Losing my love and my best friend

[boostedk03]

Hi every one I am new to this site and I need some advice on what to do (Sorry about the long post in advanced).

My girlfriend broke up with me 2 days ago and I have been feeling horrible and down. I feel lost and just down right depressed about the whole thing. Let me give you guys a little back round to what happeneds.

 

I grew up with this girl. She was my kinder garden sweet heart as her mom puts it. She lived right accross the street from her so she was the girl next door that every one dreams about. She has been my best friend since we were 5 years old (I am 20 yrs old now and she is 18 ) we were un-separatable any where we go we were together and we spent every minute with each other. We could not live with out each other. Every time we fought we would make up few hours then we would be back laughing again and falling in love again. So about a year and a half ago we decided to take it up to the next level and be boyfriend and girl friend and it has been nothing but good until the last weeks.

 

We were not the partier type of people and always kept to our selves and to a small group of friends. About 2 weeks before we split up she went to a party and had a great time and met a lot of new people and I was happy for her but when she got home the next day a lot of guys kept calling her and sending her text messages. I would ask who is that and she kept on saying don’t worry about it and there just friends I met at the party so I trusted her and put it aside. From there on we were fine until she went out of town to watch our friends graduate from boot camp. I did not go because I had to much school work to do so she went with her twin sister and one of my other good friends. Well when she got back I took off work just to surprise her at the air port and to take her home. We were cool and happy to see each other. We got back to her house and her other friend said you ready to go after like 30 min and I was like what? She did not tell me that she was going to party and I could not go because it was "girl’s night". So I was not happy because I was going to be alone for the night but I still walked out along with them and said bye and my girl friend pulled me aside and said “Sorry I forgot to tell you. I promised I would go with her. Are you ok? I replied with “I though we were going to see you tonight since I have not seen you for a few days” and she interrupted me and said “sorry got to go”

I was kind of pissed off because I had the night planned out for us and since she left I had nothing to do, so I just went to bed.

Well the next morning I was expecting a text message saying I am sorry but I did not get it, I did not get anything from her even after I sent her one. Then finally at 3 she said hi and we talked for a bit and she seemed kind of mad. I could not get out of her what was the matter so I left it like it was then later that night she started talking to me weird accusing me of still being mad about the last night and I was not and she kept on going at it saying i was. Then the fight began. Then out of no where she told me “I had so much fun at the parties and that she missed the word "fun"”. I responded with a big what are you talking about? She replied “When I am with you I never get to go out and have fun because you get mad at me for leaving you alone”. I replied with “No I do not and you know that I don’t. I was just mad last night because I did not get to see you and I had the whole night planned for us.” We kept on arguing like that for an hour and she finally said that she “wants to have the word “fun” back in her life again and she can’t have fun when she is with me because I get mad”. I tried to pull the sorry route to make her stop because I love this girl to death and I did not want things to end but it did not work. Later on she continued to say that she wants space and that’s where I started to break down.

 

So she broke up with me and I am lost confused depressed and every thing else associated with that. I really don’t have hardly friends to lean on because my friends were her friends and her friends were mine because we were so close so that left me with nothing really. Now that I don’t have my best friend and the woman I love any more I feel empty, worthless and it feels like I am missing a huge part of me. I miss her so much and don’t know what to do.

This is where I need help. I just don’t know what to do with my self any more. Every thing I do reminds me of her and makes me upset. I don’t feel like eating or doing anything else. How can I cope with this and make me feel better because right now I feel really down.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH IN ADVACED!

[Scout]

Hi, boostedk03...and welcome to eNotalone. But I'm so sorry about the circumstances that led you here. I have to say, your story really moved me. Sure, I see a lot of break up stories on here and they all make me sad, but your's...there are just so many elements to it that is making this time particularly painful for you. Mostly that this girl has been such an important presense for most of your life. In all honesty, you have to be feeling like someone died right now. That's how much I would be grieving if I was in your place.

 

I just think it's so upsetting...because I don't think she realizes what she is rather callously giving up: someone who truly loves her, knows her inside and out, and has been there for her almost all of her life. And it seems she's giving all this up - an incredible gift many of us don't have - to party????

 

Friend, I know you want to know how to get her back. And if I could tell you the magic formula to do so, don't think I wouldn't. I really wish I could. But I have to tell you some things, so brace yourself. It's not going to be easy to hear.

