Holiday Grief

[itsallgrand]

I know I'm not alone in this.

 

Who do you miss?

 

Found myself crying in the MIDDLE of christmas shopping mayhem. Right in the aisles in front of young couples holding hands, old couples with the wives nattering to the hubby with loving nagging, little kids looking up at the cartoons on the big screens.

 

I was shopping alone, and it hit me hard. Who am I now? How has time gone by so quickly?

 

I remembered Christmas' as a kid, when my father was still alive.

Man, I miss dad.

 

I remembered my grandfather and his newspaper wrapped presents. Always with a chocolate bar inside.

There was a man to teach what it is to be tolerant. How did I forget?

 

I remembered skating and hot chocolate on the lighted skating path with my first love.

Believing in eternal youth and invisibility and bliss!

 

I won't bore you with the rest....

 

But shheesh - it almost felt like dying. The whole 'your life flashing before your eyes' thing.

And I couldn't hold back all the pain and all the love inside.

 

My heart had grown hard, my friends. Hard as a rock. It had to give at some time, right...why not with a cliche? lol. Life is ridiculous sometimes.

 

Two options:

Sit in a hole and feel sorry for yourself. Try to go back.

or Number 2

Embrace and take part in what you have, and be grateful. Share it all.

 

Folks, I'm really trying my hardest to go with Number 2. It seems like the only sensible choice...though, not easy of course.

 

Anyone else going through some serious holiday grieving of christmas' past?

This is new to me, and I'm starting to understand a bit better how there can be Scrooge's running about.

There are those running on automatic default, those in innocent bliss, those in pain and numb and scroogey.

 

The ex was so numb to holiday joy and my crazy fluctuations, never having had the experience AT ALL, that my attempts at making a joyful christmas deteriorated to a christmas driving around with a bottle of wine and arguing.

 

I didn't know what was wrong. He couldn't understand why I couldn't just shut it off. And somehow , I did shut it off, for a good long time more.

And I shut him off too, shut him out. My bad. His bad, too.

 

But now I get something I didn't get before. The walking wounded like to band together. It is safe. I gotta mourn that too.

He will come in his own time.

 

Big sigh. Happy holiday hugs guys.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am feeling kind of down with the holidays. I miss having a SO in my life but it's been over a year since my ex broke up with me. It's just hard to see people happy and laughing, and content with their SO and me, just alone, with my little piggies (I sound like the piggie lady ), nobody in my life, no friends, nothing except my family who usually makes the holiday a bit stressful for me.

 

Can't wait till the holidays are done and over with. If I could, I'd fast forward all this until mid Jan.

 

Itsallgrand, hope you feel better soon. Look at it this way, the holidays will be gone in a flash. It's 5 days till Christmas.

[Dako]

Big hugs.

 

The holidays can distill past emotions into heartache. Ho ho ho.

[BornToResist]

I know how you feel. For some reason Christmas is a huge month...always lots of deaths and births for my family.

 

Earlier this year my grandma passed away and it's hitting me hard at this time. My dad's side of the family would always have get-togethers, and I'd go to make others happy, but it would always be just me and my grandma hiding out in some corner trying to keep our sanity. She had tons of grandchildren...but the last time I went to her house, my picture was the only one on the fridge. She had pictures of me everywhere. *sigh*

 

My mom's mother died the day before Christmas a few years ago, and her father died the day after Christmas a couple years later. I try to keep her spirits up as well because all she wants to do is climb into bed and sleep through the holidays.

 

It's such a depressing time.

 

BUT I had a niece and a nephew born this month so there's things I can think about to keep my spirits up.

 

Enough of the bah humbug for me.

[redrose85]

it is rough, but I am just trying to remember who I do still have in my life, and I am excited to have my honey with me for our first christmas. hey ren- at least your piggies like you lol. mine hate me!

[Dako]

I lost a number of dear friends in the past two years, yet the one that haunts me is my dog. I sometimes feel her tail against my leg or hear her patrolling the house at 3 AM. Chokes me up.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

This will be the first Christmas without my father.

 

To me, from Thanksgiving to New Years Day, WAS my favorite time of the year. Now I just want to get it over with.

 

As a kid, an only child mind you, I was spoiled by my parents for Christmas. I enjoyed our holiday shopping together. We would go to a mall and buy everyone gifts, then dad would give me $100 to go wild in Toys R Us. Back then, action figures were $4.99, so imagine the booty I came out with. Then on Christmas Day, the tree would be loaded, and I mean LOADED with gifts.

 

Prior to Christmas Day, I would always watch Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, the Burl Ives classic. It was a tradition for me that I kept every year no matter how old I was. This year, I decided to go back and remember the past Christmases my father gave me, so I popped in that Rudolph DVD and began to embrace the tradition. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as Burl Ives started naming the reindeer (right before the opening credits) I started balling.

 

I got a taste of a down Christmas in 1984, when my grandmother passed away two weeks prior to Christmas. When I heard the news, I cried on my bed and they were playing A Christmas Story on TV, which to this day is another tradition for me. But I fear that I will cry just as much during that 24 hour marathon on TBS than I have all my life since the music during it will remind me of past Christmases.

 

I am sure that I will be in much better spirits once I get a woman drunk and marry her and raise my own family. I will spoil my children to no ends on Christmas just as my parents did. But for now, my family is tiny. It's just me, mom, my grandmother (father's mother obviously) and my aunt. Up until last year, we had dinner at our house. This year, it's Chinese food and MAYBE A Christmas Story.

 

Needless to say, I am lonely and sad as all hell.

[itsallgrand]

Listening. Sending hugs.

 

I am missing my step father the most right now. He passed away from cancer near Xmas the year before last. I haven't spoken about him much. In denial, to a point.

Now I miss him so badly and know it. He was always there for me. Strong, patient, loving and understanding.

Last year, I dealt with byatchiness and drinking as I alluded to earlier. I don't recommend it. Didn't even connect the dots of my moods and missing him at that point. Just numb...and tired...from life, I suppose.

This year it is all very real.

 

I'll be thinking of all of you, and feel honored to be able to share a little bit in your lives and those really important people and beings.

 

thanks for letting me talk about this, and for sharing.

[NKP]

I am sorry, i know its hard

 

My father died 5 years ago, and christman isnt the same any more, there are always fights, or my sister crying on my soulder drunk, tell me stuf about my father and how he tried to kill him self befor hand, and then me cring myself to sleep at night. I just hate this time of year

[Dilly]

Itsallgrand, the mourning band together for shelter, don't they? I really think I understand this now. I don't feel much like going to work Tuesday or continuing the way I have been. The pain of something missing is so real to me today, so unravelling, so unsettling, so oddly motivating. It makes me want to go home and live there until my parents pass. I really really love them, even though they get on my nerves at times.