Girlfriend smokes weed, I dont

[Smith9108]

So Ive been seeing someone for quite a long time now, and I knew at the outset that she used to smoke weed. Her past is of course, her past, but after being off of it for for months, she wants to start again. I had thought that this was over, and it bothers me because I am very uncomfortable with drugs. To make matters worse, she has mentioned interst in trying LSD and ecstasy. Now I grew up with a drug- counselor for a father and I know the dangers of those drugs. How do I communicate my worries without seeming like Im trying to control or change her? She hasnt been defensive or angry about the topic, but it really upsets me. thanks in advance.

[blahblah2006]

Personally, if i were in your position i would tell her exactly how i felt about the drugs. If she loved me then i would assume she wouldnt feel i was controlling her, just trying to voice my concerns. If she wont change then well, you have to choose from there.

 

Note: Do pick a good time, dont pick a time when shes already in a bad mood.

[xmrth]

Is your dad still sharp with all his information and know what to say in response to someone that's using drugs?

The only way to let someone understand that what they're doing is not good for them, is to educate them-- and educate them before they go in too deep and need a whole mess of help, especially with LSD and ecstasy.

 

Since you've been together for a long time, how is she with your dad? You could have him talk to her, definitely. But you would have to be careful of your dad's reaction to it because you know how parents are... there is also the chance she'd still think 'yeah, right.' but I think it would be worth a shot in comparison to her taking those drugs.

 

I just think if you're dad was a drug counselor, than for her to know that about him and the point that he's got factual information, she may listen... and she could even be happy that her boyfriend's dad even cares enough about her to step in and help her before she gets herself into irreparable trouble with drugs.

 

You've got to let her know what you really think before you make a move onto any other options like this though, definitely. Maybe even use what you've learned from you dad over the years.

[Smith9108]

Well, my father is a manger of the biggest drug- rehap hospital dept. in the state, so he does know his stuff. Ad she has made it clear that before she does anything she would do her research, and that shes not sure how badly she wants to try the drugs. I know that if I told her that she had to choose between me or the drugs she would stop and never bring it up again. The this is that I dont want to put down ultimatums on her even if I could. I have a strong belief in the idea that relationships arent about forcing people into things. I also feel that in a relationship as good as ours (And we really do have a strong bond and great trust) I know I dont want her to do hard drugs, but Im nout sure if I should do anything about the marijuana. thanks by the way for your help so far

[CluelessGuy321]

Gotta nip it in the butt ASAP.

 

I know a girl who started using drugs and had a clean boyfriend. She gets high a lot, their relationship fell apart fast, and she just does stupid things all the time.

Probably has other psychological issues, but uses drugs as an outlet.

[shikashika]

hmnn... people who use drugs aren't neccesarily always addicts.

 

i think, if people just dabble in this and that once in a while and it doesn't affect their relationship or work then it isn't a problem

 

Its a whole other topic, but I think people who use drugs sparingly, whether its weed or coke or e don't really have a problem unless they abuse it.

 

You can find a million pieces of drug-fueled propaganda to tell you 'just say no' and 'drugs are bad'... when a lot of these government funded studies are out to prove( especially with ecstasy) that they're right.

 

 

 

I think that some drugs are worse than others like meth or crack.. and I don't mean to offend in anyway, but are you taking all this information just from your father? Of course he is going to have all the information on all the bad things certain drugs can do to you.

 

Problem is I know a lot of drug studies just lump ALL drugs into one category. With the decarte (scientist) study, the scientist that tired to prove that ecstasy causes Parkinson's and brain damge.. everyone started to think that one pill can cause permanent damage... Then later on, he retracted his study , because it turned out he had given METH 9 (not e) to monkeys. People still like to use that as a reason as to why not to do E.

 

I think that if someone has a coke problem or a meth problem or a (insert-drug-of-choice) problem.. its their addictive personality problem... if those drugs weren't there, they may have a gambling problem, or a shopping problem or an obsessive personality problem.

