Just a long night

[Luck of the Irish]

A little backstory... My GF and I have been together for a while. Everything is near perfect. I can't complain about anything. Anyway, when we met she was coming out of a 3 year relationship. We fell in love but she still had feelings for the ex and they would talk all the time. It was so bad she would answer phone calls in the middle of our dates and get up and leave. It wasn't the "well I want my stuff back" type of breakup calls. She still felt something. They were friendly calls. It got to the point where I almost broke up with her several times.

 

But I do love her more than anything so I stayed in it for the long haul. We've been talking about engagement and marriage for a little while. A while back, I sat her down and told her that trust is my number one issue. I was cheated on many times in the past, and I told her that cheating is a one strike, you're out deal with me. And even something as simple as holding hands or going on a date to the movies with another guy is cheating, in my book. I was upfront and honest. I told her I was uncomfortable with her talking to him so much. I stated that I am not taking our relationship any further (engagement) until I AM comfortable. That means no more heart-to-heart convo's with the ex. I think this is very fair. And I was very upfront about it from the start.

 

Everything was fine until tonight. Actually, everything is still fine. I was looking at her phone to find a number I needed, and I see she called him. It was tonight. I brought it up, and she tells me she calls him yesterday. She tells me that he told her he had some life or death situation, but it was something he told her 2 weeks ago. So she tells two small lies. Maybe he told her again, but I know for sure that she called him today, and not yesterday. I don't know why the hell she would say that. A call to him is the same today as it was a week ago.

 

Now, I know I may sound a bit untrusting and controlling. I don't mind the occasional "Happy b-day" or "merry Christmas" call. Most people wouldn't even tolerate that. It's just the history and nature of her calls to him that has me all riled up over this. Maybe it was innocent and she thought something was really wrong. I don't know. But the fact she looked me in the eye and said she would stop talking to him is what bothers me.

 

Here's my dilemma. It's getting time for me to pop the question, but my declaration to her still stands. The fact she called him and so nonchalantly tried to play it off, as well as telling a small lie is showing me more red flags than a golf course. I don't feel comfortable with it, and I don't want to propose just yet. I don't want to hedge my feelings, because I may lose the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I don't want to jump in and let my heart lead the way, because I may get hurt all over again. Maybe it is too soon and premature. She's expecting the proposal soon too, which makes it all the worse. She is the sensitive type who will see this as a sign of us having a bad relationship. When in reality it's just me making sure this is right and getting to a state where I'm comfortable.

 

If anyone can make any sense of this horsecrap, I'd love to hear some constructive criticism. I guess I just wanted to share it. Am I wrong for telling her I am going to wait till I feel comfortable? Did I overreact to a simple phone call?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think you are completely right by waiting. You need to be happy with the relationship just as much as she does and trust issues are a big part of how you feel. I agree that its very odd that she is always talking to him and if I had been on a date where I was blown off for a call from the ex, I would have walked. I think waiting a little longer isn't going to hurt anything at all, at best it will give you time to really resolve this problem. Especially with the holidays coming up, you'll have a good indication of how you stand by how she acts toward the ex during that time.

[Luck of the Irish]

Especially with the holidays coming up, you'll have a good indication of how you stand by how she acts toward the ex during that time.

 

That's some very sound advice. Thank you! I hadn't thought of that. It makes me sad though, because I was planning an elaborate Christmas proposal.

[CarnelianButterfly]

That's some very sound advice. Thank you! I hadn't thought of that. It makes me sad though, because I was planning an elaborate Christmas proposal.

I had a friend that was having a similar time with his GF, he was going to propose while they were with her family for Hanukkah, but he was still uncomfortable and needed time. He waited a couple months and was very happy by the time he did propose.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She's still very much into the ex.

She likes you, but not to the fullhearted extent that marriage requires. If I was being honest, I'd say you should have left at the start, saying "Call me in a year if you get over him".

 

Be second best to no one in the eyes of a woman you marry!

[caro33]

Hmmm, I was in a situation very similar to this, except the one making the calls to the ex was also the one who wanted to marry me. I almost ended it a few times too, and in the end stayed but kept things proposal-free for as long as I thought was reasonable, then took the chance by letting him know it was okay.

 

Issues flared up again for us some months later, and only then did I realise that no matter how clear I THOUGHT I had been on the matter of the ex, there still seemed to be some ambiguity for him. So we killed off the ambiguity, and went to counselling. Since then things have been fine, we were married in October.

 

My point is that you MAY need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you are telling us. She may not be 'into him' but she might be choosing to put her head in the sand about what a big deal this is to you. She may well have justified some ongoing contact, with the view that she thinks it's 'safe' and what you don't know won't hurt you.

 

Once my guy finally understood the stakes for us, he stopped. But it took ages, and it took the perspective of a third party to help him see the behaviour with the ex looked bad and wasn't appropriate. And this is someone who I can guarantee is 100% per cent into me, he is extremely good in every way except for this series of blips in our history.

 

The 'ex' thing can just be more complicated than a straight out 'she's not over him, leave' situation. I would suggest total honesty from you, with a stated preparedness to walk, not just hold off a proposal. If she TRULY gets the significance of her behaviour with the ex and its effect on you, perhaps she will behave differently. If she doesn't see how this has affected you, or she continues to choose to not see, then I am all with AntiLove above.

[Rabican]

 

The 'ex' thing can just be more complicated than a straight out 'she's not over him, leave' situation. I would suggest total honesty from you, with a stated preparedness to walk, not just hold off a proposal. If she TRULY gets the significance of her behaviour with the ex and its effect on you, perhaps she will behave differently. If she doesn't see how this has affected you, or she continues to choose to not see, then I am all with AntiLove above.

 

Agreed. I think Id simply sit her down and say look, Im not comfortable with you talking to the ex. Hes an ex, he should stay that way, and matter of fact, you should pretend he never even happened. So, regardless of how harmless you think any contact with him may be, to me its a big deal. And the next time you so much as call him and say hello... were done. So the best thing you can do, is email him one last time and tell him so, and that he needs to stop contacting you. Unless your girl is his keeper, which she is not I dont see what on earth could happen that would require her assistance. What is she the only girl on earth capable of helping him with whatever problem that occurred?

It might be different if they had kids... but they dont so...