Calling to check in

[Workman]

Hey everyone, I need a little advice.

 

I have posted about my girlfriend before. She has exhibited what I think is controlling behavior before. Which I had decided to overlook for a while.

 

Here is what happened lately that makes me think that this behavior is not going to pass. Let me give you the over view. I work days at an office job. She works nights at a restaurant. The other night, I was invited out for drinks with a large group of coworkers. It was sort of a going away event for an employee. We went out and had a few drinks at the restaurant my girlfriend works at. Which she was fine with. She ended up getting a break for a couple hours and didn't want to stay with us, she wanted to go home and rest, as she was getting called back to work in a two hours. She told me to stay and have fun.

 

The crowd ended up going to someones house for a small social gathering.

My girlfriend called later and it turns out she did not have to go in to work.

She was upset with me for not calling to invite her to the party.

 

I am confused by her anger because it seems irrational. She says that even though I knew she had to work that I should have called her to A) let her know that I was leaving her restaurant and B) to extend her an invite to the party. Am I completely wrong, doesn't that sound a little controlling.

 

To me it seems like she wants me to check in with her, to make sure my plans are satisfactory. And that I should invite her to everything that I am doing, even if I know that she has to work. Her rationale is that many times she gets off of work early, or gets sent in late so I never know for sure that she is not available. So she wants me to assume that she might be able to get out of work and let her know about every event or change in plans.

 

I told her it seems much more fair for her to call me on those occasions that she is off of work and we can make plans that way. She says that if we do it that way, she feels like it would not be a real invitation, but a forced one.

 

Does this seem a little nuts to anyone else? Should I be calling her at work everytime I have a change in plans, so that she feels I have included her. I think she is overstepping her bounds in a way.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I would say it should go both ways. You should tell her when you're going out even if she's working, but then she should also keep you informed as to her hours and the changes.

 

After the change in her work time on that night, if she had wanted to go she should have called you and told you she no longer had to work. On other occasions you can still say, I'm going out, if your work time changes you can call me and join up.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i don't know, this sounds a little much... like she is expecting you to read her mind and KNOW she wasn't going back to work when she had told you she had...

 

i would label her behavior more insecure than controlling... she sounds like she is interpreting any independence on your part from her as scarey... afraid you will meet someone else? have fun without her?

 

she is not married to you, so you shouldn't have to give her every detail of your schedule (even married people don't do that)... she has a right to expect you to treat her with respect, make sufficient plans with your that you get together enough to make the relationship work, etc. but you have a right to go to work functions and not be accountable to her for every second of your day.

 

so i would talk more about this with her... why does she feel she needs to know where you are every minute, or be with you every minute you are not at work... then you need to decide how much time is ok to spend with each other, but everyone deserves some freedom and indepedence, she's not your mother and doesn't have to know where you are every minute, nor be invited to every single thing you do...

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I too work in a restaurant and it is virtually impossible to "guesstimate" when I will be out. It depends on a lot of factors, which unless I am psychic, I have no idea what those factors will be. My boyfriend and I run into the same issue and because times vary, I CALL him. For example, I was scheduled to do a "stay though" this past Saturday. Which means I work all afternoon and stay "through" the evening being the first cut. But, one guy showed up even though he was not on the schedule for the evening and wanted to work. I was asked if I wanted to go home. I opted to go home because I was tired, I was busy all day and made good money.

 

So I called my boyfriend to let him know I will home within the next hour. Or if I have to stay late, I will call so he will not worry. But because my schedule varies so much, I call first. Your girlfriend should know better. She should have called you to let you know she was sent home early. Then I am sure you would have invited her to your friends' house. You are not a mind reader and I would tell her that if the subject comes up again. Also, make a deal with her the next time she gets out early or gets sent home earlier than scheduled, to have her call you. The restaurant business is VERY unpredicatable so there is no way for you know what is going on, it is up to her to fill you in.

 

Hope things work out. Take care.

[Day_Walker]

I have a friend that would say "that is soooo irrational that it's hot." This is one of those things that you arent going to win. Basically she is arguing this point because she was at home alone while you were out having fun. If you feel that she is out of line then you actions need to show that. I would tell her that she needs to grow up and realize that you dont read minds. I would also tell her that it is not my job to keep her informed of every little change in the plans. That is all I would say. If she wanted to talk about it more then I would say that Ive said what Im going to say and thats it.

[Workman]

Thank you. It sounds like I am not crazy after all. I think our relationship might be coming to an end over this. Her attitude on things like this have bled over into other areas.

 

 

She has been wanting to move in together, I told her I wasn't ready for that yet. She gets most upset about the issue when I have other plans, she says that it wouldn't be so hard to coordiante our plans if we lived together. I think what she is saying is, you wouldn't be able to make your own plans if we lived together. She even said that evidently HER opinion doesn't matter in the decision of whether or not to move in together. Basically saying that, if we don't move in together because that shows that her opinion doesn't matter at all. In other words, the only way her opinion counts is if we move in together (she gets what she wants), not matter how ready we are for that

[Day_Walker]

I dont want to stereotype but it is common in relationship for either sex to make such statements that the other person is being selfish because they wont do what the preson making the demands asks of them. This has never made sense to me but it happens very often. I would say that it is a good call that you dont move in together since you are sensing the end of the relationship.

[kellbell]

Hey Workman,

 

"she says that it wouldn't be so hard to coordiante our plans if we lived together."

 

This is HARDLY a good reason to live together. With this rationale, it will not work out. I lived my ex for over three years and due to his career, I hardly saw him. He traveled quite a bit and I was alone...A LOT. And because he ran the terminal (delivery industry), it was very hard for him to "guesstimate" when he will be home. So coordinating homecooked meals was a nightmare, and when we will go out. I ended up eating late most of the time because he got home late and our sleep schedules were non-existant. It was not the greatest setup and we lived together.

 

I believe your girlfriend is insecure and wrongly feels that she has the right to know what you are doing at any given moment and to be part of everything you are doing. Every person needs his/her space and time alone or with his/her friends. I strongly discourage you shaking together, in fact, I think your relationship will end a lot quicker if you do so.

[kellbell]

Hey,

 

I went back and read you post from September and things have not changed in three months. I do not see it ever changing. Her reasoning for moving in is way off. You don't move in together for sake of convience which I feel she is in that frame of mind.

 

You sound more grounded and level-headed where your girlfriend sounds insecure and bit controlling. You both are on completely different playing fields. I just don't see this working out. I am so sorry.

[lizziebee]

Have you made the committment of saying 'I LOVE YOU'? Does she think that means that she must know of every move you make? If someone does not trust me, and I give them no reason not to, then I have to wonder about the accusers trustworthiness.....By no means do you HAVE to check in with this girl, especially an office function no matter who is there and what is going on, it is an extension of who you are and what you do....Maybe she needs some space and is trying to pick a fight with you so you will back off first and make you look like the bad guy....be careful out there, not all women are wolves, but the ones I have come accross, as a straight woman, they are worse than the whole pack put together and make the rest of us look bad. Good luck. Be careful.