canonman Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 We've been going out for about 4 months now. We spent almost every day together, and it made us not appreciate eachother as much. So, we decided to have only a couple date nights a week, but still call/write when we want to. It has helped us both so much, I mean now we get laundry done, see our other friends and family, etc. But here's my concern. She had dinner with her ex-fiance Monday night, and they are still good friends. I try to understand and not say anything. Tonight, she is eating dinner with another guy who used to live in her Apt complex (he's back in town and wants to see her). She says since it's not a night we had anything planned, she accepted. She is telling me everything up front, and not going behind my back or anything. Another guy calls her too, and wants to have dinner with her (she used to date him before me), and he is just a friend too. The problem I have is that all 3 of these guys are interested in her for more than friendship, they have all indicated they want to sleep with her. She is not, and pulls away when they make advances. It just feels weird, and I think she needs to have more respect for our relationship. I wish she had some girlfriends she could hang out with instead. She is from southern Calif, very open-minded, and thinks she can handle all this as friends only. But I told her most guys don't want to just be friends with a woman, especially if they have already indicated they have a romantic interest. Part of me says don't say anything and pressure her, makes me the strong, confident guy. But part wants to address how it makes me feel, which makes me the clingy, controlling boyfriend. She refers to me as her boyfriend, said the other night that she loves me. She says we are dating exclusively. Should I wait to tell her what I think? Or just deal with it, and hopefully this behavior will fade? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 I don't think this is very cool of your girlfriend at all. She seems to really need constant male attention, which doesn't bode well for you, friend. I'd be interested in knowing who sparked the "Let's only spend a couple of nights a week" conversation, too. It sure doesn't sound like she's spending her free time doing laundry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sixpounder Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 do what you feel is right. telling her that it makes you uncomfortable is NOT being controlling. if she loves you, she'll do what she thinks is best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clementine orange Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 She is keeping them as backup for when you eventually screw up. Sucks doesn't it? Get used to it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
treefrogkate Posted November 30, 2006 Share Posted November 30, 2006 As a girl who has a lot of guy friends (and some who are exes), please just talk to her about it. Don't jump to conclusions, don't build this up in your head until you're envisioning her cheating on you every night you're not together. Talk to her. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable that she is going out with her exes, but don't "forbid" her, since this will make her pull away from you. If she loves you, she is not going to cheat on you, and she's not "keeping them as backup". These are probably people she was friends with before dating, and now that they've gotten the dating out of their system, know that they aren't good as a couple but still have their friendship. I can't say it enough. Talk to her about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canonman Posted November 30, 2006 Author Share Posted November 30, 2006 As a girl who has a lot of guy friends (and some who are exes), please just talk to her about it. Don't jump to conclusions, don't build this up in your head until you're envisioning her cheating on you every night you're not together. Talk to her. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable that she is going out with her exes, but don't "forbid" her, since this will make her pull away from you. If she loves you, she is not going to cheat on you, and she's not "keeping them as backup". These are probably people she was friends with before dating, and now that they've gotten the dating out of their system, know that they aren't good as a couple but still have their friendship. I can't say it enough. Talk to her about it. thanks, that's what I plan to do, gonna wait when I feel better, since right now it might come out kinda bad. She is honest, and very true to me, she just doesn't want to lose their friendships. When I have acted insecure, she reassures me that she's with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canonman Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well, just ate my delivered pizza, still no word from her, no txt msg, or anything. Staying home, and thinking about it. It's not that I don't trust her, it's just a weird feeling. Like, it doesn't seem right. I have a female friend who wants to have dinner with me sometimes, as friends, but I have declined any invitations since I thought it wasn't considerate to my girlfriend. I used to date this other girl when we worked together, but we're just friends now. I'm starting to think I should be free to have dinner with her if it's okay for my girlfriend. It's not a "two can play at this" thing, just that I'm sort of cutting out some of my female friends because of this relationship, but I thought that was what was appropriate when in a serious relationship. I think if I tell her I'd like to see my friend, she'll think it's only about getting back at her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finewhine Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Here's what gets me: she has told you these fellas want to sleep with her. How does she know that they want to sleep with her? Have they asked her, or is she just sensing it? If it's the former, she's being disrespectful to your relationship because she's -not- hanging out with these guys