My Husband Doesn't Want Me

[ifthisisntlove]

Here is the long and the short of it: I've been married to my husband for 13 years. I've been told by others that I am attractive, intelligent, and talented. By my husband never wants to talk to me (especially about anything serious and particularly about anything pertaining to our relationship), and he AVOIDS having sex with me. I have a pretty high sex drive, but every single time I ask, he rejects me. If we ever have sex, it's because he wants it, and generally, that's in the mornings of his days off. Because I work graveyard shifts, that's when I am sleeping, but he pretty much gets his way because, if I don't, I'd never get it. My question is: when do I just say, "I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship" and move on? He refuses to see a counselor, and gets angry anytime I try to talk to him about it. He is 38 and I am 30. We have 3 kids together, but they are all away at school most of the year. What do I do?

[Jayar]

I wouldn't be putting up with it. I realize you're married, but it seems like you've tried. I say at 30 you're still young enough to go out there and find the love you deserve! And your husband can still be a good father to your kids even if you're not married anymore. JMO.

[lost_status]

Hi, welcome to enotalone!!

You know, many people would be able to relate to you. You have to try and talk to him about, even if he doesnt want to hear it, remind him why you married him, let him know how you feel. The key to any relationship is communication. If he doesnt want to hear it, write him a letter, put it with his lunch for work or in the book he is reading, or even in his pillow (he can read it while your working at night).

 

Good luck

 

Marriage cant be thrown apart or thrown away so easy, you need to work at it to get results.

[Dako]

Sounds like you know the answer, but are getting your strength up to move on.

If he won't work on it after seeing you're serious, you can't do much else.

 

People of any age can start over.

Even ancient fossils like me.

[EvaGina]

just say, "I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship" and move on? QUOTE]

 

Just do it now.

If he is not willing to admit the reletionship isnt working, then there isnt really anything you can do.

[Survictor]

Sex can become very mundane with the same person after many years and so you should try to spice it up a little by indulging him in a fantasy or setting the scene. I think I described to one couple how they could *have a picnic on the floor, surrounded by flowers and candles before going to the bedroom. Have on some sexy undies etc., but this should not be a quick rush job in the morning.

 

If he does not appreciate you, your efforts to show you love him, will not speak about it and discuss the problems with you, will not visit a counsellor with you then this relationship is heading for a break down anyway and if he rejects you after you have made such an effort (as described above), then he he thoughtless and inconsiderate too.

 

* This for me would be make or break time and if I was rejected by him, I think I would tell him I wanted to end the relationship and if he was still uncommunicative... that would give me all the answers I needed. Then I would leave or ask him to.

 

Ultimately, you have to do what you believe is right for you and your family and as others have said, at 30 you still have time to find that special love.

[turqoise]

Since when has he been not talking to you like you want, and how long have you felt like you can`t talk with him? Who have you talked to instead? Have other men hit on you during htis time? You`ve also stressed the sex thing -is it possible that he`s developed an insecurity with sex?

[ifthisisntlove]

I wouldn't be putting up with it. I realize you're married, but it seems like you've tried. I say at 30 you're still young enough to go out there and find the love you deserve! And your husband can still be a good father to your kids even if you're not married anymore. JMO.

 

Thank you for your reply and advice.

 

I sort of feel as though I have more than tried. I forgave him and stuck with him after he quit his job and asked me for a divorce to go be with some gal he met online. I put up with the way he ignores me and focuses on himself. I have worked two jobs and gone to school full-time while taking care of three toddlers while he sat on his * * * for 6 months not looking for work. Now, he finally has a good job that he likes, I have finally graduated... I almost feel like we are out of the stressful period, and I keep hoping that, in just a few more weeks, it will get better and he will "see" me again. But that few weeks keeps coming and going and never gets here. I am just tired of it.

[ifthisisntlove]

I agree. You are still young enough to find somebody who will love you, desire you and want to have sex with you. It sounds like your husband is taking you for granted. This behaviour is not the hallmark of a respectful relationship. Probably the best thing you can do in the short-term is say "no" to his advances. He is taking advantage of you because he knows he can. People really respect you when you say "no", believe me!

