Why Do I feel this way?

[iceman85]

Hello everyone, through some self reflection I feel like I care way too much sometimes and often will feel underappreciated/unloved.

 

For example just last week I gave a girl that I saw over the summer and a girl that likes me a surprise bouquet of flowers for her birthday. She works with me, so i showed up at work with them to surprise her. She was very surprised but very happy. She feels like she cant be with me because her mother doesnt like me. That has led to use kind of being in an akward middle ground after the initial period of going out.

 

Anyway, I do this for her and she tells me its the nicest thing anyones ever done, that she cant thank me enough. That was all the same night. That was the last I heard of it though. I felt like what I did wasnt appreciated. I feel like I spent a signifigant amount of time planning it and putting effort into it. Yet all I got was a few thanks yous. I know it was appreciated but I cant shake the feeling I have of being underappreciated.

 

 

Another example is with this same girl. She tells me she loves me and that she really wants to be with me but it sucks that her mom doesnt like me so much because im older. Then she will turn around and hook up with other guys. This makes me feel like again I am not appreciated and that I am just being messed with.

 

This happened with another ex of mine. I would always try to show her I loved her by doing little things for her. She would never reciprocate. I discussed it with her and she said she had a hard time doing things like that. I accepted that for awhile but still felt like she didnt love me. She did eventually do things but I never felt like it was enough. I also thought she didnt love me when she would talk about how hot certain actors were or how hot some guy she saw was.

 

I also would feel like I was always at risk of losing her when she hung out with other guys, I always felt that she would do something with someone else. So I worried alot about that. I guess I didnt feel comfortable with myself.

 

Anyway my question to you all is what can I do about these feelings, why am I feeling this way? I really would like to fix these issues but I am not sure how to.

[CarnelianButterfly]

What do you expect a girl to do in return for a bunch of flowers?

 

Really think about it... You aren't dating, she's with other men, and picking up flowers isn't that big a feat. She said "thank you", what else can she do?

[robowarrior]

Look, first thing you have to realise life is a rigged roulette play, so if you give things simply in order to gain something back you'll always lose. Reality is that we live in a world that is filled with darkness and hatred, and that we are supposed to bring love and light into this world. Please understand that its the giving that is the blessing, not receiving the thank you back.

 

What you basically want is that others make you happy and not just any kind of happyness, the auto-instantanious happyness. unfortunately life doesn't work that way. You can see it all around you, people don't seem to care to much but do enjoy it when someone brings them flowers or other types of happyness , and the other remark of 'she tells me its the nicest thing anyones ever done, that she cant thank me enough' shows that this is true, otherwhise she could name a bunch of people who'd brought happyness in her life.

 

Look , there's nothing wrong with you, you are doing all the right things (exept one which i will explain) , and you shouldn't change, by god don't ever change the world needs MORE people like you, who are kind to others, however you need to understand that you need to be like a castle gate , opening yourself to good people/things/events and closing yourself to bad people/things/events, this because you are having the feeling that your kindness is being abused, and you honestly have to learn that its ok to be kind, but not in the process of destroying yourself.

 

Dear Iceman,coming back to that one thing, what you need to do is to be favorable in her moms eyes. For starters, send her mother a very nice christmas card, if possible attend the new years dinner, if possible attend the new years eve, try to bring things in the life of her mother so she can see past the age gap and will allow you in the life of her daughter.

[heloladies21]

Lots of problems here my man, but at the base of it is you need to stop trying to be a people pleaser in order to win their affection because it is very transparent. People see right through it that the only reason you're being nice to them is that you want them to be nice to you. The world doesn't work this way as people (girls) want to interact with guys who don't act like this because you are a dime a dozen. I mean think about it, why is this chick all over these guys? You think it's because they're nicer than you? No, they're just being real. So really, drop the nice guy routine. It's only hurting you in the end.

 

Her mom had nothing to do with her not wanting you by the way. She just isn't interested in you and is using her mom as an excuse just so she doesn't have to feel guilty.

 

And your insecurities, although well founded because you do have some work to do before you can get to the point where you will have a successful long term relationship, are only working to your detriment. Showing insecutities in this way has been proven to push girls away. A better way would be to have the natural reaction of getting upset when you get disrespected. If some girl I was talking to started talking about some other guy, I would rip her a new one. That's just not something you tell to someone who you're interested in and want to be interested in you. And if she's not interested in me, I need to know asap so I can stop wasting my time.

 

You really need to check your view on dating and girls in general dude. Your whole perception needs to change or else you will continue to have these feelings, get dumped/cheated on, and hearing "let's just be friend" or any one of the other "i'm not interested" excuses.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If some girl I was talking to started talking about some other guy, I would rip her a new one. That's just not something you tell to someone who you're interested in and want to be interested in you. And if she's not interested in me, I need to know asap so I can stop wasting my time.

 

If a guy is interested in a girl, attacking her for discussing other men isn't a good way to endear him to that girl. It says "I can't handle the fact that I'm not the center of your world" not what he should be saying "I like you, those guys aren't any good, lets go out"

[iceman85]

Ok, I think I need to explain some more. I understand the difference between being used and being cared about. I haven't always, it was a recent thing that I learned. This girl was not using me, she was genuinley into me because she was the one who really intiated us first getting together. She was touchy about the age. I told her that was fine but she didnt need to worry. She said she felt too inexperienced next to a guy like me because I was older and had experienced more. Plus her mother thought I was younger then I was because she told her mother I was younger so it wouldnt seem as bad. I think this is where the resentment comes from with her mother.

 

I have met her mother and I always make a good impression with girls parents That was never an issue.

 

I do not think she was using me, she would tell me she loved me and all. That she wanted to be with me but couldnt because she was afraid of the age difference, couldnt because her mom wouldnt allow it, couldnt because I am at college and we wouldnt see each other all the time.

 

Now what I am trying to really get at here is why do I feel like I need that constant showing of care towards me. Cant I just accept what is given to me? Why do I always feel its never enough?

 

I gave her the flowers because even though we havent been together, we both have still maintained our feelings for one another, we have both explicitly expressed that. I wanted to pull out the stops to show her that I did really care, and thats why I did what I did.

 

Done are the days when I give flowers or anything like that to a girl who could care less.

[Juliana]

"Now what I am trying to really get at here is why do I feel like I need that constant showing of care towards me. Cant I just accept what is given to me? Why do I always feel its never enough?"

 

This is a really, really good question. Which I don't have the answer to.

 

I know there are people who seem to always feel -- genuinely feel -- that they have been cheated of something that they need. No matter what they've got, it's just not enough. I know someone who has been to every continent except Antarctica and Australia. I said, you must feel good about all your travels -- you've been everywhere. But no. No, the whole subject just depressed him. He got quite grim, thinking about it. You see, he hasn't seen a volcano yet. The way he looks at it, there was no point, without the volcano.

 

It was sad, because it was as if all the fun of travelling to all those places was lost. I don't know why he feels that way, or why you also are unfulfilled from romantic gestures and simple thanks that are really, pure poetry. Maybe you really are unfulfilled, and are denying that to yourself -- maybe my friend really needs to see a volcano. Maybe though, there is something else going on, and asking the question is the best place to start to find out what.