Horrible Existence

[AhypnoticSuggestion]

Oh, indeed, life is quite cruel. For some of us at least. I'm one of these angry, hatefilled, a-holes who view only the negative aspects in all areas of life. I can't really help it; for me, happiness is a long forgotten pleasure which is now utterly unatainable. I should probally warn you now that this is more of a rant, writing helps me cope - especially if I know someone is reading it. So, if you do read this, thanks for your time. (if you can relate, or possibly offer up some words of advice, you won't go unapreciated I assure you)

 

So let me tell you about why I think, or rather why I know, that I'm a rotten person and the air I breathe is quite simply wasted. Now, this is a little personal, but I was cursed the moment I entered this world with a tiny little penis. Just shy of 5 inches, with not much girth, it serves it's purpose not as a sexual organ, but a constant reminder of my physical inadquacies. What am I suppose to do with this thing? Putting a condom on my penis is quite comical as it is simialr to putting a hotdog in a trashbag. By default I'm a shy guy and have difficulty opening up around new people, but I was always able to eventually overcome that intial shyness. Until of course I turned 12 or 13, and I realized that size, perhaps not to all but certainly to many, is truly a factor and is important for sexual activities. That's when my fear of women, and bitter attitude twoards life, started. The possibilty of growth was always a comforting bit of hope, but now as I am done growing, that fear has evolved into terror and that bitterness has become pure anger. I can't walk around town or campus and smile or make conversation with women. Everytime I form a friendship with a girl, it always leads to them liking me. Oh yes, once I come out of my shell and start to be friendly with a girl,(I'll always flirt and lead her on) she wants to make something more of it and I immediately shut her out and end the friendship - or make it known that I want nothing more than a friendship - when in reality, I really like them, and would want nothing more than to have a loving relationship with them. But that fear grabs hold of me, and I become terrified of what she'd think of me when she sees it.

 

My current state is one of utter hopelessness. All I want in life, is to have a a partner. I'm 18, girls say I'm "cute", I can be pretty funny sometimes too. As a boyfriend, I'd try my best to ensure that my girl is happy. Because that's all I want; happiness for me would come as a result of me making someone else feel good - specifcally a women. I'm very outgoing and loyal to those I love. But I just can't find a way to beat that fear, at least not a permanent way. For 2 years I turned to drugs to make me feel good. I was addicted to coke for a year and half, smoked weed everyday for 2 whole years (no exaggeration), and pretty much got drunk whenever I could get it (3-4 times a week). Ciggerettes seem to help too. However, I quit the coke, stopped smoking weed, and only have a beer everynow and then. I love ciggerettes too much to stop! Anyway, I thought getting straight would level my head and force me to face my fears and beat them. Of course it hasn't, however, in fact it's just made me feel like absolute crap all the time.

 

My outlook now is so...morbid. I'm letting myself go. I have just stopped careing whatsoever about how I come off to other people. I'm so angry now..I'm mean to people, even my friends. I was having a discussion with a friend on the purpose of life. They were shocked, and I think somewhat disgusted, when I gave them my outlook: "I don't want to be remembered, I don't want to make a lot of money - what's the point? Why care? When we die we rot in the ground and we are all forgotten so our lives are meaningless. There's no real point in anything we do. I don't care if I live a lonely life, because it is all meaningless." I just see my friends, who are happy, and it upsets me so I don't like being around them much now.

 

I don't really even talk to people much nowadays. I do various things to keep myself busy during the day, but I never feel up to hanging out. I hate the sight of beatiful and happy people, because it reminds me of what I'm not and likely will never be; likewise, I hate the sight of self-loathing, depressed people because it reminds of myself - and I hate myself.

 

I'm deranged now, totally unhappy. But it's to the point where I don't care about being a deranged and unhappy. I think, although it's just a thought I'm not sure if it's true, that there is a spec of hope left in me. Yes, I think that the notion of a girlfriend still excites me and brings me remote feelings of happiness. Such a wonderful thought! Someone who loves me, and who I can love back...but it's simply a notion, a stray thought in the back of my mind, I don't really intend on chasing the dream.

