GIRLS: would you be upset if..

[kellbell]

Saint,

 

What it is exactly you are upset about? I am not trying to be sacrastic or mean. Perhaps getting to root of the issue would be helpful.

[caro33]

I must have missed something in your posts saint_saul because I am getting a different impression from some of the other posters. I didn't really see a strong controlling thing here, and I also didn't see much re his bad reaction to you.

 

Maybe he reacted badly because he thought you were judging him, maybe he's had a bad day. Maybe he thought you were trying to control him, which none of us really likes.

 

Perhaps let it slide if the magazine itself isn't a big deal, see how you both feel about any argument had about the whole thing as a separate issue.

[lydia87]

i would be upset by that. there was a time about a year ago when me and my boyfriend almost broke up because i found some porn on his computer after he promised me he didnt watch any.

he told me he got rid of it, dunno if i believed him though.

it was really upsetting at the time though. that type of thing gets to me a lot. i have my insecurities, but it just seems like visual infidelity to me!

[lydia87]

oh, and in regards to it being controlling - that's not really what this is about, i dont think. if someone in a relationship is upset by something the other partner does or says habitually, then it's generally assumed that they will try and stop whatever it is, or you both come to a compromise.

[saint_saul]

caro, kellbell

I wasn't really upset at all at first. When I got to thinking about it, though, I asked a couple of people I know (my older brother, his girlfriend, so on) and I got the general impression that maybe I should have an issue with this. When I talked to my boyfriend about it, we actually had a good conversation. I wouldn't consider myself controlling AT ALL (I have NO problem with porn and a lot of other stuff). I'm not really sure how to define his reaction, but he became way too upset for how casual the issue was when I brought it up. It just bothered me, so I thought I would ask for some other peoples' opinions. This wasn't supposed to turn into "oh my god, you're a controlling girlfriend" thread.

 

Lydia, my boyfriend has lied about porn as well -- and the only reason it bothered me at the time is because he told me shortly before that he hadn't in a while (honestly, either way I didn't/don't care). I was more upset that he was silly enough to leave it on his comp so clearly.

[melrich]

but he became way too upset for how casual the issue was when I brought it up.

 

So what is your take on why he got so upset?

[annie24]

if someone in a relationship is upset by something the other partner does or says habitually, then it's generally assumed that they will try and stop whatever it is, or you both come to a compromise.

 

I strongly disagree with this. this kind of thinking can put you at risk of being in an abusive relationship. abusers try to isolate their SOs from their hobbies, family, friends....

 

if your SO is upset, you have to first examine if they are being reasonable. And you shouldn't have to change who you are for your SO. if you two are not compatible, you should split up, not necessarily compromise. It depends on an issue.

 

If a boyfriend of mine told me he didn't like one of my hobbies, or my friends, and he told me to quit, I would just figure that we were not compatible people and we would go our separate ways.

[saint_saul]

melrich, If you're implying that he felt I was being controlling, I don't think that was the case -- the conversation was gentle and there wasn't a hint of anger or anything. Just talking (which eventually escalated).

[caro33]

caro, kellbell

I wasn't really upset at all at first. When I got to thinking about it, though, I asked a couple of people I know (my older brother, his girlfriend, so on) and I got the general impression that maybe I should have an issue with this. When I talked to my boyfriend about it, we actually had a good conversation. I wouldn't consider myself controlling AT ALL (I have NO problem with porn and a lot of other stuff). I'm not really sure how to define his reaction, but he became way too upset for how casual the issue was when I brought it up. It just bothered me, so I thought I would ask for some other peoples' opinions. This wasn't supposed to turn into "oh my god, you're a controlling girlfriend" thread.

 

Why ever not?

 

Oh well. Maybe the lesson here is to be happy with your own reaction and to trust it! Perhaps your brother and his people are terribly protective of you and think that these magazines reflect a greater threat than they actually do. I would expect an older brother to perhaps react this way for his little sis.

 

What are you going to do now? I mean re your boyfriend.