 

What i'm trying to say is that.. I don't think saying 'don't do drugs' is the problem ( if thats what you're trying to tell her) but maybe try and help that side of her that has an addictive or destructive personality, because if the drugs aren't there, something else will be.

 

This is however, only if she has a problem.. Personally I don't see a problem with people wanting to do e or coke or whatever, as long as they can control it. I know plenty of people that dabble now and then, but hold down good jobs, have good relationships with their friends an family.

 

I think far too often, people blame the drug, when a lot of times its something destructive about that person's personally.

 

 

However, if this is something you cannot deal with and you dont' want to be in a relationship with someone that does these things, and would like to try these things, then tell her... this is not comething you can compromise on.

 

Good luck!

[Hope75]

I think what you have to decide is if you are comfortable being with a girl who uses drugs. I don't think it is a matter of 'forcing' her to stop using drugs, but more a choice for yourself if you want to be with someone who does.

 

You can put it to her in simple terms: "I am not comfortable being with someone who uses drugs." It is her choice what she wants to do. You are not giving her an ultimatum, merely keeping up with the trust and good communication of your healthy relationship by telling her how you feel and not burying it.

[BornToResist]

I think what you have to decide is if you are comfortable being with a girl who uses drugs. I don't think it is a matter of 'forcing' her to stop using drugs, but more a choice for yourself if you want to be with someone who does.

 

You can put it to her in simple terms: "I am not comfortable being with someone who uses drugs." It is her choice what she wants to do. You are not giving her an ultimatum, merely keeping up with the trust and good communication of your healthy relationship by telling her how you feel and not burying it.

 

I completely agree with Hope.

 

It is very healthy to tell her soon that you are not comfortable being with someone who does drugs...this is NOT an ultimatum. These are your boundaries and those are important for a successful relationship.

 

I would tell her this ASAP because then she can make her decision, knowing that if she does do drugs, she will probably lose her relationship. You aren't forcing her into anything, you are just communicating what is okay to you and what isn't. I personally think that is the mature way to go about it.

[Mythical_Suicide]

As PP's have said, you have to decide what you want. I would sit down and have a talk with her about it. Personally, I dont have aproblem with people using drugs every now and then as I am guilty of that but it doesn't affect my life, my relationship or me as a parent. But as Shika said, people who use the sparingly doesnt make them addicts. So, all you can do is explain how you feel about drugs and her using them whatever you do though don't lecture her about it because well lets just say noone likes that too well.

[Northalius]

I don't do drugs, not even smoke cigs, nor drink alcohol; but if my girlfriend started doing drugs while with me, I'd seriously wonder what is lacking in our relationship, that makes her feel she needs to fill it in with getting high on drugs!

 

I'd talk to her straight out about my feelings about her doing drugs, which is what you should do as soon as possible. Tell her how you feel!

 

If she's not willing to stay clean for you, then she's not good enough for you to stay with. This means she cares about getting high, rather than being with you, and you deserve better than that.

[shikashika]

I don't do drugs, not even smoke cigs, nor drink alcohol; but if my girlfriend started doing drugs while with me, I'd seriously wonder what is lacking in our relationship, that makes her feel she needs to fill it in with getting high on drugs!

 

I'd talk to her straight out about my feelings about her doing drugs, which is what you should do as soon as possible. Tell her how you feel!

 

If she's not willing to stay clean for you, then she's not good enough for you to stay with. This means she cares about getting high, rather than being with you, and you deserve better than that.

 

 

I don't think doing drugs means something is lacking in the relationship... maybe the person just enjoys it... doesn't mean they like/love thier partner any less. Just because she wants to experiment doesn't mean she doesn't care about being with her man.

 

Personally, if I met a guy who was so adamantly against drugs' just-because-they-are-bad' he wouldn't be for me.

