I did it.

[Dilly]

I agree that you handled this like a mature, respectful, and caring partner. YOU had every right to be pulling HIM aside the next day to tell HIM that this little behavior is not cool and that he should grow up. But somehow, condescending guys want that response from women so that they can accuse them of being insecure and jealous, which you obviously are not. I would have taken the bait and refrained from biting my tongue, not that that is the BEST option, but I wouldn't be able to let that go.

[ImThatGirl]

Dilly - thank you for always making me smile...!

 

I've said enough hurtful things in my days.... Many years ago.

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

 

Ha! Yeah right! I remember hurtful words for years! I refuse to be a painful memory for anyone else.

 

Unless they really, really, really, really dig into my heart deeply and intentionally! Then I might tell them what I think - once. And feel terrible about it after the fact.

 

I never want to hurt anyone or make them feel bad about themselves especially if I care about them. Maybe that's why I'm a doormat.

[L.J.]

Truth is, I just can't imagine saying/doing those things to anyone I care about.

It is not necessarily a weakness but a fine quality of yours. It's a quality most would appreciate if they care about you.

 

More important than the truth is the requirement of truth. He's exploiting the vulnerability of your quality. His remarkably lack of interest in discussion before picking up and leaving in 10 minutes is a prime example. Maybe he's expecting from past experience that you will say you didn't mean it.

 

If you can't imagine saying/doing any of those things to anyone you care about, don't. Continue to stand your ground ...that is strength, self-control, self-respect. Very quickly he'll learn that about you.

[L.J.]

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

 

Now you got me thinking

Innocent words can be potent in the hands (tongue) of one who knows how to combine them.

 

_______________

 

Hey, you're not a doormat. You are stronger than you think!

[Dilly]

You're absolutely right, LJ. So you thought it was a bit abrupt and manipulative of him to just start packing, as well? I wasn't sure what to think. I mean, you would think that someone would offer an explanation for their behaviors, first, to hault the process of breaking up. You would think that they would come close to, if not apologising, then acknowledging the perspective you brought to the table and at least asking what should be done about it. The fact that he just walked out and didn't answer texts or calls... well, I find that distasteful. I don't know what to think about J, but he seems pretty cold from what I've heard. He wants to pitch in and be a hero every now nad then, but how often in our lives are we really heroes? I mean, it's just not in the stars for each of us to lasso the moon every day. Those hero guys... something funky about them.

[L.J.]

Not so much on the packing and leaving itself, but his lack of enthusiasm to resolve issues. The worst thing I could do is leaving a love one unhappy on her own. It's inconsiderate, selfish and immature. It also come accross that he's not taking his share of responsibility .. assuming she will take care of everything.

[ImThatGirl]

You two (and everyone else) are wonderful!!!!!

 

I'm obviously not feeling quite strong right now! Problems with my car, etc. etc.

 

He stopped by this evening with suggestions about the car. We didn't talk about anything serious. Just small talk about his situation and my car issues, Christmas presents...

 

I am weak, weak, weak right now. How is it that when it rains it pours? (Trying to keep that smile on my face. Doing good right now. Hopefully by early next week I'll have a car and feel better. Ever have one of those "I'm a loser" days? - I know I'm not but sheesh!)

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!! hugs!

[L.J.]

You have much on your plate, children, household, work, etc., compounded by the break down of your car. Yes, when it rains, it pours. You're not weak, weak, weak, but vulnerable right now. Least you're trying to keep a smile when it's raining cats and dogs. I hope you'll have a car too by next week, in time for the holiday season.

 

Ever have one of those "I'm a loser" days? Are you kidding me? I have many especially of late. Oh well, I cried because I have no shoes, until I see a man with no feet !!

[Daligal83]

ITG, I don't think you're weak at all. I think you're doing amazingly well. Breaking up is so difficult, and you were strong just for telling him that it's over. You set a great example for your children. You are showing them that you deserve to be treated right and won't allow someone to do any different. Be proud of that

[ImThatGirl]

You have much on your plate, children, household, work, etc., compounded by the break down of your car. Yes, when it rains, it pours. You're not weak, weak, weak, but vulnerable right now. Least you're trying to keep a smile when it's raining cats and dogs. I hope you'll have a car too by next week, in time for the holiday season.

