When Is It Abuse...and When To Walk Away?

[whatchamacallit]

LB, you have helped me and I enjoyed reading this thread. I too, was in a relationship where he belittled me and gave me that line you mentioned...."you just don't get it, do you". He was never at fault, I was always at fault (according to him), and it is emotional abuse. It took me a while to figure this out as manipulation and immaturity cause I was so in love with him. It's hard to see this behavior or deny it happening because you're so much in love with them.

[rmpavlock]

Just be thankful you are no longer with him. There is no excuse for yelling and cursing at someone like that. He could have said, "don't call" or "i don't want to talk to you"...but he didn't. It says a lot about his character. Also, if he said that your email wasn't even worth responding to, why did he? It really does sound like he just doesn't like not being in control of this situation. All of these are attempts are to get him to "win" back control over you.

[bleeding]

It took me a while to figure this out as manipulation and immaturity cause I was so in love with him. It's hard to see this behavior or deny it happening because you're so much in love with them.

 

Wahh. I relate to this. I hate how my good and kind feelings are manipulated.

[kickedin]

Thanks Rose....yeah...exactly. Rather than own up to anything...he talks down to me like I'm stupid. No empathy whatsoever.....so yes..he's a jerk...

 

sounds like my chick

[dil]

geesh, this is exactly a thread I want to make...

 

very similar to myself.

[Lady Bugg]

Thanks to everyone who replied to and who I helped in any way.

 

I agree that he is a control freak....and simply needs to control the situation.

I feel good that I ended it....and am free from his B.S.

I am sure I'm not the first OR last person he will pull this with. I truly feel sorry for him because I don't think he even KNOWS he does it.....oh well. Not my problem anymore.

[whatchamacallit]

and, he will never recognize his problem cause he thinks he's always right and you're always wrong. In this way, he won't ever acknowledge your feelings. He's someone who you can't change or even attempt to show him his problem. He will always turn it around on you like it's your fault and none of his. Seems alot of us have "hooked up" with this personality type over the course of our lives. Like I said, you don't recognize it at first and you doubt yourself, instead of him.

[bighair]

HI Bugg -

I've been off the boards for a while. HOpe you're well.

 

Well, I read thru most of this thread. I'm not exactly sure what went wrong btw you and this guy. He sounds like someone who doesn't like strong reactions from women. He doesn't like to be criticized or held accountable. Sure, maybe you called too many times, but he has issues as well.

 

I think this is called "gaslighting." You know...he puts the blame on you while avoiding the real issues btw the two of you regarding why you had a falling out in the first place. I don't quite understand your history so I'm sort of speculating here.

 

Whatever it is...you know not to call him anymore. When you find yourself in a situation, wher eyou keep calling a guy, figure out why you're having trouble letting go. I think closure is big for women. You may have to get closure on your own. This dude sounds immature and incapable of having a rational conversatino where you talk about feelings. NO give and take whatsoever.

 

Hope this helps just a little.

[keefy1972]

Lady Bugg you have been very helpful and insightful as a member of this community for quite some time now, and it pains me to read of you telling of this sort of tale. This guy is apparently suffering from a crippling case of LPD (Little Penis Disorder) and needs to use verbal/mental abuse as a vehicle to illustrate his dominance of the world around him.

 

I'm just glad to know that you are a person of strength, and had it in you to refuse to tolerate such behavior, no matter how much you liked the guy. Just be thankful that things didn't go further with him and you find this out about him 10 years down the road. What a waste of time that would've been, right??

[Dilly]

Thanks to everyone who replied to and who I helped in any way.

 

I agree that he is a control freak....and simply needs to control the situation.

I feel good that I ended it....and am free from his B.S.

I am sure I'm not the first OR last person he will pull this with. I truly feel sorry for him because I don't think he even KNOWS he does it.....oh well. Not my problem anymore.

 

These guys never do know, or if they do, they don't care because it gets them where they want to be in a short period of time. My boyfriend actually told me three months into our relationship when I was much, much stronger, and much less committed and feeling the urge to drop his butt off that I was "smarter than the others", "more prepared to get rid of him", and that's the only sign I've ever seen from him that he knows he's a punk and a control freak at times. But that was a long time ago and that moment of humility for him has never repeated itself.

 

My point is, they know, but ... they also know that it gets them the distance. My guy doesn't have LPD by any means, but a huge ego and the knowledge that I can be replaced almost as quickly as I was found/found him. Being a beautiful, intelligent woman is not easy, especially when you mingle with guys like these. I'm not saying I'm beautiful (I think I'm alright, but not breathtakingly so by any means), but my sister is a knockout and she always gets hung up on guys like this!

 

Finally, she told me one day, you know, I don't like being a b----. If I have to act like one around a guy, that's my sign to go. So maybe they cuss you out and act hostile, but when you feel inclined to hit the redial button one too many times, bust a move. I wish only that I could follow my own advice.

[desertnomad]

I just saw this thread today and even though its a few months old I wanted to post a few comments. First I wanted to agree wholeheartedly with ladybugg that this guy was a jerk and certainly wasn’t worth your time or effort. He obviously had/has some issues with how to talk to other human beings.

 

I do want to disagree with some comments that feelings of anger or frustration are somehow wrong or controlling behavior. Both those feelings are very naturally human and there is nothing wrong with them. It is what you do when you are angry that counts. Calling names, insulting others, belittling others or talking over people are not acceptable. In addition, blaming others for all your mistakes I would agree is not acceptable either.

 

I do think that standing your ground and sticking up for oneself when you are angry or upset are acceptable as long as it is done without the above things happening. Certainly everyone feels a degree of frustration and exasperation when communication has broken down and maturity has gone out the window.

 

I got out of a relationship last year where my ex blamed me for everything and never accepted responsibility for her actions even including her cheating and running off with someone else. It was to say in the least a very frustrating time for me to be constantly blamed by an emotionally cold person.