 

Unfortunately, I've seen this scenario play out with younger couples time and time again. It happened in my own relationships when I was 18 - 25, too. In our youth, we think we have all the opportunities in the world to explore the "Greener grass on the other side." Very often, we give up true love to do so (and very often, to be bitterly disappointed by what we find out there). Still, people do it.

 

Personally, I think what you should do will probably be the hardest thing for you to actually do: and that's to give her the freedom she wants. When someone tells you they want out, show them the way to the door and open it for them. It's really about all you can do at this point.

 

Hopefully, she'll grow up a little and in time will return. But don't hold onto that hope single-mindedly. Although you may not want it right now, you've also just been given your own freedom...freedom to make your own friends, to rediscover who you are, to discover new interests, and yes, eventually, freedom to meet other girls. I know all this doesn't hold much appeal right now, but there will come a time when, one morning, things look a little brighter and you actually will be curious to see what's out there in the world. You're a young man with a lot of living and loving ahead of you. You gotta get through this first heartbreak, yes, but you can do it. It's just going to take some time. And you have our support and caring here on eNotalone.

[boostedk03]

Wow that was great Scout. I want to give her that freedom but i just cant push my self to do so. She has been such a big infuance and part in my life that it is hard for me to push away something i love. I am tring my hardest to try to give her that room but she keeps sending me messages making me want to talk to her and it reminds me of the old times that i had with her. I am trying to give her the space what she wants but she wont let me. I know the saying "the grass is greener on the other side" and your right i dont want to explore right now all i want is for her to be back. But i want to do what is right and i think if i just give her room that it will make her miss me. Thank you for that reponce you made me feel better and that i am doing the right thing by trying to give her space.

Thanks

[CHEMICAL_ROMANCEXXX]

First off im sorry to hear about your situation hang in there. To me it sounds like she is trying to use the whole 'fun' issue as an escape route to finish things with you and you have been treated unfairly. You deserve better than that. If she has asked for space the best thing you can do is give it to her. I know this will be very difficult and painful but it really is your only choice or you could end up driving her away for good. There still is hope but you have to give her a chance to see what her life will be like without you there.

 

I know you probably don’t feel like doing anything at the moment but try and keep busy-DO ANYTHING to take your mind of her if only for awhile. Im going through a very similar situation to you, im starting to feel better but it has been tough. You've got to stay strong. Put it this way what do you think is gunna be more attractive to her when she next sees you A) you a complete mess, crying alone waiting for her to call or; B) You getting on with your life making new friends and having fun. Its going to be really hard to motivate yourself to do anything but you need to try. Have you got anyone really close that can support you? Friends and family can be great for giving you advice and comfort and pick you up when your feeling down. Remember when in a relationship its very important to have a life of your own and not become completely dependent on your partner, this is not very attractive. Try and find some new interests and make sum new friends so if she does come back, you you will be in a far more healthy position.

 

Your girlfriend is very young and going out and having fun often becomes a priority and this can put strain on any relationship. I would play the waiting game for awhile. Let her get all the 'fun' out her system. She might get bored off going out before to long and release what she throw away. She might not. However in not contacting her for awhile it lets your emotions settle down and can give you a better perspective on things. You must keep positive. I recommend reading superdaves posts on NC (no contact) they really helped me. I've got my fingers crossed for you mate, your gunna be ok.

[boostedk03]

I have been trying to stay busy. I have been running( I usually dont) and being with my family more. I really dont have any one else to lean on because her friends were my friends and alot of them dont want to pick sides because they like use both so they are staying out of it. Well i have been trying to separate my self from her but like i said earlier she keeps messaging me and its hard to stay away from talking to her. I am trying to let her realize the mistake she made because i know that NO one will treat her like gold the way i did. Thank you guys for all the help i am feeling better. I think by just getting out how i felt helped me.

