A continuing problem with a male friend

[paige123]

Hi everyone, I have posted about this before, but it's still getting me down. Earlier this year, I had a terrible fight with a male friend of mine. We exchanged nasty words and he told me never to contact him or approach him again or he will take formal action. I did respect his wishes (until recently).

 

After not seeing him for months, I have seen him a few events over the last couple of weeks. He is still continuing to stare at me(he's been doing this for about 2yrs) and I don't know why?He was actually sitting 2 rows in front of me at a concert and kept turning around and looking at me. My friend with me noticed as well. This behaviour has confused me greatly as he was the one to threaten me with legal action. Is this the behaviour of someone who really hated me? I can't stand it, I can't avoid him completely as we have mutual friends and will cross paths from time to time.

 

I have emailed him asking WHY he is doing this after everything that has happened between us and that it has worried me. He hasn't responded, not even with another attack defending his actions, how weird is that? What does he want from me? I'm very confused.

 

Thanks

[Lion-Guy]

I would either give him the space he wants (i.e. NC and avoid him) or apologize for whatever you did. Even if you were both at fault. It is easier to just say sorry and move on. Nothing like leaving things unresolved and having people hating you. It always seems to come back to you at the most inconvenient of times. good luck

[caro33]

Hi Paige, I was intrigued to know more about your situation so went back and read your posts. This seems to be a very odd state of affairs!

 

As I have read it, the facts are:

- you think he stared a you a lot and thought perhaps he has a thing for you

- at an event, you asked to speak to him. he said to call him to discuss it, you called and he was nasty

- you emailed him something you felt bad about afterward

- he emailed you to warn you to not contact him again or he would start legal action

- you sent an apology, but no legal action came about from the contact

- since then you have written a few posts about love and getting over things, so it seems you have feelings for him

- he emailed you again saying you look at HIM, and that you both know there's something there, and he cares for you

- a mutual acquaintance seems to know there is some issue here but you don't know what he thinks he knows

- you have now emailed him again

 

As I said, this looks odd, although I may have gotten this wrong in parts. It's like a great potboiler romance re the drama but it's missing pieces and could just as easily be a whole obsession/infatuation, or a strange series of misunderstandings. There is perhaps a lot of information missing?

 

Do you still think you love him? On what basis do you think you have these feelings? Do you think there is any chance he thinks you are the one staring at HIM? Although I admit I am not sure why he would keep turning around to check!

 

Is he 'all there' mentally? Do you think he is behaving as a rational person would?

 

In any event, I would stop writing emails. Please stop. It looks like both of you revert to emails to communicate, then all sorts of miscommunications arise. If this is a big deal to you, go and try to talk to him about what's happening. If he won't talk to you, like last time, you have your answer. It's not a great romance if one person will never speak directly to you.

 

Also, the emails look dangerous. You have been threatened with legal action by a person whose rationality might be in doubt. Why put anything to paper, so to speak, in that environment?

[paige123]

It is a VERY odd state of affairs! I don't obviously look at him, I see him out of the corner of my eye watching me, when I do actually look at him directly, if he's looking at me, I turn away. I really need to get past this and I don't think his behaviour is fair at all. I admit, I do have feelings for him but as I said,i'm trying to move on but it's very hard when he behaves this way. Actually, his behaviour could be seen as sexual harassment, I wouldn't go that far though, I do care about him and don't want to hurt him.

 

I think HE is the one to be obsessed with me(in a weird way) after threatening someone with legal action and then continuing to watch them is NOT normal. I only sent the last email to try once and for all to clear things up. It's like nothing stops him at all. I'm so sick at tired of the confusion. As i said, i can't avoid him completely, we have mutual friends and will cross paths from time to time. Thanks for you help.

[caro33]

I guess all I can do is agree that this sounds creepy!

 

Besides being weird with you with the staring and the call/emails, what is he like? Does your child think he's weird? (he's your son's choir master?)

 

When did you last email him?