 

Fear beat me, and I urge that you never let it beat you. Confront your fears and try your best to overcome them, for rarely will they simply disappear, you have to give it your best effort.

 

My thanks to anyone that read this!

[dil]

wow.

 

All this over a penis size? I can't believe you! You should speak to some women on here, most women don't care a straw about the size of a guy's penis.

 

I'm sorry buddy, it's just so farfetched...

 

Guys care more about penis size than women do. It doesn't take a large penis to give a woman an orgasm.

[Alabama]

You can still have a good loving relationship with a girl, but so what if your Penis is small? Hell, it is not the end of the world. Where you abused as a child? Were you raped? These are serious things that can affect your life and I can see why they would ruin your outlook in life. But simply due to shyness and your physical appearance, is no means an end. You can overcome these with time. You are only 18 as you stated, and can easiliy overcome obstacles if you truly try. Have you though of seeing a counselor? I think they would maybe be able to help you with your problem. But don't let fear ruin your life as it has a little now. It's not worth it.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Man, if anything, you've won CynicalGuitarist's golden Pick (haha bad joke) for "post of the day". Just hang in there bro; if enough people in this world hear about our misery and lonliness by showing them we're not gonna take it anymore, then all of us who've never been given a chance will be seen in a different light. Heck, resistance is the only way change is ever made and freedom is ever kept.

[Baby Carrot]

Hey AHS,

 

I'm not gonna pretend what ur going thru lacks importance... like "Uhhhh all this over the size of your penis....get over it" I don't think minimizing things is a way to really get over them.

 

I know how it feels cuz I've also realized size do matter. The size of a penis is as important as the size of a rack in this society. So yeah, I know how it feels to be "less" than the others for a matter of size. I'm pretty flatchested, and that would be just like having a small penis.

 

I've also had a jaded existencialist attitude for years. And dislike deeply all those people that seem like they live in a constant Kodak moment. A few months ago I felt also like a waste of resources and air, and yeah people tend to feel disgusted and shocked, and run the hell away from you. I didn't see any point at all either, about like, nothing. Until it turned into a downward spiral, the more I believed in that, the worst I felt.

 

And I was also damn angry.

 

I got over this, and no I don't live in a Kodak moment and I'm not like all those shiny happy people out there, but the most important lesson I got from this, was that all this years, I lived my life like a victim of circumstances, expecting good things to just fall from heaven for me (boyfriend and romance included), without doing really nothing to improve my circumstances or take responsibility for my own life and actions.

 

To be blunt to you my friend, this is all in your head, and all this crap you're sinking in, is nothing but your responsibility. You made it all up. You made your bed and sooner or later YOU HAVE TO weasel out of it.

 

Your penis or any other thing is gonna keep ruining your existence (even with a loving caring girlfriend repeating you to death that she loves it just the way it is) as long as you keep letting it. Is your choice that size is an obstacle for finding happiness.

 

The answer is not in some girl out there. Noone can be loved unless you love yourself first, and be honest, you hate yourself, so how are you gonna suddendly fix your life just because you are in a relationship? A loving couple is not the answer of ur prayers.

 

The dream of romance is not what you should intend chasing. You have to chase and catch your own self steem first, and the notion of responsibility for your own actions and your own life.

 

Confront your fears and try your best to overcome them, for rarely will they simply disappear, you have to give it your best effort.

 

Why don't you put into practice your own words? Or maybe is easier to simply complain about things than to make a plan in order to improve them?

 

To be even more blunt, is not a girlfriend's or life's responsibility to make you happy, is yours. Like Frodo was told, this is your mission, and if ur not willing to accomplish it, noone else will.

[AhypnoticSuggestion]

Man, if anything, you've won CynicalGuitarist's golden Pick (haha bad joke) for "post of the day". Just hang in there bro; if enough people in this world hear about our misery and lonliness by showing them we're not gonna take it anymore, then all of us who've never been given a chance will be seen in a different light. Heck, resistance is the only way change is ever made and freedom is ever kept.

