Christmas Eve conflict.

[drum4god]

A few days ago I was a little upset with my girlfriend over where we are spending Christmas. I guess this is no uncommon, but it bothers me. I asked her to spend Christmas eve with my parents. We have it at my Aunt's and we have this great Christmas dinner. She said she wants to be with her Mom on Christmas eve. I understand and told her I didn't want to take that from her.

 

She is spending Christmas with her family, and I told her I would get her home early for Christmas eve. Its not like they are having a special dinner or anything. She said she just wants to stay home with her Mom. She said, no, but thank you for inviting me as if I am some stranger asking her on a date. I then asked her what are we doing for Christmas, she then said. "You are welcome to come over". I was upset, and told her it doesn't sound like you want me to be with you. Its as you can take it or leave it.

 

I told her we have been together a year, and I feel spending Christmas with each other is something you look forward to. She said she was sorry, but nothing more. I asked her "do see how it comes off", and she said yes, I didn't realize and I'm sorry. That is it. It annoyed me, because it just seemed like she didn't want to talk about it.

 

Anyway, I have to let it go. I mean if someone doesn't want to be there, I don't want them there, and I told her that. However, I am getting the feeling that this is somewhat selfish. She knows how much it means to me. I know if she really wanted me to be with her on Christmas eve, and it meant alot to her, then I would do it.

 

Am I overeacting. I mean there is nothing I can do, but it doesn't look to good, when she doesn't seem excited about spending time with me on the holidays.

 

I am not going to lie, we have had other problems, and perhaps if things were O.K. this wouldn't bother me, but it really is.

 

Its frustrating, because there is really nothing I can do about it. I spoke to her, and if I bring it up again, what purpose will that serve. It will just aggrevate her.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

If she is not willing to budge even though she knows how this comes accross to you, then there is nothing you can do about it. IMO, relationships are about compromise and if she is not willing to so ANY time of the year, then it is time to re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself, is this what you envisioned in a partner. If not, it is time to act accordingly.

[sophie274]

Personally I think you're over-reacting. Christmas is a family thing, and I think it's pretty normal that she wants to spend it with her mother, even if they're not doing anything special. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year (we are both 19) and I would definitely choose to spend Xmas with my family rather than his, just because we have a million and a half mini-traditions that might not seem important to anyone else, but for me, those things we do ARE Christmas, and it would just not feel right doing it differently.

[Beec]

When you are married you HAVE to make these decisions. When you are not, spend it with your own family and call her. I have never spent Christmas Day with a girlfriend, and I've had a number. A few might have visted on Christmas Eve, but still spent most time with their families.

[melrich]

When you are married you HAVE to make these decisions.

 

I was going to say similar because I have just been through a very similar conflict and we have kids so we have to compromise.

 

In your case, I'd just accept it as a family day and remove that cause of stress from your relationship. Most people if they have a choice want to spend Xmas with their family.

[chigal28]

My boyfriend and I are spending Christmas separately, as our families live so far apart and we both want to be with them on the holidays. We'll get together for New Year's.

 

I've read a few of your past posts, and it seems like (as you rightly acknowledge) there are other issues in this relationship, and her not seeming as enthusiastic as you'd like about seeing you on Christmas is, to you, more a symptom of those greater issues.

 

I'd suggest backing off a bit--she wants to see her family at Christmas, and that's perfectly natural and understandable. It's also understandable that you want to see her, as well. But from how I read your posts, the two of you are still figuring out what it means to both of you to be a couple, and the holidays can put some real pressure on *any* couple. See if she might want to meet up with you later in the evening on Christmas; are you planning to exchange gifts?

[Beec]

I was going to say similar because I have just been through a very similar conflict and we have kids so we have to compromise.

 

In your case, I'd just accept it as a family day and remove that cause of stress from your relationship. Most people if they have a choice want to spend Xmas with their family.

 

Yes, and I think kids change the equation. I think kids aged from 3 to 10 or so (when they stop believing in Santa) should wake up in their own house. Let everyone else come to them or have them travel before or after opening presents Christmas morning.

[drum4god]

Thanks everyone,

 

I guess you are right. I don't want to make this a big issue. Again, its probably has to do with other issues. Its a year, and I still really don't know where I stand in her heart. I guess I am taking her not being with her family as her rejecting me, and that may not be the case.

 

I just have to accept and not let it ruin my Christmas. We will see each other Christmas so that won't be bad.

 

I just want to have a great Christmas with a woman I love. That is something I have longed for all my years. I have been in many relationships and its either I am with someone I don't love, and vice versa. Its so frustrating.

 

I am 37 years old. I have been with many women and still have not been in a 2 way relationship, where both parties are in love. I have had moment in this relationships where it was both ways, and unfortunately that is what keeps me hanging around. Its like you get a taste and you want more, but it seems so elusive.

 

It is as she dangles the carrot. When she broke up with me, and I went on with my life she e-mails me telling me how much she missed me and had feelings. She breaks up with me a month ago, only to call me back at work the next day telling me she loves me. She prays with me every Monday, and she prays that nothing our love would grow and that our relationship would grow strong. She is real affectionate with me, and I get sucked in and then when I respond with the same affection (ie, telling her how much I love her, giving her more attention, and love) she backs off.

 

Its cruel, but I am allowing it. I am sure she is trying. I don't think she is doing this on purpose, but I am getting to the point where I am going to leave. I have given her every chance to leave. I told her if you are not in love, let me go. I have told her if you are not happy with me, go. But she can't go. WHY?

Does she really love me and is scared? Or am I just there until someone better comes along.

 

I am sorry for the vent. I am getting frustrated. I will enjoy the holidays and then I must talk to her.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Who does her mother have? I can see why she might pick her Mom over you if she's going to be alone while you are obviously going to have lots of people around.

[heloladies21]

I gave you some of this advice in a previous thread, but the 1st thing you need to realize is that if this is a trend that has never been broken in all of your relationships, you need to change something with your apprach and views on relationships in general. Until you get to the point where you see a need for change, all of this this is passive aggressive complaining which gets you 100% nowhere.