That's it, I'm discouraged

[finewhine]

Since I broke up with my ex six months ago, I haven't met anyone I've been truly interested in. There have been two guys I've dated, but while I thought they were cute, smart, and sexy, I couldn't see any long term potential.

 

Then, on Saturday, I met a guy at my friend's party. We had so much in common! We attended the same graduate program, we're both readers, we're around the same age, we share friends in common, etc. etc. etc. He was adorable, articulate, and interesting. He has a career in my field, even. I thought to myself, "My goodness, what a rare find!" And he was interested in me, being very flirty, etc.

 

So, while we didn't exchange numbers (I got tired and ducked out a little early), we had made plans to go somewhere together. I expected to run into him again soon and go from there. I was SO HAPPY to meet someone whom I was really interested in, irrespective of whether it resulted in dating him or not.

 

One of my major obstacles in my adult dating life has been settling for less than what I really want. I always end up dating people whom I know won't fulfill me on an intellectual level, 'cause frankly, there aren't that many avaliable, cute men interested in what I'm interested in where I live. So, you can see how happy I would be if I met one.

 

Well, lo and behold, it turns out a good friend of mine dated this guy several years ago. He cheated on her. In fact, he was dating several girls at once, telling all of them they were exclusive. Not only that, but he tried to sleep with my friend after she got engaged and he was married. Oh, did I mention he's MARRIED???

 

I know I dodged a bullet. However, now I'm wondering if a) there's something wrong with my radar and b) there's any hope of finding someone with the qualities I want.

 

I don't want to settle, but I don't want to be alone forever! Or maybe being alone forever is better than settling?

 

What do you guys think? Should I throw in the towel?

[Scout]

Of course, don't throw in the towel! But also...take a little pressure off yourself and this whole dating thing. Love has knocked on your door before and it surely will again. So there's no need to worry that's it, you've used up all your chances. In your heart, you KNOW you haven't.

 

So, relax. View this time of being single as a relationship, indeed...with yourself. This is a wonderful time to get reacquainted with you, and to maybe broaden your own horizons a bit. That comment about how you don't meet the kind of men who share your interests leads me to believe perhaps you're not pursuing your interests enough. If you were, I think you'd be exposed to more kindred spirits.

 

Kick up your heels and treat yourself well. Oh...and treat others, well, too. Start by reaching out more, and you'll gain a lot back in return.

 

Honestly, the minute you start to really love being single is when a bunch of suitors will turn up, so enjoy it while you've got it.

[Juha]

Well, maybe open your mind up to more different people...

 

I was similar in wanting someone who was much like me...

 

Really did not find that so I opened myself up to a more diverse and different group of people than myself...

 

You know what??? I found so many great people and had some really good

relationships, I don't have anyone now but it changed how I looked at people...

 

I was discounting people before I even knew them and was missing out...

 

Sometimes what you are looking for could be right in front of you if you give it a chance...Also, now I don't want someone who likes everything I do and know all the same people and work...That is too much...

 

 

 

Good luck

[Scout]

I think Juha's advice has a great deal of merit, too...and again, being single right now you have the freedom to explore new kinds of people and interests.

[Day_Walker]

Well you have only been single 6 months realize that if you are going to be that picky then depending on your social behavior it is going to be difficult to find what you are looking for. If you want to have standards that high then realize that you are going to have to be patient. I say that you should never settle for less than you want because you will never truly be happy with something that you do not want.

I dont think your radar is off but you might want to increase the amount of men you meet because dating is a numbers game and you need to meet guys if you are going to find what you want.

[finewhine]

Thanks for weighing in, guys. Let me articulate my dilemma a little bit more - I really don't want to be in a relationship right now. If somebody would tell me, "Hey, Finewhine, you'll be happily settled down by the time your biological clock is winding down," I would give up caring, since there are a million and one things I'd rather do than worry about being in a relationship.

