Parenting conflicts?

[BornToResist]

I haven't had my child yet (only 60 more days to go!) but I have a couple questions for all the parents out there.

 

How do you make parenting work between two parents?

 

I have an extremely different view on parenting as the father of my baby. He also already has a daughter so I'm afraid he's going to be a know-it-all, while I'm going to become defensive and try to over-control the situations.

 

I just wanted a little feedback as to how to make it happen? What do you do when there are two completely different views on a subject? What if your partner does something that you feel is completely innapropriate? How do you handle it?

 

I'm so concerned already.

[Dilly]

A great question, to be sure. Glad you are bringing it up. I think that where there are fundamental differences in terms of parenting, you should be happy you are the custodial parent. Not saying that you should exercise that power without just cause, but on matters of safety, value reinforcement, social influence (avoiding bad ones most importantly), I see this as necessary leverage when it comes to R-.

 

Otherwise, a little compromise (give and take).

[BornToResist]

He's the type to let a baby cry and try to put it on a schedule and all that, while I'm the lovey-dovey I'll hold you whenever you want type.

 

We're certainly going to butt heads, I'd put money on it.

[southerngirl]

About 'crying it out' I have never just let my baby cry.

 

Try to talk to him about views now before the baby is here. If there is something you are firm on say so and draw the lines now, so that later on its no surprise how you feel about issues.

 

Example: I made it known early on that I do NOT BELIEVE in spanking, slapping hitting tots. I know that some people do but I dont and forbid mr from doing it.

 

This is a good question and I think many have encountered this. Where parents disagree on things with the kids. Its not a bad thing really just try to work it out so that you discuss things, and if he feels differently really listen to why he feels that way. Try to have these discussions outside of the baby/childs earshot too. You dont want them to hear you discussing their discipline and/or issues... it can really weigh on a kids self esteem. When possible these things should be saved for when they are sleeping, outside playing, etc Co-parenting isnt easy, but it can be done with a good line of communication.

 

You are the mom though and even if he tries to be a know-it-all with your baby, you can say 'im the mom'. Its just what mothers have done since the dawn of time.

[Dilly]

You are the mom though and even if he tries to be a know-it-all with your baby, you can say 'im the mom'. Its just what mothers have done since the dawn of time.

 

I love it!!!

[BornToResist]

I like it too. There's really no argument left in that case.

[sonjam]

As your child grows older, you should really try to get agreement with your man for how you want to raise the child, and what kind of dicipline you are going to use. Kids learn very quickly to play the parents on each other, if they even see as little as a crack in the parental front armour....

 

I think it could turn into a real nightmare then, and it's not that far off....by 2-3 years they already learned the skill of manipulation (in a sweet way) but toddlers are the most important people in their own lives, and they will do what it takes to get what they want. Being able to deal with it in itself is a challenge, having another parent pull the other way will cause a nightmare!

 

Good luck!

[Dilly]

Yes, I see this happening quite a bit with a four year old I care alot about. Her maternal grandparents are almost going out of their way to teach her manipulative tactics (whether intentional or not) by caving into her every request and laughing when she acts like a spoiled brat. I don't like it. Then, the parents have routine tugs of war in front of the child. It's not good.

[BornToResist]

See!!! Ah co-parenting is going to be so difficult. The father of my baby had an awful childhood and is making it up as he goes along, while I had a very good, loving one and I have a clear guideline on how it should be done.

 

I'm afraid he's just going to start in and I'll be tempted to just pick up my baby and save him but on the other hand, you're not supposed to undermine the other parent in front of the child.

 

If everything else didn't kill our relationship, this definently might do it.

 

THEN there's the grandmas...my mom will say "oh no honey, you can have a cookie" even if the parents tell the kid no right before...and the other grandma has told her granddaughter she looked "homeless" one day that I let her dress herself (she looked a little funky, but pretty darn adorable).

 

I don't know how I'm going to pull this off.

[Dilly]

Yeah you are. These concerns are ones that you can at least address gradually with your parents. You know, my brother and his wife just essentially put their foot down early and keep their distance from bad influences. You have a ways to go and one thing everyone has been telling me is that advice is one of the hardest things you will have to deal with as a parent. I think taking R- to a parenting class might be helpful or reading over a book together a few nights a week or something.

