Ex Emailed, Should I Respond?

[rimshot22]

I've been NC for 4+ months and my ex emails me a "merry xmas" message along with a job opportunity she thought I'd be interested in. 4 months of NC, twice asking her not to contact me, and now this? Is she just missing me because of the season? I can't stand it that she still feels she has the right to just check in with a note. What she may deem innocent, I see as disrespectful. I didn't respond, but hearing from her makes me miss my best friend. I don't miss the relationship anymore, but I really do miss her friendship....what should I do?

[annie24]

are you interested in the job opportunity?

 

and it is kind of odd that after 4 months that she assumes you don't have a good job already, or that you haven't found something similar.

[friscodj]

From the tone and content of your post, and if a "Merry Christmas" message has you this rattled, you have a ways to go before you should consider friendship with her. You guys are pretty obviously at different places with this.

 

You miss her friendship. That's sweet. Now suck it up. In a perfect world, we'd all be friends, but this is real life and you are not ready for friendship with her yet.

 

Also, no one is forcing you to read her emails. In the future, if you get a contact from her, I'd think about deleting it before reading it for the sake of your own sanity.

[Boughs]

frisco is the MAN for advice. Everything he said I agree with 100%

 

Cool that you miss her, but honestly, forget even thinkin about contacting her. Let it go, let her think about what she was doing contacting you.

 

As far as the job opportunity, would you be willing to have to deal with sexual tension every day of work? You take that job and things mess up, you got a mess to deal with.

 

Up for the adventure? perhaps, but personally, I got enough things to deal with.

[EvaGina]

I've been NC for 4+ months and my ex emails me a "merry xmas" message along with a job opportunity she thought I'd be interested in. 4 months of NC, twice asking her not to contact me, and now this? Is she just missing me because of the season? I can't stand it that she still feels she has the right to just check in with a note. What she may deem innocent, I see as disrespectful. I didn't respond, but hearing from her makes me miss my best friend. I don't miss the relationship anymore, but I really do miss her friendship....what should I do?

 

No, I would say read it, never dont read an email... I have hung up on exes before when they were trying to tell me somthing serious.

 

But just email her back "Im sorry, although I appreciate and return your good wishes, I did ask you to not get in touch with me. I am not ready to have any contact with you at the moment"

Then again, if my ex emailed me I would rip him a new one.

 

if she gets all shirtty, just let her be a cow... you dont need to talk to her

and about missing friendship... there are MILIONS of people you can have meaningful friendships with without all the tension stuff...

[rimshot22]

Thank you for the solid advice everyone. Sometimes I find I just need a swift kick in the butt to put me back on track. Annie, I do have a good job, she knows this....I just have summer's off and she was emailing me about summer work. Frisco, thanks for the blunt advice. You're right 100%. I've been strong about NC all but once during the past 6 months (I responded to an email she sent-over-responded, actually).

 

I just can't figure out why she feels the need to contact me after all this time. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 6 months and the only contact has been over email (once). I suppose the job opportunity email she received along with the time of year made it a convenient way to contact me....but seriously, WHAT'S THE POINT? It frustrates me because I still want to respond, I still care, part of me still wants her. Pretty much all of yesterday was spent fending off urges to text or email her. I keep telling myself that I deserve someone who will put me 1st in their lives and that she couldn't do it but why do I still miss her?

[finewhine]

Ack, Rimshot. I've found myself in a similar situation as you have.

 

Seriously, everyone has given you very solid advice here. Just don't respond to her. It will get better, I promise.

[friscodj]

I just can't figure out why she feels the need to contact me after all this time. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 6 months and the only contact has been over email (once). I suppose the job opportunity email she received along with the time of year made it a convenient way to contact me....but seriously, WHAT'S THE POINT? It frustrates me because I still want to respond, I still care, part of me still wants her. Pretty much all of yesterday was spent fending off urges to text or email her. I keep telling myself that I deserve someone who will put me 1st in their lives and that she couldn't do it but why do I still miss her?

 

Hey Rim-

 

You ask good questions my friend, questions I have asked before in my situations as well.

 

Why is she contacting you? What's the point? Well, we can speculate all day and all night but the core of the reason is that she thinks you're a good guy. She was probably thinking about you, maybe something reminded her of you (perhaps the spirit of the holiday season motivated her to reach out, perhaps the job opportunity, or perhaps that was just an icebreaker), and she decided to nonchalantly send an email. There's probably no rhyme or reason to it, she probably just wanted to see how you are doing because like I said before you are a good guy, you deeply impacted each other's lives, and she thought enough time had passed where you guys could reconnect. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of two good people not speaking again after a relationship, perhaps it is unsettling for her, perhaps she feels some guilt associated with that, wants to breathe a sigh of relief knowing everything is cool between you two. But like I said before, sometimes that's how it works.

 

Bottom line, it was probably motivated by passing curiosity or fleeting motivation of some sort. If it is more...you'll hear more from her...I guarantee it...

 

At any rate, she'll likely never forget you or what you had together, but until you are on more solid emotional ground with all of this, this should all stay in the past...not the present or the future. Until contacting her becomes a passing thought for you too, leave it be. Friendship has no timeline, but your healing process does...

