When Is It Abuse...and When To Walk Away?

[Lady Bugg]

I consider myself a pretty reasonable person....pretty stable, smart...etc etc etc...but I realize I have bouts of low self esteem....especially when I REALLY like someone. I probably put up with FAR more than I should...way longer than I should.

 

A recent incident really opened my eyes to how UNaware I was of this "issue" with me.

 

I called someone recently that I like..and who I HAVE liked for about two years..to discuss or try to clear up some things on the phone as opposed to email...because email is far more confusing and just basically annoying. So..I DID end up calling him a LOT more than I should have...aware he would know it was me...and at LEAST have the decency to talk things out. So...once I got him on the phone....it went downhill. Now..I realize I called excessively...and I can understand WHY he would be angry....but the minute he answered the phone...he did nothing but curse at me, talk over me, and insult me. I was SO upset.....I could barely talk coherently and I KNOW it was because I was emotional.While I DIDN'T expect him to be doing cartwheels about me calling I really DID expect him to be more calm and rational. This was a REAL eye opener for me......and I basically told him I never want to talk to him again. I realized after that incident that verbal abuse is simply NOT acceptable for me. REGARDLESS of WHO's fault it was.

 

Anyway........I am not sure why I am posting this...I guess I feel duped by

this person. At first I blamed MYSELF for making him "angry"..but it dawned on me that is EXACTLY what he wanted me to do. So HE wasn;t the bad guy..that thought simply made me angry and more resigned with my decision.

 

Abuse is abuse.....verbal. mental, emotional..whatever. Cursing at someone..even in anger is NOT acceptable. There are FAR better ways to get your point accross.

 

How did this end?

 

I sent him a terse note:

Thank you SO much for making my decision easier.

MY decision to move on. You've made it VERY clear where I stand

and I will no longer discuss this issue.

 

It's over.

 

His reply was of course insulting to me....no apologies, or empathy...

 

I am sad I know this person is capable of doing this, to me or anyone.

I realize he didn;t "become" this way...he was ALWAYS like this...it just

took me a while to see him for what he was.

 

I hope anyone out there dealing with this is wise enough to see it too...and

get out for good.

 

Thanks for reading.

[chai714]

You got angry at him because he was rude to you. In turn, you sent him a nasty letter expressing your anger. The anger you held made you feel like you had control, because this is why humans become angry - because the anger we have makes us feel like we are in control but really, anger means we're out of control.

 

It's good you're learning about your own patterns of behavior and what you will or will not tolerate. Hang in there and don't contact this guy ever again.

[rose2summer]

Hey LB-

 

This guy is not someone you want to deal with, he is clearly abusive.

 

Emotional abuse takes a far larger toll on the body that physical abuse, because the brain is our central processor, so if you are upset over his actions, it wreaks havok on your body physical as well.

 

That is very unfortunate he treated you this way, but hopefully it can serve as the force to drive you away from him once and for all.

 

No one no matter what the situation deserves to be treated that way and your silence and disappearance for him speaks volumes.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Scout]

You got angry at him because he was rude to you. In turn, you sent him a nasty letter expressing your anger. The anger you held made you feel like you had control, because this is why humans become angry - because the anger we have makes us feel like we are in control but really, anger means we're out of control.

 

It's good you're learning about your own patterns of behavior and what you will or will not tolerate. Hang in there and don't contact this guy ever again.

 

Ditto that. I would only add that you also must have been angry when you repeatedly called him, too.

 

It seems both of you contributed to this unpleasant end.

[Lady Bugg]

I agree Scout.....I DID contribute.....and I apologized for it. Which something he is not capable of doing....but rather making it MY fault. A HUGE red flag....

and the hallmark of an abuser.

[rose2summer]

If he wasn't answering his phone, LB had no idea that he had received any calls.

 

I don't see how her excessive calling has excused his behavior by even .0001%.

 

Abuse is not acceptable no matter in what sector of the world, unlimited phone calls or not.

 

I have a habit of not leaving messages and just calling back people, and have never been yelled at for doing that, so I don't understand this guy's behavior.

 

He has a short fuse and doesn't deserve attention from LB.

[itsallgrand]

HUGS!

 

Way to go. You did good. Personally, I'm proud of you and think this is a call for a celebration.

 

You triumphed, and you learned something - made yourself a stronger person in the face of an ugly situation.

 

My hopes are the same as yours, that others can see abuse for what it is before it really destroys their sense of self. It is insidious, isn't it?!

[Scout]

I don't know what your history is with this guy, maybe he is abusive. But defensiveness and anger isn't always a sign of an abuser. It could be the sign of someone emotionally immature or just plain exasperated.

[rose2summer]

LB-

 

I was with a guy for 5yrs, we had planned on marrying, and one day, he yelled at me saying shutup for once.

 

I broke up with him for those 3 words and it was completely over between us.

 

He said he didn't mean to and he never yelled at me before, but I have a 0 tolerance for that type of behavior.

 

You need to stand your ground and I am really proud of you for doing so.

[Scout]

So..I DID end up calling him a LOT more than I should have...aware he would know it was me...