as friends, she's LETTING THEM DATE HER (you take someone on a date when you want to sleep with them). If it's the latter, she's weird and insecure. Presumably, many men want to sleep with her if she's in any way desirable. So what? Why would she assume these fellas want to sleep with her unless they're asking unless she's so insecure she needs their attention to be sexual? If it's THAT obvious to her that they want to sleep with her, please refer to the preceding paragraph. Either case is bad news. I think you're right not to trust her. I have no idea if she's actually interested in any of these guys, but she's not being a nice, normal, secure person. Your last post bothered me the most. There's no reason why you should have to cut out any of your female friends when you enter into a serious relationship. Perhaps this girlfriend is making you feel this way because the way she handles her friendships with the opposite sex is so offensive? I am a woman with many guy friends, and chicks like your girlfriend bother me. They're giving male/female friendships a bad rap. Girls and guys can be the best of platonic friends without the weirdness she's introduced! It's not the fact that she has guy friends that's problematic, it's how she handles them. I don't know, she sounds off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turqoise Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I maintain my friends, whether boys or girls, but mypartner meets them too. It shows respect towrds my partner, but doesn`t cut off a longstanding friendship. I had one jealous boyfriend who not only told me to cutoff all male friendships, but not to go out and make guy friends. I am the kind of person that needs to feel supported by a ntework of people, not just a partner, or I feel very insecure. So doing this made me feel closed and reliant on him and very insecure. I would say that it`s possible she might feel like I did. But going from the fact that you`ve felt insecure, you feel like you can`t trust her, and if she continues to see people who have wanted to sleep with her, it`s not panning out to be the have-total-confidence-in-your-partner relstionship that relationships should be about. I agree with treefrog about talking with her but I would note beforehand all the things that you feel are lacking to make this relationship comfortable, secure for you. If you cannot come to an agreement where you can both be yourselves, and have total confidence in the other, then I can only see things getting worse emotionally for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvaGina Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Should I wait to tell her what I think? Or just deal with it, and hopefully this behavior will fade? Ok... dont become whiney pain in the butt and it wont be a problem. I only have 3 girlfriends, the rest of them are all men. It doesnt mean anything. She is an adult, allowed to see whoever she wants to see. If you start getting paranoid, she will still keeping seeing them, but just not tell you. And it will not be her fault, it will be yours for not trusting her. IF she does cheat on you, then its not the fault of the men she is seeing, she is just not fulfilled in your reletionship. People dont cheat just for the hell of it... and stopping seeing men she already knows will not change it if she is going to cheat on you. Its not "wrong" persay, its just how reletionships go. I say back off, cool down, and trust her. Talking from the girl in her shoes, it will just piss her off if you start being all posessive. I don't think this is very cool of your girlfriend at all. She seems to really need constant male attention, which doesn't bode well for you, friend. I'd be interested in knowing who sparked the "Let's only spend a couple of nights a week" conversation, too. It sure doesn't sound like she's spending her free time doing laundry! AND DONT LISTEN TO THIS PERSON... They dont know what they are talking about... they are just bitter and paranoid from past experiences. Some girls just prefer the company of men to women, which makes sense, women tend to be bitter, two faced and judgemental. (Sorry girls, but we are, I am do going to be flamed for that one) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Quite frankly, I'd rather put my head down the loo and pull the chain than have dinner with an ex. I would also feel comfortable spending too much one-on-one time with a girl who had ambitions beyond friendship. I'm also sure my daughter would have a dim view of it, too, and is often suspicious of other girls around me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvaGina Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 What is so bad about being friends with an ex tho? If she/he was a good enough person to date, then why arent they good enough to be mates with? The only ex's of mine that I am not activly friendly with, were abusive. Even then, if I bump into them I can chat quite nicely and things. Its a bad sign when people arent on talking terms with their old partners. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momene Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well neither my wife nor daughter would feel comfortable in the presense of an ex or even knowing that I was with them. Most of my break-ups were not a mutual amicable decision to split but involved with my ex cheating or myself. On that basis, I have never had a split on good terms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvaGina Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Okay. I would be seriously pissed if my bf tried to get me to stop seeing my ex's... They were important people to me, I wouldnt have dated them otherwise. I mean, I suppose he could ask her to only see them in a public setting or somthing? Only go out for coffee as opposed to going to his place and watching dvds or somthing. But when it comes down to it, he just doesnt trust her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 AND DONT LISTEN TO THIS PERSON... They dont know what they are talking about... they are just bitter and paranoid from past experiences. Some