 

I've said "no." He doesn't care. He gets up and goes to work, and I try to sleep.... It's just so tiring thinking that the person you really want to be with doesn't want you back.

[ifthisisntlove]

Hi, welcome to enotalone!!

You know, many people would be able to relate to you. You have to try and talk to him about, even if he doesnt want to hear it, remind him why you married him, let him know how you feel. The key to any relationship is communication. If he doesnt want to hear it, write him a letter, put it with his lunch for work or in the book he is reading, or even in his pillow (he can read it while your working at night).

 

Good luck

 

Marriage cant be thrown apart or thrown away so easy, you need to work at it to get results.

 

 

I've written him letters. He never speaks of them. If I mention them, he just acknowledges that he found them and nothing else. If I broach the subject with him in conversation, he is immediately in "defense" mode and starts yelling if I point out any little thing. To top it off, he doesn't want me talking about it to anyone else... not my parents, not my siblings, not even a therapist.

[ifthisisntlove]

just say, "I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship" and move on? QUOTE]

 

Just do it now.

If he is not willing to admit the reletionship isnt working, then there isnt really anything you can do.

 

You're right; I know you are. The only things stopping me are the fact that I can't seem to get a job even with my degree (I've enver had a job in my field before) and that I am just plain stubborn. I hate to fail anything. And this feels like failing, but I have no idea what I did wrong.

[ifthisisntlove]

On his last birthday, I took him out, let him play in a pool tournement, and I was his arm ornament.And then I threw him a surprise party with all his friends there. And then we got home and I did some really neat, surprising things for him, and he really seemed to appreciate it at the time. But he's never mentioned it again. Not even once. Not even in passing.

 

And it depresses me because he's never bought me a birthday present and only once bought me an anniversary present, and every year on our anniversary, he wants to go to Wal*Mart... to buy half-price golf stuff.

[ifthisisntlove]

Since when has he been not talking to you like you want, and how long have you felt like you can`t talk with him? Who have you talked to instead? Have other men hit on you during htis time? You`ve also stressed the sex thing -is it possible that he`s developed an insecurity with sex?

 

I can pinpoint the exact moment things started to go downhill. I was pregnant with our second child and not feeling well at night, and our oldest child woke up and he told me to go get him and take care of him (he wasn't working at the time), and I told him "no." And he sat up straight in bed and said, "F*** YOU! I AM TIRED OF ALL YOUR F***ING S***!"

 

And, then there was the lying about 4 months later, about stupid things, like a subscription to Playboy that suddenly, mysteriously started showing up. And then there was the stress of our third child's emergency surgery at 8 days old and the horrendous bills that followed. I blame a lot of what happened next on the stress of that situation. Not that it excuses what he did, but it does sort of explain it, in my mind, since he's never told me why it happened. He got caught up in an online "affair" and asked me for a divorce.

 

I don't really talk to anybody about it. I've internalized everything about it. I sit around sometimes, wondering what it is that I have done wrong. I feel like I would make a good companion and lover; I'm in a band, and I am constantly "hit-on" by men in bars we play at. In fact, it wasn't until a drummer in my band, at one point, told me that he thought I was beautiful that I started to see any worth in myself at all.

 

And I don't think he's insecure about sex. The sex has never been bad, and I've told him that. I've always been faithful to him, but, lately, I find myself, late at night after shows, thinking about the offers from men that I get and wondering if it could be any better.

[wexmen]

have you ever head a lesson ? ( actually this lesson is for those whose husband get affair and they must think about the following )

 

husband or boyfriend not interested in sex not because their problem, it is largely come from you,let say , the shape of your body , the way you treat him, your almost losing attractive face towards him or others factor.

 

you got to think about it .

[Juliana]

Or not.

