she didn't see my weekness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavis VDSande Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 OK, thank you all for your advice. I will sleep in the basement from now on. I think this is a good idea. You're right. I know it's easy to put all the blame on her and say she's the "marriage-breaker", "dumper" etc but she may be very confused and hurt right now too. In situations like this, people break down - they go into "survivial mode" - they stop behaving as they would. What YOU need to do is TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION - show her that even though she's emotionally all over the place, you are STRONG. Be her friend, be caring for her as much as you can and seem unfazed. So when she's in her new place and looks back at you she feels proud of you - that whatever you both went through you stood high and strong throughout. I wouldn't mention divorce yet - but if she mentions it I would just go ahead with it. I know it's so painful but you need to minimise conflict. Good Luck!! And good luck with the kids too x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavis VDSande Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 I wimped out. Didn't sleep in the basement. Kind of wish I had now. No holding or anything. I guess she didn't need a crutch last night. Meanwhile I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Kept hoping she would roll over and want to hold me. I guess one good thing is she didn't see my weekness. YOU MUST YOU MUST YOU MUST. You must do these things now to protect your future dignity and future YOU! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thank you, Mavis. I will sleep in the basement starting tonight, hard as it will be. I cannot believe how much this hurts. I never thought I would hurt as much as I did when my ex-wife left me after 8yrs. This time is a little different because I know I can fall in love again some day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 AllTornUp--Mavis and I are on the same page about this. You need to be strong and like Mavis suggested "take control of the situation." You were "hoping" that she would roll over and want to hold you and she didn't so now you're even more hurt. When you start putting wishful expectations on people you're only making the pain worse. This is another reason why you MUST be strong. I've been in a similiar situation and it is not easy but you need to be strong. Your strength will help easy the pain. Like Mavis said too, you want her to be proud of you and not feel bad or pity you in your emotional state. I bet she has never witnessed this side of you, and like I said before it will be a plus to show her. She will probably find you more attractive through own strength. Give it some time and see what happens. And tonight you know what you need to do. I'm here if you find another moment of weakness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AllTornUp Posted January 4, 2007 Author Share Posted January 4, 2007 Thanks again LittleLion. I wish I was strong enough last night. I will not make that mistake again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleLion24 Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Well at least you're making some progress. Just take small steps and eventually it will get easier. There's a great song by Faith Hill (I realize that guys may not be into Faith Hill's music) called "Stronger" on her "Cry" Album that may uplift you. Give it a try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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