 

We can look at it from HER persepective... why is he so strictly against something when she's just having a little fun now and then?

[Hope75]

I don't think doing drugs means something is lacking in the relationship... maybe the person just enjoys it... doesn't mean they like/love thier partner any less. Just because she wants to experiment doesn't mean she doesn't care about being with her man.

 

Personally, if I met a guy who was so adamantly against drugs' just-because-they-are-bad' he wouldn't be for me.

 

We can look at it from HER persepective... why is he so strictly against something when she's just having a little fun now and then?

 

I don't think he is against using drugs 'because they are bad', but because as the child of an addictions specialist, he has scientific evidence of the harm which drug use can do to a person's body and the harm that potential addiction can do.

 

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings about issues like drugs and if their views and feelings are fundementally different than those of a potential partner, that can spell disaster for the relationship.

[Momene]

One issue that is often overlooked is the financial damage done by drugs, both legal and illegal. If you are thinking of setting up home or starting a family on a limited budget, regular consumption of anything is going to sting the income a lot and may cause resentment by the non-user.

 

I do agree with the difference between use and addiction but I think the amount of use needs to be negotiated as part of relationship boundaries.

[Momene]

Do you think that the negotiation of boundaries is an ongoing process or a once-only act?

 

It's an ongoing process and it's sometimes very tough. Even if you and your partner don't change, your circumstances and the world around you certainly do over time. One of the boundaries we've had to negotiate is the amount of money and time available for our own personal use. For example, before our daughter was born, we could have supported regular drug, tobacco or alcohol use but, now we have a daughter to support and are debt-ridden, it is now a complete no-no.

[Smith9108]

Well, before the other drugs came up, I was ok with her smoking weed. Although I am uncomfortable with it, I know that the dangers arent that frightening and that she never does it in a situation that might endanger her relationship (She does in it a circle of girl-friends, not parties) and she has never been an intense user. I think I forgot to mention that since we have been together, she has remained clean. She has only expressed desire to do these things, and I didnt really get distresseds until she mentioned LSD and ecstasy. I may not be comfortable with weed, but I'm mature enough to look past that to an extent as long as does it responsibly (hey,we all have to make small compromises) but the fact that she is interested in harder drugs freaks me out, because I know those are dangerous, even if I realise that my outlook on weed is more of a prduct of my environment growing up. She is not trying to fight me on this, but I just dont know where to draw the line, because I know that if one person smokes weed in a relationship with someone who doesn't, it can cause problems.

[shikashika]

I don't think he is against using drugs 'because they are bad', but because as the child of an addictions specialist, he has scientific evidence of the harm which drug use can do to a person's body and the harm that potential addiction can do.

 

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings about issues like drugs and if their views and feelings are fundementally different than those of a potential partner, that can spell disaster for the relationship.

 

sorry! wasn't trying to start a drugs are good or bad feud...and I agree with your second paragraph...

[rocio]

I know that if one person smokes weed in a relationship with someone who doesn't, it can cause problems.

 

 

This was never a problem in my relationships. I never dated a guy who smoked, and I smoked daily.

 

But then again, if you are going to be bothered by it, then it might be a dealbreaker for you. If it really bothers you, then you need to let her know. At that point, its her choice to either avoid drugs and maintain the relationship, or risk the relationship in order to have the freedom to explore the things shes interested in.

[Momene]

As I've never taken weed or anything else illegal, I'm curious to know how much a month it costs a user (rather than an addict). In the UK, if you visit the pub every night and drink 2 pints of beer (not excessive) you'll spend over 120 pounds (240-ish dollars) a month. It's affordable if you're single and got no financial commitments but it's a lot to find if you're supporting a family.

 

As a comparison, my addiction (astronomy) costs about 15 pounds (30 dollars) a month, averaging out the cost of my equipment over the time I've been doing it and adding a bit for magazines. In my case, I've returned more than this to the family budget by writing.

