Advice Needed

[bozman44]

All:

Please give me some advice. My finacee (due to be married in April) dropped the bomb on me 2 day before Christmas. She called off the wedding and is planning on moving out. Good (or bad thing) is that she can't move out for another 4 weeks. She is living in my house. We have pets, furniture and house things that we bought together. We were starting our life together. She cares about me very much, worried that I'll be ok and such. We still sleep in the same bed. She still gives me hugs and kisses. Her main reason for the breakup is that it just doesn't feel right in her "gut". A couple of other comments were that I was not social enough and that I was always here (at home). She is 42 and I'm 39. She has an 11 year old girl that she has partial custody of, who spend a couple nights a week here. She is also working and going to school full time. What can I do or what should I do in 4 weeks to save this relationship?

 

Thanks...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not so sure you can save it unless she wants it to be saved. You are who you are. Suddenly changing things to salvage the relationship will only be a bandaid solution. Her excuses sound a bit lame. There is more going on than meets the eye and she is not telling you the whole story. You might want to sit down and have a real heart to heart talk with her to find out what the real issue is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I knew someone who said she would never approach a guy because it was too forward and then they wouldn't think much of her....on the other hand, she acted like a skank so plenty of men approached her!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oops, somehow that last post ended up in the wrong thread. Sorry about that.

[saint_saul]

Crazy's right -- her excuses are incredibly lame. She called off the wedding.. have you guys had a serious conversation as to "why" yet? Is the only issue at stake you being anti-social, or it doesn't feel right in her gut? I think you should probably have another talk to find out specifically what is going on. Four weeks is a lot of time and it's possible that she'll end up changing her mind. Maybe after having that talk, you should give her some space (as much as possible while still living together) and reflect over her/the relationship. Sometimes couples just need some time apart to see the bigger picture and renew good feelings. It sounds like she might be stressed over a couple of things like work and school.

[ladyeve]

Yes, invite her to talk about the situation with honesty and compassion. Tell her you respect her gut feeling. It's very mature of her to trust her intuition - it's not lame by any means. What is lame is your sleeping arrangement and the fact that she's still affectionate towards you. Let her know that she's hurting you more that way. If she's determined to end the relationship, she needs to stop acting like your finacee still and start getting a taste of what it is like without you around.

 

But the most imporant task right now is to ask yourself honestly if you want to save the relationship because you love her or because you don't want to be alone? Four weeks might not be long enough to figure out the truth there. And the current living situation does not help! Is it possible for you to move out for a while, so you two can clear your heads separately?

[Shaker]

I'm also not sure how best to respond to someone's gut reaction. Thanks to Oprah's show, the "doubt is a girl's best friend" motto seems to be taking off perhaps with unfortunate consequences! Yes, being in touch with your intuition is important, but why does her intuition overrule yours? I'm sure your gut is telling you she's the woman you want to spend your life with...

 

I agree with the other posters. She needs to have time to think about her 'gut reaction' and articulate for you what her reasons are behind it.

[bozman44]

She is stressed. But, here's one more thing that will shine some light on the situation. She was involved in a very bad relationship about 4 years ago. Hurt badly. She has walls up as high as the sky. She made the comment once to me "that when she feels her walls are coming down, she feels like running away". I feel she is running. She does come accross as a cold person becasue of this. But, I do see potential in her. Everyone has told her she is leaving a good thing that I'm the right guy for her. Especially since they've seen the other men she has dated. I found out today that the move out date is January 13th. Much sooner than I thought. Unfortunately, I feel I'm going to have to let her go. I've talked to her and again, I can get nothing other than I don't have something she is looking for. What that is she can't say. She is not willing to settle unless she has the complete package. I'm only 99%. As far as talking anymore, I can't. I feel I've already made her crazy by the questions I've already asked and the tears I've cried. She is the one who trusts her gut more than her heart or brain. And seriously, our relationship has been wonderful. This just came out of the blue. I don't believe there is any other man. She wants to remain good friends with me, of course. But, I'm thinking after the 13th and as much as I'll miss her, I will start the NC. Of course to heal me, and give her "her space". I'll have hope, but I won't stop living.

[evening_light]

All:

She cares about me very much, worried that I'll be ok and such. We still sleep in the same bed. She still gives me hugs and kisses. Her main reason for the breakup is that it just doesn't feel right in her "gut". QUOTE]

 

 

Sorry to hear that Bozman....but she lost some interest in you...

 

Best thing for you is to disappear for a while, I know it's hard you still living with her, but if you want her back the way it was, you have go NC (no contact), no talking, no reply.... let her miss you,maybe her feelings will come back. Can you maybe stay at someone else place for a while?...

 

It's easier for you considering she has an 11 year old child....you have to remember, having a child regardless how many hours or days their with you, is very stressful....

 

Time has a funny way of healing, but time and faith are your friend...