Validation

[LeftBehind]

I think I'm beginning to understand why I get so clingy and needy with women. And why I'm unable to trust them at all.

 

I was never validated as a child. Ever. Never from peers, but more importantly never from my mom.

 

My parents split when I was 10. And I lived a week with my dad, then a week with my mom. And I remember DREADING going to my mom's. I hated living with her, I hated her to be honest.

 

She's crazy, and I'm starting to see alot of similar traits in myself. She was VERY possessive and controlling. I remember after every shower she would go in there and inspect EVERYTHING. My soap to see if I washed myself, my shampoo level, my toothbrush..the toilet seat to make sure I didn't pee on it....She would smell all my clothes....she would yell at me and scream if she thought I hadn't done one of those things....even when I really had done it...

 

She would snoop through my school bags, through my notes...things I wrote....journals...everything.

 

She also always criticized me. She put me down for being overweight, she put me down for not having friends...she put me down for not believing in her religion....

 

She criticized me when I chose to live with my dad full time. He married someone else, and we moved into a pretty upscale neigborhood. And I remember her telling me my acne was so bad that I would never fit in where I was choosing to go to high school and that I needed to fix my face.

 

And, until I told her to stop contacting me in June, she still did this to this day. She put me down for choosing to be a guitarist/musician instead of going through 4 year college and taking the route everyone else takes. She put me down for where I chose to live...my roommates....

 

Everytime I saw her she would scan me over with her eyes and give this look of disgust at how I looked......because I like to wear metal t-shirts and have long hair....

 

I don't remember my mom ever once encouraging me. I remember she put me down for choosing not to go to college (Which isn't a permanent decision either) right out of high school. She told me she was embarrassed and that she couldn't hold her head among her friends who's kids went to college and became really successful.

 

That was probably one of the more selfish things I've ever heard in my life.

 

When I talked to her about my band and my musical ambitions she always just kinda brushed it off as a phase, and when I was through talking...she would go right back to how SHE wanted me to live my life.

 

It's like she vicariously lived through me. And everything I do or don't do is all about HER....

 

And now this is exploding ALL OVER THE PLACE with my relationships with women in general.

 

My latest love interest abandoned me, and alot of it had to do with the fact that I was looking for validation 24/7 from her. If females don't constantly validate me I automatically assume they don't like me, or they're going to abandon me...the same way my mom emotionally abandoned me as a child.

 

It's only getting worse with time, because I seem to get myself involved with women who are going to do the same thing to me that my mom did. And I prove myself right, that they will abandon me, every single time. So now I'm to the point where I haven't had a girlfriend in 5 years because I can never get to the actual relationship point because of these problems...and it's just snowballing.

 

I don't know how to fix this. I can't go through life needing constant validation from a female...and yet it seems the only times in my life I feel happy are when a female is validating me 24/7. It seems this is something cemented into my subconscious from childhood, and my mom did this to me for 22 years.

 

How do I fix this?

[bleeding]

My mom was never validating to me either. It was/is very harmful for me to be around her because she can be so negative.

 

My mom is an important part of my life, so all the negative messages she's told me about myself, I have ingrained and carry around with me. I start becoming self-abusive to myself and I look to men for validation. A prince charming to make me feel better and my problems to go away. Unfortunately, I have been abused by men as well.

 

It seems I have always longed to have a mother I could be very close to. A mom who is warm, fuzzy, soft, caring, nurturing, positive, strengthening. Just as you say - validating.

 

But my mom will never be that type of mother. We have a bond but it's not the kind of bond I am always seeking from others.

 

How do you fix this?.....Talking about it, Opening up. I think it helps because I have not really been able to talk about this issue and I go through it too. My mom is normal, not crazy. But she is kind of cold and denies feelings and emotions. She doesn't mean to be this way. I think that is just how it is. But it still hurts for me as her child and I have suffered a lot not having parents to believe in me.

 

I feel disloyal and ashamed to talk about her like this. But it is my truth. It is hard for me to talk about this.

 

I hate going to her for a hug and getting pushed away. I don't like being told I am clingy when all I want is a little more love and comfort. I wish I had someone great to hug.

[insecure246]

Hmmm. I get really clingy in relationships as well. My wife complains about it all the time, which is a big problem for us right now. I always knew my mom loved me, but she always put her boyfriend and his kids ahead of me and my brother. What you're talking about happened with your mom is what I got from my dad. Constant ridicule. I have no self-esteem or confidence and I think it has alot to do with him always criticising me and never supporting me and never feeling like he loved me.

[Baby Carrot]

Hey LB, I hear you.

 

My mother is a woman that shouldn't have considered the posibility of having kids, like EVER.

