My GF avoids confrontation. big time

[basic999]

Ok me and my gf have been together off and on for 2 years, ive just figured out our biggest problem, she will make me mad and i will pop off at her and she will act like i never did it. Seriously i could do or say anything and she will never bring it up or act like it happened, i tested this last night. we were watching some show on tv and some girl was wearing something sexy, i asked her if she would wear something like that for me and she said "no"... and i was like uhh why. i mean she will wear anything ive ever asked her to and i knew the reason she said no was just because she was jealous of this girl on tv, but she wouldnt admit that was the reason. Finally i got pissed and said "fine i might just find someone who will". That was brutal of me to say and any other woman wouldve been like "screw you" and leave. But she just said, "Ok". I was mad and wasnt talking and she was like "whats wrong with you, Why arent you talking" and i was just dumbfounded, she acted like i didnt even say that. This has always gone on and ive never thought much about it, we fight a lot, and no matter what she always breaks down and gives in. i even told her she needed to grow a backbone and stop letting me treat her bad, that itd never stop if she didnt. But i finally got frustrated and told her to go home, after 15 minutes of her saying "why, im not mad, why do you want me to leave" she finally did, and now shes waiting on me to speak to her so she can act like that never happened again. How do i help her stand up for herself? i mean i know that hurting her til she snaps is a bad thing but thats the only way to get this to work.

 

Oh and she doesnt just think this stuff doesnt matter, we broke up a few times and she would just dog me to all of her friends and to my sister about how i did this and that, but she would never talk to me about it or even act mad about it.

 

This is a lot worse than this situation, this stuff has led to some really bad times between us, involving other stuff, but if i said all that stuff you guys would advise us to break up, and thats not what i want to do, i just want to help her grow up and actually show her emotions, not break up. I do love her.

[AwdreeHpburn]

basic - I do get you and understand what you're talking about. AND - I agree with you.

 

Sometimes people can be traumatised out of habits, but I don't advise that YOU do the trauamatising....

 

Maybe you could lead by example.

 

Maybe you could point out to her other times other people do things to her that she avoids and coach her on somethings that are appropriate to say in response.

 

If you notice it in yourself, first off, STOP your behaviours of mistreating her. I'm not lecturing, I understand how easy it is to inadvertantly take advantage of people like that, but you can't. Especially if you love her.

 

Of course she notices when people are rude or mean to her, but she lacks the tools to deal with it. She doesn't have to be catty or rude, but you're right in that standing up for herself can be very beneficial too.

 

But....maybe you could learn some things from her as well. Like, sometimes, somethings aren't worth getting all worked up about. Learn to let things go. Maybe you could help each other and meet somewhere in the middle.....

[Momene]

Big red flag is the fact you've been on and off tor 2 years. If you see this behaviour as immaturity that she might grow out of and you hang around long enough, you could get lucky. Or she might NEVER grow out of it.

 

If she is over 20, she will probably never grow out of it and you will learn to live with it or ditch her.

 

Sorry I can't be more optimistic but that's how I see it. Good luck, you'll need it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

she may have been raised in an environment where kids were expected to be 'seen and not heard', and never allowed to express her emotions or feelings openly... or severe punishment if she 'talked back' to her parents...

 

or maybe abuse or violence in her family where the consequences for arguing were so severe, that she's afraid to argue for fear things might escalate...

 

but everyone's arguing style is different, but you should be able to discuss differences openly, and not nastily either... if this is the ONLY thing wrong with your relationship, these are skills that can easily be learned in counseling sessions, or books etc.

 

you need to talk to her when NOT angry and say you need to learn how to argue in a positive way so you can communicate and come to compromises, and tell her that her avoidance behavior just makes you feel frustrated and isn't good for her or the relationship... then get a few counseling sessions on how to communicate together... it's not a long drawn out process, but something that would greatly benefit the two of you.

[Jayar]

Let me put a different spin on this...

 

I don't "argue" and with some exceptions I don't "communicate". I will "work on" a relationship once I've been in it for years and have been married. I won't/don't work on a relationship that's still in it's infancy. And I wouldn't have given you 2 years of my time.

 

It's not because my emotions are supressed. It's not because I grew up being seen and not heard. It's for the simple reason that I prefer to LISTEN in the early stages of a relationship (the early stage being everything pre-marriage) and not argue/order/tell. Why? Because people don't change. No matter how much you argue with them or order them to change. thereforeeee, the truest picture you get of a person is the way they behave without your influence. I have found that if I shut up and watch/listen, the guy will tell me EVERYTHING that I need to know about how he feels about me, his values, and his natural behaviours. If I get upset about something, I simply decide in my own mind if this is something I can deal with for the rest of my life or not. If not, you'd be leaving. No argument necessary.

 

So take for example the case of the sexy outfit on television. You say that if I refuse to wear the outfit, you're going to find someone who does. What am I going to do? Yell at you? Tell you that you can't leave? Tell you that I'd kill you if you even thought about cheating on me? Nope... I'd have done just like your girlfriend did and have said something like "suit yourself" or "want help getting your belongings together?" This would be two strikes against you, one because you suggested you'd find someone else if I didn't cave to your demands (even if you were non-serious) and two, perhaps more importantly, that you'd say such a thing to start an argument/get a rise out of me. In that case arguing would have been pointless. Besides, you know that was an immature jab anyway.

 

If you can think of 2 or 3 more examples like the above, you'd have gotten the boot. Why argue? There are thousands of fish in the sea! Why bother with a relationship that requires conflict right off the bat? A long-term relationship (marriage) is hard enough when you start off on the RIGHT foot! I have no interest in handicapping myself. Maybe your girlfriend is another smart cookie.

[lucia]

Finally i got pissed and said "fine i might just find someone who will". That was brutal of me to say and any other woman wouldve been like "screw you" and leave. But she just said, "Ok".

 

Hey if it was me I would say ok too. She probably thought you're just kidding. This is just so silly that it's not work getting mad over it, seriously.

This is just so weird that you treat your gf like that. I have some friends that wish their gf could just chill out and stop getting mad at them for every stupid reason. Think about it. I think you're lucky and I think you're gf is just patient (that's not a bad think)

[unface]

i mean i know that hurting her til she snaps is a bad thing but thats the only way to get this to work.

 

No, no... maybe she LIKES it...

 

Run with it. See where it leads.

[brokenhearted86]

I think that you should have told her how you felt and not been so manipulative. Don't test her feelings. Tell her how you feel.

[EvaGina]

You are a tool.

How about you dont give her a reason to stick up for herself?

Treat her well and it wont matter if she avoids confrontation, will it?

 

The poor girl is probably dying on the inside

[valiantv]

You've nothing to complain about (basic999)! You're acting like an a$$hol€ towards her! Trying to make her jealous? (BTW I would have assumed you were joking with that comment)... Getting mad and sending her home? The best advice you can give her is to tell her to go and find a better guy!