[saint_saul]

Annie, I hardly think one incompatibility is reason enough to break up! Perhaps it's just different dating styles. If I found out that someone I was seeing hated Japanese food, I certainly wouldn't call it quits.

[melrich]

melrich, If you're implying that he felt I was being controlling, I don't think that was the case -- the conversation was gentle and there wasn't a hint of anger or anything. Just talking (which eventually escalated).

 

No I'm not implying anything. It seems to me there would be two reasons he would get really upset over what you rightly describe is a minor issue,

 

1. He really, really wants the magazine.

 

2. He resents the request that he not get the magazine.

[kellbell]

"I asked a couple of people I know (my older brother, his girlfriend, so on) and I got the general impression that maybe I should have an issue with this"

 

See, this where I feel things went kind of coo-coo. Don't let others sway how you feel. Your intitial reaction was you were okay with it. Your first reaction is usually the correct one. Not always but usually.

 

Have your ever read or seen Maxim? I mean, seriously, it is not a magazine to get in a bunch about. Much of it is articles for guys about various things such as video games, gadgets, cars, motorcyles, and political topics as well. There are women in those magazines but if you do look at them, they are fake. Airbrushed to the max. I mean, none of those pictures are real. And some of the issues do feature stories on these women, such as Nikky and Paris Hilton BEFORE the became really famous and they were on the cover of that issue. Also, there is sex tips but strangely enough, many of the sex tips are written by a woman. And there are dirty and sometime tasteless jokes and I believe it has useless facts in that magazine as well.

 

So, instead of listening about other people's opinions because people's opinions vary, perhaps do a little research on your own and decide for YOURSELF. It is really worth having fights with your boyfriend due to OTHER PEOPLE's opinions?

[DN]

I'm not forcing my boyfriend to do anything. Seriously, this is really getting ridiculous. You are making it sound like I tied him and put him in a closet for getting Maxim -- nope, sorry, didn't do that and never would.

 

DN, I'm not sure how you operate in a relationship, but I usually go with the "compromise" route because it works. I would rather be passive aggressive than submissive.

My relationship is built on compromise and has lasted over thirty years because of that. Generally speaking passive-aggressive behaviour is viewed as a destructive rather than constructive way of managing a relationship and is usually considered immature.

 

But how do you compromise over something like him buying Maxim when you don't want him to? He either buys it or he does not.

 

It seems to me that you are mixing up compromise with him doing what you want.

[saint_saul]

melrich, probably a mix of both. I think all in all, he just really wants the magazine. He said it would be a hassle to cancel, too, so maybe that has something to do with it.

 

caro, I'm definitely letting the issue go. Believe it or not, I was intending to before I posted (I swear!). It was just something on my mind. If it becomes an issue in the future (which I don't think it will), then him and I can deal with it then. Hey, I'm definitely not complaining too much, I know it could be MUCH worse. Maybe I should invest some money into Cosmo or something..

 

Annie, there are other ways of compromise -- things are never just black and white. Actually, I don't see compromise as him doing as what I want, because that's definitely not compromise. I see compromise as him saying, "okay, I see your point" and me saying, "I see your point, too."

[MidnightBeauty]

I would have a problem, he dosent need to look at other naked ladies he has me thats all he need and if im not enough then we have a problem...you have every right to get mad..

[melrich]

Yeah I think it is one of those things you let go. In relationships I think you have to choose your battles and this one does not seem to be of huge significance to either of you.

[annie24]

Annie, I hardly think one incompatibility is reason enough to break up! Perhaps it's just different dating styles. If I found out that someone I was seeing hated Japanese food, I certainly wouldn't call it quits.

 

no, that's not what I was getting at.

 

I do think you should try to look at the situation from his point of view. Can you tell us more about his reaction? How did the conversation go, when did he get agitated?

 

To answer your original question, no, I would not be bothered in the least by a guy reading maxim. I know myself, and I can sort of understand why he would get heated. For me, if a guy tried to tell me he didn't like what I was reading, I could take it as an insult in several ways. Either, a) he didn't think what I was reading was "intelligent" enough. or b) he's trying to control me and what I do and don't do. I mean, who likes to be told what to do? He may have interpreted what you were saying to him as, "I want you to cancel that subscription right now!" (even if you didn't say that, it maybe was what he heard in his head). He might have felt in that minute like "who are you, my mom?"

