My boyfriend doesn't think we should have the baby

[MyTeddyBear]

here's the story:

I told him and he was more than shocked. we spent the weekend together discussing what we could do and how we should handle this situation. He even brought up marriage.

His biggest fear is not being able to go back to his country. He feels like he'll be trapped here in America. He is close to his family and wants to be able to share his life and child with them too. I totally understand this. But he knows I can't just pick up and leave for Europe.

We talked on the phone last night and now he tells me he doesn't think he can handle this. (My family situation)

I have 3 children from my previous marriage. But they are taken care of financially by their father and I, so I'm not asking him for anything where they are concerned.

He said, he really never planned to stay here (in the states) forever. Then he tells me, he has doubts that his feeling are strong enough for us to stay together. He said, he never was in a situation like this and he never thought about one person forever. All his relationships where 2 years or less. He's 37 by the way.

 

Anyway, I'm really at a loss. I didn't expect him to jump up and down with excitement. But I think I did expect him do whatever it took for us to stay together. I thought I was "that" important to him. He led me to believe our realtionship was serious and very important. But now, I don't know what to believe.

Is this situation impossible?

I actually feel guilty and ashamed about being pregnant.

I feel like if I keep the baby, he will either leave me or stay out of guilt.

if i have an abortion, i will end up hating him and myself.

 

 

 

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[Batya33]

I think you need to focus on the best interests of the child as in:

 

Do you believe that a child deserves at minimum a stable home with two loving parents?

If not, can you raise this child on your own and make sure that the child spends a lot of time with his/her daddy?

Do you need to work full time? If so, who will take care of the child?

Do you think he will make a good father?

 

(to be clear - the answer to the first question if it were me would be "yes!" but I am NOT you and do not want to impose my opinion on you).

[rocio]

You don't have to feel guilty about having an abortion. I know this is a very touchy subject, but there are many, many women out there (probably even alot of the women you know, believe it or not) who have had one or more abortions. You already have 3 children to focus your energy on. Are you ready to face the possibility of being a single mother of four children?

 

Whatever you decide, please don't do it for him. If he's going to get you pregnant and then take off because he can't handle the consequences of his actions, then he wasn't the right man for you anyway.

[BornToResist]

All I can say is don't make a decision you cannot live with.

 

So many people are quick to jump on a side, but nobody knows just how hard and painful this time is but you. I send my best wishes your way.

 

From reading a couple of your posts, it sounds like you want to keep this baby. Is this true?

 

Sure, it's easy to say every child deserves to grow up in a happy, healthy, stable home with two caring parents (throw in the white picket fence too!). But sometimes that's not the case. Just take a look in the pregnancy forum and you will see numerous women in tough situations...situations that are less than ideal but they are trying to make it work.

 

I don't want to pursuade you in any way, but I also don't want you to do anything that will make you hate yourself!! I believe that it's great that there is the option to have abortions, but I know for a fact they aren't for everyone. Nobody can (although they will) judge you because they are not in your shoes. You are.

 

You already have 3 children and I'm sure you give your all every day to give them what they need in life. If having this child is what you want, then you can pull it off. Don't make yourself feel guilty over this GROWN MAN'S choices. He chose to sleep with you. You got pregnant, that is not your fault. It happens. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty over something that has the potential to be great and a miracle really...

 

Anyways I'm done with my preaching. Bottom line, do what you feel is right in YOUR heart. Nobody has the right to judge you.

[rocio]

Sure, it's easy to say every child deserves to grow up in a happy, healthy, stable home with two caring parents (throw in the white picket fence too!).

 

that made me smile.

[MyTeddyBear]

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, this situation is more than complicated but i don't see it as impossible. My heart tells me to keep this baby, but my logic knows how hard it will be if I am alone.

I have 3 kids: 10, 7, and 5 they are everything to me and i can't imagine my life without them.

[rocio]

Has he said whether he would be willing to contribute financially, even if he didn't stay in the relationship? (It can be hard to get child support from someone who's left the country).

[MyTeddyBear]

Has he said whether he would be willing to contribute financially, even if he didn't stay in the relationship? (It can be hard to get child support from someone who's left the country).

 

We never discussed ending our relationship. I do believe he would be financially supportive. But, who knows?

I guess it's something that needs to be discussed.

[rocio]

This must be such a difficult decision for you to make. My thoughts are with you, and I'm convinced that you'll do what's right. You sound like a loving woman and a dedicated mother.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I am so sorry you have to make this decision, I could never imagine how hard it is for you. From reading your other posts you are an incredibly strong woman and an wonderful mother to your kids. You have to make a decision on what will work for you, if you don't think you could live with yourself if you had an abortion but at the same time you don't think you can raise this child without help from the father have you looked into adoption?

Just be sure you only take on what you can handle, I know you will make the right decision! My thoughts are with you, please keep us updated and you know any and all of us are here if you just need to talk or vent.

 

Take care of yourself and your beautiful children!

[Dilly]

This must be such a difficult decision for you to make. My thoughts are with you, and I'm convinced that you'll do what's right. You sound like a loving woman and a dedicated mother.

 

completely agree

 

(((hugs)))

[Day_Walker]

Well I think it is safe to say that your bf does not want to stay in the US. Of course you need to face the fact that you could end up raising this child on your own with limited help/involvement from him if any. You need to realize that you are going to have to make some tough choices and there will be consequences no matter which way you go.

[scarew]

I don't think that not being able to provide your child with a father is enough reason, on its own, to terminate a pregnancy. Just my opinion I guess. I think if you want to keep this child, and it sounds like you do, you just need to show your bf your independence.

 

On one hand he deserves to be held responsible for his child. On the other, if you feel that it will make him make a decision for the wrong reasons (staying in the relationship out of guilt), maybe you need to show your independence. If you decide to keep this child, you must be prepared to do it on your own. I have been following your posts, and I believe you are a strong, capable woman. If this is something you want, make the decision on your own, tell him that what he does is up to him. For real. Tell him just what you told us. That you don't want him to stay out of guilt. But sweetie, as BTR said, don't make a decision you can't live with. If you want this child, keep it! Don't let his actions or words influence it.