“Exclusiveness”

[LeeAnna]

I've been wondering if women put more emphasis on the term “Exclusiveness” than men... I had a discussion with my boyfriend (friend) (lover)... I am not sure what to make out of him. We've been together for almost 1 year. We met online but have been together a few times as we are in two different countries; thereforeeee right now it is a long distance relationship. There's been chatting, speaking to each other almost every night and seeing each other every few months; even being intimate.

 

 

To make things clearer, he was married but after 10 years things weren't going well thereforeeee begun divorce procedures. This has taken almost a year and now papers are almost signed and completed. So yesterday I asked him if we were exclusive with one another as I felt I needed to know.

His answer was "I don't know if I can answer that at the moment". He couldn't give me a Yes nor a No. He says he is not emotionally ready but at the same time when I asked him if he wanted to take a break he said no. Says we're more than friends; calls me sweetie, babe, even girlfriend. He doesn't want 'us' to stop. Still wants to be intimate with me, yet can't be exclusive. Is he having his cake and it eating it too?

 

He says he likes me a lot, cares for me, finds me a wonderful woman and etc but says he cannot commit to me. Says he can't be exclusive but is not seeing anyone else.

 

Now I am wondering if I am putting too much energy into the whole “Exclusiveness” thing or not. Am I being too quick by asking this of him or should I set my limits; after all we've been sexual active together. Should I give him time to heal and put my expectations and/or needs a side. Or should I break it off with him?

 

What does “Exclusiveness” mean?? Some say it is when you decide not to see anyone else... Is “Exclusiveness” the same as "commitment"?

 

Maybe I am being selfish? However, I don't want to wake up later and realize that we'll never want the same things... and / or even get duped.

 

He also mentioned that we were going in the same direction but are not being at the same speed at the moment. How am I supposed to lower my speed? It is not like I can turn off a switch and shut my feelings for him.

 

Any thoughts would be nice to hear.

 

 

Last: Can you be boyfriend girlfriend and not be exclusive?

[SarahRose]

No, I don't think you can. He is keeping his options open. I would start dating other men.

[RayKay]

I would say that if he is saying he can't commit - he means it and is leaving his options open. Just from personal experience, I can't commit generally means they just can't to you for whatever reason.

 

I would say exclusive means not seeing anyone else, but I think you can be exclusive and not committed in your heart and mind... commitment is something that is a decision made inside, felt and followed 100% and is more than just not seeing other people.

 

I guess some people can be boyfriend and girlfriend (or call it so) and not be exclusive, but I would firstly wonder at their definitions and hope they both were on the same page in that resect.

 

Granted it is soon after the end of his marriage, and I guess it never was totally "over" either when you started dating (I don't condone that but what is done is done) so that may be part of it, but in my experience people generally want some time after a big event like that before entering another relationship.

 

I really think you may find that his timeline keeps getting longer and longer honestly....his words are common for those just trying to hedge their bets and keep options open.

 

A man whom wants you for himself, won't take the risk of losing you to someone else. Men put just as much emphasis on commitment and exclusivity with a person they are into as women do.

[RayKay]

P.S. and not seeing anyone else does not mean he HASN'T seen anyone else, or is not interested in seeing someone else....or open to seeing someone else.

[hosswhispra]

I think that he wants to keep seeing you and being intimate with you (i.e. keep things the way they are). But he also wants to be open to seeing others if the opportunity presented itself. It seems like right now, you may be the only woman in the picture right now. But again if someone were to catch his fancy tomorrow, he could also seek an interest in them and start dating them. That's how I interpret his answer.

[hosswhispra]

No, I don't think you can. He is keeping his options open. I would start dating other men.

 

Good advice. I recommend reading John Gray's Mars and Venus on a Date If it were me, I would probably stop the intimacy and date other men.

[Momene]

At the age he must be (having been married for 10 years) and you being going out nearly a year, I can't ever see him being ready to commit. It may be long distance issues, which don't help or a variety of things.

 

But don't spend too long in a relationship that's going nowhere.

[TheRedQueen]

Seeing how he's still married, I can safely say that you guys are not in an exclusive relationship.

[Siriana]

He's not that much into you - if he were he would commit.

 

Yes, commitment is important and no you're not beeing selfish by wanting that. You deserve it.

 

I would brake up with him this friendship or whatever it is as you said. HE's not deserving you. He's even too selfish to give up on this semi relationship - he wants you to be around but with no strings attached. I think he's asking too much and don't give him that.