 

Some people are just not parents material, and still, they have kids. And screw them up big time.

 

You probably feel that is all her fault, cuz she poisoned you since you were a little kid. And I understand how angry and frustrated you must be.

 

But I'll tell you what, you have YOURSELF. You have your own inner resources to get thru it, to get over it, to stop it from affecting you and snowballing. Try therapy, try coaching books, self help texts. Do something for yourself, for your own life instead of just expecting a girlfriend to do it for you. Validate yourself by your own.

 

Learn whatever you can from all the pain and hatred in your past, but without seeking for revenge and poisoning your present with grudge.

 

You are in a complete different stage right now, you're not the little kid under the command of Ms. Psycho Mom. So let go all the memories of what she made you go thru, they're not helpful at all.

 

About the validation from females, I doubt you're really "happy" when you get that from them. You must experiment some kind of relief, but that's not true happiness.

 

There are no instant solution to this kind of things, and it'll take much more than online forums to fix it, but it seems you already begun to realize, to be aware and to recognize something is not OK. That's huge.

 

Is a long hard road out of hell, but you're already in your way, we're all much more stronger than we think we are.

 

Best of luck.

[Beec]

I will not try and defend your mother or any of the mothers mentioned. However, all of us, them, you and me, are flawed creatures with our own issues and problems. Your mothers acted as they did because something probably screwed up them up. You are all adults now, so now, the task is up to you. Your mothers cannot go back and undo the damage they did, it's done. They did not do it because they hated you. Indeed, I see otherwise. Your mother wanting you, or anyone, to go to college is in large part her wanting you to succeed. Part of her reasonf or wnating this has to be wanting what is good for you. Her wanting you to be hygenic and clean is much the same, looking out for what she thinks is good for you.

 

So, she was flawed. Forgive her. Seriously, understand, she did what she could, and forgive her. The more you can forgive her, the better off you will be.

[bleeding]

My mom isn't capable of being anyone other than who she is. And that is really how she is...rather negative, pessimistic and invalidating. It drives me crazy sometimes. If I say "The weather is cold", she will tell me "No, it's not, it's hot." If I say "This tastes good", she will tell me "It doesn't taste good."

 

Literally. It's so invalidating. But I don't think she means to. I don't even think she is very aware of it. But that is how she is. And it sure does a lot of damage. I carry a lot of self-doubt in my head even about the most basic things because I've grown up with these messages all my life.

 

But the only way is to work through it. That is my only way.

[Momene]

I'm still close to my mum but can't discuss problems with her. She always makes me take the blame for anything that's gone wrong in my life.

[EvaGina]

LeftBehind, I think your halfway there already. You know what you do, you know why... now you just have to fight your deamons.

 

Granted, you will probably be fighting them all your life.. its not easy to control learnt behaviours. But it is worth it.

 

Perhaps get out a few books or go talk to someone? Just to get a few ideas on how to cope with certain situations?

[Beec]

I'm still close to my mum but can't discuss problems with her. She always makes me take the blame for anything that's gone wrong in my life.

 

Momene, you're an adult and have been one for many years. So with each problem, either she's right or life just dealt you a tough one, and life is tough that way. Accept it.

[Juliana]

LeftBehind, I think something that helped me a great deal was to actually confront my adoptive mother about the worst things she'd done. It wasn't a huge argument at all. I never raised my voice. But I just took every single piece of bs that she had shoved at me for my entire life, summed it up in a couple of lines, and then said to her, "What good did you think would come of it?" And for once, she didn't try to throw it on me, didn't try to justify what she'd done. She admitted she'd done it because she was who she was. In her own way, she admitted it, and took responsibility for the things she'd said and done as her problem, not mine.

 

It helped. It didn't heal me, but it helped.

 

Other people's issues are their own problems. You are who you are. Get to know yourself; start with that. Start where you are.

[Momene]

Momene, you're an adult and have been one for many years. So with each problem, either she's right or life just dealt you a tough one, and life is tough that way. Accept it.

 

What I've learned is only to discuss problems with people who can give me constructive advice. Being told something is my fault may or may not be wrong but that alone does nothing to solve a problem and nothing to help a person's self esteem.

[Juliana]

I agree. Anger is a place we have to be before we can move onto something better. Denying it, swallowing it, or taking the blame for other people's actions doesn't improve our relationship with those people, it kills it. I know perfectly well that I am responsible for my life as it is -- but I am d*mn well not going to imagine I created all the problems that got me here.

[Beec]

What I've learned is only to discuss problems with people who can give me constructive advice. Being told something is my fault may or may not be wrong but that alone does nothing to solve a problem and nothing to help a person's self esteem.

 

OK. Good luck.