[rimshot22]

Frisco,

 

Thanks for the grounded advice; perhaps you should go into counseling??? All kidding aside, I've worked very hard over the past 6 months at avoiding playing the "what if" game-analyzing her words, actions, etc. and am interested in your theory that if she wants more, I'll hear from her. Do you think that's universally true, or dependent on the person? Knowing her and her aversion to risk and avoidance of any potential negative confrontation I don't think it would be true for her. I pretty much laid it down to her point blank that we couldn't be friends or commmunicate in any way. I told her only to contact me if she knew what she wanted and was clear about it or if someone got hurt, etc.

 

From your experience, have you ever met anyone who is afraid to go after what they want for fear of failure? That's her. You're absolutely right that I'm not ready for contact because it has been 4 months and a two line email with no emotion can set me off on playing these thinking games about what she wants (or doesn't want). It's a tough cycle to break out of....even after 6 months.

[Juliana]

I totally agree with Frisco. Unfortunately, some people seem to think they can just brush off any hurt they may have inflicted by quickly checking in and then they go off again, reassured that everyone in the world thinks they're as wonderful as they do....

 

Well, in reality, there are consequences to our actions, and if you handle a relationship or a breakup badly, sometimes the other person doesn't want to help you feel good about yourself anymore. She's going to have to wake up to that reality sooner or later, because you're right: It's disrespectful.

 

You told her to leave you alone; now use this to see her for what she is: Selfish and self-obsessed. She's not afraid of failure, imo; she's just a brat.

 

Excuse me if this sounds harsh, but I too have been assailed by the "hit and run" ex looking for who knows what...Probably I'm too angry about it to give decent advice, but I sympathize!

[friscodj]

Hey Rim-

 

The way I see it, if someone's fear of failure overrides their desire, whatever they desired wouldn't have been a fruitful endeavor anyway. Think about it. If she wanted to be with you but was too afraid to step up and face this fear, what would being in a relationship with her be like? You two have a disagreement, she's afraid to speak her mind for fear of breaking up, so she doesn't, her frustrations fester and she breaks up with you anyway.

 

Her propensity to let her fear of failure oversee her actions is a big obstacle she will need to overcome if she is to have a healthy and happy relationship with anyone. It is her problem, not yours, is something substantial, and will not go away with one decision to be with you.

 

Plus, she stepped up to the plate to end it. Don't forget that. I'm sure that was not easy for her to do either. Think about that...

 

Alas, you are still playing the thinking games with your latest post. That's cool, keep doing it. Think it out of your system, that's what I do. Just keep posting here and not to her...

[friscodj]

Excuse me if this sounds harsh, but I too have been assailed by the "hit and run" ex looking for who knows what.

 

"Hit-and-run" ex. I like that term. Very fitting, not only for sex but for attention, consolation, and a host of other selfish reasons as well.

[rimshot22]

Well, I've successfully held off replying to her email despite the fact that since her note 2 weeks ago she has been in my head constantly. Hasn't helped that I'm on vacation and don't have work for a distraction.

 

Why isn't breaking up/getting over an ex like a sickness? You're sick, less sick, then get better? Seems on days like today I feel so much worse than I did 3, 4, or even 5 months ago. All this from one short note. So she's thinking about me...great!!! Now she has me thinking about her....CONSTANTLY!

 

I've tried talking to the three people that really got me through the initial stages of the breakup but they don't seem to want to hear it. One just told me to deal with it, that it's over...move on. Perhaps I need a bit of that? I thought I was getting over it, but here I find myself, shedding tears once again over someone who doesn't deserve me.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Wimpy]

quickly checking in and then they go off again, reassured that everyone in the world thinks they're as wonderful as they do....

 

Oh my goodness how true I so agree with this (have you met my ex?? lol)

 

Anyhow as for the situation in the thread...if you asked her to not contact you isn't it somewhat disrespectful and rude of her to disregard this? If you asked her to contact you if she made up her mind what she wanted it doesn't seem as though that's what she's done - I'd say stick to NC and do what's best for you.

[rimshot22]

Wimpy,

 

I basically told her to only contact me if it was something important. Maybe I should have been specific (she needs help, someone's hurt/dead, etc.)? I guess I'm just frustrated because she used a stupid email about a job opportunity as a reason to get into contact with me. I just feel somewhat violated that she feels she can contact me with something so trivial...perhaps she thought she was being generous? Now I've had the two most miserable weeks of my past 4 months...just from one stupid email. Guess frisco is right, if something that small sets me off, I'm not ready for contact.

[scsavino]

\

Why isn't breaking up/getting over an ex like a sickness? You're sick, less sick, then get better? Seems on days like today I feel so much worse than I did 3, 4, or even 5 months ago. All this from one short note. So she's thinking about me...great!!! Now she has me thinking about her....CONSTANTLY!

 

 

This is so damn true. One day you feel ok .. never great, but ok. Then one day you feel like someone punched you in the chest. You cant sleep. You cant eat. You cant think about anything except what they did and how could they do it. You wake up and immediately you think of them.

Then some days, everything is smooth.

Stay strong.

It will get better.