 

I too get hit on all the time, and my husband claims to want to have sex...but getting to the point of actually having it is my responsibility. I also didn't use to talk about it or face it, but I've been doing some work on myself and my life, and the other day I realized, he likes to put me in no win situations. For instance, if I'm cleaning the house, I'm not having sex with him. If I'm having sex, the house is too dirty. He finds something to be angry about. All the time. When we were first married, everything, from the mortgage to the power bill to his weight problem, was my fault.

 

About a month or so ago I told him, if he didn't initiate it, we wouldn't be having sex. So far, nothing. He has, however, started to complain about how we're not having sex. The no-win here is, if I initiate sex, it leaves me feeling like he doesn't really want me, and I'm doing all the work in the relationship. If I wait for him to initiate it, we don't have sex, and he gets angry at me. I'm waiting to see how long this goes, and exactly how this will be my fault as well. I'm sure in his mind, it is.

[Caterina]

Stuff you probably already know: He has a sexual perversion/addiction. Don't blame yourself. There are plenty of men out there who won't have this problem and who will jump to have a chance to sleep with you.

[bitbit]

maybe he's preoccupied with someone else? has his relationship with the girl he met online ended? if he's not willing to get counseling he's not willing to work for the greater good of your relationship. i've heard with some guys it can be a struggle to get them to go to counseling, but when i asked my boyfriend he didn't even blink an eye before he said yes. i think he is being unfair and trying to ignore you on purpose hoping you'll go away. there's no need to be in a relationship like that. maybe you don't have to get a divorce right away. just pick up and move out one day while he's not home. he'll come home to an empty house and want to know why. then, he's got no choice but to work at your relationship or you'll just stay out.

[bitbit]

have you ever head a lesson ? ( actually this lesson is for those whose husband get affair and they must think about the following )

 

husband or boyfriend not interested in sex not because their problem, it is largely come from you,let say , the shape of your body , the way you treat him, your almost losing attractive face towards him or others factor.

 

you got to think about it .

 

when you're in a mature, long term relationship, you completely almost forget what the person looks like. initially, i fell head over heels for my boyfriend b/c he's gorgeous and has a great body. i always wanted something physical with him. now, i love him because of his heart and his mind. and i always want to be near him. your comment is very insulting.

[Shadows Light]

have you ever head a lesson ? ( actually this lesson is for those whose husband get affair and they must think about the following )

 

husband or boyfriend not interested in sex not because their problem, it is largely come from you,let say , the shape of your body , the way you treat him, your almost losing attractive face towards him or others factor.

 

you got to think about it .

 

Are you kidding me???

 

Well.. I suppose if she becomes indisposeed and gosh forbid contracts some aweful illness its a "great" excuse to leave her, move on to the next gal and let her rot eh??

 

Thats just plain insulting!!!

 

To the orginal poster......

 

You do not need permission to leave if that is your inclination.

 

Only you will know when the time is right. If you have turned over every single stone... gathered all the data, examined it, analyzed it... and have done every thing in your power to save this marriage...and you still hit a brick wall. Then... is the time to move on.

 

I sympathize with you very much. I've been there and its NOT a good place to be. To be unwanted and unloved. I always said that the saddest thing in the world is ....

 

Being Married... and being lonely.

[turqoise]

OK, so it seems he`s just being selfish about sex.

He won`t talk with you about any of this stuff since you were pregnant, but you haven`t talked with anyone that, say, knows both of you and could give you an objective view with all info.

you`ve been hit on, and now, being able to see that you are desirable to other men, wonder whether you should leave the current relationship.

 

When you were pregnant with your second, you said:

I told him "no." And he sat up straight in bed and said, "F*** YOU! I AM TIRED OF ALL YOUR F***ING S***!"

You said that this was the beginning of it all....but I don`T understand. Why did he respond like that?

[Shadows Light]

You said that this was the beginning of it all....but I don`T understand. Why did he respond like that?

 

Maybe because he couldn't handle all the responsibility that comes along with being a parent.