 

Run away before you spend more time on him.

[LeeAnna]

His marriage has been over for two years; two years of separation and we met last year, thereforeeee he'd been single for more than a year when we met. As of recent he is now officially divorced. I understand that he is not ready to commit and to be honest I think it is too soon to ask him to give me more than he is capable of. He is not emotionally ready and has been through some bad times. I believe he needs to settle things in his head before he can commit.

 

For now, I am going to see how things develop and if I see no progress then it might be best for me to break things off with him. Question is how long should I give him?

[Siriana]

His marriage has been over for two years; two years of separation and we met last year, thereforeeee he'd been single for more than a year when we met. As of recent he is now officially divorced. I understand that he is not ready to commit and to be honest I think it is too soon to ask him to give me more than he is capable of.

 

Question is how long should I give him?

 

Sorry for quoting you but it's easier that way.

 

If he was single for a year before he met you and than was with you for a year I really think he is beeing selfish. Now, why would you be with someone for a year, having sex and than saying you're not ready. If you're not ready be single. Is it really necessary seeing someone 365 days before deciding you're not ready to be exclusive with that person? I think it is way too much time. In 365 days you can check how much you are compatible for a long term very serious relationship - but I think it is too much time not to be shure if you want to be exclusive with someone.

 

How long? Well not more than 3 months - under condition that he does all the calling. I would stop contacting him immediately to see what will happen.

[Batya33]

First, separated is "still married" - so by definition he cannot be exclusive with you.

Second, in all my serious relationships except one, the man brought up the idea of being exclusive early on. In the one exception, we were in our early 20s - I brought up the general "issue" after about 4 months, he brought it up after 6 months and from then on we were exclusive.

 

Third, while I'm not a big fan of labels, no you can't be bf/gf and not be exclusive and his label right now is "married man."

 

Fourth you've only been on a few dates with him total so I wouldn't consider this a one year relationship.

[LeeAnna]

I agree with what you said. Just to point out this is a long distance relationship, thereforeeee we have not been together 365 days together; not in the same city, country. Still we've been talking to each other pretty much every night. He does the calling - I don't, except if I am returning a call of his. So we've been together almost a year (1 year in Jan). But we've been really really together a few times {two long weekends as of today}, another one coming up in Jan.

 

Perhaps I should stick with the 'dating' label. We're dating. Seeing each other, speaking to each other every night and are not seeing anyone else {hence the exclusiveness}.

 

I know that he is scared of going through another failure because we do speak a lot about our feelings and he's told me that. I told him that like in anything you can never know how the outcome will be, yet you cannot compare each relationship either and assume that it'll go downhill after 1 year or 2 or 3. I also told him that if he put effort in 'us' that there might be a chance of it working; but if only one person puts effort and not the other than it'll be difficult for anything to work.

 

 

For now I am going to try to take it a day at a time / a month at a time but some progress needs to be there. As one mentioned in this thread perhaps 3 months is a good deadline.

[Momene]

How long to give him? 5 minutes!

[Dilly]

What does he offer you that you couldn't find in your own backyard? I mean, is he really that great? Do you really love him or is it more that he is putting you off? Careful not to go for the challenge of securing a man's interest.

[Alezia]

If you do feel like waiting out is your best option then you can do so... maybe the risks are worth it for you.

Statistically it has been proven that the person that is the 'rebound' out of a seperation/divorce is usually not the one they stay with in the long run. That doesn't mean it can't happen obviously.

If I were you, I wouldn't cut him out right away but I would start seeing other people aswell.

I can agree that even though you have been talking online for a year, a few days in real life is not much. If he doesn't step up his game... in atleast seeing you more after the divorce then it's not a good sign and cut him if you can't handle the feelings.

You don't want to be grieving over this in 2 years :S but I can understand that he might want some time for himself just because the divorce is official.

[whenamansloveisreal]

"exclusive means not seeing anyone else, committed in your heart and mind... commitment is something that is a decision made inside, felt and followed 100% and is more than just not seeing other people."

 

yup. no one who loves someone should have a problem with that - and trust should be easy - the only thing i would worry about is time and commitment. i was in a relationship once where she kept saying give me another 6 months, then another, and she wasn't doing anything during that time other than preparing herself to move on - so, i don't think i would ever do that again.

 

right now i am a canvas in searching of a painter - not someone who wants to look at the finished work but participate in creating new art. that's 2007 for me.