[valiantv]

what is lacking in our relationship, that makes her feel she needs to fill it in with getting high on drugs!

 

Naahhh, that's like saying "What is lacking in our relationship, that makes her feel she needs to fill it in with watching television?"

[Momene]

Naahhh, that's like saying "What is lacking in our relationship, that makes her feel she needs to fill it in with watching television?"

 

... or my addiction to astronomy is because of a lack of fulfilment in life???

[Northalius]

I look at it as differently, because getting high is attempting to escape reality; and in reality, you're in a relationship with another person. Why would you want to alter your mind and escape that?

 

This is why it leads me to believing something is wrong or lacking in our relationship, if she were to want to do drugs while with me.

[shikashika]

I look at it as differently, because getting high is attempting to escape reality; and in reality, you're in a relationship with another person. Why would you want to alter your mind and escape that?

 

This is why it leads me to believing something is wrong or lacking in our relationship, if she were to want to do drugs while with me.

 

depends what drugs she takes... some drugs, actually feel like you have more clarity.

 

What upsets you about her escape from reality?... Do you think that would be a fun thing to do together?

 

People want to take these drugs because they enjoy it and enjoy the experience.

 

Its up to you, and I know i can't convince you...but perhaps you feel a little insecure that she's doing something you're not... or you can't connect with her, or share this with her and maybe that upsets you?

 

Are you like that in other aspects of your relationship? Does it upset you if she has friends you do not... or is involved in sports that you are not?

 

Personally, a lot of my interests (non-drug related!!) are my escape from reality... when I read, when I go to the gym, when I ride my bike, when i run... that is my escape from my dready job reality.

 

I still don't believe that doing drugs in any way means something is missing from your relationship or that she doesn't care about you... thats not the way I see it anyway.

 

have you ever thought about trying it just to see if you like it?

[Kumiko]

Smith 9108, first I want to say that your girlfriend is lucky to have you--from what I can see, you are nonjudgmental; you care a lot about her and are knowledgeable about the ramifications of drug use.

 

In my experience, it is impossible to have an open, intimate, trusting, honest, functional relationship with somebody who is on drugs. Even if that somebody only uses drugs sparingly. Drugs change you--it's like there's this invisible barrier between you and everybody else who doesn't use drugs. I've seen this with my father (he had a cocaine problem that almost killed him), my sister (she started doing meth when she was 12), my boyfriend, and myself (I'm in recovery now)--all of us changed for the worse when we were on drugs.

 

I can say with certainty that if she decides to start smoking weed again, it will harm your relationship with her, no doubt. There will be a distance between you that wasn't there before. As it is, it seems like you and your gf must communicate well. Otherwise, she might not have even told you that she was considering using drugs. Tell her that you appreciate her honesty, and also that you want to preserve the emotional intimacy you have with her. But you don't want to be around drugs, and if she's on them, that means you won't be able to be around her.

 

This sounds like a really rough situation. I hope, for your sake and hers, she decides against using drugs. You are really helping her by sticking firm to your no-drugs stance. You might also want to check out Al-Anon if you want some support--it's a 12 step support group for anybody who has been affected by someone else's drinking (but I find it works just as well for drugs): link removed

 

Good luck--take care of yourself.

[EvaGina]

I think she has the right to experiement.

If she is going to start smoking weed regularaly, or do it around you, then yes, its a problem, but hte odd smoke never hurt anyone.

 

As for acid and E... I staunchly stand behind anyone who wants to try anything... sampling everything that life has to offer is a good thing... as long as she does it as safely as possible, I dont see what the problem is.

[Momene]

I look at it as differently, because getting high is attempting to escape reality; and in reality, you're in a relationship with another person. Why would you want to alter your mind and escape that?

 

This is why it leads me to believing something is wrong or lacking in our relationship, if she were to want to do drugs while with me.

 

You can be in a great relationship but if you have no friends, work/school is crap and your health is poor, you will still have plenty to escape from.