 

That said, something is pushing me to date. I suspect it has something to do with the overall crappiness of my last relationship. I feel as though I deserve to have fun, and to feel desired, etc.

 

Oh, and Scout (hi, Scout!) I am not really looking for a relationship at all. I know my post made it sound like I am, but I'm really not. It's just so rare for me to get EXCITED about someone. I want to get excited about men again, if that makes sense.

 

Hmm, good advice, folks. I am very, very social and I interact with a lot of people with my interests fairly constantly. I just am rarely attracted to them in a significant way. I am too picky, in the respect that I nearly instantly dismiss someone if I don't feel a spark, and it's rare that I feel a real spark. I am not picky enough in the sense that, in the past, I have dated people I KNEW wouldn't fulfill me.

 

I have tried to go the route of dating regular smart guys, but I have found that I absolutely need to date a real reader. I am an ultra nerdy reader's reader, a compulsive reader. And frankly, there aren't too many men around who are serious readers (I have statistics to back me up on this one!).

 

Such is my problem. And I am involved in practically every literary organization in the landlocked U.S. city I inhabit. And I went to grad school and met a bunch of literate types. Nuthin'.

 

Meh, I haven't cycled through them all yet. I could move, I guess!

 

I don't know about dating other kinds of people. Everyone I've dated to this point has been really smart, but yeah, can't relate on a fundamental level because we can't have serious discussions about the esoteric things that for some reason matter to me.

[Batya33]

Intelligence - academic, social and emotional - is a top priority for me - and an intelligent sense of humor/banter, etc. I am lucky because the city I live in has no shortage of smarties ;-). I have tried to settle for less in the intelligence area and it doesn't work for me- I end up feeling self conscious in what I talk about lest I sound "too smart" for them (even though I like to talk about anything and everything under the sun), and I cannot feel a connection with someone who doesn't "get" me and compatibility as far as intelligence is an important part of that.

 

I would not settle for someone who you do not find at least as intelligent as you - even if you are sexually attracted to him when the lust fades a bit you're going to get bored is my guess or not feel as proud of him as you would like.

[finewhine]

Batya - that cycle describes MY ENTIRE DATING LIFE. I would LOVE to be proud of the person I was dating! Don't get me wrong - I have been proud of those I've dated for their business accomplishments, for their creative endeavors, etc. But never proud in the sense that they could hold their own with my friends and those in my social/professional circle. None of them have managed just yet.

 

I want the whole package - brainy, literate, cute, fun, stable - the works. Where are these fellas? I imagine they're busy fending off the thousands of nerdy girls who want to marry them.

[caro33]

hey finewhine, what is a 'real' reader? Could he be a reasonable reader, someone who enjoys books, but also has other pursuits while you read?

 

I mean, is a core criterion for you to share a love for the same books and be able to talk about them intelligently together?

[finewhine]

I guess I would consider a real reader someone who counts reading as an intellectual pursuit. They wouldn't have to read the same books as I do, but they would have to read acutal books. Many of them. And have something to say about that. I guess they would have to approach reading in the same way I do, even if they didn't read the same things: as a passion, as a way to learn about the world.

 

And let me clarify - I have tons of friends who aren't real readers and I don't consider myself smarter or somehow better than they. That said, any man I would share my life with in the future would need to fulfill this criteria, I think, in order for me to relate to him on a fundamental level.

[caro33]

I would have thought there were heaps of guys who enjoyed reading along the lines you described, but maybe they don't actually identify themelves first and foremost as readers, and thereforeeee aren't in literary clubs etc. I and my guy are both avid readers but that never came out in our earlier dates, it wasn't something we discussed.

 

Not that that is even remotely helpful.

 

It really is such a crapshoot, finding someone compatible. I guess I can only offer the hackneyed but true lines such as 'it's a numbers game, get out there' etc. But you know that...