[paige123]

Hi, thanks for responding to me! I emailed him last a week or so ago. I almost demanded that he tell me WHY he keeps staring at me after everything that has happened and that it is worrying me. I told him, he MUST have a reason for doing this and that I need to know, good or bad to put me out of my misery. My last line was "I need to get past this and I don't want to feel nervous/worried everytime our paths cross because it will happen from time to time".

 

I haven't received a response, I honestly thought it would give him every opportunity to lash back out or say whatever is on his mind. He's not being very adult!. At least if he was angry with me he might say something,anything. I seriously can't take it anymore! WHY on earth wouldn't he respond, he is the one watching me and he MUST have a reason.

 

Yes, my son has observed him watching me and he just says "mummy why does he stare at you all the time" I just reply with, "I don't know"

Anyway, obviously it's eating me up and I just don't know what to think anymore. Thanks again

[caro33]

No problem re responding, that's what we do here

 

Sorry I can't be of help. Not sure if you want to keep talking about it, but why is this worrying you so much? Is it that you had your own unresolved feelings for him, or that you don't like an unresolved situation, or you are scared of your next interaction? Something else?

 

Thing is, this looks really hard to predict in terms of what's going on. He might have all sorts of emotional issues you will never know about. Maybe you are the spitting image of someone he knew once, maybe he hears voices when he sees you. Who knows. Perhaps this is not for you to ever find out.

 

Will you be okay if he never gets in contact again and you never find out what the story is?

[paige123]

I guess for me the issue is that I just don't understand his motives and what is going on in his head. I would assume the man likes me or he wouldn't keep watching me? I just need for this to be resolved in order for me to move on. I feel though that he will never be honest with me. That's what is hard for me to deal with. I sincerely thought my latest email to him would open things up and that's why i am dissappointed! Maybe it has scared him into NOT dong it again but i guess time will tell. We really need to thrash things out but i know it won't happen.

 

Just out of interest, why do you think he didn't respond to my email? at least to defend his actions? It's bizarre!

 

I remembered a comment my young son made awhile ago, he said "I think he's in love with you and dreams about you because he stares at you all the time" (out of the mouths of babes as they say).

[caro33]

Hmm. I don't know. I'm not sure what he's like the rest of time, what's his usual pattern. I can imagine a whole bunch of completely different characters here, with different motivations, so it's all purely guesswork from my end.

 

If he is a nice guy, seems able to handle relationships, doesn't still live with his mother at age 40+, but perhaps shy, maybe he's nervous about forming a relationship with a student's mother. Maybe he's had a terrible past experience along those lines. He thinks he is in love with you and he doesn't know how to handle this. He vacillates between telling you he cares and telling himself he doesn't and shutting you out. He stares at you to look for a sign he can tell you how he feels, also because he can't take his eyes off you. He has not responded to your email because he's afraid.

 

Or maybe you really remind him of a woman who broke his heart in high school. He's not sure if you are the same person, he thinks you might have changed your name. He thinks you're playing with him, he thinks you are trying to catch him out and then report him for some reason. He's deeply paranoid and he's imbued your presense with all sorts of meaning that it doesn't actually have.

 

Or maybe he thinks you stare at HIM. He's more than deeply paranoid, he has real issues. He has built up a whole wrong-town fantasy world where you have a key role. You cannot predict what he thinks of you at any given moment, it all depends on where you are in his internal narrative.

 

So that's the basic spectrum I think he falls in, from damaged but manageable to deeply disturbed. I'm sure you would like to believe he's in line with the first explanation, but from what you've said I think if he was there this still would have progressed a little. Relationships were not meant to be THIS hard. I think the reality is more likely somewhere closer to the second and third examples, or maybe it's something else entirely.

 

There are men out there for you who aren't this much hard work! I would seriously consider trying to forget about this guy if you can, and keeping yourself away from those events for a little while. If he's a good bloke and is genuinely interested in you - if he's worthy of you in any way - you have given him a clear signal to approach, if only to discuss. If he doesn't take that opportunity I think he's shown you he's not worth the mental effort to work him out, or the emotional effort. Easier said than done, I'm sure.