girls just prefer the company of men to women, which makes sense, women tend to be bitter, two faced and judgemental. (Sorry girls, but we are, I am do going to be flamed for that one) Eva, you're certainly entitled to your opinion, just like I'm entitled to mine. However, we kind of make a point around here of not insulting each other's opinions. Telling a poster to "not listen" to someone's feedback because it's "bitter and paranoid" makes you sound pretty judgemental yourself. Not to mention your edict that women "tend to be bitter and two faced." I think my advice hit a nerve with you because you choose to have mostly male friends yourself and took my opinion personally. There are a couple of additional reasons why I had a negative take on what's going on with this poster in addition to his girlfriend spending regular time with her exes. One, that they went from spending a lot of time together to just a couple of days a week, and she's choosing to spend those other evenings with other men (including exes). That doesn't seem to be how a promising relationship usually progresses. Two, it's not just exes she wants to hang out with, it seems other men are calling her, one that wants to "take her out to dinner." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canonman Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 I do trust her. She is one of the most genuine, honest people I've ever met. She had lived with her ex-fiance, slept with the cop friend when they were dating last spring, and the 3rd guy she met at the pool this summer and drank beer with, but she would draw the line when he would try to kiss her or make advances. It just feels weird, I'm trying to understand. We made a choice to go slow in our relationship, but we are faithful to eachother and are serious. Here's an example, the other night we were watching a DVD together at her place, when she gets a txt msg from the cop friend, asking "what's up sexy?", and she proceeds to txt him back. "Just watching TV". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finewhine Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Did you read my post? I think you need to read my post. If you insist on not reading my post, let me reiterate: the way she's handling these dudes is disrespectful to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceman26 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Dude you are not insecure or less confident for the fact that you don't like this kind of behavior. These guys are not friends, they are potential suitors. The fact that she sees them indicates to me that she likes this kind of attention. I would agree with Clementine Orange to a certain extent that she probably keeps them as "insurance" in case your relationship doesn't work out. I personally would have a talk with her and tell her this bothers you. It has nothing to do with you being insecure, it has to do with the suspicious situations she is putting herself in. Has she asked you along to meet these "friends" of hers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceman26 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Here's an example, the other night we were watching a DVD together at her place, when she gets a txt msg from the cop friend, asking "what's up sexy?", and she proceeds to txt him back. "Just watching TV". Unacceptable. Can you imagine being married to a person with male friendships like this? Good God man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I second everything Iceman just said, and also agree it's plain disrespectful of your girlfriend to be in regular contact with SUITORS, not platonic friends! Your girlfriend is really enjoying all this attention, and it's not the same kind of attention we get from friends who are only interested in us platonically. And think about it...have her "friendships" with all these guys brought you two closer? No. You're spending less time together now, things are now going "slow" and you're understandably feeling uncertain and doubtful about all this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canonman Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 Did you read my post? I think you need to read my post. If you insist on not reading my post, let me reiterate: the way she's handling these dudes is disrespectful to you. yes, I read your post. But, I do trust her, if I didn't then I'd get out of this right now. I really like her a lot. I just think we need to have some boundaries agreed upon on how we do things. I DONT trust those guys, but then they owe me nothing. I do think they are disrespectful to her knowing she has a boyfriend, and they persist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceman26 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 I do think they are disrespectful to her knowing she has a boyfriend, and they persist. My friend, they couldn't be disrespectful unless she was letting them be disrespectful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canonman Posted December 1, 2006 Author Share Posted December 1, 2006 My friend, they couldn't be disrespectful unless she was letting them be disrespectful. good point Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iceman26 Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Well, I have been there before, and I understand where you are right now. You want to trust her, yet all these things are happening that leaves you in a position of not knowing what to do and what to think. I know that if you don't nip this in the bud, you are going to continue to feel weird. I favor straight forwardness. Calmly tell her what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. How she reacts will give you an indication of her true feelings and commitment towards you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scout Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Yes, it helps when you phrase your concerns in "I feel" ways. It's not blaming your partner, just letting them know where you're coming from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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