 

Ever have one of those "I'm a loser" days? Are you kidding me? I have many especially of late. Oh well, I cried because I have no shoes, until I see a man with no feet !!

 

Thank you much! You are absolutely right - need to stay thankful that we have what we have! Everything will work out - It always does!

[ImThatGirl]

ITG, I don't think you're weak at all. I think you're doing amazingly well. Breaking up is so difficult, and you were strong just for telling him that it's over. You set a great example for your children. You are showing them that you deserve to be treated right and won't allow someone to do any different. Be proud of that

 

Thank you for saying so!

[Dilly]

OMG, you are one of the strongest personalities on ENA!!! I would NEVER have been able to do NC for a single day and YOU did. You have had so much going on and you really are quite a hero in my mind as a mother and friend. You're going to be fine. J - I'm beginning to see his issues more clearly. He might NEED for you to NEED him and when you're fine and getting along OK, he feels inadequate, is prone to silence and separates himself from you emotionally. He sounds really insecure and anybody who needs you to need them is dangerous... not all people... but if you have someone who is an extreme (possibly like J), they will do anything to convince you that you need them or to put you in a situation where you do (intentional or not).

[ImThatGirl]

You trying to bring tears to my eyes, Chica?

 

That was very sweet of you and means alot to me!

 

Ever since you mentioned "hero syndrome," my friend and I have referred to J as hero.

 

It's so hard because it seems that he has such a big heart in some ways. He really is very helpful. He has made some comments that make it seem as though he's a bit intimidated by the town I live in (comments like - yeah you just moved here so you could find a rich guy.)

 

He's been offering help and advice with this car situation. He now knows I can't get a good interest rate on a loan. Something I feared ever letting him know. He'll probably run the other way now! Realistically, I think he probably just feels bad for me about it. But I seriously did fear ever telling him!

[4answers]

Be true to thy self ! (what am I blithering on about... lol).

 

Each of us has certain things that we need from a relationship, without these we are unhappy. Once the emotional connection is gone you will be happier.

 

keep with the no contact. I have followed your posts and replies to others, if your man does not see you for who you are then more fool him!

 

Now why dont I live in the us! Doh!

[L.J.]

Be true to thyself but truth has anomaly (what am I blathering about ....lol)

 

Each of us has a faculty for obfuscation in perception of our need from a relationship. Nobody can promise you happiness by NC. That decision has to come from you and you alone.

[Dilly]

obfuscation - man I need a dictionary. That's like the third time in my life I've seen that, usually on words of the day. HEHEHEHE.

 

I think I understand what you are saying, LJ, but I'm not sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me so I don't feel dumb. COuld you please be more clear and dumb down your last point?

[ImThatGirl]

Here ya go, Dilly! I needed that too!

 

ob·fus·cate (ŏb'fə-skāt', ŏb-fŭs'kāt') Pronunciation Key

tr.v. ob·fus·cat·ed, ob·fus·cat·ing, ob·fus·cates

 

To make so confused or opaque as to be difficult to perceive or understand: "A great effort was made . . . to obscure or obfuscate the truth" (Robert Conquest).

To render indistinct or dim; darken: The fog obfuscated the shore.

[ImThatGirl]

You all sure know how to make a girl smile! Thank you!

 

At this point, I'm not sure what it is that I was after within the relationship. I suppose reassurance and just to see a little effort of compromising on his end.

 

Which he obviously wasn't able to do. And I wasn't able to settle for less.

 

He and I were supposed to go to his work Xmas party tonight. I would have been meeting his parents right now if I hadn't called things off last week. I talked to him a few times throughout the day. I hinted that I'd have to drive back to our hometown with my son's gma and stay here for the weekend as I didn't have a car. Since he didn't offer to take us back, I was certain he didn't plan on me going to the party.

 

He sent me a text at 3:45 stating he was on his way home. Then he called @ 5:45 to ask where I was. I dumbfoundingly (sp) stated I was still at my house an hour away. He said he was just calling to check in. Now I'm not sure whether I was expected to go or not.

 

I'll be talking to him later. At this point, I have no idea what is going to happen. We have both taken "many" steps back and have put much distance between us so we can better determine what we want. His baby will be born next Thursday. I intend on keeping the distance so he is able to deal with everything without feeling a bit of pressure from me. Course I'll be around if he needs to talk.

