anonymous coward Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 I guess I do feel like she's putting me through this stuff, and that it isn't fair. The way she speaks about who I am to her, and how in love she is with me is *so* sincere. But what does it mean that this stuff keeps happening? I know it sounds juvenile to compare myself to her, but it's just that I try to be so considerate about these things from my end, and doubly so since we're trying to make a long distance relationship work. A female co-worker of mine started asking me out to shows (I'm a music freak) and then started making me mixed cd's and then brought me back a t-shirt from the last concert... and in a very friendly, easygoing way I let her know that I appreciated her attention and stuff, but that it felt weird accepting these things or going to shows without my girlfriend around. She totally understood and now we're just pals. No weirdness at all. I do stuff like that out of respect for my girl. Even though I know in my mind that there's no chance of anything happening between me and any other girl, I feel like it's disrespectful to my girl and our relationship if there are other girls who think there may be a chance, or who do things for me that I only expect from my girlfriend. You know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 she is probably sending out signals that say, "Even though I have a boyfriend, I am not married and off the market either." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous coward Posted November 24, 2006 Author Share Posted November 24, 2006 And, Annie24, here is where my caveman side comes out. If she does just like the attention from males, if it is an esteem thing (which doesn't make sense to me-- she's beautiful and has a great personality) then I don't even want to participate. If all these others guys are doing things like buying her little gifts, then I don't reall even want to. I feel like I'd just be "joining in", one of the pack. And if I do buy her some chocolates, it bothers me to know that she just got some the other week, probably even more fancy than what I bought. Am I supposed to start competing with them for her thankfullness? That's sort of the position she's forcing me to be in, and it sure isn't too comfortable, especially in long distance. tough tough tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 Oh, I have seen plenty of beautiful and smart women act this way. I was friends with one for a while. She had a boyfriend. But then her ex-boyfriend (who she dumped) started showing me a bit of attention, and she flipped out. Some women just like having a ton of men vying for them. blah. I know how you feel. Sometimes, a guy I am dating will brag to me about all the women that are calling him, etc.... and maybe he is just saying that to make me jealous or more interested, but that doesn't work on me at all. I just think, "no, I don't want to be part of his harem!" And I forget him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted November 24, 2006 Share Posted November 24, 2006 .... im to weak to not take Chocks and Wine, Which by the way are the clasic, get drunk for a shag drugs. Haha! Sorry that line cracked me up a bit....Ladies! Take note.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 I think I would just ask my girl to call the guy up and say, you do realize that I have a boyfriend right? And I appreciate the gifts, but I dont want you to get the wrong idea... were just friends, and thats how its gonna be. I think she should be able/ willing to do this. The situation is a little smelly after all, I would question the guys motives (he is a guy after all). See how she handles it. Now if she wants to go visit the guy... then Id be really worried, but for now, just a few gifts, different cities... eh could be harmless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 I think the best thing you can do, is email this paragraph to your girlfriend. Just tell her how you feel bro, and see where that goes. If she cant figure it out, or if you cant see eye to eye then you have two choices. Agree to disagree, or agree to come to some sort of fix (compromise)... what that is... I dunno. Also, after my last reply, I read the rest of the thread and I think you should be a little more than a little concerned. She really should be doing more to stop this guys advances, or let him know that his intentions are not well founded, nor appreciated. After all... she has a boyfriend. You seem to be handling this well, and doing your part on your end she should do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimmerJammer Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 I'd ask her if he can send you some stuff for your car if you have one. Why not milk the guy a little more? afterall it sounds like this guys just doing it because he chooses to and not because she forces him. get what i'm saying? my gf is the same way, but i don't think anything of it because i know that she's not dumb and that this guy is trying to buy her over. how insulting if you ask me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malaika1 Posted November 25, 2006 Share Posted November 25, 2006 she's too weak to say no to obvious advances from other men? what else is she too weak to do? too weak to fight for your r/ship? of course sending/accepting gifts when in a r/ship is not a big deal, until that is, it becomes regular and obviously a way to stay in touch....it is disrespectful as well for the other guy if he knows of your existence to carry on doing this.....i don't think you can control other people's actions - or even attempt to, but make it clear that you consider this inappropriate behaviour for YOUR woman and if she values you/the r/ship enough, this will soon stop. she in turn cannot control what he buys for her, but she sure as heck can control what she accepts from other men.......in gift......or in kind! I for one would not behave like that whilst in a r/ship. it is unfair for all concerned except her, the recepient........a thought just crossed my mind, do you think she is doing this to try and see if she will get a reaction from you? i.e some girls think that a man doesn't love them if he doesn't react with jealousy and your calm approach to the matter maybe what is making her behave like this.....bizarre i know but something worth considering! But as you rightly say, do you really want to end up with a woman who has such low self-esteem that it need re-enforcing with attention from other men-folk? Food for thought i would say........