 

I'm just speculating.

[caro33]

caro, I'm definitely letting the issue go. Believe it or not, I was intending to before I posted (I swear!). It was just something on my mind. If it becomes an issue in the future (which I don't think it will), then him and I can deal with it then. Hey, I'm definitely not complaining too much, I know it could be MUCH worse. Maybe I should invest some money into Cosmo or something..

 

Good for you. And maybe sometime in the future leave some skin mag full of buffed guys around and see what he thinks. Cosmo (at least here in Australia) is still full of half-naked women!

[kellbell]

"he dosent need to look at other naked ladies he has me thats all he need and if im not enough then we have a problem...you have every right to get mad.."

 

There are NOT naked ladies in Maxim magazine!! Sheesh!

[annie24]

I would have a problem, he dosent need to look at other naked ladies he has me thats all he need and if im not enough then we have a problem...you have every right to get mad..

 

but there are no naked ladies in maxim.....

[doyathink]

Heres a good question for anyone who wants to answer....in this situation,what would a good compromise be....for both parties involved? What would you do?

[lydia87]

Annie, I hardly think one incompatibility is reason enough to break up! Perhaps it's just different dating styles. If I found out that someone I was seeing hated Japanese food, I certainly wouldn't call it quits.

 

that's what i mean. say it's one thing that upsets you, and you're in a serious relationship, it's worth talking about. if i knew something i did that wasn't a part of me, didn't mean that much to me, upset someone i loved, i'd stop doing it.

things such as thsoe types of magazines, saying certain things to you. not changing your character or yourself for them.

it's worth talking about and trying to fix rather than thinking you're different people and breaking up like that, i think.

[saint_saul]

Annie, I see your point now in those two reactions. I can see how he maybe interpreted as I thought Maxim was too dumb, as I sometimes come off that way (intentionally/unintentionally). Or maybe he did think that I was telling him to cancel it immediately. I certainly don't want to sound like his Mom.

 

Thanks for your opinion, though. I wasn't really upset either, but like someone pointed out, I think talking with my brother and his girlfriend skewed my perspective. I don't recall everything we talked about because the conversation was super short. I remember him saying it would take too much time and effort to cancel it, though.

[melrich]

if i knew something i did that wasn't a part of me, didn't mean that much to me, upset someone i loved, i'd stop doing it.

 

I'm not sure about that. The "thing" has to be reasonable. Otherwise the issue becomes the fact that someone is asking you to not do something that should not be an issue.

 

In the case we are talking about here, I'm not sensing the "magazine" part of the issue is a huge thing for saint_saul so why ask someone to compromise themselves.

 

In some ways, making your partner compromise at the minor end of irritating behaviour is more destabilising because one person cannot see the "justice" of the compromise.

[caro33]

Heres a good question for anyone who wants to answer....in this situation,what would a good compromise be....for both parties involved? What would you do?

 

I have to say that if both parties fully understood what was in the magazine in question, and the hypothetical woman (not our real saint_saul) still had a serious problem with the free subscription to the magazine, then it is worth the guy really assessing if he (a) needs the magazine, and (b) needs the girl.

 

Basically if the relatively minor magazine issue could not be easily resolved I would think this might smack of a value conflict that would require careful negotiation and might not be resolvable. No, I don't believe in controlling the other person, but it does come down to both parties being honest about what they really want and why, and then testing that against the bigger relationship picture.

 

I do not subscribe to a previous poster's view about visual infidelity. Yes I hate my partner checking out other women but I would never stop him, and I would have no way of policing this anyway. As long as we both know and understand what appropriate behaviour is, that is, agreed appropriate behaviour like no ogling, no tongue hanging out, no comparing me to them, etc then who am I to say what/who he looks at? I wouldn't be with someone who didn't share my values, but I also can't unmake my guy from a normal man and turn him into something sexless. And I wouldn't want to!