[Dilly]

I had a discussion with my R about raising a child and we both have different expectations. He wants her to make straight A's and I don't want to push that on any kid, especially since grades are often awarded on purely subjective means. Honestly, he didn't make straight A's. I didn't make straight A's. So why push the kid to? Yes, I want to teach them discipline and focus, but... anyway, I'm not worried about it.

[BornToResist]

I know exactly how you feel Dilly, and I'm glad you're in the same boat as me (yet again!). I was pushed to get straight A's and I did...until I completely rebelled and dropped out of school. Pushing kids in that department only works sometimes, but it is important to a certain degree. See? Hard to tell where to draw the line, ya know?

 

There's a lot of good in R's parenting...I know a lot of what I wrote is bad, but he's not entirely horrible. I vent about the VERY WORST of our relationship, but those instances are few and far between (better not be with my kid though, I'd blow my top). Anyways, it's obvious that we have different expectations of what a child should act like I guess.

 

His daughter is SO well behaved and super smart, yet I seem to be the only one that sees how she's not putting in an effort and doing horribly in school and isn't allowed to act her age. (Not surprising when her mom just takes her out of school whenever she wants, doesn't let her bring her homework over, etc.)

 

The more I think about it though, R is very receptive and listens to what I have to say EVERY time. If his daughter disrespects me or I have a question as to what he wanted me to do with her, he'll sit down and have a discussion with me. Also sometimes he asks me if he was too harsh and wants me to speak up if I see an improvement that can be made on his parenting.

 

It just seems different because this is going to be MY baby.

 

He already said there's absolutely no way he'd EVER raise his hand to his child (he was beaten severely as a child, I'm talking 3 dislocated shoulders starting at the age of 3 or 4...) so we're on the same wavelength somewhat.

 

I just know kids are spazzes and I think it sucks that his daughter always has to be on her best behavior. Maybe he'll calm down some after having his SECOND kid...his hands will be more full.

[Dilly]

He's got some high expectations. But not for himself, for others. Hopefully he can just continue deferring to you. You are the child's mother and you will make wonderful decisions. Look how far you've come already. Trust yourself, BTR. Trust yourself to stand up to R and tell him when to sit down and chill out. You are having to confront him now on things that require you to stand up to him and you will only have to continue this throughout your life. R is going to raise a stink over some mothering instincts that you have and you will have to determine which battles you are willing to fight. It's really really good that you both agree on not spanking or physically reprimanding your child. Robert and I feel the exact same way. We don't want to communicate our position by brute force. We will set examples and communicate pros and cons and do everything to communicate logic when it is appropriate. But ... you can't really predict what issues will arise necessarily. But you can ask yourselves what are the values you wish to instill in your child's life. Put five down each and compare your lists. I want to inspire 1) hard work/responsibility for self 2) honesty 3) curiosity 4) creativity 5) concern for well-being of others. Anyway, sigh... there is no formula. My mom likes to tell me how to get Robert to do what I want... that I need to set boundaries and stick to them and that Robert will follow suit. I just told her there's no formula for success with him and she told me I'm wrong. I wonder ... maybe she's right, as long as I get strong, and stand up for myself and remain decisive... maybe he will.

[Juliana]

I think this is an excellent question; it's certainly one I've given alot of thought to. Why don't you write down a list of situations or questions that might come up, and then write out what you think you'd do, and then find out what he might do in the same situation. Now, this is not the time to start to disagree; just find out what his opinion is.

 

You and he might not always respond in the same ways; you might run to pick up the crying baby, and he might want to wait five minutes. But this is actually okay; the baby is not at physical risk, and I have read some material that suggests that it's actually healthier for the baby in the long term if both parents are not responding in identical ways. A father's instincts aren't necessarily bad or worse than a mother's instincts, they're sometimes just different.

 

I hope you can both enjoy your new baby and have fun being a parent. It's stressful, I know, but it's great.

[sonjam]

Whatever you do, always start with the END in MIND. Decide what it is you want to acchieve, and what values and morals you want to teach your child with it. With that in mind, decide on your parenting action plan. I find it works wonders especially when you are feeling fragile, or a bit unsettled. By keeping the end in mind, you are able to keep your cool and still do what's right.