Cutting...

[scarew]

I am still choosing to post in the pregnancy forum because of the connection I have made with the people who hang around here. Also because my cutting affects my health and intern my pregnancy.

 

I haven't done this since I was a teenager. I just can't cope right now. I feel like I have no other option. I make sure my "tools" are very sterilized. But I know how unhealthy this is. I am making an appointment with a personal counsellor (also couples counselling) next week, but I guess I am doomed to scratch up my arms for the rest of the holidays. I don't know what to do...

Please don't judge me.

[Hope75]

Hi Honey,

 

Your last line broke my heart:

 

Please don't judge me.

 

You said you you already are making an appointment for next week to see a counselor- do you have one that you can trust?

 

What's going on right now that is stressing you out and making you want to cut?

[BornToResist]

We won't judge you!!!!!! Aw!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a stressful time. I don't know what it's like to have the feelings you do...but I think it's a step in the right direction that you KNOW it's a problem and you're actively trying to get help for it. You seem to want to change it (and have in the past) so you are on the right track.

 

Holidays are stressful and everyone handles that stress differently (some people go to bed for a month, some drink til they don't know which way is up...) and you handle it differently.

 

I just don't think you're a bad person at all and it's SO good you're seeking help.

 

Keep us updated, okay?

[avman]

Take a couple of nice square ice cubes and crush them in your hand really hard when you get the urge to cut. It is VERY painful, but does not do any serious damage and you avoid the risk of infection.

 

Try also taking a large rubber band, putting it around your wrist, and then snapping it against the skin. Once again - painful without doing serious damage and no infection.

[justpaisley]

Hi there -

 

I don't know if you've gone to counseling yet, but if your counselor doesn't suggest anger management, ask about it. I was a cutter for 2 years, and the one thing that really helped me was learning how to manage my anger and stress. I haven't cut in nearly 5 years, because I'm more equipped to handle stress and anger.

 

However, lack of sleep has really taken a toll on me - I have a 6-month-old. I've come close to cutting a few times since he's come home because the lack of sleep was KILLING me and wreaking havoc on my emotions, but I was able to avoid it.

 

Please ask your counselor about anger and/or stress management literature or even classes. Big hugs to you, it's so hard ending the self-injuring cycle.

[denisemarie]

Please ask your counselor about anger and/or stress management literature or even classes.

I agree that anger manament might be a good idea. Sometimes people internalize their pain, anger, and frustration and it comes out as attempts to hurt yourself. I know that was the case for me as a child. I used to cut, hit, bang my head bloody just to get rid of the anger and pain I felt. I knew I would never hurt someone else, but it helped me to hurt myself. Fortunatly for me it got better as I got older and I began to use exercise as the way to vent, but even that I over due sometimes, especially during extremly stressful periods in my life. Talk to a counselor and friends, tell people your frustrations, get things out of your head, it is the only way you will be able to cope. Someone mentioned ice I thought that was a pretty clever idea, and it sure beats risking the infection from cuts. My heart goes out to you and I hope things get better soon.

[scarew]

Thanks guys,

 

Its been a few days and some of my scars are starting to heal. Over christmas dinner I had to tell everyone I had a bandaid on my arm from a burn from baking.

 

Thanks for the ice cube suggestion, I have been using that one for quite some time though. Ice cubes seemed to feed my problem rather than making it worse, and I just progressed to picking and cutting, deeper and deeper. I told my husband in a panick and gave him my razor blade. He was understanding of course, but also very firm. He reinforced the fact that I CAN'T do it because its NOT my body right now.

 

Its been about 4 days since I last cut. I will mention anger management to the counsellor, you may have a point there. Although I don't feel strong frusterating anger, I think my emotions are primarily angry hurt.

 

Seriously, there isn't anything MAJOR going on in my life that is causing this. Just regular old school stress, deadlines, holiday crap, money, well, I did have a friend close to me pass away a couple weeks ago, but I can usually manage these things.

 

I am convinced that I should not have gone off of my anti-depressants when I became pregnant. My GP told me it was better if I went off, but upon further research I think my pregnancy would have been healthier if I stayed on. Of course, its fine if your already on them, but you can't START them halfway through your pregnancy. That is when it can be more damaging.

 

Well, lesson learned. I am doing a little better I guess. I will keep you posted.

 

Thanks so much for your concern guys it brings a little tear to my eye.

[BornToResist]

Sounds like your husband may be perfect for you! That's sweet how understand he is.

 

I am not on antidepressants, but I have read a lot on prenatal stuff and it seems you're right. It's very risky to end medication especially when you're pregnant. It just seems that it would make it extra hard to deal with all the emotions and hormones you go though.

 

Anyways, keep us updated. Good luck with everything...

[Dilly]

Scarew, you seem to understand all the factors at play, the supportive and the destructive ones at least. Congratulations for being assertive about this to your husband and counsellor. Hubby sounds nice, I agree! Happy New Year - good luck getting beyond this. I think the rubber-band trick Avman suggested may suit you though.

[scarew]

Me and J had an argument yesterday and I wanted more than anything to cut myself when I was alone later on. I didn't. I just breathed it out i guess. I have been thinking about mentioning the anger management thing... you are probably right on the money.

 

I think I have a lot of anger toward my husband in this pregnancy. I know that he will be there for me when it comes to baby, but right now he doesn't look at me any differently than before I was pregnant. I don't feel like he respects the fact that I can't do the things I used to. It has been a very ill pregnancy, I still vomit everyday. And yet he still is too hard on me. Its just my opinion, I guess the counsellor will tell us how to fight more fair.

 

I feel like a B**** when I say, "I can't be around that drywall dust" or "Could you wait until Im not in the car to light that cigar". I think its his fault for making me feel guilty because of the reaction he gives me when I say these things. I wish I didn't know anything about prenatal health and I was just naive and thought I could be around everything I used to be.

 

I think this is where most of my anger is stemming from.

 

Thanks for listening to the rant.

[BornToResist]

Well that is certainly understandable!!

 

Guys have NO idea what we go through and that sucks. It's just common sense sometimes, you know?

 

Have you tried talking to him about this? Have you explained to him you feel this way because he's being a bit inconsiderate in your eyes?

 

Thumbs up to being a responsible mommy though!

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I know you feel very guilty about your urge to cut, but I think you are very conscious and responsible about it. You're pregnant and your hormonal balance is different than normally. I'd imagine that you are more easily affected by emotions like anger or resentment. Cutting was a 'tool' to divert pain in the past, and now that you are pregnant it is especially important to keep yourself healthy.

 

I have never been pregnant- let me just tell you that, but I hope this will help you a bit:

 

* to calm down better, start taking yoga classes for moms-to-be. A great way to meet other pregnant ladies as well!

* if you feel the urge to cut, try to find another way to channel the stress. Did you ever try rubberbands? They are pretty harmless and won't cause infections. I know it sounds silly, but I used it to stop anxiety attacks and it worked wonders. I had a band around my wrist, and when I could feel the negative thoughts spiralling down into anxiety, I'd stretch and let go. Yeah, ouch...

 

You will be fine girl. If things are a bit rough between you and your partner, open up when you are calm, and tell him you are more sensitive to things with the little one inside of you, and that it would help you heeps if he'd take your needs into account without you having to ask, etc.

 

Ilse