 

Have I completely failed here?? I guess that's for me to determine. ? Thank you all for your support. I do know that I will not just let the pieces fall into place. If we are going to work this out (not sure if we want to,) we will have lots of communicating to do beforehand.

[L.J.]

obfuscation - man I need a dictionary. That's like the third time in my life I've seen that, usually on words of the day. HEHEHEHE.

 

I think I understand what you are saying, LJ, but I'm not sure my mind isn't playing tricks on me so I don't feel dumb. COuld you please be more clear and dumb down your last point?

 

 

Dilly, you're funny. You have a way to make people smile, don't you? You too ITG

 

Need is imperative but not necessarily a determining factor for happiness (can be compromised, depending on individual). It is up to ITG to decide.

 

Vision is imperative to seeing. Hearing is imperative to listening. Would you talk to a blind about color? Would you speak to the deaf about music? Obfuscating, isn't it? Beethoven composed the Ninth Symphony when he was completely deaf, did he not?

[Dilly]

I'll be talking to him later. At this point, I have no idea what is going to happen. We have both taken "many" steps back and have put much distance between us so we can better determine what we want. His baby will be born next Thursday. I intend on keeping the distance so he is able to deal with everything without feeling a bit of pressure from me. Course I'll be around if he needs to talk.

 

Have I completely failed here?? I guess that's for me to determine. ? Thank you all for your support. I do know that I will not just let the pieces fall into place. If we are going to work this out (not sure if we want to,) we will have lots of communicating to do beforehand.

 

You are BRILLIANT!!! I think ... wow, you have done everything within your power to evaluate this situation for what it is. You gave him distance even though he didn't ask for it. You perceived he was unhappy or at least troubled, even though he didn't acknowledge it. You have had an uncanny feeling for several weeks now about him, questions about him needing space and time to think for himself. I think that what you're doing makes alot of sense. I PERSONALLY LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU TWO ARE STILL TALKING AND ... I think there you have leverage. Keep up the conversations and I think if you want you can better communicate your issues when the time comes (certainly not now when he has to think about his baby and new set of responsibilities). He will be so much more pleasant to be around when he gets out of his own funk, when this baby is finally born, and he can see how his life is impacted by it, what is expected of him, ect. Unknowns can kill a relationship and so can unexpressed fear of them. He wasn't communicating his trauma over it (so I'm making an assumption he was feeling suffocated by the X factors in his life). But you were perceptive and selfless enough to see that something didn't feel right. I really think that you did the right thing, and that you are DOING the right thing by talking to him and being there for him. You both know that there could be something in the future and you're both keeping your options open at this point because you prolly both knew something didn't feel right. I really am proud of you!!! I like the way this is shaking out honestly, because meeting the 'rents the weekend before the baby is born ---- awkward. You've used great judgment. I say if J wants to come around for Christmas though and be generous to your kiddies, let him. But once he gets funky, IF HE GETS FUNKY, occupy yourself. It's tough when somebody plops themselves in your place though and you have to sleep next to a dud. Hard to communicate that it's not working. Maybe you should refrain from sleeping in the same place if you do decide to spend any time with each other, at least for some time.

[Dilly]

Dilly, you're funny. You have a way to make people smile, don't you? You too ITG

 

Need is imperative but not necessarily a determining factor for happiness (can be compromised, depending on individual). It is up to ITG to decide.

 

Vision is imperative to seeing. Hearing is imperative to listening. Would you talk to a blind about color? Would you speak to the deaf about music? Obfuscating, isn't it? Beethoven composed the Ninth Symphony when he was completely deaf, did he not?

 

ITG tells me I do!!!

 

But you guys make me smile!!!

 

Interesting way to bring about a point, a poetic delivery to be sure!!! I am not an enthusiastic proponent of NC either, at least not strict NC. But circumstances vary. In some cases, I'm sure I would never want to talk to an ex- again (I know of one person that I would never wish to talk to again, well two). But they were both freaky staulker types who didn't back off when I advised them to. It's funny, that's there are only two times - wow - that I've gone NC. When I go NC - it's without any doubt about the lack of worth the person has in my life. They really have to push the limits with me, usually selfishly so.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you so much for all your thoughts Dilly!