[Dilly]

Well, Boost, you have us! You really should try as hard as you can to get busy and have fun, yourself, if possible, responsibly, not to get to her, but to build yourself back. I think she was mad because she didn't like what she had to do and she wanted out but didn't want to feel guilty so she rolled out the red carpet for accusations to walk down. Oldest trick in the book. She's probably getting coached by some friends on how to be a player/this and that but you know what, you may have lost her for good, because the party girl she will become/is becoming is a player. I used to be a really good girl and married the first guy I fell in love with. OUr relationship weakened over some of HIS poor decisions and I made some poor ones myself. As a result, I wanted what he had pursued through our relationship, FUN! And when it was my turn, HE didn't like it and I did. My point is, that I never returned to that innocent girl I had once been. I wish I could now, six years later, but it's too late. Don't hold your breath. Once girls take a walk on the wild side, it brings wilderness into their hearts and they get all confused, stupid and callous. While she may wise up, she may not for a very very long time.

[boostedk03]

I have been trying to keep busy. I hung out with my buddy and went to his game tonight and had some fun and it kept my mind off of her. I zstoped texting her and she stopped texting me for the rest of the night so far. Its weird though she has a curfew of 11 and it is past 11 here like by an hour and she is still not home. Thats been happening for the like 3 days owell. Thank you guys so much you all made me feel better about the whole thing. I miss her still but not as much. I think if i keep expressing how i feel on here and getting your guys help make me feel better so THANK YOU.

[CluelessGuy321]

Yeah, she's going through a party phase. She received a lot of attention from a bunch of other guys and wants to explore that.

 

It's not a nice thing, when you two have been so close for so long. I think she'll realize her mistake one day...hopefully before it's too late.

 

But you're 20 years old man. Join some clubs and stuff. Be outgoing and meet new people! Maybe join student government or a volunteer group.

[Openheart1]

Boosted,

 

First off, I want to express my astonishment at the level of cruelty and callous behavior your bestfriend/former girlfriend is showing you. It is OBVIOUS that her maturity behavior has not yet developed to the point of recognizing those who care the most for her. Unfortunately, women and men go through periods of growth and maturity that sometimes end up deeply hurting someone else. In life, sometimes the only method by which you learn how not to treat someone is to do the very thing that hurts them the most. For her, she does not have the capacity of thought, maturity, or emotional willingness to understand and empathize with how you may be feeling. In other words, unadulterated selfishness has become her driving motivation, which is not surprising given her age and lack of experience outside of her immediate surroundings.

 

Before I continue, please please please DO NOT answer her messages. She has treated horribly and deserves nothing from you. Essentially, while it may take sometime, she must realize how badly she mistreated you and work to gain back some level of trust from you. Eighteen years old, for her, allows freedom. Of course, she has yet to learn that with that freedom, comes consequences. That is fine and part of life, but I strongly urge you to assert yourself and demand nothing less than respect and courtesy. Right now, you are probably asking why she is willing to throw away someone that she has known her entire life and has shared in so much. However hard it will be to do, at this point she must start understanding genuine consequences for her behavior. This is the period in her life where she needs to feel like she can explore herself and her individuality, which unfortunately means that her feelings have become secondary and dormant. Trust me, though, her feelings have not disappeared. She just has to relearn them given her new experiences. In a way, the both of you have to relearn one another and how to interact. Too much of your relationship is based in the past and traditional experiences. People grow, they mature, and they sometimes screw up, as obvious with her. Even so, as everyone else has said in here, you MUST allow her that freedom. You must allow her to see who really cares and who does not care for her. For a lot of people, not including myself, they require to experience first hand what consequences will result from their actions. For me, I tend to use my mind to understand consequences before acting. Metaphorically, she likes to drive and see where the car takes her. You, however, being alittle older, likes to drive knowing where you are taking the car. Her method is potentially very devastating and can lead to many dark places, but of course that is her choice. Part of the process of growing up is realizing that you can't control, no matter how much you would like to because of good intentions, how others act. We grow up in today's world with control innately wired into our psyche. We can control what channels to watch, the internet, technology, convenience, etc. that all programs us to believe that we have the capacity to expect others will do what we believe is the right course of action. Maybe that is what parenting is all about, in some ways. YOU have become a parent watching someone you love experience her own life without you.

 

In the end, this experience will allow you to grow and mature. While her time will likely be wasted away in bars, clubs, men, aka the superficial activities of youth, yours will be searching out ways to develop genuine relationships, honesty and openness, and most importantly learning to adapt to positive circumstances. While it may not seem like it, and I know this is hard to believe, this is a positive experience as it will only allow self-reflection and internal examination. Her growth, unfortunately, only from external experiences. She is not becoming a better person, only one who reacts to outside forces that will shape her, instead of her shaping them.