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous coward Posted November 26, 2006 Author Share Posted November 26, 2006 Thanks to everyone here on page 4 (and all the other pages)-- definitely helping me gain/re-gain perspective. The reason I seem calm about it is because I'm forcing myself to be. I think if I got really upset and made a big problem out of it, we'd probably end up breaking up. If you look back to about 3-4 weeks ago, I posted on the forum, topic: "about appropriate office relations"-- and I definitely wasn't calm or cool-headed then. I made a fool of myself by calling my girl at work and getting all upset about everything that was happening there btwn she and her male co-workers. I flew up to see her and we worked everything out over a weekend. We've been totally fine since then-- a really great, perfect couple of weeks. I'm trying really hard to keep everything this way. Obviously there's an issue here with the present-giving guy, but I'm trying not to let it lead to psychological torture like last time. The suggestion to send her a paragraph I wrote was great. I wonder what you guys think about something a little more drastic: what if I actually steered her to this forum, to read my entry, and to see how the majority of you have read the situation-- Do you think that would be good for her and my relationship? Or would it be way dangerous? I never talk to my guy friends about this stuff-- we just don't really do that. This forum has been so helpful for me, and I can't help but think it would be helpful for her too. The risk, I guess, is that she'd feel hurt that I posted about our relationship to a bunch of strangers. What do you think? Have any of you ever showed your girls/guys your forum posts about them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 No I don't think you should steer her to this thread at all! That will probably piss her off!! If you read back some folks have called her character in question! Do you really think she will be happy or understanding! NO! She will feel like you've been soliciting gossip about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 To be honest with you, no. I don't think that's a great idea. I mean, what if a your gf said to you, "So, I've discussed our problem with my therapist, my mother, my therapist's mother, my sister, 2 cousins, and the electrician. They all think you should....." Are you going to be ticked that she talked to EVERYONE about the problem, had them come to a consensus, and then called you? I don't think it would go over well, but I think you should maybe talk to her about YOUR perspective, given our advice, and your real life knowledge of the situation. ultimately, we are all just strangers on the internet and we don't know the situation as well as you do. but you know the situation better and now have a few viewpoints that are different than your own originally and you have done some thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous coward Posted November 26, 2006 Author Share Posted November 26, 2006 Cool. Yeah, what the heck was I thinking! (Obviously I am somewhat retarded when it comes to things like this I just want her to see and know that my concerns are not arising from some sort of personal insecurity or jealousy, but that they're justified. Not that anonymous internet posters are a good source of verification, but, well, not too sound cheesy, clearly i am *not* alone in feeling like the situation should be called into question, and I'd love for her to know it. But I can see that's a bad idea. Hopefully when she talks to her own girl friends they'll help her see how I may be feeling, and why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 Well I think you should be letting her know that you are uncomfortable with the volume and nature of gifts that this other guy is giving her. Really IMO thats all you should have to to. If she's a decent GF, she'll tell him to cut it out. If she's not, then she won't. Then it's you're call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
langford Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 your gf sounds horribly insecure if she needs to relate to you stories about how all the men are flocking to her,and buying her gifts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Survictor Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I would not like it at all! And if some guy at work began to send me gifts of chocolate and candies etc and went all out for me, then I would say it was inappropriate unless we were together romantically. Or if he was my gay best friend. Is she trying to make you jealous, I wonder? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted November 26, 2006 Share Posted November 26, 2006 I know for myself, that being happy and secure with my bf and with myself and our relationship, I would feel very uncomfortable accepting gifts like this from another man- uncomfortable enough to tell him "thanks, but no thanks, I have a bf". And if he persisted, I'd tell him he wasn't respecting my wishes and terminate the friendship. The fact that she's accepting the gifts, dismissing it as "Oh, that's just him" and not uncomfortable with it, tells me she enjoys it, and the attention, and maybe even enjoys getting you a little jealous over it. I don't think that is considerate, respectful, or healthy. I think she is wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous coward Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 Hey page 5'ers. Thanks for your thoughts-- it is still bothering me, though she did try to console me about it. The thing is-- man. I'm really bothered still. How serious do you think it is if she really likes the attention? Is that something that will ever change, or is this just something about her that will never change? It would break my heart if this characteristic of hers caused our end, but, in total honesty, I'm just not happy knowing that she has this need for attention from other guys, if that is what it is. All things point to it, though-- I think you guys are probably right. The other stuff that has happened, things I haven't even menitoned to this forum, and now the presents... it weighs on me. And little things become bigger things. For example, I write her a quick good morning email every day and usually she does the same. But for the past few weeks I haven't been getting them back-- and it wrecks my whole morning. She usually calls around lunch hour still, and talks all sweet, and then I feel ridiculous for feeling bothered at all. But then something else happens, and I end up feeling bothered-- darn it, not bothered... I feel HURT, again, and again, and again. For those who are following from my other post (am I annoying people with this??) tonight she is going to a big fancy wine-tasting Galla-- with her smooth, fast-track manager, the other manager who hit on her, and (thank god) a female coworker. It is sort of for work, apparently, though I don't quite get the connection. Anyway, because of the other stuff going on, I'm really uneasy about EVERYTHING now. I'm supposed to go see her this weekend too... Is there hope? Or am I torturing myself by trying so hard to make this relationship work? It's long distance, which is hard enough, but all this stuff... Once again, I think you all for being