 

Somehow, this does all seem so right. Again, no idea what the future holds but I care alot about him and I think he cares loads for me as well.

 

Last night I stayed at his place (I had to stay in our hometown and my mom's house is very hectic - re: no car.) We stayed up very late just talking about things. The baby, his ex, work, kids, Christmas. Again no talk about "us." We just enjoyed each others company. These kind of times are what I love with him.

 

I didn't mention about what I thought about meeting his parents before the baby is born. Awesome that you spoke my thoughts exactly! They all have alot on their shoulders, his mom included. I think it seems a bit tacky to meet her before the baby is born. Both of his parents seem to want to meet me very much - I do feel terrible about never being available to meet them. They are probably thinking "why is this girl never available!" Sometime soon, I think.... I can't put it off forever.

 

I have no idea how often I'll see J in the near future. But it's okay. We're both just really focused on other things and not consumed by each other which is great. He was nice enough to lend me his car today. THANK GOODNESS! I need to pick up my kids and go to a Xmas party and seriously had no other transportation. I need to run out to ToysRUs I think... So I better get going!

 

L.J., you definitely have an awesome way with words!!! THANK YOU, BOTH!!!!

[L.J.]

ITG tells me I do!!!

 

But you guys make me smile!!!

 

Interesting way to bring about a point, a poetic delivery to be sure!!! I am not an enthusiastic proponent of NC either, at least not strict NC. But circumstances vary. In some cases, I'm sure I would never want to talk to an ex- again (I know of one person that I would never wish to talk to again, well two). But they were both freaky staulker types who didn't back off when I advised them to. It's funny, that's there are only two times - wow - that I've gone NC. When I go NC - it's without any doubt about the lack of worth the person has in my life. They really have to push the limits with me, usually selfishly so.

 

Thanks, Dilly,

 

I am not a proponent of NC myself but advocate independent decision. Ironically, I am on NC currently. It has been painfully educational. I see it as tool for soul searching, a penultimate step to reconciliation or breaking up, not as a device to define good and evil, right or wrong. I'm growing up ... finally

[L.J.]

ITG, thanks for the compli.

 

Something good did come out of your transportation problem, you get to talk with him the way you like. Sound like you're closer to where the road forks. You do exhibit a desire to work things out in your posts. Why do you feel terrible for not being available to meet his parents? If they have questions, J has to answer, no?

[ImThatGirl]

My two cents about No Contact - I think sometimes it is necessary. When it has been determined that the relationship can never be healthy or fixed, no communication does give time for healing.

 

I just wasn't at that point of cutting ties obviously. I don't think our relationship is such that we can't work through the difficulties.

 

Yeah, I guess the car situation brought us back to speaking again. I'm sure if it wasn't that, it would have been something else. J was nice enough to bring us back to our house Sat evening. He went out shopping and then returned for the night. I didn't ask him too but was very relieved that he decided to. 4 more days until his baby is born. It was nice to have some time with him now as I have no clue what to expect as far as his schedule after this Thursday. (Just to clarify, it's not that I'm concerned he'll get back with his ex but his life is going to change drastically.)

 

We talked "a little" about last weekend. He said it was clear that I wanted him to leave so that's what he did. He said "guess that's why you want to pay all the bills for your place, so you can make me leave if you want to." I commented a little about why I was upset with him last week but we didn't go into a full blown conversation about it.

 

I'm kind of wondering about something. In a sense, it seems that we are back together. I mean, I think we are - for sure. We are keeping a little more distanced. Basically it feels like our lives are less intertwined but in a good way. Much more balanced.

 

Typically, I've been one that feels we have to talk about every problem and then fix them. Is it possible that the steps I took last week were enough for both of us to realize we need to and take the time to sort things for a more balanced relationship?

 

One thing about him lately is that he's been much friendlier and seems happy. He's been really sweet too. No stone faced "do this, do that, you're not doing that right..." Still some "suggestions" about things I need to do (silly things like better start dinner, better get all this done, should I make you a list?) but in a different light without the stone face?

 

I suppose time will tell. This is going to be a big week. Big. I can't wait until Christmas!