Silentlyfor Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Yesterday, because of a room mate quarell that got out of hand... My best friend just told me off, called me a loser, told me to leave myself for dead and decided that I was not going to be his friend or the friends of anyone in our circle. They were the only real friends I had. I have no friends and I am alone now. Also, I think I have a chronic problem keeping and staying close to people. Even people I've know for years whom I've forage strong and lasting friendships with I seem to sever for petty reasons. My friend above told me I'm too selfish and childish and I care only for myself. I'm starting to think he has a point. This is the second time in my life I've severed myself from a close group of friends and I think I have a serious problem. I don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Hi There, I am sorry about the fight with your friends. I think it's very wise of you to look inside to see if there is any truth to what you friend said, since this has happened to you before. The first step is looking to see if there is truth to what they have said, and then considering what you can do it about it. In what ways do you think you might be selfish, and putting yourself first? Any ideas on how to change that? Make a list- and see what you come up with. Also, what was the room mate fight about? Must have been pretty serious to cause such a blowout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silentlyfor Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 Well. It started with cleaning. We both thought the other didn't clean enough. Since this was the final straw for me(And I have to admit, I don't like living with him. He makes me miserable), I said, "I'm moving out." Then he went off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charley Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Sorry. This is exactly why you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Try to have more than one friend in the future and spread yourself around a little. This is also exactly why I generally do NOT introduce one of my friends to another. I like to keep my relationships compartmentalized. That way if something goes wrong with one friend, no matter who's fault, it does not affect my relationships with my other friends. Also, one friend might not like another friend. You don't want a situation where your friends fight with each other. Keeping them apart prevents problems. The exception to that is my work friends since they all already know each other. So there's no way, and no need, to keep them apart. I have enough friends to help keep me stable and not have the torment you are going through now. If I had a break up with one friend, it would hurt, but it wouldn't crush me since I'd still have the others. Also, keeping my friendships compartmentalized and not introducing one to another is I think one reason why I have some very longterm friendships going back 5, 6, 10+, 20+, and even 30+ years. I'm preventing group dynamics from affecting my one on one relationships to the extent possible. One on one relationships with friends are great because they are powerful relationships. However, that power can be very painful when a breakup with a friend occurs. That is why it's crucial for your emotional and mental stability to have more than one close friend, and ideally keep them apart by not introducing them. i.e. - you can't end up odd man out if they don't know each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charley Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Oh ya. Just because people are friends does not mean they are suited for living together as roomates. Perhaps after one of you moves out, then absense will make the heart grow fonder. Maybe the best thing for your friendship is to see less of each other. That would also give you the opportunity to make more friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silentlyfor Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 See... I can agree with that, but that sounds a bit seclusive and, if you don't mind me saying, possesive and paranoid. I know this would save me a lot of pain in the future, but would that limit the number of people I could keep close to my heart? On the other hand, as we get older, we seem to know fewer and fewer people that are still close to us. This rationale might fly given the way friendships seem to work in adulthood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 I want to commend you for asking yourself some hard questions about your abilities (to date) to forge lasting connections with people. Many people would never ask themselves these questions, they would instead angrily withdraw and externalize all their issues and problems on others. In other words, this indicates a significant change for the better of your growing maturity. My suggestion if you value this friend is to talk to him. Tell him you've been thinking about what he said, that you don't want to lose him as a friend, but that even if he is serious about not staying friends with you, you want to ask him to do one last thing for you as a friend: to tell you how you can be a better one. And then let him do so. Don't interrupt, don't defend yourself, just listen. And then thank him for doing this favor for you. Personally, I think this will thaw his feelings at some point, but it will also tell you what you need to hear, even if it's delivered in a way that will require all your patience to have a thick skin to listen to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 What Scout said. Totally. Heh. I can relate well. The ticket is to go back to them after the blow-out. Listen. Keep your mouth shut as much as possible. Except to clarify by asking questions. Really truly listen. And thank them for telling you. Own what is yours. It could be very cathartic. You can do it. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silentlyfor Posted December 17, 2006 Author Share Posted December 17, 2006 That sounds like a good idea... but I think I need to let him cool down first... Let the blood dry so to speak. I'm still leaving the townhouse as I think it would be the best for both of us. I think we both need time first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 Consider what he said, if hes right at all... then try to change whatever you are doing to push people away. That said, if it was something petty... then you need to consider the fact that he was never your friend in the first place, or that said friends were not worth having in the first place. Also what right does said friend have to say that you cannot associate with your 'circle of friends' If they dont want to hang out with you fine, but they have no right to say anything about anyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 I just got that very recently. My bestfriend called me an inconsiderate b. That hurts a lot, but I also realized that there's also a lot of truth in it. I've been working on it, trying to consider other people's feelings. Goodluck with yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silentlyfor Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 It's better now. We've spoken and I'm still moving out to save whatever friendship we have left. I think everything will be ok as long as the move goes of without a kitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barbie16 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 i have had a similar situation i dated a guy who was my friend first who i met through my best friend. bcos we had a REALLY bad ending my best friend now hates me and its affected me badly im depressed and miss him all the time. the decisions i made were stupid and irresponsible so i know its my falt thereforeeee dont feel i even deserve forgivness. they still occasionally contact me to say mean things and they often slag me off behind my back. basically all ive done is create myself a new life, with new ppl new job. i dont reccomend this until you feel you are ready though i hope things work out x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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