 

I know this has been a bit philosophical, but rest assured in all actuality, you have not lost her. Chances are is that she will realize that you are an important part of her life and nothing can stop that. She just needs to grow into that mindset. Again, do not stifle her process of growth, as it will only devastate you further. Exit her life, plain and simple. Develop yourself. Right now, though, she will try and keep you in her life because she unconsciously knows you are a positive and consistent part of her life, thus making her feel better about herself. In other words, because you are in her life, she feels as if she is still the person she once was, namely the girl you fell in love with. As long as she has that tucked away, she is secure. Don't let her have that positive, especially since it is having a seriously negative impact on you. She is being selfish for now, so that means that you have to be a tad selfish to grow through whatever means you see fit. Don't forget or condemn her, just let her screw up and don't restrict your feelings. THAT is the ultimate way to cheapen any relationship. Once you start holding back your feelings for the sake of her, especially when they are absolutely hurting you, you in effect have done what she has done, just in a different form.

 

Well, I have talked long enough, but I sincerely hope I have at least given some perspective. Let her go, better yourself, and learn from this experience. Take care.

[boostedk03]

Before I continue, please please please DO NOT answer her messages

 

As you read below It goes completely oposite of that what you said. But just read and see what you think.

 

Ok this is an update. Well I have been trying to stay calm mature and nice to her. So when ever she text me or messaged me I would support her and be very calm and mature about the whole thing. I started doing that last night. So this morning I decided to write her a note asking for the stuff I wanted back and I included a note. The note just said that I wanted to thank her for all the good times we shared and for helping me become the man that I am today and just really nice stuff. I told her that she is beautiful and don’t let any one say other wise and told her to be safe and careful and not get too wild and I also ended the note with one of my favorite quotes "Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride" from a Gary Allen song. After she read the note, we talked and as I was, doing the same as before being calm and mature and she told me that she thanks me for being so nice to her and “Killing her with kindness” even though she thought that she did not deserve it after she hurt me a lot. She also said that I was a good person and she liked it when I talked to her like that and to never change being the person that I am. So I don’t know if that letter helped, do you guys think I did the right thing? I talked to my other friends that are girls and they said that was very kind to do and it was the right thing to do. So I am hoping you guys think so too, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

[Scout]

boosted, I know because you are actually in the situation, its a lot easier for us to tell you what you should do, than for us to be in your situation and actually do it.

 

However, I cannot recommend enough that you read OVER AND OVER every word of Openheart's brilliant post. Which, by the way, I thought was one of the most painstaking efforts I've seen on eNotalone to really explain the motivations, mindset, and reasons why people hurt us.

 

Please, Openheart's post is giving you the answers you truly need, they just aren't what you, understandably, want to really hear or believe. But if you heed what is being said in them, I promise you that down the road, you will thank your lucky stars you did. Coming from me, a 37 year old woman who has had her share of heartbreak, I wish someone had told me these words when I was your age.

[Openheart1]

After she read the note, we talked and as I was, doing the same as before being calm and mature and she told me that she thanks me for being so nice to her and “Killing her with kindness” even though she thought that she did not deserve it after she hurt me a lot. She also said that I was a good person and she liked it when I talked to her like that and to never change being the person that I am."

 

Boosted:

 

These words are solely and attempt to not hurt you further. She is saying these things so that you will forget about her and move on with your life, while you are perceiving them as a hopeful step towards reconcilement. I KNOW it is difficult to believe that, but most likely it is true. The both of you talked and no where did she give any impression she was even thinking in terms of a relationship, let alone actually giving it another shot. If you want to be friends anytime in the future, do not let these heartfelt conversations give you any impression that they are anything other than that.. conversations.