 

And standards are great - and mandatory! - but is there a chance you are being too critical to start with? I mean when I met my guy I thought he was nice, but wasn't set alight with chemistry. He turned out to be a high-falutin' martial artist and I just thought 'hmmm' and hoped he wasn't a meat head. It took a while for him to show himself, and for me to find that Mr Martial Artist highschool jock was in fact also the library monitor at school and spent all his time reading. I'm in the policy/politics area and he's in a completely unrelated field, and he continues to embarrass me with how much more he knows about my area than I do. Introspective book types who don't identify themselves as booktypes can turn up in interesting places, as can smart guys. (Actually I find the ones who identify as smart and/or literary can be the biggest w*nkers and are often not that smart anyway. You know, they're so dumb they think they know everything.)

 

Maybe I was just lucky my situation turned out so well, but I guess if I was being really picky I might not have seen who he was.

 

Sound lecturing, sorry. Sound also like you hit the slimeball jackpot with that guy - I dunno, the charmers are charmers for a reason. He probably wasn't being real with you, it was his game. If he's in his 30s or so he'll be well practiced, try not to blame yourself as having faulty radar.

 

Keep saying 'I don't want a relationship' as a mantra and I reckon Mr Perfect will come knocking on your door. Life seems to be like that.

[finewhine]

Thanks, Caro!!

 

I certainly don't come out and *say* that I'm a serious reader, but anyone who talks to me for any length of time could probably figure that out (as I just recently completed my MA in literature, work in a bookstore part time, write book reviews, help edit a literary journal and am looking for fulltime editorial work).

 

See, here's the thing re: what you were saying: I have dated brilliant, creative men who weren't readers. I have never dated a reader. I suspect that this is the reason that things may not have worked out between myself and my old boyfriends. It's symptomatic of not being able to relate on a deeper level. You spend so many hours of your life immersed in a certain activity and it's bound to change you. I would imagine it's like an athlete, who would probably have trouble relating to a non-athlete.

 

OMG, that makes me sound 1000x's more nerdy/lame - I'm a reading athlete now? Sheesh!

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I just want someone who finds reading important. Like, a book a month would even be OK (I read 2+ a week).

 

And you were probably able to pick up on the fact that your boyfriend was a thoughtful smart guy without his broadcasting it to the world. I can tell when someone is smart, too. It's a few weeks (or a few months or a few years) in when the cracks start to show and I realize I can't relate. I figure I'd stave this off at the pass and go right for the gusto, ya know?

 

Thanks for the pep talk about the creepy slimeball. He was in his early 30's - good call. I feel bad for his wife!

[caro33]

Yes, I knew a guy like that once and was disgusted by his antics. He was a friend of a girlfriend's boyfriend (!) so I got to watch his behaviour from a distance - see him lure women into his web and hear about he had a few on the go at once. He had a wife at home with several small children and I felt immensely sorry for her. But he's the only one like that I've ever known so I hope that such extreme dirtbags are few and far between. I have to say I have had only the garden variety dirtbag/slimeball myself, but I've had some shockers.

 

Yes I admit I knew my guy was smart but I actually had no idea of how smart or the degree to which we would be compatible. He seemed nice and we seemed to have a similar sense of humour. Usually it's the humour that reels me in, and usually that means I have hit my garden variety slimeball. (I seem to have slimeball guy humour *sigh*). But in this case I had a completely different type and before I had the chance to drop him for not being a slimeball he had me hooked. So, luck maybe.

 

Anyway, pick a cliche - 'you'll be right', 'he's out there for you', 'plenty of fish etc' (to keep up the seafaring theme I seem to have started)...

 

I'm sure your reading athlete awaits, when you are ready.

[finewhine]

What's slimeball humor? Mr. Show? South Park? Dead baby jokes? I fear I share it, too.

[caro33]

What's slimeball humor? Mr. Show? South Park? Dead baby jokes? I fear I share it, too.

 

Try Little Britain then, if you haven't seen it. Gets repetitive but some parts are hilarious.

[finewhine]

Nope, haven't. Thanks for the tip!