 

Rose, it seems here she is acknowledging he would know it was her calling, so that's one reason I gave the feedback I did.

[Lady Bugg]

Actually he told me he KNEW I was calling ..he has caller ID..as I knew..

the fact is..it didn't HAVE to come to that. One of my calls, being answered rationally would have completely changed the outcome.

[Scout]

Actually he told me he KNEW I was calling ..he has caller ID..as I knew..

the fact is..it didn't HAVE to come to that. One of my calls, being answered rationally would have completely changed the outcome.

 

Agreed. Is there any reason why he wouldn't have wanted to talk to you, though?

[rose2summer]

Rose, it seems here she is acknowledging he would know it was her calling, so that's one reason I gave the feedback I did.

 

You're feedback was great Scout, I just don't want LB to let him excuse his behavior in any way.

 

What he did was wrong in every way, he could have just said, I have no desire to talk to you, bye, but he decided to be cold and abusive, which is highly unfavorable.

[Lady Bugg]

Not to my knowledge...........he had answered an email of mine previously...

and there were no hints of anger. That's the only reason I thought it OK to call.....

[Scout]

And LB, I don't want to give the impression I don't feel sympathy for your hurt that things didn't turn out the way you were hoping. It's awful to get yelled at, and I wish he hadn't yelled at you.

 

It's just...well, you did call him repeatedly, so it's a little different than him deciding to call you up and start screaming at you.

 

Either way, it does suck though, since obviously you wanted to try and make amends about something. Er, next time you have to make amends with someone, one or two calls and a letter if you don't get ahold of them will probably suffice. You say what you need to say, and just realize you can't control if they will respond.

[Scout]

Not to my knowledge...........he had answered an email of mine previously...

and there were no hints of anger. That's the only reason I thought it OK to call.....

 

Ok, so this was very unexpected. I can see how that was jarring for you.

[Lady Bugg]

Oh here's the kicker.............During this whole "argument" I had a call coming in..and he told me to call him BACK!!! Go figure.......BTW....I didn't call him back. I sent him an email the following day expressing my feelings about his

behavior..to which he turned it on me. REAL eye opener...

[Scout]

Oh here's the kicker.............During this whole "argument" I had a call coming in..and he told me to call him BACK!!! Go figure.......BTW....I didn't call him back. I sent him an email the following day expressing my feelings about his

behavior..to which he turned it on me. REAL eye opener...

 

What did his email say, if you don't mind my asking? Even just in general terms...

[Lady Bugg]

He said :

 

I won't even bother to respond....

If you don't see how ridiculous your email is....anything I would say would waste both of our times.

You just don't get it....and apparently....never will

[rose2summer]

That's manipulation on his part, he is belitting you, like you are a child, and not wise enough to understand.

 

So he abuses you and manipulates you, this guy is a real winner.

 

Throw him out like yesterday's newspaper, he is just full of tricks and anger.

[Lady Bugg]

Thanks Rose....yeah...exactly. Rather than own up to anything...he talks down to me like I'm stupid. No empathy whatsoever.....so yes..he's a jerk...

[rose2summer]

You're such a talented woman, why waste your time with someone who is so belittling?

 

He is clearly insecure to try to degrade you, it's his weak measure at trying to up his ego.

 

But you such a wise woman and won't be his ego booster, you will find a man who knows how to cherish you and has stable moods.

[Day_Walker]

I would say that you both acted like children with respect to the situation. Now be mature about the situation, move on and dont talk to him again.

[Lady Bugg]

Thanks everyone.....it helped to write this thread. I ALMOST felt guilty...and like it WAS my fault..but I know better. Maybe a weaker person would have....and I hope I may have helped someone in a similar situation. Don't ever ever settle for less than you deserve..........

[bleeding]

Ladybugg,

This sounds ALOT like something that happened to me too. I had a falling out with a guy about a year ago and I apologized at that time. But instead of calming down, he seemed to get very accusatory, blaming and I felt like he was attacking me. Then he said he had to go. After that, I would call him and he would NEVER pick up. I think he has caller ID because most everyone does so I could never make amends. I sent him e-mails, I called him, I IMED him. Nothing.....

 

But the thing I couldn't figure out was, I didn't do anything that serious....in fact, I didn't even think I did anything wrong but I apologized because I didn't want to hurt HIS feelings. But for some reason I felt he totally turned it upon me and treated me like a criminal. In fact, I thought he had picked up something on purpose just so he could turn it on me.

 

A few months later, I called him again. He was being mean. He said he had to go. But whenever I would call him, he would pick up. I thought....if he didn't really want to talk to me, he just wouldn't pick up because I know he has no problem doing that. He said that I could IM him or e-mail him. And I said..but you never respond and he goes "I don't?". And then, last time, he hung up on me saying "we'll talk later."

 

It felt like he was giving me mixed messages. All in all, I think it was some kind of crappy game.

 

The thing is....he used to be nice before. Act like he liked me, was looking out for me etc. Then in one day, he turned on me. It was scary and sad.

 

I was so sad because I didn't WANT to believe that anyone could be like that. But apparently he is.