 

My "x" didn't take into consideration that I was bone tired. After the baby came home I took what could be described as "cat naps".... I never really slept. I was on-call 24/7... I nursed my baby and had to get up a few times a night to nurse and change diapers. And gosh forbid... my child has an ear infection or is collicy.. I was up for all of this too.

 

After the first 6 weeks... I also went to work and worked full time.

 

Do ya think I was a little... tired. Maybe my hormones were a mess. My body miss shapen. Emotions a little raw.

 

And yes... I heard that same words come out of hubby's mouth....

 

"I'm so sick of your f'n s***"

 

Yep.

 

What I didn't hear was.... "honey don't get up, I'll get get her this time"

 

Or....

 

"Honey you need some rest, why don't you take a nap and I'll take care of the baby."

 

My "X" couldn't fathom all the realities of being a parent. He didn't get it. And it might have happened in this instance too.

 

Its worse with the 2nd child, because you can't just try to sleep when the baby sleeps.. child number #1 keeps a different schedule. So you just get more run down. When your that beat... when your that tired... you don't feel Sexy. What you need is gentle TLC.... not sexcapades.

[Shadows Light]

To the OP....

 

Try to get into marriage counseling with your husband. If he won't go... seek counseling for yourself.

 

Don't give into the temptation of those that flatter you and boost your ego's outside of the marriage. Its a nice to know.... but hollow if you follow through with it while still in a relationship.

[Shadows Light]

To the OP....

 

Try to get into marriage counseling with your husband. If he won't go... seek counseling for yourself.

 

Don't give into the temptation of those that flatter you and boost your ego's outside of the marriage. Its a nice to know.... but hollow if you follow through with it while still in a relationship.

[ifthisisntlove]

have you ever head a lesson ? ( actually this lesson is for those whose husband get affair and they must think about the following )

 

husband or boyfriend not interested in sex not because their problem, it is largely come from you,let say , the shape of your body , the way you treat him, your almost losing attractive face towards him or others factor.

 

you got to think about it .

 

 

Well, um... I can't imagine him being upset about the way I treat him. I've always been supportive of whatever he wanted to do at the time (including being a cop (which didn't work out), joining the military (he was too old), going back to college... three times (and flunking out the last time), and getting his CDL), I'm fine with giving him oral sex whenever he wants it, and I'm up for almost anything. I give him time with his friends and brothers, and about the only thing I push him to do is take out the trash since it is often too heavy for me to take out to the curb. I like football and can work on a carbuerator and talk about cars. And I like sex.

 

Further... the shape of my body. This is almost insulting, if you don't mind my saying. I don't need to describe myself to you, but, well, let's just say that that certainly isn't the problem. Other men are attracted to me (and have told me (and him!!) that). And lets' just say, I still get carded... to buy "R" rated movies at Wal*Mart. You have to be 16 for that.

 

I am starting to think that the real problem lies in that he is taking me for granted, and is selfish. He wants sex on his schedule, and believes that he can get it from me whenever he wants it.

 

Believe me, when he asked me for a divorce over some liar he met on the Internet, I went over everything that could have been my fault, and I changed.

[ifthisisntlove]

maybe he's preoccupied with someone else? has his relationship with the girl he met online ended? if he's not willing to get counseling he's not willing to work for the greater good of your relationship. i've heard with some guys it can be a struggle to get them to go to counseling, but when i asked my boyfriend he didn't even blink an eye before he said yes. i think he is being unfair and trying to ignore you on purpose hoping you'll go away. there's no need to be in a relationship like that. maybe you don't have to get a divorce right away. just pick up and move out one day while he's not home. he'll come home to an empty house and want to know why. then, he's got no choice but to work at your relationship or you'll just stay out.

 

No, he doesn't want to go to counseling. He says that he is happy; if I am unhappy, well, then, to his thinking, I am the one who should go to counseling.

 

His "relationship" with the person he met online ended years ago. I know he hasn't contacted her, and she hasn't contacted him, either. It took me a long time to rebuild the trust, but it's back, for the most part.