 

More to the point, OF COURSE she likes it when you talk to her like that, namely paying her compliments and acting positive. In my experience, I did all the things you did. I sent an email paying telling my former girlfriend in detail all of the things I loved about her and that I enjoyed every minute of our relationship. What happened? NOTHING! Absolutely nothing. She said she wished she heard all those things before our breakup, but it did not change her mind regarding our breakup. It just showed that I was still in an emotional period with a sense of hope, frustration, and it was apparent to her. Trust me, from her perspective, it is difficult to believe that you can be that nice and caring while inside you are hurt and confused. I KNOW it is difficult to see this and maybe only time and your own patience slowly dissolving away will you start to see that she was being nice, purely because she does not want to hurt you any further. I can't stress that enough. Please internalize this point. Just because someone is nice to you and doesn't want to hurt you further DOES not mean that she is at all willing to accommodate your needs anymore than that. Right now, she is in survival mode of sorts, only hoping that things don't get worse. Basically, while she appreciates your good behavior, that only does one thing... eases her guilt. You are making this job so EASY on her that she has no reason to truly believe she hurt you in any kind of significant way. Her head is off the chopping block, so to speak, and she is loving it, hence her statements regarding her enjoyment that you are who you are, which in turn only does one thing.. it reinforces in you that there is hope, while giving all that she wants or desires from you. She said it herself that you should never change who you are. That is because she is not interested in who you are and you should find someone who does! If she was interested, she would accommodate your needs to be with her! She is letting you down easy and you should truly take the hint and cut contact and show her that she is not necessary in your life to be happy. She may not be doing it on purpose, but underneath her mask is someone who is not at all interested in having you as a significant part of her life, only as a support mechanism on HER terms.

 

Develop yourself, become a more whole person, and then maybe when the both of you are on level playing fields again can you reconcile as two better, more independent, mature adults. Take care.

[boostedk03]

Well i have decided that i am just going to stop talking to her gradually. She keeps trying to talk to me and i try to say less and less to her that i can. Most times i try not to message her back but she makes me feel bad and it makes start talking to her again. So i think i am just going to start saying that i am busy when ever she messages me and not message her back. Another thing that she does is play the guilt thing on me too. She always makes me feel bad for her even though she broke up with me. She always tries to do that when ever i am talking to her. What should i do about that?

 

Thank you guys so much for all the help!!

 

UPDATE: Well i just got word from her that she is supposily moving in the begaining of next year because her parents cant afford the house and her parents are splitting up. So she is really upset now and i dont know about how to go about this.

 

Thanks Again!

[hpsowce]

Well I firstly want to say I thought the first post by openheart1 was amazing, very insightful and really struck home with me.

 

You seem to be handling things well Boosted and whilst I know how hard it can be to see someone you love hurting, even if they have also hurt you so deeply, sometimes you have to step back and let them feel what life is really like. In a way your ex ripped the comfort blanket away from you when she decided life looked more exciting outside of your relationship, but by staying in your life and leaning on you for emotional support she is in effect trying to have it all ways. SHe's getting the support and comfort of knowing someone is there for her whilst enjoying the freedom to do as she likes and live the single life.

 

You can break contact slowly or quickly, it doesn't so much matter but make sure you are breaking contact for the right reason, no contact is no contact, light contact is still contact and still allows the other person to feel you are still 'connected' and so they never really have to know what it's like to not have you there.

 

But I know what it's like, it's very attractive to follow your heart and if you're anything like me (for your sake I hope you aren't!) then it'll take more than a few twists of the knife before you realise that there's only really one person you need to worry about at this time... you!

[boostedk03]

Ok a little update! Ok so i was talking to one of my buddys, that went on the trip to pick up our militay buddys, about it and he said he had something that was eating him and he had to tell me. So he contenued to tell me that she pretty much broke up with me for one of the friends that she went to pick up from boot camp. He said the whole time they were there they were out of town they were flurting and he does not know what else. My buddy said that he is discusted with those 2 for doing that to me. And another thing i found out that she lied to me. I asked her to tell me truthfully right when we broke up that had she cheated on me or drinks. She replied that she did not cheat on me but she did drink. We had a promise that if either one of us drank that it was over between us. So she lied to me about that and i am just in awww that she cheated on me too( i consider it cheating). So i am not really upset any more i am just really pissed off and cant believe that happened. I cant wait till the militay man leaves for iraq in the first of the year. I will tell you guys one thing that when she comes crawling back to me that i am going to be laughing( well not really but you guys get the point lol). Well every one thanks for the help once again!!

 

O ya, I am doing the NC now and strictly inforcing it! and its not as bad as i thought.

[Openheart1]

It is an unfortunate reality with immature and selfish individuals that situations like this have arisen. I am sorry you had to find out about these things, but it sounds like you are better off. Take care.