there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope75 Posted November 27, 2006 Share Posted November 27, 2006 I think the bottom line is that she knows that it bothers you, it is not unreasonable that it bothers you, (I think most would be upset by it), and yet she still does it (accepts the gifts), which shows a complete lack of respect for you and blatant disregard for your feelings. How important does that make you feel? I think if it were me, I'd have to tell her that if it continued I would have to leave. The point is you shouldn't even have to tell her that. It's common courtesy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous coward Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 Ellie-- yes. Hold on sec. Hope75-- the thing is, *does* she think it's reasonable for me to be upset about it? It doesn't really seem that way. When I have brought it up, she always ends up making me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. She's never said, for example, "If I was you, I'd feel upset too." This was where my crazy impulse to send her to this thread came from. OK, Ellie06, well said. You've really helped me see this in a different way. What do YOU want her to do, how do YOU want her to conduct herself in these type of situations (bc long after this overly affectionate boss and chocolate-giving co-worker are gone, I feel as though others will follow suit ... sorry if this seems harsh ...) ? I want her to act respectful of me and our relationship whether I'm there or not, and to me this means keeping all other guys extremely aware that: a) flirting is not OK; b) attempts to get "closer" or "move in" are definitely not OK; and, c) I have a guy, who I love, and who loves me, and nothing could ever come between us, so stop trying. Can she do what YOU want her to do; can she act in the way YOU want her to? It's such a good point. Can she, and also *should* she? Finally, will this mean that she will have to change who she is for YOU? If this is really who she is (and all evidence points this way), then, yes, she would have to change herself... man. If YOU weren't so affected by her flirtatious nature, her insecurities, her attention seeking ways, her jealousy issue, or whatever this wouldn't even be an issue. You mean, if I was detached. Maybe that's all I need to do is detach and all this will go away. But when a girl is with a guy who stays detached, what happens when she meets a guy who *is* attached to her... won't she think he loves her more than I do? So what would make this *problem* go away for you? In a sense, it would go away if I just backed off and let her do whatever she wanted and not take it personally. I can see how that would probably kill our long distance relationship though because it would be just too easy for another guy to move in if I did back off. Another night of thought. I wonder if she's having any fun at the wine-tasting gala. She said she had to get all dressed up (it's a 5-star event)-- it's funny but I've never even seen her dressed-up before. Long distance relationships are probably the most grueling experience human beings can have. And I say that as a prior officer in the Marine Corps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anonymous coward Posted November 28, 2006 Author Share Posted November 28, 2006 Yeah, I won't bring it up. I'll be cool about it when I see her. Also, it's our 100 day anniversary on Saturday (of our actual relationship... I've known her for 5 years), which I remember is special in Korea, so, I'm trying to plan something really nice. The last thing I want is to be talking/dwelling on all this stuff when I'm with her. We'll see what happens, as usual-- going to get myself psyched to have a great time despite all this stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belle Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 anon, I was in the same boat as your girlfriend not too long ago. A guy that won't leave me alone sent me gifts at work. If it was edible, I gave it to my bf at the time. If it was flowers I waited til they died and threw them away. I had stopped all contact with this guy and made a point of explaining that to my ex. He tried to act cool but I know on some level it bothered him. But at the same time, I had cut all ties with teh guy so there wasn't an issue. My point is, if she cares about you and really respects you, she'll figure out the right way to deal with this. Unless she has no empathy. I wouldn't want my bf receiving gifts from a girl. I would be slightly insecure and/or jealous. So I try to be considerate of my significant other's feelings if I get attention from other guys. See how it goes. See if she gets it. You've already told her how you feel and if she keeps doing it, then you'll have your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Survictor Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Actually, you could ask her if it would bother her that you received gifts from a female coworker or friend so that she is able to see it how you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luck of the Irish Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 Car full of wine and chocolates? Valentines day? Still in touch? This is borderline cheating in my eyes. Either she's really dense and can't see that this guy isn't buying her chocolates to make her smile, or she knows his hidden agenda and likes the attention. And trust me, he isn't trying to be her friend. He wants the goodies, and that's all he wants. Anyway, either way, you are on the business end of getting screwed. Here's what I would do. Tell her the following: "Baby, I love you, but a blind man can see that this guy is attracted to you and it makes me uncomfortable that you accept his advances. I hate to say this, but you have to tell him this is inappropriate and cut all your contact with him." If she doesn't do it, or says she will and doesn't do it... Leave her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterina Posted November 29, 2006 Share Posted November 29, 2006 I think she was trying to make you jealous. It makes her wrong, not evil. And she said she was going to stop. Like earlier posters said, she likes male attention...doesn't mean she is going to cheat or anything close...but you might want to ask her if she will continue this type of behaviour. What I mean is that you should ask her if she will do this if you get into a deeper relationship. In the early stages, she might just do this for fun and then later stop when you two get serious. Be specific. Tell her you don't like being jealous. You might want to consider breaking it off if she continues to be this way because it makes you uncomfortable. But don't be too hasty...she did say she was going to tell him to stop sending gifts...mostly, I think she tells you these things because I think she enjoys seeing you jealous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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