Haha, thanks man.

 

@BabyCarrot: I never really looked at it like that; I've always looked at a girlfriend as the key factor in becoming a happy person. It just seems like if I could find one person, who would know me, know my problem(s), and still stay with me, that my fears would cease to exist. You know? But you certainly have a point, it might not; I might have to get over it on my own; the fix for my problem, unfortunetly, might be much more complicated than simply getting a girlfriend. In fact, seeing as how you've been in a similar situation to mine, you're probally dead on. Definetly some food for thought, thank you very much. If you don't mind me asking, what are some specific things did you do to overcome? I'm really quite clueless.

[Baby Carrot]

I've always looked at a girlfriend as the key factor in becoming a happy person. It just seems like if I could find one person, who would know me, know my problem(s), and still stay with me, that my fears would cease to exist.

 

Weeeeell. There you have. You are deciding to put your chance of a happy bright existence in the hands of some girl out there that might not even be up to take that responsibility. See it from the outside... would you accept that kind of responsibility from some girl? If someone told you "Dude, stay with me, listen to my problems so my fears cease to exist!!!!!" you would probably run hard in the opposite direction... like "Geez, I have my own problems, I can't cope with the burden of someone else's honestly..."

 

The person that knows you, knows your problems and will stay with you forever is noone else but YOURSELF. So you better start loving YOU and doing something for your self steem, or else you will be confined to live with your own worst enemy for life.

 

If you've been hating and destroying yourself so far, and it didn't make any good, why don't you try loving yourself now for a change? You really have nothing to lose, do you?

 

 

...might be much more complicated than simply getting a girlfriend...

Yeah, I used to think exactly that when I was younger (15 or something) I sooo wanted a boyfriend. Like, badly. I wasn't going thru a deep depression but I was convinced my life was gona improve a huge deal with the presense of some blue prince.

 

That's the attitude of a coward, of princess Rapunzel waiting to be saved by prince charming. As a hostage in the highest tower, harassed by a big mean dragon just waiting, instead of putting on her Levi's and run the hell away for herlsef, go to a club and meet several hot prince's instead of just one that is taking ages in showing up.

 

The trick is to expand your own reality and realize you're the only responsible for the situation you're in, no matter how easy and comfortable it is to blame your parents, your teachers, your classmates, your boss, the government, the culture...your penis, ya know. None of them are guilty of your misery: you are.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what are some specific things did you do to overcome? I'm really quite clueless.

 

It helped me a huge deal to realize it was all my responsibility.

 

I read books. I posted here about an amazing book that helped me understand a lot of things about dark destructive sad periods in one's life (The Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore) -I'm not saying this is like the ultimate book for overcoming depression, only that personally it is super awesome- you may find the reading material that works for you.

 

I also started defining all that things I was unhappy about in my life and thinking of ways to change them or improve them. Instead of being a passive whiner that just sits around waiting for things to get better by themselves (believe me, they don't, you can sit in your butt to smoke weed and cut your veins and nothing is gonna get any better unless you do something about it).

 

And so on, you gotta find your own methods and see what helps you.

 

So, if you do read this, thanks for your time. (if you can relate, or possibly offer up some words of advice, you won't go unapreciated I assure you)

You seem like a really sweet sensitive guy, which is great. The disadvantage is, you are hurt more easily (I'm like that too) and then u start holding a BLEEPload of grudge and then everything turns to BLEEP. But u gotta find a way to turn that sensitivity into an advantage, a strenght, instead of a weakness.

 

About the penis size, well, around here guys are not big at all. Actually, they're all 5 inches or less. And is not the end of the world. My ex was 5 inches and he turned out to be a jerk, but I never had any complaint about the sex. It never crossed my mind that I wanted a "bigger" thing for my pleasure. It was just fine the way it was. Is not about the size, is about how you shake the business ! Believe me, ur perfectly capable of driving a girl crazy in bed with nothing more but what you have.

 

 

Best of luck.